Where is the mind located and do our thoughts really have substance–as scientists have observed? They say our thoughts can control our pain levels and more. I believe this, having used mind over matter while receiving several shots during skin cancer removal. Now if I could only train other parts of my brain–especially the emotional parts. Note: the fur, above, is fake. I'm wearing my daughter's vest.
la pensée (pahn-say)
: thought
perdu dans ses pensées = lost in thought
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE
by Kristin Espinasse
A Beautiful Mind
In an ancient outdoor amphitheatre, while watching Lillywood and the $@#&! bring down the house, I stood up, kissed our friends goodbye, and stormed out of the concert.
Making my way through the maze of Arles, trying to find our car, I looked over my shoulder again and again to see Jean-Marc lagging behind me. "Why don't you catch up!" I snapped.
(Before being labelled the castrating wife, let me share this: I'm currently working on a monumental task… the outstanding effort of retraining of a brain (my own). And what you witnessed in paragraphs one and two, was yet another discouraging backslip! )
It is disheartening to lose ground on the path of self-improvement. But it gives me hope to know that a positive rewiring of the cerveau is not as impossible as it seems. By taking every thought captive, we can begin the task of replacing our negative thoughts with positive ones–and so forge a new path of positivity.
My goal is to be more flexible. To go with the flow. To be easygoing. To say "No bother. Things change! AND CHANGE IS GOOD!"
But it's a one-step forward deux en arrier process–this thought replacement business. Step one is to examine my troubled thinking: what frustrated me last night–what had me steaming out of Arles, my husband in my wake, was something I'll call "The Let Down Factor"–my body was reeling with it!
The Let Down Factor has to do with suffering. In a nutshell it's this: you are voluntarily engaged in an uncomfortable chore, one that has a start time and an end time. For this reason, you agree to suffer the task–knowing it is pleasing (and or helpful) to someone else, though painful to you. You can struggle through the task because you can "see the light at the end of the tunnel" and, so seeing, you set your heart and your mind on the bright light–while ignoring the inconvenience. Like this you can confidently suffer the moment knowing how long that moment will last.
The Let Down Factor occurs when the light at the end of the tunnel fades to darkness. This happens when the "stop time" is renegotiated (the "moment" is stretched) by a second party, causing you to lose sight of the destination (or "Pain's End"). Here is a classic example:
Harvest Time. The Let Down Factor is a given when you agree to help a friend or family member with the grueling task of grape-picking. You begin naively enough setting your mind to the task, ignoring the sweaty droplets running down your face and the sticky scratchy weeds scraping your skin. You hold your bladder, knowing at break time you'll be back at the farmhouse with its private throne.
"We'll break at the end of this row," the winemaker says.
"Yes!" your brain responds, beginning the let down process: letting down its guard, letting the dulled senses awaken (you now feel the scratchy weeds, the annoying sweaty droplets–and that nagging need for which you'll soon find relief! You don't mind the pain because break time is coming up, as promised!)
…And then La Grosse Deception. The Big Disappointment.
"We're so close…" the winemaker says, changing his mind (and your destiny). "We may as well finish these last two rows!"
Amazed, you look up at the never-ending vine horizon, the scratchy weeds circle around your knees, and the sweat slips into your eyes, stinging them. And you can't hold it anymore! Panic sets in. Your mind paints a bleak, humiliating conclusion to this story. Whereas a moment ago you were numb to the environment, suddenly all your senses are alive and kicking–ready to get the heck out of the Godforsaken grapefield. Alas, it's not gonna happen!
Enter The Let Down Factor, or Extreme Disappointment
Had you known the true "stop time" (end of task or effort) you would have remained in your "buffered zone", keeping your pain under the hood of your physical engine. Instead, you let down your guard and in rushed the sensory torture.
So how does all this tie in to a wonderful concert in an ancient ampitheatre in Arles?
Faulty baffles, for one. The speakers pounded across the outdoor arena, up the thick stone slabs on which we were seated, and into our chest cavities!
"I don't like it when I can feel it booming in my poitrine!" my friend Emilie remarked.
She was right. It felt as though every organ in my body was bathed in the liquid pounding vibration.
I looked over to Jean-Marc, who had his hands over his ears (this somewhat reassured me. I wasn't a wuss after all–the music really was too loud!)
