The regular edition, with bells and whistles, will be back next week. Photo of our home, from our 20th wedding anniversary, in 2014. Truly A Good Year for Jean-Marc.
Dear Readers,
If I ever wrote a cookbook or a memoir I would call it Accidental Cassoulet. And if I have one regret in my life it is this: not to have cooked from scratch from the age of 12 (when I was a wiz at grating cheddar cheese on a flour tortilla and grilling it in the oven. But one day I started a kitchen fire in our trailer, putting an end to any culinary prowess.)
When I was 14 years old and living in a condo in Carefree, Arizona my mom took me to a naturopathic doctor after I passed out in World Geography class (while giving a speech. I would pass out at one more speech, in college, and again at an airport checkpoint, which makes me realize today that blood sugar wasn't the only culprit. Anxiety has been there all along).
Nowadays, I realize that if I had followed that naturopath's advice to the T, 34 years ago (eat frequently, eat nutrient-dense foods) I might have avoided a lot of soucis, including self-medicating with alcohol. And I might have avoided skin cancer, because when you care about what you put into your body you care about your body). But these difficult experiences have led to a greater understanding and compassion for others.
I do believe, as Hippocrates said, that food is medicine. But if I break my arm, I will go to the hospital. (And I believe that some forms of depression are akin to breaking every bone in your body. And yet, my husband went to work today.)
I'm not sure where I am going with all of this information, except to bring you some sort of update. No, things are not much better. But some things are stronger. Things like faith, hope and marriage. Jean-Marc will get through this. He continues to ask for your prayers.
Meantime, Hippocrates, I'm making accidental cassoulet again today. (Is it an accident the second time around?). I've gotten into the habit of making a roast chicken (setting the chicken on a bed of potatoes and carrots and onions in their jackets). We eat this for dinner. Then, on day two, I put the leftover potatoes into a glass Tupperware for salads, later–some of the chicken, too, depending… Then I add white beans (soaked overnight, then boiled in water, strained) to all the roasting pan juices from the chicken. There are usually bits and pieces of garden rosemary, from the stuffing. I swirl all this together (having left the carrots, which are by now carmelized).
Food is the way to a man's heart, they say (and to his health…). But they don't talk enough about a man's mind. Thank you, Jean-Marc, for being so open about your struggle. So many pieces of the puzzle of our 22-year marriage have come together in the past two weeks. The roller-coaster ups and downs. At times I have felt my stomach tighten when the train we are on creeks to the top of another mountain, only for my insides to (feel like they'll) drop out when we are hurled over–and now speeding down the opposite slope!
Jean-Marc, the day that I realized that it wasn't you steering (overconfidently to the summit or fearfully to the bottom of the sea), I found perspective and empathy. And the day that you realized it wasn't you steering–but a mood steering–you found the courage and the determination to fight for the wheel.
I have always hated roller-coasters. They make my teeth chatter. They hurt my head. They have been known to come apart in mid-air! They test all of my preconceived notions about preconceived notions. But I will stay on this ride and share seats with you until we reach level ground–and beyond! This isn't a decision. And it is more than a promise "for better or for worse". And because I've lost the direction of this letter, I'd better add, This is much more than Accidental Cassoulet!
Is this, finally, the mystery of love?
* * *
Who looks like they are petrified? And who looks like they have won the French lottery? Jean-Marc and I taking our vows, in 1994.
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What a beautiful wedding photo and beautiful couple. You are both so brave. Anxiety sucks and so does depression. My step son has bi-polar disorder and is now one and a half years without a hospitalization! Continue to love each other and take care of each other. Best to both of you.x
Dear Kristi and Jean-Marc, my heart goes out to you both and rest assured my prayers go where my heart goes. I wish for y’all courage, patience and the stubbornness to deal effectively with such troubling issues. I wrote you a week or so ago. Perhaps you will someday read what I shared. I know what it is to be besieged by (in my case) anxiety. It can be a lonely battle. I have struggled with the “beast” mostly on my on in a private little war that has consumed so much of my energy that I have not arrived at a point in life that I had hoped. I am tired. I am not even sure I can muster the energy to dream again. C’est la vie. I am confident the path you two walk together has not been all sunshine and roses, and yet I envy y’all for having each other to lean upon. I pray that you and Jean-Marc find joy in triumphs large and small, and courage and determination in moments of defeat and feelings of doubt. And most of all I pray that you two will only grow closer as each day passes and you may achieve many victories … together.
