Readers call him anything from "Hunk of Burning Love" to "Chief Grape" (and some other things, read on…). Here is my husband in his vines, at this morning's unofficial harvest. More pictures will be posted, soon, at Instagram (see here).
A SERIOUS WARNING:
Today's story includes sensitive material (and the F word). Please do not be offended or sign off for this transgression. And if I have made a horrible mistake, in this emotional state, please allow a second chance just as you sometimes need one too!
la vendange (von-donzh) noun, feminine
1. grape/wine harvest or vintage; grapes (harvested); grape crop
vendanger (von-don-zhay) verb
1. to pick or to harvest grapes
Comme les vendanges, les amours tardives sont les plus délicieuses. / Like the grape harvest, love gathered late is the most delicious. –Jean Amadou
Listen to my daughter pronounce today's word & quote:
Download vendange.mp3 or Download vendange.wav
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE… by Kristin Espinasse
"Hostile"
In an ideal world, my husband would be married to a vigneron – or at least a woman who drinks wine. She would love the sun, love to travel and thrive on the unexpected.
I was once like that–back when Jean-Marc married me. Lover of wine, sun and travel. They say people don't change. But I did. Partly for the better. Partly for the worse.
Weeks like this one bring out the worst in me. The flurry of the unknown: the wine harvest and the house change-over (we are leaving our home to my brother-in-law and his family on Friday, while we go on vacation. But first, I would like to find all the cobwebs, the rings around the sinks, and the dustbunnies and remove them–along with all our dirty sheets–before my houseguests arrive to spend the day with us…lunch and dinner…and before my husband, our kids, our dog, my husband's bike and I leave them and pile into my brother-in-law's small car (we've sold ours) and drive through the night to the west coast (where we will pass the time until our rental home is available at 4pm (but where will we go for shade, and what will we do with our dog?)
I am nervous about finishing the housework, nervous about what to cook for family, Friday, nervous about the overnight drive (is it safe? Will we stay awake? and Friday's family lunch, dinner what will I make?). Each question is another tick in a time bomb.
Last night I exploded. And every deep-seated fear and insecurity inside of me poured out, onto my equally-riled husband. He was unable, then, to take me into his arms at a time when I needed it the most. (Well, would you hug a volcano? Would a volcano hug a volcano?)
This all reminds me of an upsetting email I received. David writes:
Your 'confession of being a recovering alcoholic seemed to fill in your pattern of hostility, to wit: that JM should change professions to become a winemaker could easily be interpreted by someone in my profession as being the ultimate passive aggressive act against you.
Your ambivalence re: writing your memoir on-line has been interesting to observe. You are 'in the weeds' and you know it, but haven't yet had the insight as to why.
IN THE WEEDS (OR AT LEAST IN THE SHEETS)
When I am done pleading with God, I lie there frozen, wondering. What will happen today?
Of course no one can know what will happen. I did not know, two days ago, that I would find another lump on my dog. I am helpless to change the course of life, but I am capable of standing up for myself and for others while innocents fall.
WARNING: HERE IS THE SENSITIVE PART
I will begin by answering David's email. And I am sincerely sorry, Dear Reader, if the following words offend you as they do me (and I pray my Aunt–or anyone she knows–is not reading):
FUCK YOU! You don't know my husband, or me, or my family.
Kristin
I was supposed to write about our unofficial grape harvest. But all of this was ticking inside of me. Everything is okay now. And if you were driving past our vineyard early this morning, amidst the leafy vines laden with grapes, you saw a man and a woman in a deep embrace:
"Désolé pour hier soir."
xoxo
Kristi
(not hostile. Only human)
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I think you have no worries about losing any of your readers (who are truly supportive!) any time soon because you needed to put a very angry and toxic person in their place. This person is not reading the same blog that I am, that’s for sure.
I have to say, Kristy, that while I have never met you, you never came off as anything but a loving wife. But, you are a human being who chose to spend her life with another person and not every day is going to be rainbows and butterflies. While I, too, have made that decision, I sometimes wonder if we, humans, are meant to mate for life. 🙂 It’s not easy to spend your life with another person and there are good days and not-so-good days, as anyone who has ever had a relationship knows. Obviously toxic David isn’t one of them – and good thing! Can you imagine living with that?!!
Again, I will stress, you never came off like how he described you. Never.
Don’t think any more about toxic David … and enjoy your wonderful family on your vacation.
