For those who've never seen us before, I thought to include this photo of Jean-Marc and me, pictured under this pink chinese umbrella. We've lost a bit of hair which is understandable in these cloudy times! At first I thought this quote (to our left) was an unfinished sentence. But on rereading it, I now see it in a new light:
"No relationship is only sunbeams–but two people sharing an umbrella and surviving the storms together."
And here is the original quote in English, following the French.
Aucune relation n'est qu'un rayon de soleil, mais 2 personnes qui partagent un parapluie et survivent aux tempêtes ensemble. No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.
TODAY'S WORD: le rayon de soleil
: sunbeam, ray of sunshine
MESSAGE FROM JEAN-MARC in the following sound file.
Download MP3 or Wav file
Tous vos messages sont des rayons de soleil dans cette période très difficile que je traverse. Je vous en remercie du fond du coeur.
All your messages are rays of sunshine in this difficult period that I'm going through. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE…
by Kristi Espinasse
In case you were wondering, from the opening quote, whether our marriage is in peril–wonder no more! We are truly huddled together under this umbrella of one man's depression, waiting for the rain and winds of change to blow over so that we may settle onto solid ground again. We have cancelled our family reunion and reduced our life to the essential: love and trust, food, water and sleep. (And medical attention, for those of you who were concerned I might try to pray his depression away.)
Jean-Marc and I want to thank you for your compassion and understanding. I have read aloud your comments to him, clicked on your links, listened to your songs, read your scriptures and quotes and watched your recommended videos. I've starred your notes, researched your suggestions, and if I missed anything Mama Jules pointed it out ("Remove Carol's email address which was accidentally published along with her comment!") Thanks, Mom! Thanks for making me scan 300 comments!
And thank you for each and every word, which merited a reread or, as Mom say, is worth collecting in a hard-bound edition! Yes, that would be a treasure. For the moment, we'll save some trees and hope that others will find, as our family has, comfort and de l'espoir in so many thoughtful words and personal stories of depression. Thank you for your generous outreach and for your courage in sharing.
At this time Jean-Marc feels the strong need to rest, so I am posting a photo of his hammock (which he has only used once!) to remind him to go there. And to go gently through this difficult time.
And to scoot over, so that that large umbrella and I can fit in, snugly.
* * *
Poppies and Olive trees in the back yard
Many rivers to cross. May they be rivers of flowers. (a favorite photo of Jean-Marc and Mr Sacks)
photo from 2008. Thank you for keeping Jean-Marc in your thoughts and prayers. Sending all this bright sunny compassion back your way.
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2 quotes come to mind that
I recall when I’m down.
An old Persian (?) saying
“This too shall pass”
and from John Lennon
“In the end everything
will be okay,
if it’s not okay,
then it’s not the end”
…two under an umbrella, two in a hammock. Make room for Kristi in it Jean-Marc.
hugs
We send our kindest thoughts and prayers to both of you in this time of enduring and healing. Giving yourselves permission to ‘come apart and rest awhile before you come apart” sounds like the very best thing for you and your family.
“The Art of Abundance” by Candy Paull is filled with small ‘abundances'(“Abundance is…honey on wheat toast”, “Abundance is…a dog laying in the grass waiting for you to scratch his stomach”, “Abundance is…someone to kiss goodnight”)etc.
The book is calming, kind, easy on the heart and mind.
I Peter 5:7, “Cast all your care on Him, for He cares for you.”
We are two more of your readers who care deeply for your good health and joy returning to your lives. Your children and family members are included in our prayers.
We are thinking of you and send lots of love and positive thoughts. Xxx
For the two of you. When you said you were listening to songs, here is the one that came to mind. It has given me comfort and I hope it does you, too.
Peace,
Marjie
I wish you a speedy and wholesome return to peace and calm and to just be without analysing everything (i always feel so selfish, alone and critical, self critical when I am in THAT place) when I am whole I am but a cog in the wonderful machine of life going happily along as part of the master plan. You are very fortunate to have people around you who – although they don’t necessarily know and feel what you are going through- are very supportive and loving. I wish my wonderful husband could be the same. I sometimes feel I coud just drop of the scale and it wouldn’t make one iota of difference (its all about me of course!!) I envy people who give so much of their time, life, energy to others – I wish I were one of these wonderful deserving people. My thoughts are with you Jean Marc – I so wish you wellbeing. Gros bisous
As before, dear Kristi and Jean Marc, I ‘ditto’ what others say here, and continue to send waves of warm love and support. May the garden-hammock – real and metaphoric — embrace you both as recovery gradually releases JM from the realm of shadows. Soon you will FEEL the rays of sunshine again and marvel at the richness of day-to-day Being with fresh joy. It will come. We who share this illness promise you that.
