"A step closer to Italy," in today's photo, and increasingly off track in today's story. Read on.
une larme (larm)
: teardrop
Audio file: The captain of this ship's away, so your stuck with my sound recording today… Download MP3 or Wav file
D'ou viens ces larmes? Where do these tears come from?
A Day in a French Life… by Kristin Espinasse
There was once a time when I would wake up and know precisely where to go and what to do: go to your desk and write. For ten years a regular edition, a deadline, and an interactive readership structured my day. My job was to watch life unfold and then try to report back about it, with crossed t's and dotted i's and many experimental flourishes in between.
But for the past few months much of life's unfolding has slipped by, unreported, after I received a friendly gag order from my husband. I understand the need to keep quiet about a certain changement in our life, but this particular restriction has thrown me off course.
Increasingly weak-willed, I have begun to lose my sense of direction—along with the motivation to get back on course. Worse, there is a growing temptation to flounder. Lately, in between productive spurts, all I want to do is watch YouTube gardening videos and vegetate. Permaculture and permarest. Voilà, c'est tout!
This morning I woke up and wondered, What if I stay in bed all day? and so I looked over at my husband, who was reading the news and sipping the tea I'd brought him previously, and I said…
"Et si je restais au lit?"
"Of course, Chérie, stay in bed all day," Jean-Marc replied.
I thanked him for his blessing. Next, I got up, showered, and dressed. Sometimes all a wayward soul wants, more than a resting place, is the hope of a resting place.
I eventually found my way over to the computer, in time to set down these words. I can't place the tears, though.
***
And a question for you… From 2002-2005 this journal went out daily; in 2006 it became a "thrice-weekly" edition. Some say once-per-week would suffice. What do you think? Would you like to receive these updates once, twice, or "thrice-weekly"? Thanks for your feedback here, in the comments box.
French Vocabulary
un changement = a change
voilà, c'est tout = there, that's all
et si je restais au lit? = and what if I stayed in bed (all day)?
chérie (cheri) = dear
Down memory lane: me and Jackie in 2005. Jackie (now 14) and Max (17) get their braces off tomorrow!
Jackie, 7 years later. Smokey says : I'm putty beneath your arms!
Jackie, walking away. Smokey, "What, no more putty? How about my washer-dryer impersonation? Wait! COME BACK, my Princess!"
Changing subjects, I had the chance to visit George Sand's jardin in Nohant (in the Indre department of France). I even swiped a few seeds, collecting them ever-so-gently, hopefully unnoticeably. This yellow flower is the "achilles" flower.
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Great pics of you and Jackie. They grow up so fast. The kids are gone and the grandkids are here now. Enjoy while you can.
The combination of your stories, reflections, and pictures expands our world. I have little idea why I am interested in your life, but you present it well. I do not speak a word of French beyond a common phrase here and there but do look forward to your missives and would be saddened to see them come only once per week.
Hi Kristin,
So many have written beautiful, kind words here and I almost decided not to post anything else. I think everyone has expressed beautifully the impact of your blog on our lives in such a positive way. I think you need to listen to what your heart is telling you. Maybe rest and a break is needed to rejuvenate. Your readers will be here for you when you return. Sometimes these periods of melancholy we all experience help us to refocus and rejuvenate and decide which direction to take next. I think the change that is coming is big for you and not being able to express yourself freely has thrown you off course. I will be here no matter what, no matter how many times you decide to write per week and will be more appreciative of all the thoughtfulness you put into your writing and photos.
Many blessings, hugs, and love to you and your family!
Julie
Dear Kristi,
I am a devoted thrice weekly reader who can’t wait for the next posting. But you have to do what’s best for you and know that we are all pulling for you and votre famille. Change can be very difficult but remember that Christ is the same – today, tomorrow and forever – and our prayers are with you. Amicalement, chere Kristi.
it’s very simple….all I wanted to say was….what lovely photos…. 🙂
PS! all being well, we are likely to come and see you beg October, when we are next in la belle Provence…. 🙂
Hello Kristin, I am one of your newer followers, and I enjoy the friendship you extend to all your readers. I am from Ontario, Canada and will be making my first trip to Provence next spring with my husband and his five sisters and a brother. That is what drew me to your site, and wanting a glimpse of life in France. But what keeps me coming back is your friendliness and openness. I understand your husband’s request to wait about a certain bit if information, and respect your privacy, as all friends do for each other. But, meanwhile, I feel your tears and say a prayer for your family. I think the structure of your writing is important to you.
Kristin,
It almost sounds like someone might be leaving the nest…is so, be proud!! You have done your work, and well.
“it was a beautiful day, and his mind…drifted…”
Cheers from Cambridge
These comments from your many friends are so articulate and beautiful that I don’t know what else to add, except it’s clear we all want what is best for you. I could read & enjoy your blog every day but will be happy with whatever you can write until you feel better…you’re obviously going through a “rough patch” right now and we’ve all been there. BTW, yours is the only blog I’ve read every single day since its first publication. “Thrice daily” is a lot of pressure and we just want you to be happy, relaxed and contented and enjoy your loving family, your friends, and of course those adorable chiens!