"C'est saturé," another friend complained of the sound. "Oui," Jean-Marc agreed, getting up twice to have a word with the technical crew, but the ear- and organ-busting beat continued. Unwilling to let it spoil his evening, my husband searched for a solution. Leaving his seat near the speakers, he disappeared….
But not before our friends began talking of leaving a little earlier than planned. Such a reasonable idea of theirs, I thought, to wait for the last band, and then enjoy a few songs before leaving. The thought perked me right up, knowing we, too, could soon be leaving. My motivation was renewed with the fixed destination in my mind. (I could almost feel myself crawling under the cozy covers back home–my ears filled with soft cricket sound and not this horrible pounding!)
What a good idea! I thought, beginning to set my hopes on the near future. "Do you mind if we leave a little early too?" I asked Jean-Marc.
Jean-Marc didn't mind, and I was thankful for the sacrifice he made. Only, come to think of it, he hadn't made it yet. In fact, where had he just skipped off to?
Surely he'd be back, as promised, after the 2 or 3 song limit. He'd promised. But when the second song finished…and the third… my thoughts began to reel and that Let Down Factor began wreaking havoc on my mind:
You're going to arrive home at three in the morning. Have the dogs been fed? You've got to get up early. You won't be able to work with a late-to-bed hangover!
My thoughts were interrupted when my friend Isabelle reached over to kiss me. "See you later! We're leaving." All three songs were up, the others were following through with the plan–that same plan I had set in my own heart in order to endure. But now those speakers and the late night was getting to me. The light at the end of the tunnel had been dimmed. When would we be leaving now? The unknowing made the moment hard to bear.
Looking around, I noticed everyone else was relaxed and having a good time. Why couldn't I be the same? Maybe all that beer they were serving helped dull the audiences' senses–while waking their energy. Maybe after ten years, now was a good time for a drink?
My frustration began to grow and grow.Ce malin! That sneaky one! Jean-Marc had approached the stage where the sound was equalized. That meant we wouldn't be leaving after "two or three" songs!
And yet, after the fourth song Jean-Marc reappeared–but by then I was standing up with my bag under my arm. I kissed those friends that were staying for the end of the concert, and motioned to my husband that we were on our way out!
"No, it wasn't the one or two extra songs that bothered me," I argued, trying to find where our car was parked. "It's that I was set on leaving at the promised time. Not knowing where you were or when you'd return was extremely frustrating. We might have stayed all night!"
Adding to my annoyance was my husband's gentle swaying. He'd enjoyed a few drinks over the course of the night and his relaxation was at odds with my frayed nerves.
It hit me then. I didn't have to go on suffering that way. I could change my thoughts and in changing my thinking I could be at peace.
"I feel bad you didn't get to see the whole concert," I admitted. (Stumbling through Arles, I was now following Jean-Marc, who, tipsy, could find our way 1000s times better than his sober wife, who was lost again and again.)
"Don't worry about it. It all turned out well." My husband's words were soft.
"I'm just not a night person," I explained. "And I don't like it when plans change." Listening to myself talk, I heard the familiar self-limiting beliefs. But it wasn't too late to change… I could alter my thinking and expand my limits. I could once and for all enjoy the moment–or at least allow someone else too!
"It was such a chance to be there tonight, in an ancient outdoor theater. I'm glad we got to hear the last band." Seated in the car now, I reached over to touch my husband's leg and continued the positive affirmations:
"Thanks for such a beautiful evening…." I whispered, and on saying it, I began to feel the gratitude that was first born in my mind. Thoughts really do manifest.
***
Comments and post note: I continue to retrain my brain after a lifetime of limiting thoughts. I hope to talk more about the subject of rebuilding the brain or neuroplasticity. Let me know your thoughts, here in the comments box. Can you relate to the "Let Down Factor"?
French Vocabulary
le cerveau = brain
deux en arrière = two back
le baffle = speakers
la poitrine = chest
Last night's concert in Arles. Thank you, Pierre Casanova, for this photo I stole from your Facebook page. And thanks for a great evening with friends, beginning at Ariane's Natural Wine bar and ending at an ancient Roman theater.
