The regular edition, with bells and whistles, will be back next week. Photo of our home, from our 20th wedding anniversary, in 2014. Truly A Good Year for Jean-Marc.
Dear Readers,
If I ever wrote a cookbook or a memoir I would call it Accidental Cassoulet. And if I have one regret in my life it is this: not to have cooked from scratch from the age of 12 (when I was a wiz at grating cheddar cheese on a flour tortilla and grilling it in the oven. But one day I started a kitchen fire in our trailer, putting an end to any culinary prowess.)
When I was 14 years old and living in a condo in Carefree, Arizona my mom took me to a naturopathic doctor after I passed out in World Geography class (while giving a speech. I would pass out at one more speech, in college, and again at an airport checkpoint, which makes me realize today that blood sugar wasn't the only culprit. Anxiety has been there all along).
Nowadays, I realize that if I had followed that naturopath's advice to the T, 34 years ago (eat frequently, eat nutrient-dense foods) I might have avoided a lot of soucis, including self-medicating with alcohol. And I might have avoided skin cancer, because when you care about what you put into your body you care about your body). But these difficult experiences have led to a greater understanding and compassion for others.
I do believe, as Hippocrates said, that food is medicine. But if I break my arm, I will go to the hospital. (And I believe that some forms of depression are akin to breaking every bone in your body. And yet, my husband went to work today.)
I'm not sure where I am going with all of this information, except to bring you some sort of update. No, things are not much better. But some things are stronger. Things like faith, hope and marriage. Jean-Marc will get through this. He continues to ask for your prayers.
Meantime, Hippocrates, I'm making accidental cassoulet again today. (Is it an accident the second time around?). I've gotten into the habit of making a roast chicken (setting the chicken on a bed of potatoes and carrots and onions in their jackets). We eat this for dinner. Then, on day two, I put the leftover potatoes into a glass Tupperware for salads, later–some of the chicken, too, depending… Then I add white beans (soaked overnight, then boiled in water, strained) to all the roasting pan juices from the chicken. There are usually bits and pieces of garden rosemary, from the stuffing. I swirl all this together (having left the carrots, which are by now carmelized).
Food is the way to a man's heart, they say (and to his health…). But they don't talk enough about a man's mind. Thank you, Jean-Marc, for being so open about your struggle. So many pieces of the puzzle of our 22-year marriage have come together in the past two weeks. The roller-coaster ups and downs. At times I have felt my stomach tighten when the train we are on creeks to the top of another mountain, only for my insides to (feel like they'll) drop out when we are hurled over–and now speeding down the opposite slope!
Jean-Marc, the day that I realized that it wasn't you steering (overconfidently to the summit or fearfully to the bottom of the sea), I found perspective and empathy. And the day that you realized it wasn't you steering–but a mood steering–you found the courage and the determination to fight for the wheel.
I have always hated roller-coasters. They make my teeth chatter. They hurt my head. They have been known to come apart in mid-air! They test all of my preconceived notions about preconceived notions. But I will stay on this ride and share seats with you until we reach level ground–and beyond! This isn't a decision. And it is more than a promise "for better or for worse". And because I've lost the direction of this letter, I'd better add, This is much more than Accidental Cassoulet!
Is this, finally, the mystery of love?
* * *
Who looks like they are petrified? And who looks like they have won the French lottery? Jean-Marc and I taking our vows, in 1994.
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Kristi, thank you for having the courage to openly share your life experiences with your readers. You and Jean-Marc are not unique or alone. Your story can give your readers insight into similar life experiences as well as give them the courage to find help.
Happy anniversary!
Kristi, In answer to your question, yes, I believe it is.
Vous êtes tous les deux sur mes prières. Je vous embrasse très forté.
I wish you only the best….and accolades for hanging in there. Time will heel this desperately worrisome time. Keep the faith!
What a beautiful picture of your wedding day. Things will get better because you both are talking openly to each other. It stops you from becoming isolated from each other. You will also both become better at picking up the warning signs and be able to intervene much earlier stop the downwards spiral that depression causes. Take heart and look forward, after all summer is just around the corner!
Hi Kristi,
Have been enjoying your posts for a while. Today’s made me think you might like to take a look at Barbara Mendez, http://barbaramendeznutrition.com/ She is a licensed pharmacist turned nutritionist who discusses food from the perspective of its chemical properties and effects. Bon chance! Roni Beth
Have been so worried about you. Your strength will be a big part of conquering this. We are all supporting you both.