Bonjour Kristin! Wow–we are dealing with the same issue right now, but in my home it concerns my 19-year-old high school senior. It’s a very long story, but the short version is that he recently let me know (through the no-eyes-upon-me safety of a text) that he was feeling very, VERY down again after two really good years, and that he was actively seeking to not let us know until now (and he did a great job of it–college acceptance and celebration, prom, a triumphant return to pole vault after a devastating ACL tear, etc). I immediately contacted his doc; she’s been working miracles with him since he was in 5th grade, and I believe she is a goddess. She is meeting with him, and then us, today. In the meantime, she sent me this link, and when I read your post I knew i had to share it with you. I hope that you and Jean-Marc will find comfort, as I do, in information, especially in dealing with depression as a family, since we know there are no real “actions” we can take to “fix” anything.
http://www.heysigmund.com/dealing-with-depression-14-insights/
Aller, biz et bonne lecture! Je suis de tout mon coeur avec vous tous!
… cher JM and chère Kristin….In times of ‘trouble and darkenss’ in our lives, one thing I have learned in 75 years! that is , absolutely nothing stays the same… forever. As many of your fans have written, there is no ‘easy fix’ that one size fits all. Sometimes meds can help over exremely dark periods… and sometimes not. At one point in my life I was separated from my husband with a 9 year old boy , and then no job…and the depression and panic attacks came on like a tsunami. It was after six months and many sessions with a Pastor, whom I had not known previously and open sessions with oher women who were in similar situations
that I was able to gain control of my life. I survived and we reconciled ( not easy as he was in Calif. and we were in Alaska!) and have been together ever since then, 1986. I am living proof that if you do not give up and give in and try hard to see and count your blessings, sometimes life will work out for you. You have an incredible won am for a wife and good friend and a family that loves you… all the ammo you will ever need to see the sunshine in your life again… My best wishes to both of you.. Judi… Tallahassee, Fl.
From reading the comments, I’m sure I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said but I want you to know I am praying for you both. Being blessed to finally get to meet you both in person, I was really taken in by what a kind intelligent hard working man Jean-Marc is. I remember and appreciate so much that he took care of my parking ticket for me that I got in Lorgues.
During my visit last October, on one of my last days, I made a visit to Moustiers St. Marie. As I was ready to leave I noticed the trail that leads to a small church up on the hill. I had to go up there which was a pretty good hike. It was so serene and peaceful up there and I was inspired to spend time in prayer. At the time, the Pastor of my church was suffering from several critical brain abscesses. It wasn’t known if he would survive or become coherent and functional after surgery. So being so far away he was at the top of my list to pray for at the time. I am happy to say that he has been healed, He survived the surgery and has been back to preaching for several months now. I do believe that was a special place. Maybe you can make the trip up there and feel the peace that I experienced. Avec tout amour Dawn
Dear Kristi and Jean-Marc,
We are so heartened by your message in today’s post
and have faith that you will persevere. As you move forward step by step, day by day, remember the encouraging words of the Desiderata that you have often mentioned. And don’t lose sight of the mornings when you will be able to leap out of bed with a cry of joy and embrace the day!
Affectionately, Chris and George
bisous a vous deux d’Auvillar –
John & Cheryl
Kristin, in this post you thank everyone for their words of encouragement and hope. But really, we are the ones who should thank you and Jean-Marc. Thank you for sharing your story honestly and transparently, respectfully and kindly, leaving intact the dignity of all involved, including those of your readers who can so easily identify with the issue. What a lovely picture today of being under the umbrella together! There is no telling how many people have been encouraged by your writing about this. I’m praying for you!
Our dear Kristi,
Marriage is for better or worse,life is for better or worse,and the love and devotion you two share is beyond just sharing an umbrella but forEVER.
Praying for each other is one of the best and most powerful gifts we can give to those we care about.When things seem bleakest and most discouraging,faith is the strongest hand we can hold.
We are keeping you always in our prayers and next to our hearts.
Courage and strength on this journey.
ALL WILL BE WELL.
Love
Natalia XO
What a lovely positive post from such a wonderful sounding person !Take this advice Jean-Marc
Rest, relax, absorb the healing sun of Provence. My thoughts are with you both.
I was in Paris for the first time (ever!!) and we lit candles in all the usual places and when we were in Notre Dame I prayed for you. I hope that you are doing better. A writer (cant remember who) called depression “the black service”. It might be hard to heal with the world looking on..but it cant hurt to have so many people wishing you well. I had heart surgery last year and everyone in many religions prayed for me-right when they put me out to restart my heart (I was awake for the ablation) I felt like a blanket of warmth covering me. So I send you my blanket and hope it keeps you warm.