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Thanks, Kristin, and Jules, for encouraging us all, through your writing, to engage in the art of critical thinking; Cynthia said it well. Yet, so did Maryann. Attitude is everything, but so is the right to have our own opinions …. and take care of ourselves first (sometimes by removing ourselves from emotional or physically taxing situations) in order to take care of, and appreciate, others. Yes, it is a lifetime journey, and some days we navigate better than others. A favorite quote of mine “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn. Here, though, I think I, too, might have thought it best to get out of the water.
Thanks, Kristin, and Jules, for encouraging us all, through your writing, to engage in the art of critical thinking; Cynthia said it well. Yet, so did Maryann. Attitude is everything, but so is the right to have our own opinions …. and take care of ourselves first (sometimes by removing ourselves from emotional or physically taxing situations) in order to take care of, and appreciate, others. Yes, it is a lifetime journey, and some days we navigate better than others. A favorite quote of mine “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn. Here, though, I think I, too, might have thought it best to get out of the water.
Bon jour, Kristin. I so enjoyed your post, comme toujours. I too struggle with une attitude negatif! Bonne chance with your efforts to retrain your thinking. 🙂
http://marilyndujour.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/an-anxious-mind/
Marilyn, Orlando
Bon jour, Kristin. I so enjoyed your post, comme toujours. I too struggle with une attitude negatif! Bonne chance with your efforts to retrain your thinking. 🙂
http://marilyndujour.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/an-anxious-mind/
Marilyn, Orlando
merci Kristi! Good to know that I am not alone in these feelings as my day is scheduled and I often find myself hanging on for the promised time. I occupy my mind and senses to distract the tenseness.
bises
merci Kristi! Good to know that I am not alone in these feelings as my day is scheduled and I often find myself hanging on for the promised time. I occupy my mind and senses to distract the tenseness.
bises
Gwyn, thanks for the laughter. I was still snorting from your comment as I dialed Mom. We then shared all the thoughtful comments here. It is such a pleasure to read and receive your thoughts. Thank you all!
Gwyn, thanks for the laughter. I was still snorting from your comment as I dialed Mom. We then shared all the thoughtful comments here. It is such a pleasure to read and receive your thoughts. Thank you all!
First, listen to your mother. Second, it isn’t about the concert, but everyday life and after reading your thoughts for 6 years it just pops up now and then and that’s ok. Third, some change is good otherwise we become a dinasaur and we all know what happend to them….extinct! And last it really takes so mouch more energy to become “uptight” about things that to “go with the flow”. Although, I think in the grape picking I would have gone over a few rows and personally watered JM’s grapes. Then come back and just give him a big smile.
First, listen to your mother. Second, it isn’t about the concert, but everyday life and after reading your thoughts for 6 years it just pops up now and then and that’s ok. Third, some change is good otherwise we become a dinasaur and we all know what happend to them….extinct! And last it really takes so mouch more energy to become “uptight” about things that to “go with the flow”. Although, I think in the grape picking I would have gone over a few rows and personally watered JM’s grapes. Then come back and just give him a big smile.
Dear Kristi, Your experience, or better yet, your reaction to the experience so could have been me.
I suffered a frontal lobe brain injury (to both lobes) 5 years ago and while things are working to rewire, there are things that I still don’t do well…a rash change in plans is one and unpleasant surprises is the other…o I dearly empathize with you.
When faced with these experiences, I recognize the reaction by the tightness in my chest. I try to change my physical state by deep breathing to relax my body and often find the breathing helps to shake-out some of the thoughts or at least rearrange them and put them into better perspective.
For so long after my accident my reactions were so unsettling. I had a nerf ball that I threw across the room in frustration. I am happy to say it only sits on my desk as a reminder of days gone by.
Dear Kristi, Your experience, or better yet, your reaction to the experience so could have been me.
I suffered a frontal lobe brain injury (to both lobes) 5 years ago and while things are working to rewire, there are things that I still don’t do well…a rash change in plans is one and unpleasant surprises is the other…o I dearly empathize with you.
When faced with these experiences, I recognize the reaction by the tightness in my chest. I try to change my physical state by deep breathing to relax my body and often find the breathing helps to shake-out some of the thoughts or at least rearrange them and put them into better perspective.
For so long after my accident my reactions were so unsettling. I had a nerf ball that I threw across the room in frustration. I am happy to say it only sits on my desk as a reminder of days gone by.