Things WILL get better.
Love,
Kitty in Seattle
Dear Kristin,
Once a week is fine with me. If all you could do were once a month, that would also be fine. I look forward to reading whatever you have to write whenever you write it. I have learned so much and shared so much of your life –both laughter and tears — through your blog.
It was because of you that my childhood friend, Julie, and I were reunited after 50+ years, so I am grateful in ways that words cannot express.
Selfishly I would love to see a daily blog but you must do what fits with your needs and desires.
Hi Kristin,
Sounds as if you need a break. Take it! Life is to be enjoyed. Feelings like this come up to help us make a needed shift. Pay attention. I love your blog, but once a week would be fine. Take care.
Kathy
I’ve only just begun receiving your posts, for perhaps a month–three times weekly. So, of course, that seems perfect to me. I only regret not having been on the list to receive and enjoy for much longer. But even once a week would be a treat to receive this look into your life in France. So genuine and interesting.
Dear Kritin,
Greetings! I am relatively new to your blog after I found out about you on a Tauck Tour this past May from one of the tour guides, Veronique.
I have been enjoying every one of your posts and look forward each day to taking a peaceful moment while I read your musings. They lighten and brighten my days in so many ways! And tears are all part of the journey as well.
Hopefully, you will continue as often as possible, perhaps varying the number from week to week. However, the more posts, the better!
Many thanks for sharing your life in France, Georgia
I am touched with how many people have responded to this message. I don’t have anything new to say, but have some hugs from Seattle!
Dear Kristi, Change is so difficult even when it is good change and we choose it, but no matter it throws us off course and shakes us to our core. A new chapter, a new adventure -whatever it is, your balance will return. In the meantime take the time you need and do what you need to do. We will always understand.
Dear Kristin,
I did not realize how much you and your family, by way of your blog, meant to me until I went to France this year and arranged to meet with you. It was like going to meet a long lost cousin. As with the other replies, I look forward to your thrice weekly posts because it is like opening a window and there you and your family are revealed.
Today’s post seems to portend a major decision and the sadness it brings.
You have given us years of wonderful writing, and I know nothing is forever. Whatever you can share would be wonderful.
I am grateful for your gift.
Dear Kristin,
Please just do what is right for you and for your family. We are off to Provence in 11 days, and had hoped to visit Domaine Rouge-Bleu, but will probably just do a drive-by, hoping to watch the vendange.
Hi Kristin, I want to echo Vicki’s message. Now is the time to honor yourself and that is what your very intelligent body is telling you. Change and life’s disruptions, in the moment before they happen, are threatening, but it is change that brings growth and life into our lives. It seems as if your are grieving–sewing the seeds for newness. xoxox
Mary
Dear Kristin,
As much as we all enjoy your thrice weekly blog, I am sure you would not lose a single reader if you switched to once a week. Don’t stop altogether, however, as the blog is an important connection and good marketing tool. In the category of “do as I say, not as I do,” I would also counsel that you still sit down and write every day! Write things that you will never publish if you wish, but that your family will cherish years from now – perhaps about feelings and ideas that are too private for public consumption. And then please do take a stab at writing some fiction. How lovely it would be to see your name on a collection of short stories or a novel! I have been rooting for you to do this for years, since you first wrote a story with such emotion about an old beggar. Like the great writers of old, you have a remarkable ability to get inside the skin of old and young, beautiful and homely, rich and poor. You treasure humanity (and are appropriately bemused by it at times!) What more does one need to be a great writer? Well, spell check perhaps… 🙂
Write and write and write – but more now for yourself and for posterity!
Best always,
Ellen in Beverly Hills
P.S. For anyone wondering how best to show our support for dear Kristin, we can go online to Amazon and order dozens of her books – they make great gifts – and go to our local wineshops in search of some lovely Domaine Rouge Bleu!
What’s with the husband/ issuer of lengthy gag order who sits there, complacently reading, apparently oblivious to his wife’s distress, while he sips the tea sa femme en larmes has made for him? ? I hope you continue writing your brilliant blog at least 3 times a week. And slip that gag, Madame.
Kristin,
Of course I want the 3 postings a week, but your blog is not about what I want. Do what you need to do. Life changes and likewise so do we. Your blog and books have been a joy and blessing. I feel so priviliged to have met you and Jean Marc. You deserve all the joy and happiness life has to offer.
Dear Kristin,
I can’t add anything more to all these beautiful wishes from all of your greatful readers, I among them. Just in case I missed it please do what Jean-Marc tells you to do. Write to us when you wish.
Sincerely,
Paul Heffron
As Ginny just wrote, I am touched by your response to this message. Thank you for your loving support, and for every word of kindness you have sent me. May it all return to you!
Bonjour Kristin,
I love your posts! I love them 3x/week, to be honest. But it’s not about me. It’s about you. You decide when you write to us. I would also love once a week!