Mas oui! Kristin, I am far away geographically, the giant coastal redwoods of Northern California, but you have been an amazing touchstone for me in many ways, and just your presence via inbox, Facebook, has been a light, YOU MUST KNOW THIS! I am grateful for your honest and heartfelt shares, I admire your writing and I know what it is to keep a family, a business, a husband, your own creativity and teenagers all moving in some sense of forward. Whoever this David is, with his pompous and pitiful comments, which are meant only to attack, and to dull your bright light. People like him are sad, but people like you are spreading light; and your troubles just remind me that life is a multi faceted experience, and I can direct the challenges into the light. Thank you for sharing and please don’t waste a drop more of your energy on this persons comments. He’s pitiful. Hasn’t been deserving of your time and attention!
One of the things that makes for a good marriage is that a partner’s irritating quirks, after a time, become perceived as more endearing than annoying. Kristin, since you’re so open, you’ve expressed such feelings about Jean Marc from time to time. That’s not the sign of a troubled marriage, it’s the sign of a successful marriage.
On our 45th wedding anniversary, Margie gave me a gift which I posted in a recent blog entry. Scroll down to items 43, 44, and 45 on the list, which can be found at http://ljkrakauer.com/LJK/00s/45years.htm .
I can hardly say anything better than all the others who have reassured you that your response to David was appropriate and entirely understandable. I hope you find comfort and strength in this outpouring of love from your readers. We cherish you and your words (even then “F” one)!! Janis
Too many people love being an armchair psychologist and critic, spewing out their opinions and judgmental criticism (all out of a sincere desire to help you discover the errors of your ways, of course, since they clearly are qualified to analyze you based on your blog). I wonder how these same people would react if the microscope was turned on them and some random stranger who had never met them started handing down a bunch of sanctimonious, unasked-for “advice.” Not worth spending another moment’s thought on this ridiculous person, my dear. Sending good thoughts & wishes for Smokey’s health.
Way to go, Kristin! Bon mot du jour! My husband and I recently celebrated our 25th anniversary of being together (married for 11 years). Only a few weeks before that, we were volcanoes to each other, too, because we are living and growing human beings, not mannequins going thru the motions.
I have been reading your blog for about a year now and just started your “Words in a French Life” and have not come across any indication that you have sublimated hostility towards your husband. I like that you share with your readers that you sometimes experience frustration with your partner and that you sometimes don’t feel confident; I can relate to that. When you do write about when things are going well, I know that it’s not because of some magic of living in France, but because you and your family are good people that have worked hard to enjoy life’s pleasures.
I won’t stop reading your blog and books, and I hope that commentators with either sublimated or blatant hostility don’t cause you to stop writing. Let their mean-spirited words roll away. And do enjoy your much deserved family vacation!
WELL SAID. WOULDNT WASTE ANY MORE TIME ON DAVID THAN IT TOOK TO SAY WHAT YOU DIDmuch💕💕💕🌴💕LYNN
Thanks for letting YOU be You. That’s what I love about your writing. You said what needed to be said. Good for you.
Qui! Une bonne réponse. !! A retort to David’s comment is exactly what the expression “fuck you”
was meant for.
Félicitations
Betty
Love of life and family is what I have always sensed in your words and stories. Being frustrated, at times, with our loved ones is a part of life. It certainly does not mean that we don’t love them.
So sorry to hear that Smokey has another lump.
Kristin,
I’ve been reading your blog since 2002 and had the pleasure of visiting with you twice. Just a few days ago, while driving, I was thinking about how much of your beautiful life you have so bravely shared with us, your readers. Far from perfect, but poignant imperfect life, that we all look forward to reading. You’ve shared big and small moments with equality; love and loss; changes and certainty. Remember, we opt in to reading you. The David’s out there can certainly opt out, as they are the losers in life.
Enjoy vacation.
Amicalement,
Virginia
Kristi,
David should take his own advice and examine why he would offer such nasty, unsolicited advice to someone he has never met. Perhaps he is the one in the weeds.
Never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in her shoes. Then when you’re a mile away and you have her shoes, you can judge in complete safety. David is that horrible creature spawned of the internet the Troll. Put these idiots on IGNORE!
Kristin,
i have always suspected that I was secretly in love with you-now I’m sure. Bravo!
As for him, comment ids les Francais- “Sale Cafard”
Dave(not that David) Kapsiak
Well said Sir…..
Oh Kristin, don’t worry about what seems to be negative press from David. It’s just his perspective and he jumped at the chance to air his opinions openly once he got the toehold from another person’s comment. None of us knows you or JM or your children or extended family or your dog in real life. Most of us envy you with gusto and can’t wait to read the next episode of the Kristi show. I, for one, have been amazed at the positive following you have of the most intelligent and refined people on the internet. I NEVER see any unkind remarks and am flabbergasted that so many people love you so much even though we’ve never met you. I love your daily candidness and openness about yourself, your feelings, your life. Even though David said what he said and our first reaction was to defend our Viking Princess, I don’t think he was being mean spirited. Just misguided. Maybe I’m a Pollyanna, but I just don’t think he meant you ill will by his inconsiderate comment. Listen, if you ever need a sitter for ol’ Smokey, all you have to do is give me some notice and I’d be glad to take care of him for you. I come highly recommended by my Vet. I sit her elderly/sick dog too. Chin up, have a safe and happy vacation in the South of France with your gorgeous French husband. Bon Voyage!