I’m happy “after ten years ..” didn’t turn into “Ten Years After”. Your strength & talent just keep growing, Kristin. You are a fantastic gift to us all. Aloha
I’m happy “after ten years ..” didn’t turn into “Ten Years After”. Your strength & talent just keep growing, Kristin. You are a fantastic gift to us all. Aloha
Your photo is excellent, Kristin, and I failed to mention what I noticed earlier. Your scar is not a scar, but a purposefully placed “I” .. reserved only for those with extraordinary “Intelligence”… and its’ placement also qualifies it to be a “Third Eye” .. which elevates you to even higher status! Aloha, Bill
Your photo is excellent, Kristin, and I failed to mention what I noticed earlier. Your scar is not a scar, but a purposefully placed “I” .. reserved only for those with extraordinary “Intelligence”… and its’ placement also qualifies it to be a “Third Eye” .. which elevates you to even higher status! Aloha, Bill
I haven’t written you in a while, Kristin, but I just had to respond to this one. I adore the way you dissected the evening and your responses to it. Bravo!
I haven’t written you in a while, Kristin, but I just had to respond to this one. I adore the way you dissected the evening and your responses to it. Bravo!
Kristin dear…
I’m not so sure your “disappointment” was due only to the concert. Perhaps it’s
the surgery, the husband, the marriage,
the rigors of recovery, putting yourself last or maybe just life. Hmmm…
We all have setbacks.Breathe.Return to your
center and your voice. xo
Kristin dear…
I’m not so sure your “disappointment” was due only to the concert. Perhaps it’s
the surgery, the husband, the marriage,
the rigors of recovery, putting yourself last or maybe just life. Hmmm…
We all have setbacks.Breathe.Return to your
center and your voice. xo
“I don’t have to go on suffering this way. I can change my thoughts and in changing my thinking I can be at peace”.
I wrote down those two sentences after reading your essay today. I plan to look at them every day.
Thanks for helping me on my newly inspired attempt to have a positive attitude.
“I don’t have to go on suffering this way. I can change my thoughts and in changing my thinking I can be at peace”.
I wrote down those two sentences after reading your essay today. I plan to look at them every day.
Thanks for helping me on my newly inspired attempt to have a positive attitude.
I liked your focus on the essential moment – you were going home, leaving as you had wanted before the concert ended, so the issue was over but you were still angry, and you mastered that anger, stopped it from taking over and turned your attention to the moment — going home with your husband after a night out with friends, a good moment overall. Very impressive.
You made the agreement to leave early, and did leave early, a wise move. You stated clearly that your husband did not hold up his end of the deal, as it needed to be said.
Well told story, well done harnessing of the energy from anger into energy for a sweet moment.
I liked your focus on the essential moment – you were going home, leaving as you had wanted before the concert ended, so the issue was over but you were still angry, and you mastered that anger, stopped it from taking over and turned your attention to the moment — going home with your husband after a night out with friends, a good moment overall. Very impressive.
You made the agreement to leave early, and did leave early, a wise move. You stated clearly that your husband did not hold up his end of the deal, as it needed to be said.
Well told story, well done harnessing of the energy from anger into energy for a sweet moment.
After reading your story, I felt I was reading about myself…hahaha I’m so happy I’m not the only one that has moments like these. hahaha Thanks so much for sharing your story!! Hugs!!
After reading your story, I felt I was reading about myself…hahaha I’m so happy I’m not the only one that has moments like these. hahaha Thanks so much for sharing your story!! Hugs!!
Thank you, dear friend, for in your sharing you offer insight into my own thoughts, and in situations such as the concert, my ensuing behavior. I can relate to this story (I seem to say this a lot!) and the “let down factor”. Next time, I hope to be aware of how I react when plans change and others aren’t on the same page as me.
I heard recently that an emotion only lasts for a very brief period. It is the story we create, the way our minds run away with the idea of being wronged, that creates our suffering. We, and our loved ones, have much to gain if we can reframe and come from a place of love and compassion.
I will also take a page from Jules’ book, for her wise suggestion would greatly add to my comfort in social settings. To embrace our needs and take care of ourselves is a positive step in a beautiful direction. Jules, I just loved the visual “a concert of leaves falling upon our hats as we wander through the peaceful passages of a new memory”. Just Lovely!
Thank you, dear friend, for in your sharing you offer insight into my own thoughts, and in situations such as the concert, my ensuing behavior. I can relate to this story (I seem to say this a lot!) and the “let down factor”. Next time, I hope to be aware of how I react when plans change and others aren’t on the same page as me.