You are fortunate to have each other. This is what true love is all about. Now go share that hammock with her for even 15 minutes.
All the best to you, Jean-Marc & your children.
Thank you for sharing so honestly. Helps so many dealing with the darkness & unpredictability of depression.
Try to go to New York to a specialist in bio-chemical therapy for depression.. Yes, drugs! It may take a while to find the right combo, but once it works, it is miraculous. I have even seen amazing results with… Electro shock therapy. Sounds terrible, but is now very advanced and refined and not at all like it once was.
A good dose of success would help too, so keep buying those lottery tickets!
Both of you have chosen one of the hardest, most challenging paths in life to take. It is no surprise depression lurks around the corner, but all the more reason to get proper help.
soucis = worries I learned that one today 🙂
To open up like this to your readers takes a lot of courage and strength that I know you both have. The love for each other and being there for each other is a big part of the process.
Sending love and hugs your way.
Is this you in the last picture?. Beautiful smile and style.
Kristin, you and Jean-Marc are giving voice to the voiceless. I think one of the hardest parts about depression is that it feels impossible to articulate and describe the profound pain and despair. It is so debilitating — like the wheel goes square and there’s no way to move forward. But i think there is relief and a breath of hope when one realizes there is someone who can give words to that full stop. That makes a difference to many. And you are showing people how to keep working and get the wagon moving again. And it will. It will. Peace to both of you. xo
Kristi, you two are precious – to yourselves, to each other, and to all of us (the world and your followers at large) with whom you generously and bravely share your lives and your journey. Life IS a journey, with all the bumps that go with it. Kudos to you both for your strength to face each bump with open hearts and determination.
Your wedding picture is beautiful, you are a gorgeous couple! Whenever Jean-Marc feels low show him this picture, it was the smartest thing he’s ever done.
I went into a deep depression once and having studied psychology my entire life I knew there had to be a way to get out of it. Since love sent me into depression, I needed to hate the object of that love to reverse it. It took time, but it worked! Where there is an action there is always a reaction. Need to know the source, then do the opposite.
Dear Kristi,
As a writer myself, I (humbly) opine that this is one of the best essays you’ve ever written. It is literal and metaphorical at the same time, and aptly likens the illness of depression to the vagaries of a rollercoaster ride.
In fact, it mimics the art of making your “accidental cassoulet”: combining seemingly disparate, random elements to create a dramatic, impressive new whole.
JeanClaude and I were struck by the intelligent suggestions from our fellow readers, as well as by the photos of your gorgeous garden party and ethereal wedding ceremony.
Together, we think that both you and Jean-Marc hit the French Lottery; and together, we wish you not only a “Happy Anniversary”, but also courage, clarity and inspiration during cette épreuve.
Kristi:
Thinking of you and Jean-Marc. You have weathered a lot in your marriage and you’ll weather
this too.
Courage,
Edie from Savannah
p.s. I also hate roller coasters, but like your simile.
Maybe try the following:
1. Exercise, lots of exercise.
2. Travel to Montmartre
3. Attend an evening Mass at Sacre Coeur
4. Watch sunset from Montmartre
5. Dinner, aka a moveable feast
6. Gratitude for the grandeur of it all
7. Exercise, lots of exercise
Someone mentioned taking a vacation. I love vacation, but the word conjures up all kinds of expectations. So how about planning/taking mini “distractions”. A few hours, a few days, whatever you and Jean-Marc could handle. I send positive thoughts for you both and wish you moments of peace. Happy Anniversary.
Hi Kristi,
Thinking about you and Jean Marc and praying for you all. Your love and your family will help you get through this. You all are very brave to share your struggle and just keep loving each other and you will get through this and be stronger for it.