Yay!!! Good for you, Kristi. Sometimes the only fitting response to such arrogance is the F-word.
Enjoy your vacation!
Beverly
hehe – shrinks! Sometimes helpful but not this time!
Spot on Peter
Your legions of friends have said it all about this rude and foolish man. Your response was perfect, and under the circumstances beautifully understated. (Grinz)
Lots of guys are in love with Kristin, Dave, including today’s shrink, giving his profession a bad name. Just like lots of gals are in love with the hapless JM. But you have to read between the lines, cupcakes.
After having been bullied and threatened by Kristin’s mother and her coterie for a candid (and entirely fair, since the culprit owned up) 3rd-party-referring post long ago, I formed my own opinions about the family dynamics at play.
Today’s shrink only made two mistakes – don’t give advice where it’s not wanted. And don’t be crude.
Why would anyone read a blog for several years feeling like this?! Ignore him/her/it.
And Virginia, absolutely nailed it!
Kristen, all these folks support you and so do I. As someone who once described your husband to you as “a hunk of burning love,” I also view from afar that he is not always thoughtful or considerate. Having said that, not David nor I nor anyone else who has supported your F word outburst truly knows your marriage. No one can judge from what is seen. Only you two know and as someone who was married for 48 years until cancer took my husband two years ago, Romeo and Juliette existed only in a play. My father was French. I have lived in France and when you marry “outside your tribe,” it ain’t easy.
SARGAN! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE – we have had this conversation before. I wouldn’t doubt that you are actually ‘this David’ that wrote the above note to Kristi in the first place. You gave yourself away to me by your above comment, just like the criminal who has to return to the scene of the crime. Remember I know who you are and where your mother lives. Why don’t you let go of your obsession with Kristi and move on.
MOMMA JULES
That very phrase was running through my mind as I was reading his comments!
Kudos to Kristi and to Peter! Well spoke.
Had to send one other note in support. Bob, Peter, Tom and all the rest…as far down as I read are right on!!!
David must lead a very sad life. And seems he deserves it.
You’re sweet, sensitive, loving, spiritual…..a bit of a wimp….and many more positive things!
Would LOVE to have a J-M myself….and y’all’s life
Gawd! Could go on forever about that pitiful D.
Love and God’s blessing and good fortune to you and your family.
I hope you know how much your blog means to all your fans. Your response was spot-on and it is more than appropriate to defend yourself against psychological abusers like this David.
It always amazes me how people need to analyze others. I say Good for you in your response because this is your blog and if someone doesn’t like it then they shouldn’t subscribe. Remember always that it doesn’t matter what people say, you know what is going on and that is all that matters.
Love the quote Virginia used but another favorite is the old quote: “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Sending big hugs and give Smokey a hug from me, I hope he is doing better.
Kristen, Spot on. I love your honesty about feeling anxious, even when you have so many guests to stay and host-I love your compassion for others and your comments about your family’s lives and doings. I love Smokey even though I’ve never met him, and feel priviledged to have snapshots of a life lived another hemisphere away. Please give him lots of kisses and cuddles, from the ethernet.
Charlotte
BRAVO KIRSTI.
Fucking A. Bonnes vacances.
<3 <3 <3
Chapeau! et bonne vacances.
I have found non of this so-called repressed hostility in these posts..far to the contrary! Don’t let one sour grape spoil the crop!!We value you, your husband, your family and your dogs..and how kind you have been to share your life with us! All of us have bad days..C’est Normal!!
Hugs from your Arizona friend..
Cerelle
Hello Kristen,
I have lovingly followed your blog for several years now. Contrary to your opinion of yourself, I see you as a very courageous woman…a woman with a beautiful spirit, a woman who is unafraid to expose her vulnerabilities, a woman who has the gift of allowing her light to shine through even when she shows her dark side….a woman of substance. It’s a brave woman who can admit to her irrational fears, her dark nights of the soul…
Opening oneself up to blogging is in itself a courageous step. As you have discovered in your email from David for example, some people feel they have the right to judge or label you based on a few words you write a couple of times a week. What right does anyone have to look into another person’s soul and define them according to their standards? Certainly not David!