I heard recently that an emotion only lasts for a very brief period. It is the story we create, the way our minds run away with the idea of being wronged, that creates our suffering. We, and our loved ones, have much to gain if we can reframe and come from a place of love and compassion.
I will also take a page from Jules’ book, for her wise suggestion would greatly add to my comfort in social settings. To embrace our needs and take care of ourselves is a positive step in a beautiful direction. Jules, I just loved the visual “a concert of leaves falling upon our hats as we wander through the peaceful passages of a new memory”. Just Lovely!
Thank you for posting this and including the link to 10 years ago. Your writing gets to me in all the right places, and that includes some of the sore ones. So maybe skip another couple years before you revisit the memoir, or keep at it as you see fit. Thanks again, and best wishes from Missouri.
Thank you for posting this and including the link to 10 years ago. Your writing gets to me in all the right places, and that includes some of the sore ones. So maybe skip another couple years before you revisit the memoir, or keep at it as you see fit. Thanks again, and best wishes from Missouri.
Dear Kristi,
Thank you for sharing, and thank you for this comment box, so that I may share, too!
Your reflections remind me of my own visit to Arles, three years ago. My husband, two sons, and I decided to see a bull fight, as we were told that the matadors no longer kill the animals, and that the “fight” is merely for show.
We seated ourselves on the stone steps of the arena and watched the parade of dignitaries, the prancing of the horses, and the introduction of the beautifully costumed matadors.
When the first bull came out I was surprised at how young and small he was. He obviously had no idea why he was there or what was expected of him, and tried to get back in the pen. As that was impossible, he stood still, his tail swatting flies, until the matador provoked him enough. He lazily charged the red cape a few times. Eventually the matador pulled out the smaller spears and jabbed them into the bull’s back. The bull started to bleed, and I started to worry.
I was horrified when the matador pulled out a much bigger sword and, with great ceremony, stabbed the sword into the bull between his shoulders. The sword exited the bull’s rib cage. He fell, tried to get up, fell again, and then rested, slowly bleeding to death. Horses came and dragged his body away.
I thought I was going to be sick, and I could not stop crying. I told my husband that I understood if he and the boys wanted to stay, but I could not. We made plans to meet an hour later at the main entrance.
I spent the next hour wandering the small lanes and alleyways around the arena, taking photos of the shutters, doors, and windows of this colorful place. I tried to channel my heightened emotional state into those photographs, and later that year they were featured in a gallery here in Chicago.
There is no way that I would have been able to change my thoughts to more positive ones in that arena. I am all for the positive thinking that you’ve described above, but think that it applies mostly to those negative thoughts that swirl around us like flies, annoying and pesky and interfering with our productivity, but ultimately manageable. Self-doubt, procrastination, doing less than we are capable of – all of that can benefit from changing our thoughts.
But those bigger negative thoughts – emotional distress, pain, safety, trust… those require action. It is not on you to turn your husband’s actions, which negatively impacted you, into something that is OK. It was not OK. You were jumping out of your skin in discomfort, waiting to escape the noise, ready for the comfort of home, and he was nowhere to be found. He is human – we all do things like this from time to time. Had I been your husband, I would not have been surprised to return to your seats and find out that you had left and would meet him at a certain place. He took care of his desires, you were entitled to act on yours.
That, I believe, would have been the truest way to do something positive with a very negative situation.
Dear Kristi,
Thank you for sharing, and thank you for this comment box, so that I may share, too!
Your reflections remind me of my own visit to Arles, three years ago. My husband, two sons, and I decided to see a bull fight, as we were told that the matadors no longer kill the animals, and that the “fight” is merely for show.
We seated ourselves on the stone steps of the arena and watched the parade of dignitaries, the prancing of the horses, and the introduction of the beautifully costumed matadors.
When the first bull came out I was surprised at how young and small he was. He obviously had no idea why he was there or what was expected of him, and tried to get back in the pen. As that was impossible, he stood still, his tail swatting flies, until the matador provoked him enough. He lazily charged the red cape a few times. Eventually the matador pulled out the smaller spears and jabbed them into the bull’s back. The bull started to bleed, and I started to worry.