Bonjour Kristi: I have been enjoying your writings for many years. I am so sorry to hear that you & Jean-Marc are going through troubled times. I have experienced depression with my family & friends for many years & it is not easy for anyone. Jean-Marc is so very fortunate to have you to love & support him now & in the future. I am sending you my favorite Apache Blessing to comfort you: “May the sun bring you energy by day, May the moon softly restore you by night, May the rain wash away your worries, May the breeze blow new strength into your being, and May you walk through the world & know its beauty all the days of your life.” I will keep you & your family in my thoughts & prayers. Bless you. Donna {Was, DC}
Mon petit…
Life is so hard. It really is. At times more so than others. All the best wishes won’t make you or
Jean-Marc whole. They will help, no doubt, but your lovely words have a troubling tinge to them
that personally worries me. Heck, I’m still concerned about the trip you took to Paris with your
daughter last year!
Don’t try to go this alone….
Ron
Kristi, you continue to amaze and inspire me with your openness and your fighting for love — of your husband and your God. My prayers — and I’m sure those of people all around the world who have grown to love your family through your blog — my prayers for you and Jean-Marc continue. I know what it is to struggle. While I know the specific nature of our struggles are materially different, always hold fast to the love your Lord has for you. And feel the power of all the prayers ascending on your behalf.
Several years ago you wrote about arranging little sticks around your garden. In spite of having mounds of perfectly good Georgia pine straw, I decided to try your mulch to keep weeds away. I carefully arranged them under the shrubbery and in some window boxes (to discourage cap napping!) This year I was surprised to see green leaves peeking out. Weeds?! No! One of the little dry gray sticks had settled into the soil and very carefully sent down a root or two. I put it in its own pot this week and will watch for it to grow and flower again. I named it JM.
Our Dearest Kristi,
You said it so eloquently:faith,hope and love.
You and Jean Marc WILL get through this.
May I just mention what Jesus said and it is true….
ALL IS WELL.DO NOT FEAR.
Love
Natalia. xo
Wow Kristi! I love this so much..it resonates with me! Nobody can ever predict how hard marriage is, but it is really the thing for many causes us to become really human! All your struggles have made you become that much better each day…only with age can we truly appreciate all of this, and the beauty of it! Your honesty is healing to all who read it! Thank you! God bless you and your family in this healing journey of life, where every experience is an opportunity to release negative patterns of thought and action and embrace the opportunity of living life with love, even if it means occasionally living on the edge of our seats! Fall into the journey, forget about the destination (because the journey was actually the destination!)
Is that Father Matt Menger of the order of Oblates of Mary Immaculate who married you?
Hello, Kristi and Jean-Marc,
I am praying for you every day and will continue.
The Word says “Pray without ceasing.”
Love,
Lindy
Dear Kristi and Jean-Marc,
Your roller coaster analogy touches so deeply at the heart of depression. The out of control downswing of life’s continual ride. The dark side of light; the down side of up. One cannot be without the other. Not everyone has the same experience with depression, and I think there are many causes, so my words may not be right for you Jean-Marc, and I hesitate to write them because words can be so powerful when we are depressed, but the longer I have lived the more life has taught me to be more understanding and accepting of this darkness when it hits. Keep your eyes open…and breathe deeply. Always breathe. Look up…the clouds will calm you. Yes, go to work. Dig in the dirt with your bare hands…feel the air against your skin. Embrace your fragile vines with a gentle touch…do the same for your spirit. Just hold it in your mind and tell it everything will be ok. Stay open to whatever this hell of darkness is bringing to you. Don’t fear it. It is not bigger than you because it is within you. It may take control of your wheel, but the car is yours. There is always a lesson. Ride it out. Write it out. Don’t lose sight of the beauty and love surrounding you…like accidental cassoulet, they will sustain you and hold you throughout your climb back.
You are both in my thoughts and prayers…and my heart. Bon courage et rester fort.
Kristin I have always enjoyed and admired your honest approach to life. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs with us all. I am sorry Jean Marc is struggling. You both will see the light at the end of the tunnel…even if it does take longer than either of you hoped for. I feel as though I have watched your family grow over the years. Time does fly. Children grow way too quickly and somehow in our hearts we stay young. (as long as there are no mirrors)! As I read your blog and view your photos, to me it looks like an idyllic life. I love France and have often wished to live there, but cannot leave my family:) You inspire me, give me glimpses of a life that I absolutely would love, and a love for Jean Marc and your family that abounds. My wish for you is that Jean Marc and you are back to where you want and deserve to be very soon.
Bonjour Kristin et Jean-Marc,
I have 2 things I wish to send you. Years ago, pre divorce, I sent you brownies. Since then I believe you have moved.