Prayer I do often, daily, asking God to answer those who reach out to Him. Jean-Marc has been on my list since his depression was revealed.
Kristi, a tremendous thank you for today’s post! I want you to know just how helpful it was to me to be able to read it this morning. My experience may differ from yours, but your thoughts could not be more relevant, nor more comforting, to me today, I know you write to express yourself, but you should always feel good about the gifts your posts represent for your readers. Prayers all around for everyone! And I wish you and Jean-Marc a peaceful weekend. Keep taking good care of yourselves, and each other.
Be well. You and your wonderful family are in our prayers.
Thanks for sharing. Keep the faith…..
Kristin, I love your blog and your recent entry struck me that not only do we have the love of the French language in common but the love of food as a path to healing. Please take a look at Hilary Boynton’s new book “Heal Your Gut” and also Terry Wahl’s work “The Wahl’s Protocol”. Both have great information for addressing anxiety and depression through diet and lifestyle. Wishing you and your husband bon courage for walking this difficult journey and remaining supportive and compassionate with each other.
Kristin,
Thinking of you both and sending warm wishes your way.
Beth & Guille
Kristin,
Thank you for sharing. You and your family are in my prayers.
ah sweeties, dahlings, and (from ireland) chickens… keep on, keep on…
x t
Dear, dear Kristi and Jean-Marc, you obviously have an amazing and supportive community out there. Keep up your courage and your love levels — the silver lining is already showing through!
Another beautifully written piece about life – yours, but also ringing a bell of familiarity for so many of us.
Bravo for facing this journey head on.
As for the cassoulet, try generous amounts of garlic and herbes de Provence. It never fails.
xo
The rollercoaster ride is most terrifying when riding in the front car. Hold tight. Breathe. Have faith. You are not alone. All those who love you are riding along in the cars just behind yours. You and Jean Marc will get to solid ground again just fine. <3
Indeed, Mme Espinasse you and your life details are fascinating. But the old French WAD with far more French words was too.
Thank you, Kristi, not only for your honesty, but for your creativity.
There are a million ways to describe a life, and you have been both positive and real. Think of all the ways one could answer, “how are you?” Should we complain, or smile defensively and say ‘great’ or reveal how blessed we feel?
By the way, I loved Jules response when you first talked about Jean-Marc’s depression, and her advice to go out into the middle of the vineyard. She is a treasure.
I am sitting halfway across the world from you, waiting for my mom to be released from a hospital. She came through an operation beautifully, then was given the wrong medication, which delayed her departure a day. And it is gorgeous outside. Which of these could I focus on? Some of all three I think.
I will pray for both of you, but I think you are being carried along by something divine and by your love and intelligence, and will be fine.
Dearest Kristi,
Your love for each other, the knowing that you are there and care for each other unconditionally, much provide much strength and comfort.
I have heard that those who receive prayers, even if they do not know they are being prayed for, heal faster than those who do not receive prayers. (I imagine in a proper study some participants received the placebo, i.e., were not added to the prayer list.) You and Jean-Marc are receiving many from across the globe.
I do not think Jean-Marc looks petrified. If he suffered depression that early on, perhaps his expression is one of awe – that this beautiful, compassionate woman is pledging her love to him.
Dr. James W. Pennebaker (in his book Opening Up, The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions) tells us that translating an event into language helps us understand it differently and more clearly. However, your sharing not only helps you, but I am sure helps many readers. I love quotes – wee bits of wisdom I refer to them as – and find this one apropos to insert here:
”In Japan, it is said that words of the soul reside in a spirit called kotodama or the spirit of words, and the act of speaking words has the power to change the world.”
~ Masauro Emoto, Japanese Scientist & author of The Hidden Messages in Water
As for the roller coaster ride (I don’t like them either), I leave you with a quote from Jon Kabat-Zinn “We can’t stop the waves, but we can learn to surf.”