I was horrified when the matador pulled out a much bigger sword and, with great ceremony, stabbed the sword into the bull between his shoulders. The sword exited the bull’s rib cage. He fell, tried to get up, fell again, and then rested, slowly bleeding to death. Horses came and dragged his body away.
I thought I was going to be sick, and I could not stop crying. I told my husband that I understood if he and the boys wanted to stay, but I could not. We made plans to meet an hour later at the main entrance.
I spent the next hour wandering the small lanes and alleyways around the arena, taking photos of the shutters, doors, and windows of this colorful place. I tried to channel my heightened emotional state into those photographs, and later that year they were featured in a gallery here in Chicago.
There is no way that I would have been able to change my thoughts to more positive ones in that arena. I am all for the positive thinking that you’ve described above, but think that it applies mostly to those negative thoughts that swirl around us like flies, annoying and pesky and interfering with our productivity, but ultimately manageable. Self-doubt, procrastination, doing less than we are capable of – all of that can benefit from changing our thoughts.
But those bigger negative thoughts – emotional distress, pain, safety, trust… those require action. It is not on you to turn your husband’s actions, which negatively impacted you, into something that is OK. It was not OK. You were jumping out of your skin in discomfort, waiting to escape the noise, ready for the comfort of home, and he was nowhere to be found. He is human – we all do things like this from time to time. Had I been your husband, I would not have been surprised to return to your seats and find out that you had left and would meet him at a certain place. He took care of his desires, you were entitled to act on yours.
That, I believe, would have been the truest way to do something positive with a very negative situation.
In a parallel situation, several friends of mine have commented of Facebook recently about how extroverts do not understand introverts and expect them to just fake it. While there are times and places when it is important to do so (where leaving would hurt feeling and possibly cause a personal rift), a concert is not one of these. You made an effort, fine. Enough. JM was not as bothered,but neither was it a major sacrifice for him to leave a little early. It’s what we call compromise, and it is part of how civilized society works.
In a parallel situation, several friends of mine have commented of Facebook recently about how extroverts do not understand introverts and expect them to just fake it. While there are times and places when it is important to do so (where leaving would hurt feeling and possibly cause a personal rift), a concert is not one of these. You made an effort, fine. Enough. JM was not as bothered,but neither was it a major sacrifice for him to leave a little early. It’s what we call compromise, and it is part of how civilized society works.
I am with Maxine and Maryann from New York on this one. Your true pain, the one from the heart, came from having been abandoned by J-M, who did not do what he said he would do, leaving you stranded in a very uncomfortable situation. Voicing your feelings to him was important. He should know he has been, however unwittingly, selfish. Never cover for another’s mistakes. It makes for co-dependent relationships, and we all know where that is headed.
With respect to changing your typical thought patterns/resulting actions, it seems you did make that choice to basically “let it go” and not carry a grudge on into the evening or next day. ( But that didn’t make it turn into a wonderful evening.) Having done that, J-M and you are in a position to discuss it, look towards ways of reconciling situations, and putting into place thoughtful plans of action in the future. One of which is to flippin DO what you say you are going to do, no exceptions. Unfortunately a key part of this is the alcohol. Sober, he may certainly have acted differently.
The final factor is: He is your, and you are his, b e l o v e d. This much we know is true. This underpinning will provide great energy for future happiness. We love you both dearly. Toujours.
I am with Maxine and Maryann from New York on this one. Your true pain, the one from the heart, came from having been abandoned by J-M, who did not do what he said he would do, leaving you stranded in a very uncomfortable situation. Voicing your feelings to him was important. He should know he has been, however unwittingly, selfish. Never cover for another’s mistakes. It makes for co-dependent relationships, and we all know where that is headed.
With respect to changing your typical thought patterns/resulting actions, it seems you did make that choice to basically “let it go” and not carry a grudge on into the evening or next day. ( But that didn’t make it turn into a wonderful evening.) Having done that, J-M and you are in a position to discuss it, look towards ways of reconciling situations, and putting into place thoughtful plans of action in the future. One of which is to flippin DO what you say you are going to do, no exceptions. Unfortunately a key part of this is the alcohol. Sober, he may certainly have acted differently.
The final factor is: He is your, and you are his, b e l o v e d. This much we know is true. This underpinning will provide great energy for future happiness. We love you both dearly. Toujours.