One has to do with rollercoasters ( no it will not terrify you ) and the other something to do with umbrellas. And no it is not the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
I would love for you to have these things. They have been very personal to me for decades. Now it is time for them to be with you two.
You have my email so let me know how I can get them to you.
Blue Butterflies to you both,
Sh’reen Morrison
Your negative comment is the only one that doesn’t need to be here. Don’t make assumptions about people that YOU don’t know. Many of these people have met the author and her readers, myself included. There is absolutely nothing wrong with people reaching out to others for support . We are all connected in some way. If you don’t like the posts, DONT READ them. There are plenty of other bloggers out there to amuse you.
So often I am touched by your tenderness to the beauty in life and recently to the struggle and pain you are all walking through. I am certain your love and tender caring makes a difference. I don’t presume to understand why we experience certain things but I am confidant a loving God cares and will walk with you!! With heartfelt love!
Jean-Marc and Kristi,
Sending prayers to you both. Your wedding picture is beautiful.
Depression has been an unwelcome part of my life since age 26. I’m 57 now and have more practice managing it but it’s never gone. Reaching out is the best way to find others who share the pain and gain insight. Without my husband I wouldn’t be alive, his acceptance and support are the reason I get up every day. Don’t give up! There are many options to manage depression and allow you to fund joy once again. Best of luck to both of you.
Kristi, I am praying for Jean-Marc. Give a hug from Oklahoma. He is going to make it.
Many blessings and prayers to you and your family for the challenges that you are facing at this time in your life. We all face struggles but with the love of our family and friends and sometimes even strangers we get through it, and we are stronger for it. May God bless you all and much peace.
Hi Kristin,
I hate roller coasters too! I’m always the one keeping everyones coats and stuff during their ride.
I am praying. I have had two bad bouts of depression in my life- just so hard to describe to someone. But I received so much help, and met people, because of it, whom I will treasure forever.
I liked Jean Marc’s intensity, when I met him. And your thoughts on marriage touched a nerve- such a journey. How many of us would have gone through with those vows knowing what lay ahead!?!? God is so much more faithful than me!!!
So much love to you both
Dear Kristi and Jean Marc!
Loved your beautiful wedding picture!! Sorry to hear about Jean Marc’s, I am sure, fleeting trouble. I am strong believer in herbal teas and potions, which I am sure you have also resorted to. I am wishing Jean Marc a very quick recovery!! Love, Francesca
http://syedakbarindia.blogspot.com/2010/07/beat-depression-with-cardamom.html
2010By Syed Akbar
Cardamom or elaichi is one of the best flavouring agents in kitchens across the world. It also finds its use in providing distinctive flavour and taste to a number of sweet dishes and desserts.
Besides its major strength, the unique flavour, cardamom has a number of health benefits. But here is a word of caution. Like in the case of many other herbs, cardamom should not be consumed in large proportions. It has its side effects too, including impotency if consumed in heavy doses regularly.
Those who wish to include cardamom in their herbal treatment schedule should make it a point to consume it in small proportions. When consumed in a little quantity, cardamom gives relief from depression, provides clarity to mind and thought and keeps a person stable in actions too. It has anti-cancer properties too.
Cardamom has been used in traditional systems of medicines for several hundreds of years. It is the seeds that give the flavour and benefits of health. Take a few fruits of cardamom. Remove the outer covering (skin). Take out the seeds and finely ground them. Add the powder to normal or herbal tea. Ayurvedic doctors believe that cardamom tea will help fight depression.
Some practitioners of herbal medicine prescribe cardamom as a cure to certain male sexual problems including premature ejaculation. Regular intake of cardamom either directly or through foods will help in improving appetite.
=====
Home remedies
=====
Those with a complaint of erectile dysfunction may drink a glass of milk mixed with a little quantity of finely ground cardamom seeds. Ayurvedic doctors believe that if cardamom milk is consumed everyday before going to bed, it will increase sexual potency.
A little cardamom (a pod or two) will help in controlling nausea. It is also prescribed for mouth ulcers.
Those who are intolerant to gluten (people who develop stomach upset on use of wheat or wheat products) may add a little cardamom powder to rotis or wheat upma to overcome the problem.