Namaste
Dear Kristin and Jean Marc I am so sorry that life is very difficult at the moment. Thank you for sharing your insights and observations and feelings related to it. You have always been very brave and open, I really admire that about you in addition to your delightful writing and fantastic photos. Wishing you bon courage, love and hugs Karen
Please get on another topic so that the repetitious comments of your followers will stop. Many of these people have gotten far too involved in the lives of people they’ve never met. I’m sorry about your husband’s depression, but almost everyone has faced major difficulties and has dealt with them in one way or another.
I too am touched by your courage and candor in sharing your journey with Jean Marc. I hope the sharing brings you both strength needed to weather this storm. You certainly have helped others through your generosity.
My prayers and healing thoughts continue to be with Jean Marc and you. As someone who suffers from depression, I finally agreed to medication over 20 years ago. It has made a world of difference in my relationships with family and my a I.ity to “not sweat the small stuff!” May Jean Marc find the happiness and comfort he is seeking. He is lucky to have such a loving, supporting, insightful and understanding wife.
Stay off roller coasters – the last time I rode one, it was our first wedding anniversary in 1959 and I sat in the same car with my husband. I jammed my head again his chin the whole time. One of the secrets of our 53 year marriage was we stayed off roller coasters in amusement parks. It took until our 25th anniversary to celebrate recoveries of many kinds. You have found the secret of love when you hang in there: “let go and let God”. You both are in my prayers.
Kristin,
Such an open & candid letter about the problems you are sharing with Jean-Marc . I’m absolutely sure that putting all down in writing & sharing like this is the best thing to do. You will get strength from all the support from us all out here . Take heart, stay positive & have faith. x
my experience is that the blue ghoulies come-stay a while -and then they go. The trick is to hang on to the thought that this has happened before-and they will go,improbable as it seems at the time
Kristi, I hope you read this message. I have had stages of crippling depression in my life and done much research. I have been to later alternative doctors, I’ve been to “regular” doctors. Since you and Jean Marc are roughly my age, please may I make a suggestion. You MUST find a medical doctor who looks at the whole body and will test his hormone levels. NOT a blood test. The spit and urine test (sorry). When you reach forties your body changes. Last year I descended quickly and frighteningly into deep depression. My doctor gave me an antidepressant to get me through while I took the tests. I took hormone and neurotransmitter. It came back I majorly needed progesterone and my adrenal glands were burned out. My cortisol was so low my body wanted to sleep all the time and couldn’t function. After taking the proper supplements (hormones should never be synthetic), I feel whole again. It saved my life. A year later my husband began experiencing it. He needed testosterone and adrenal supplements as well. Depression I have learned over decades, is a symptom of something off in your body, rather than a thing in itself. Jean Marc, your body is trying to tell you something in the only way it knows how. You just have to figure out what. Could also be food allergies or your thyroid. This is also why our metabolism slows down around the same time (and can also be fixed). The Blend Insitute (google it) in Florida is world-renowned and they do phone consults. Thank you for your honesty. I believe when we share these things we can lift each other and help each other. Kristi, if you want it I don’t mind sharing my email address for any other questions or information. I remember the pain of this depression all too well. But I also know how wonderful I feel now, so it’s important to me to share it. We are all thinking of you.
Dear Kristi and Jean Marc,
Some days, I find that I just send loving thoughts or thoughts of well-being to you;
I was quite glad for the update that stating medical intervention is part of the plan
but even with that, time is required, as you know all too well.
Your Intentional Cassoulet will get you through this and many other periods because
it is generously spiced with faith, hope, love, kindness, mutual respect, and nurturance.
Sending more good thoughts on many days when you don’t even know they are
coming your way. . . plus the hope that this veil lifts so you will once again see life
with clarity and have the energy that you had before this bout of depression took
its toll on you, Jean Marc. . .
Amicalement toujours,
Micki
Your wedding photo is so lovely! And you do have the happiest expression ever! So pretty, and Jean-Marc so handsome!
Looking forward to next week’s post. Cookbook next?
Good thoughts being sent your way.
Perhaps now might be a good time for a mini vacation to Italy. Just you, J-M, and Mr. Sachs.
Hi Kristi and Jean Marc,
I have been following your blog for awhile now and have never sent a response or comments. However, I found the latest blog so articulate and moving that I have to express my gratitude. You have been addressing a complicated issue so compassionately, and with courageous clarity and genuine love. It can be next to impossible to navigate through such turbulent waters, but you are doing it so graciously and teaching the rest of us at the same time. Your insights and wisdom (and the comments of your followers)have been very helpful to me personally. Thank you for opening the discussion.