I have experienced depression myself and wonder why it is labeled “depression”….I felt as though I’d lost myself…I can remember an overwhelming feeling of “where did I go?”….The good news is, no matter how we label it, this mysterious illness does GO AWAY…I am relieved to read that Jean Marc is receiving medical treatment as well as our prayers….Jean-Marc, roll with the healing process, remember that it doesn’t travel in a straight line, but most of all, remember that you WILL heal. My very best love to you both, Eileen XOXO
Just another friendly voice out of the wilderness to repeat strangely useful platitudes: You will be able to deal with whatever comes. The only important thing is the people you love.
For me, during times like these, rest and quiet are essential for healing. In my life, I recently lost my mom. She passed away almost two weeks ago. And although it wouldn’t call it depression, it feels like it at times. I know the feeling of deep loss will lighten as time goes by. At least I think so. But all I seem to be able to do is rest, even when my mind badgers me to get up and get something done. So I’m gifting myself with time to just be in the moment and take it easy and not beat up on myself. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Going by the posts, there is wonderful love, support, and energy going your way.
Dear Kristin,
Several years ago, our son, at age 26, was severely depressed. There was really nothing we could do to help, so on top of seeing him suffer, we felt helpless and sad. I’m sharing this with you because I’m sure you are also in pain because you cannot make him better – only he can do that. I hope you will take comfort in the knowledge that many of us have been where you are now and understand and share your feelings.
https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=AwrSnfSsuytXa4sBWABXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTBscjdldmhrBGNvbG8DZ3ExBHBvcwMxBHNlYwNzYw–?p=chonda%20pierce%20depression&back=https%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Ffr%3Dyfp-t-201-s%26fr2%3Dsa-gp-search%26fp%3D1%26p%3Dchonda%2520pierce%2520depression&sigb=133sj11hh&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOVP.V1aa600b32f6dd046aee8f056d9c2b747%26pid%3D15.1&sigi=12bdk0cgb&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D2twMznJHc3E&sigr=11bd1mobq&vid=d63a3d8e03dcfd4c29804b4824f0ae11&tit=%22Rehab%20%26%20Recovery%22%20By%20Chonda%20Pierce%20Part%201&sigt=11amj3mv1&fr=yfp-t-201-s
Dear Jean-Marc,
From personal and family experience I know, more than I ever hoped, about depression. The best I can propose is bon courage in waiting it out, because it is bound do get better with time, though never quickly enough. The next best is some music of Bach, like the concerts this weekend in Venelles and in Aix, http://academie.bach.aix.free.fr/index.html, in which I happen to be singing. Although I am not a Christian these words really get to me
7. Chorale
Must I be troubled?
If Jesus loves me,
all pain to me is
sweeter than honey;
a thousand kisses of sugar
He gives to my heart.
When pain is present,
His love turns to joy
even bitter suffering.
and the music is otherworldly. It would be great to see you at one of these events.
Robe-aire
kristi,
I think Gondorph deserves your “Arizona cowgirl” comment!
Herm
How amazing! Here’s today’s “Word of the Day” Feeling depressed is lousy; I know. Beth
A.Word.A.Day
with Anu Garg
angor
PRONUNCIATION:
(ANG-guhr)
MEANING:
noun: Extreme anguish or mental distress.
ETYMOLOGY:
If you’ve ever been so angry, or so anguished, that you felt choked you’ve personally experienced the origin of this term. It comes from Latin angor (strangling, suffocation, mental distress), from angere (to squeeze). Ultimately from the Indo-European root angh- (tight, suffocating, painful), which also gave us anger, anguish, anxious, angst, angina, and hangnail. Earliest documented use: 1440.
USAGE:
“But each word helps to create the tone of the story, set the mood, build the atmosphere, and illustrate the characters’ sense of angor.”
Anu Garg; Confessions of a Word Addict; Writer Magazine (Waukesha, Wisconsin); Dec 2003.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-05-06/men-friendship-how-to-make-friends-in-middle-age-your-say/7379830
This article might be useful.
Warm Wishes
Best wishes to you both and thanks for sharing.
I love this!…so many people have suffered like this….either mentally or physically….just be there for each other with lots of love and tlc….it WILL pass.
This is interesting, John. May I copy and send this info to my adult son who suffers from depression?
Thank you, Kate Dickerson
Kristi and Jean-Marc –
I’m hoping that your cloud will lift soon, as the days get longer and your world is filled with more sunshine…beaucoup de rayons de soleil pur vous deux!