Speakers too loud at a concert are dreadful, distracting and disasterous so I cna’t blame you for getting upset. It’s no fun to have music ruined by painful eardrums. I’ve been in the theater in Arles but not for a concert –it is so beautiful there.
Speakers too loud at a concert are dreadful, distracting and disasterous so I cna’t blame you for getting upset. It’s no fun to have music ruined by painful eardrums. I’ve been in the theater in Arles but not for a concert –it is so beautiful there.
Our thoughts are really what make us crazy. That is the monkey mind. If we can relax with the way things are, our thoughts will follow.
xoxo
Our thoughts are really what make us crazy. That is the monkey mind. If we can relax with the way things are, our thoughts will follow.
xoxo
For what it’s worth, I agree completely with Maria D’s comments above. I also appreciate Pat Cargilll’s bringing up the importance of discussing this with your husband, toward each understanding how the other felt and “putting into place thoughtful plans of action” for the future. How to think and act in a positive, constructive way while respecting your authentic self is a very complex, ambiguous challenge, one rarely, if ever, amenable to a black-and-white answer. I, for one, will struggle to meet it every day for the rest of my life. Best wishes, Kristi.
For what it’s worth, I agree completely with Maria D’s comments above. I also appreciate Pat Cargilll’s bringing up the importance of discussing this with your husband, toward each understanding how the other felt and “putting into place thoughtful plans of action” for the future. How to think and act in a positive, constructive way while respecting your authentic self is a very complex, ambiguous challenge, one rarely, if ever, amenable to a black-and-white answer. I, for one, will struggle to meet it every day for the rest of my life. Best wishes, Kristi.
Normally I read what folks write before making comments of my own. Sorry if the following is a duplication, but it’s almost midnight, so this time I’ll write before reading.
I struggle not to complain, especially without a good reason, or to be negative. It seems to come so naturally. What I’ve tried to do is to come up with something positive to offset negative thoughts. One can complain, say, about rain, but rain waters plants, cools the heat, etc. If we look we can usually find redeeming features in many things. I’ve found that trying to be at least a little “pro” things and not 100% “anti” takes effort, but puts one in a better frame of mind. I guess one could call that retraining one’s brain.
Normally I read what folks write before making comments of my own. Sorry if the following is a duplication, but it’s almost midnight, so this time I’ll write before reading.
I struggle not to complain, especially without a good reason, or to be negative. It seems to come so naturally. What I’ve tried to do is to come up with something positive to offset negative thoughts. One can complain, say, about rain, but rain waters plants, cools the heat, etc. If we look we can usually find redeeming features in many things. I’ve found that trying to be at least a little “pro” things and not 100% “anti” takes effort, but puts one in a better frame of mind. I guess one could call that retraining one’s brain.
Yes, we can change our thought patterns and bring light to the darkness–not easy, but completely possible and do-able. I’m very much still in process.
Mary
Yes, we can change our thought patterns and bring light to the darkness–not easy, but completely possible and do-able. I’m very much still in process.
Mary
It takes courage not to apologize automatically when that will appease the situation, when we know we haven’t done anything wrong.
It takes courage not to apologize automatically when that will appease the situation, when we know we haven’t done anything wrong.
Kristin, I was on a first date with a new beau about 25 years ago. We went to a club where the music was sooooo loud, it was really hurting my ears and as you mentioned, I felt the pounding through my whole body. I didn’t want to look like a nerd, but I finally couldn’t handle it and asked to leave. We did. I think we were there less than an hour. But . . . my ears have NEVER stopped ringing. The first few nights were the worst, the ringing was so loud I couldn’t sleep. But, I have never, ever experienced complete silence since nor do I ever expect to again at this point. How I miss silence and I just wish I had asked to leave earlier before my hearing was compromised like this for the rest of my life.
Kristin, I was on a first date with a new beau about 25 years ago. We went to a club where the music was sooooo loud, it was really hurting my ears and as you mentioned, I felt the pounding through my whole body. I didn’t want to look like a nerd, but I finally couldn’t handle it and asked to leave. We did. I think we were there less than an hour. But . . . my ears have NEVER stopped ringing. The first few nights were the worst, the ringing was so loud I couldn’t sleep. But, I have never, ever experienced complete silence since nor do I ever expect to again at this point. How I miss silence and I just wish I had asked to leave earlier before my hearing was compromised like this for the rest of my life.