Thank you all for your sweet comments and your incredible support which do help.
A very special thanks for my Lovely wife Kristi who stands by me all the time in this very difficult pzeiod.
God bless you
Courage, strength, love and light.
Kristin,
I’m so sorry for what you all are going through, although your comment that some things are stronger “faith, hope, and marriage” is so true. Who knows why we have to go through these awful times, but we can be better people on the other side of it all. When my mother was dying a horrible death from cancer, we talked and both agreed that our faith in God had become stronger. We didn’t know why because my Mother was suffering so much and it didn’t appear that God was answering our prayers at all. It did bring our family closer together, my faith is stronger, and I’m more compassionate to other people’s suffering.
God bless you all.
Dear Kristi,
Your delicious chicken cassoulet makes me think of Henri IV and his proclamation “A chicken in every pot”. So many meals can be planned from a baked chicken … even a late night sandwich! I send you and Jean-Marc my very best wishes for better times soon to come.
All of your blogs are interesting, this one, though, stands out to me as exceptional. Your description of living with depression as a long ride on a roller coaster is so insightful, and it helps us feel what it is like. I’ve not lived inside of depression, but two of my daughters do (since they were in their teens, actually). So, we’ve been riders on that roller coaster, too. So well said! You guys are amazing in your willingness to be transparent. Thank you.
You are both in our thoughts! Plants I think of that can be helpful at times like these are the leaves of the Hawthorn tree (nibble on them or put them and their flowers or fruit in tea), Rose petals, Clary Sage (I love to add a few drops of the essential oil to any lotion). These are all up lifting and can ease the heart during a time of struggle. These are helpful for you both.
I also want to thank you both so very much for taking care of our children while they were visiting. Merci Beaucoup for the lovely gifts. I hope we see you both soon.
I have been following your posts for quite some time, since I a moving to France. You and Jean-Marc have found a way into my soul and I thank you for sharing your heart with us– your dear readers. I hold you both in my heart — wishing better times ahead come soon.
Want you to know how healing for me it has been to read all the comments regarding depression. I have suffered with it on and off for years. Heartfelt thanks for JM and Kristi for courageously opening this discussion and sharing their experiences and thank all of you for sharing your experiences. Happy Saturday! N
Forgot – Yes and I love the title AC. Know that a lot of love is coming your way. Hugs
I sent today’s blg to my 17 year old granddaughter who began anxiety attacks at the age of 7. She has navigated these waters and speaks out publicly in blogs and speeches. I felt the power in your writing Today would be duly understood and valued. Indeed the most insightful and meaningful blog you have EVER written!!!!!!! Feel the love. Feel the prayers.
Kristin and Jean-Marc. Joyeux Anniversaire maintenant et beaucoup plus. Soyeuz heureux.Avec prieres et amour.Vivian
Jean-Marc will get through this due to his strength, even if he doubts that strength now, your support, and prayers. God bless you both.
Kristin and Jean-Marc: Joyeux anniversaire, maintenant et dans l’avenir. Soyeuz heureux. Avec prieres et amour. Viviaan
Dear Heart
Jean-Marc doesn’t look petrified at all. More like a young man who is relishing marrying the love of his life.
Dearest Ones- Hang in there! I went through my 3rd (& worst) major depression 2 years ago. During it, I lost the friendship of my two ‘best’ friends. Everyone else hung in with love & support and thanks to them I now feel joy again. I am stronger & more grateful for each day, each act of kindness, each moment I see beauty. It is a difficult journey, but worth the effort. My prayers & best wishes are with you both.
Keep staying in the path of finding good for your mind and body. I know it can be hard. Having had a husband who suffered from depression and alcoholism, I know how hard it can be. You are there supporting Jean-Marc and he supports you. You aren’t afraid to put it out there for support and guidance. My ex was afraid to tell what he had for fear he would lose his job. But also because as he put it, he was not ready to give up his addictions. in the end it took him. So my message is seek help and put everything into it. Your are the rock for each other keeping each other grounded. I did that for 10 yrs, until I couldn’t take any more. Of course I ran with my kids out of fear he would take us too; he said he would. On that sad note, enjoy all the good life has to offer. Do you best to take care of you and those you love. And hopefully they will do the same.