I meant “pour vous deux”!!!
As I write this entry, I struggle to deal with my own ongoing journey of my husband’s episodes of depression – still refusing to seek help. Kristen, you sharing your own journey with your beautiful husband gives me strength to continue to be there, to hope and to be patient and to not give up.
May an abundance of rays of sunshine beam down on you both.
Koula
So very glad to hear you are sticking close to one another and listening to your body telling you to rest. You’ve been through a lot of upheaval and changes these past few years. Reflection and down time can be a blessing from God. Soak Him up. Let Him refresh as only He can. It’s beyond us, the way He works. Continue to be gentle, be loving, be patient with yourself and with each other. Enjoy this time of pulling back. I’ve experienced depression too. So have family members. Seek the medical help for as long as you need it. Sending prayers and much love from here in Arizona!!!
Kristi,
I bet Smokey would be a great therapy dog. He might be really helpful to Jean Marc. I can just imagine both of them in the hammock. Keep up your spirits and this too shall pass. Our prayers are with Jean Marc and you.
Kathleen
Jean-Marc and Kristi,
Years ago I had serious postpartum depression. Hypnosis with a wonderful therapist saved my life. My therapist also taught me to do self-hypnosis which I used many times just to relax or if I felt myself sliding again into a depressed state. It was so tranquilizing that I often just wanted to prolong the state. I was on an anti-depressant when I first had postpartum depression, but ultimately hypnosis did the trick for me much better than any drug. I highly recommend giving it a try. Also, for some reason, depression hits large numbers of people in the spring, so you are not alone. As T.S. Eliot said, “April is the cruellest month . . .” Thinking of you and sending many good wishes and my prayers that you will soon be dancing; June is almost here!
Amicalement, Margie
Gondorph, you are dreaming if you think the pioneers were never depressed. They just didn’t talk about it because it had such a negative stigma.
Bonjour Kristi, (Just read your book and LOVED it!) I am listening to a program on France Inter at this moment (on my podcasts) and it’s called L’intestin: Notre deuxieme cerveau? It made me think of my struggles with depression, and how it was always related to the health of my digestive system. Just a suggestion for you and Jean Marc. When I was put on an antibiotic last year, my depression a remonte! Just now (9 months later) my cheerful and happy disposition has been restored. The latest is discussed in this podcast and in French too so you can share with Jean-Marc. Add probiotics to your diets, eat yogurt (without sugar if possible)and if needed drink Kombucha (found in health stores even in France) as often as possible. It sounds far-fetched, and I would not believe it worked if I did not experience it myself. I wish you both happiness! Your book brought me so much enjoyment. I hope my suggestion isn’t too invasive. Wishing you both all the best and many blessings. Sarah
Si vous pensez qu’un changement de lieu, outre-Atlantique, pourrait vous être bénéfique, je vous invite à venir séjourner chez moi en Californie du nord, près de la vallée de Napa. Avec grand plaisir !
Vraiment, j’espère que vous accepterez. n
Dearest Kristi and Jean-Marc~
Thank you for being brave enough to open your lives, with its pain and suffering, to us. The effects of depression are overwhelming for all members of a family. As I (& many others) hold you and J-M dear to my heart, I send loving thoughts with hopes that this will lift soon. I have lived with depression all my life. I found help through counseling and with antidepressants. In recent years, my yoga practice, with its emphasis on the breath, has helped dramatically.
About 10 years ago I took yoga teacher training and was introduced to various types of breathwork. One of the most important & helpful ways was diaphragmatic breathing (sometimes called “belly breathing”) which allows for relaxing the abdominal muscles so that the diaphragm can function fully. Inhaling, it presses into the abdominal area, which results in a lifting or expansion of belly muscles. Breathing out, the muscles sink back inward.
In diaphragmatic breathing, one learns to breath slowly and more deeply. Practice in a very comfortable reclined position, arms resting by the side. Perhaps a pillow under the knees to ease the lower back and one under the head. It is important that the spine can rest easily, naturally.
During this practice, there is very little lifting/expansion in the chest. The focus is on the ab region.
– After settling the body, begin by simply noticing the natural breath, follow its natural rhythm, without trying to make anything happen. Continue to allow the body to release, relax and sink down. Then,
-relax the jaw by opening the mouth wide like we do when yawning, then s l o w l y let it close; let the teeth slightly part; let the muscles circling the mouth soften. Relax the muscles circling the eyes.
-now slowly begin to lengthen the inhale/exhales to a count of 3-5. Gradually this number will increase, but as you are learning, start slowly. All attention is on the belly, keeping the muscles soft, allowing them to lift and expand. You want to feel the effects of breathing here rather than in the chest.