Cardamom tea is recommended as a home remedy to treat indigestion and the resultant flatulence.
For women, herbal doctors feel, cardamom tea is the best bet to ward off certain menstruation-related troubles.
Such hard times you have weathered together and will continue to do so I have no doubt….I remember a time when the world was dark and unweilding and wondering if I would ever see the sunshine and blue sky again.
I did!! You will!! I just know it. Prayers to all.
Roxylawless
As always, thank you for sharing, Kristin. You have already shown a lot of courage to pick up and move to a different country and culture, so am confident you will have the courage and strength to help Jean-Marc through this difficult time as well.
So special to have followed you for many years and learned from your openness. Each life has battles, at some point of major proportion, and so often they are hidden. We are built for community and giving to one another. In this way we grow in understanding, wisdom and love. Thank you for bringing forth the best of ourselves.
Thinking about you both and so grateful for what you have added to our lives.
Kristi,
You and Jean-Marc are in my prayers. You are both such an inspiration to me. I am always quoting from your blog to my husband and showing him photos of you both working on your vineyard and home.
Bisous,
Linda
🙏🏻
Hi Kristi and J.M.
Thank you to all of your wonderful readers who write so honestly. J.M. – you are helping so many, even if just one person, who can resonate and know that its ok to be real and to feel. I get what you are going through. Having love around and someone who is just there to hold, listen and say its ok . Its not all we need in depression but it is so helpful to have a warm hug in the darkest moments. I am grateful to your readers for book suggestions and all the other information . Sometimes – depending on how one really feels, we don’t want to hear all the “stuff” coming at us, but eventually when we have a moment of clarity, these healing messages may just lift the cloud for a few moments. Thank you Kristi for your honesty and frankness and reaching out. You two look so adorable in your wedding photo. Thinking about both of you as I head for a cycle around the seawall in Vancouver. Helps my anxiety. I personally do find that exercise and breathing in fresh salty sea air is good for the soul and increasing the endorphins. When I am on my bike, I feel alive and in the moment. Not everyone can access a salty sea, but I do agree that exercise of any sort, anywhere does help eventually. Love and kindness to both of you in beautiful France. Patricia
Your words remind me of the why that keeps me “keeping on,” despite times that seem not worth it. What is most important, it seems, is that two people recognize, acknowledge AND continue on their ride together. You and Jean-Marc made those first two steps…so much energy of hope and possibility come out of that and help you stay on the path together. Much love to you all~ you inspire me.
It’s good that Jean-Marc went to work today. Progress IS made in (sometimes) small steps, and every one is important.
Amazing how true love is NOT Romeo and Juliet but two people truly compassionate towards each other, propping each other up when needed while still seeing each other as equal. Commitment makes life worth living. And being such a great GIVER yourself, being able to receive/be propped up by your fans also makes us feel more equal to you 🙂
Kristi, you are so lovable! No matter the mysteries of love and life, of roller-coasters and the like, I am so thankful for all the good, all the chances offered us to take a seat next to each other, that comes along with the ride. Continued support and prayers!
Sweetie, you are not on a roller-coaster. You are in a marriage where depression and anxiety are being acknowledged…and addressed head-on. Yes, this is love (and marriage). LOVE to you both, Eileen XOXOX
Your hands (yours & Jean Marc’s) look clenched! 🙂 Ahh, the wedding day! Good memories! You’re doing fine, we are all doing fine, 36 years for me and mine! And somedays, are hands are still clenched!
Kristin, your wedding photo from 1994 is utterly gorgeous.
XOXO
DL.
Dear Kristi and Jean-Marc,
Honesty in all its magnificence!
It has been said that recognition and acknowledgement are the first steps in moving forward. Trust keeps it going. And it seems that there is a huge amount of trust going on here and a whole lot of love.
Every awareness and every breakthrough is one step closer to inner peace. We have faith in your strength to persevere.
With love and support,
Chris and George
So many wonderful, wise and helpful comments from your devoted readers. I don’t think I can add anything! I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking and praying for you both in this difficult time. I know what a thief ‘depression’ can be and how it can rob one of their happier, contented self. You are both very fortunate to have each other, although I know it must be very difficult at times; difficult personally, and difficult to see your loved one suffering. Please take care, sending you lots of hugs. xxoo