I empathise with your fears and worries…I also lie awake at night sometimes, fretting over things that invariably sort themselves out….fretting that I am not emotionally safe…I have no idea what tools you use in such situations…and I hope you don’t mind if I share what works for me… I find that turning my worries over to the angels helps enormously…if I am about to take a road trip, as you are, I ask my protection angels to come with me and take care of me and my family. If there is a misunderstanding between my husband and me, I call on my relationship angels to help heal the situation. I find that by doing this, I am surrendering the problem to a higher power and I take myself out of the equation. Then things work a lot more smoothly!
I also use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). I don’t know if you are familiar with it. What it does is help you release negative patterns within. I use Brad Yates tapping videos which are on free on YouTube to release all sorts of fears, worries I have and I find it to be a very powerful tool.
Sending you love and light, Gudrun
Good for you! What a dick. He talks about his profession – what is he, a professional plonker?
Bravo! Your response was very appropriate in my mind. Forget the idiot.
Go have a wonderful and restful vacation.
If anyone “sings off” after reading this blog, they should not have been here in the first place. Perfect response and you go have a wonderful vacation.
Go, Kristi! And block that troll, by the way. Talk about sublimated hostility: Anyone who felt the need to write that sewage is dealing with a load of his own dung. Misogyny, narcissism, and monomania. Who the bloody hell asked him? We all cheer you and love you and are grateful for your honesty, your bravery, and your light.
Bisoux!
If you feel bullied and threatened, go away.
Kristin,
You go girl, you rock! David got what David deserved. We are in your court.
If two people think exactly the same, do the same things and never disagree, what a boring relationship and one that is probably artificial.
Poor Smokey, hope that they can just remove the lump.
Kathleen
Oh, God bless you, Kristin, I had the shudder of recognition with all your anxiety – I have so been there.
You are so brave to put it all out there. Good for the
soul, but you do risk exposure to the nasty Davids of the world. As for the ideal partner for Jean Marc being a woman who likes wine, travel, sun, and the unexpected, I
really doubt that. Our ideal partner is one whose energy
balances & complements us, not our mirror image. Have a really peaceful time & remember that somehow everything always turns out okay.
I have been reading you for years. You are a fine wife. You two are a fine couple. Couples have fights. They are painful at the time but when you end with an embrace…well that’s the happy ending right? How brave you are to share all of this with all of us.
David’s problem is that he does not know the difference between reading words, and understanding meaning. For the love and teamwork in your family are the subtext always. You are a different person to your husband- but you complement each other. There are sparks between you still- good for you both! I hope you have a great holiday. I love how French people take their dogs on holidays also; some that I have seen in France look like quite discriminating tourists.
A final word from Le Grand Jacques ( Brel)
“Mais n’est-ce pas le pire piège, que vivre en paix pour des amants”
I only hope to meet in person one day and congratulate you on knowing yourself and what matters most.
I am going to have disagree with most, although I agree with your sentiment, not appropriate language at all. I am no prude either, just don’t like it. Could find other words to use to make your point.
Everyone has hardships, including cancer, which I am living with and all the other challenges of life, wouldn’t have lost it and responded this way.
Still love you and your blog!
Take it easy and enjoy your vacation.
There’s surely something wrong with this dude, and he’s probably dealing with his own junk – some people thrive on trying to make others just as miserable as they are in their own lives. “Haters gonna hate” and we just have to brush them off like a piece of lint off a sweater. Your response? Awesome. xo P.S. Your tomato tart was delicious, by the way! I served it with a Tibouren.
Good on you!! A excellent word to vent your feelings in response to a person is quite obviously a real jerk…no I’m sorry ‘jerk’ just doesn’t do it – he is an ars***le and a mean twisted weirdo!!
J from New Zealand
A lion/lioness never concerns himself/herself with the opinions of a sheep. Then again, sometimes a sheep needs to be put in his/her place….
Good on you cuz! =)
xo,
EL
Shame on this David…. You do not deserve this kind of trash talk… So sorry you had to read those hurtful words. Blessings on you and your family and thank you for sharing your life with us!
Bravo Kristen. Over the years I have loved your honest sharing of your family’s daily life. The ups and downs,hopes and fears. And the wonderful images to accompany each story. Anyone in a committed relationship knows the truth you share.
As an alcoholic I am encouraged by your example that I could manage to return to Provence without drinking the wine.
Thank you and Jean Marc and your kids for sharing your lives with us.
Not surprisingly, this unwarranted and insulting verbal assault by “David” really touched a nerve. Kristin and JM’s life , as so beautifully and honestly painted in words and pictures, is more real and loving than most of us could ever dare to publicly portray. In order for writing to be interesting, for me, it must at least be brutally honest–much easier said than done. Well done, Kristin! Yours is the first email I turn to each day and will continue to do so. Sincerely, an avid reader and fellow dog lover, Jessie Kingston