-as you lengthen the breath, avoid tensing the chest or belly muscles. This is an experience in “letting go” of effort. (It has helped me to focus on feeling the air moving through the back of my throat.)
-the length of the exhale should match the inhale.
After a few deeper breaths, let go and allow the breath to be natural, not attempting to change it, again observing it as it is. Move between deeper breathing and the natural breath several times. 5-10 minutes.
Like anything new, it takes practice to get into the rhythm of diaphragmatic breathing. Go slowly. We are becoming the observer of the breath, focusing, and getting out of our minds with its incessant “thinking” during this practice. (Ah, that!)
There is a wealth of information online. One source is Ray Long, MD, at Bandha Yoga. Ray teaches yoga anatomy and I was fortunate enough to attend one of his week long workshops. He has a beautiful illustration of the diaphragm at his link below–it is very helpful to know what this marvelous muscle looks like and where it is. (I do not use the pillow under the torso as he shows though.)
http://www.dailybandha.com/2015/08/diaphragmatic-belly-breathing.html
Diaphragmatic breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system which, among other things, lowers hearts rate, blood pressure, and serves to help in overcoming stress, depression, etc. There are many articles on this, too.
The above is a brief outline of how I practice/lead diaphragmatic breathing. If you have any questions, please email me.
Holding you all in my heart–blessings and love,
Patty
Such a great post & lovely photos. I am so glad you guys are on the path to wellness! Remember, it’s a journey, a step by step life. It is never done. Prayers & thoughts —-and thank you so much for keeping us updated. It’s like one big family!
Clearly, “Gondorph” knows ZILCH about clinical depression, which is a serious mental health illness long recognized by the National Institutes of Health, not a fleeting feeling of disappointment or “doldrums” that can be “shaken off”.
Anyone who uses such dismissive, disparaging and childishly-cliched vocabulary in commenting on an illness reveals him/herself to be not only a talentless writer, but also an acutely uninformed, judgmental, self-proclaimed know-it-all.
And perhaps the curmudgeonly commenter would do well to review the comments posted by both a surgeon and a medical doctor on this page.
(N.B. It’s jarring to read feedback of this tone and nature in this blog where a like-minded Francophile community comes to be entertained and educated.
Kristi, is there no tool on your blog platform to screen out comments such as the one above? And if not, can you just delete this vitriol?)
Jean-Marc & Kristi – You are both in my thoughts today. I am glad you have each other and your love to weather this storm together.
I’m sorry I haven’t written before, but unfortunately, I have been in Jean-Marc same boat! I’m seeing a few rayons de soleil – I hope Jean-Marc is also feeling the warmth of the sun. I am now able re-read the wonderful comments your readers have made. There are a lot of good ideas there. I’m not sure I’m ready to act on any of them, but I know they are there and that they are important. I am keeping your posts for when I can take some action! Please take care, Kristin and Jean-Marc. I’m glad you have each other!!
O, who are you Trish to be such an “expert” on mental illness?! Get a clue and get over anything w/the word “clinical” in it to legitimize it. You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be = said by Abraham Lincoln. Life is difficult at times and one must just try and make the best of it instead of wallowing in self-pity, OH DUH!
Jean Marc, I am praying for you. I have depression, too, and even though I take an anti-depressant medication, it isn’t a cure-all for it, and I still have days that I don’t want to even talk to my family. I know how awful it can be, but if you hang on to all of us out here, your friends in the great big wild world, we can get through this together. Hang on, because the black cloud will move on after a bit, and we shall all cheer and celebrate with you, when it does. God bless you.
God works in many ways to heal us, to call us closer to Himself, to make us stronger. May He use the rest, the safety of your relationship, the medication and more to bring Jean-Marc to a brighter day. He is loved with a never ending love and he is safe in the arms of his Heavenly Father. Blessings on you both.
Continuez vos efforts en bon courage.
My thoughts are with you both. Depression is real, and luckily mostly treatable. I’d just like to add a word of caution about St. Johns Wort, which can be dangerous when used with some anti-depressants. Bon courage! I’d also like to add my sympathy to the person who wrote about losing her mother two weeks ago.
I always tell myself everyone is doing the best they can in any given moment. And nothing stays the same for very long. My thoughts are with you both.
Dear Kristi, this post offers hope and optimism. Stay strong in the peaceful solitude you have chosen for now, knowing a world of love and kindness surrounds you. Jules is correct: these posts + comments would make a valuable resource. You are helping countless others as you strive to help yourselves. Je vous souhaite un jour lumineux …