Life always throws these curves — known as change. You have given me so much — I love to hear and see a slice of your life in France, and it is very special. Now is the time to take care of you, know how special you are — and follow your heart.
Tears are fine —– they often clear the eyes and the mind.
Thank you for all the wonderful words & photos. Take good care of you!
Kristin, it’s not surprising that the wheel seems to have gone a bit square right now–writing is how your heart beats,how your explore and express your feelings and the events of your life. to have something major going on that you can’t write about must seem like an unnatural state to you. but i have no doubt you are expressing and exploring these things in other ways that you don’t even realize and this will probably lead to the deepening of some other facet of your life. I truly believe there is no such thing as ‘lost time’…something is happening.
peace.
Deux ou trois fois par semaine c’est bon. Et vous souvenez, les larmes sont bonnes aussi. Ce ne fait rien gue vous ne savez pas d’ou ils viennent. Les larmes sont la guerison.
Hi Kristin,
I have always admired your discipline and bravery to write about your life. You enrich all of our lives with your posts and have created a close community of readers who all love you, your family, and France. You have the toughest job. Can’t imagine doing it every day, let alone thrice weekly or even weekly. I enjoy them and feel guilty when I’m too busy to read some of them :(… Once a week would be a luxury for me!
I’ll leave you with my favorite lines from Jean Anouilh’s “Antigone” that we all had to memorize, thanks to Mme Phelouzat at Universite de Bordeaux — it still speaks volumes to me:
Marie ‑toi vite, Antigone, sois heureuse. La vie n’est pas ce que tu crois. C’est une eau que les jeunes gens laissent couler sans le savoir, entre leurs doigts ouverts. Ferme tes mains, ferme tes mains, vite. Retiens‑ la . Tu verras, cela deviendra une petite chose dure et simple qu’on grignote, assis au soleil. Ils te diront tous le contraire parce qu’ils ont besoin de ta force et de ton élan. Ne les écoute pas. Ne m’écoute pas quand je ferai mon prochain discours devant le tombeau d’Étéocle. Ce ne sera pas vrai. Rien n’est vrai que ce qu’on ne dit pas… Tu l’apprendras toi aussi, trop tard, la vie c’est un livre qu’on aime, c’est un enfant qui joue à vos pieds, un outil qu’on tient bien dans sa main, un banc pour se reposer le soir devant sa maison. Tu vas me mépriser encore, mais de découvrir cela, tu verras, c’est la consolation dérisoire de vieillir, la vie, ce n’est peut‑ être tout de même que le bonheur !
Dearest Kristen~
Wander around the nature about you. Sit and have a quiet time and see what God presents you with~ Little gifts are all about you and it is now time for you ~ just you.
Give yourself a special present of going somewhere beautiful and soak it all in and rejuvinate your soul.Surround yourself in color! We love you and thank you for your gifts to us!
Dear Kristin,
You seemed to provide a clue in your title today. Are your tears partly because you’re saying au revoir to something? Perhaps a location, or perhaps your blog?
As a new reader, I already love your posts, but sometimes change is necessary. Or perhaps you just need time to live life, rather than record it. And then when you are rejuvenated, you can return. Whatever the case, I wish you the very best! I love reading all the comments, especially the ones from your mom. She sounds delightful!
Take care,
Karene in CA
Krisin,
Your writing about a place we love is like a meal served to the hungry. Whatever you decide, however many times you write for us, we will hungrily devour your Provencal thoughts. Just write as you feel inspired. Sometimes three times a week, other times once or twice, or maybe none at all. We’ll still be here. We’re your friends.
I join the rest of your long-time fans in urging you to listen to the tears and choose a path that enriches your spirit.
Kristi,
How nice everyone has been very sweet and supportive. but the tears? Where do they come from? From your life which is out of your control!Tell the “captain of the ship” (that says it all) that you have needs too.
Good luck
Ellie
Wow, I think all the previous postings have said all that can be said. Your family has been shared with all and we love it. I like the multiple times a week as it is a personal connection with France and your family. However, life changes and while we (your audience and friends) don’t want it to change, everyone has to do what is ultimately best for their well being.
Due to changes in my life, I know EXACTLY how you feel while writing this post-I have felt like that many days this summer. Take a deep breath, know that “this too shall pass” and just go with it. You are feeling like this because you need to and are working through something. Be kind to yourself, cry when needed, get out in nature, fall back on trusted inspirational reading, be grateful and yes, rest.
I’m not sure what to write, but I know that I want to tell you how much all you’ve given us (your readers) means. It’s that escape from life, encouragement to embrace change, examples of strength and wisdom, and most importantly, the awareness that anything is possible. Take care of yourself and try to embrace life’s transformations. The images you post transport the viewer to another time and place; a place of wonder, amazement, and comfort. Take care of yourself.
I fell in love with France, the French language, history, etc., back in September, 1957 when I walked into my first French class. Ever since I have craved everything French. Finding your blog in 2002 was such a joy! I have followed you faithfully since then, and as a former French teacher, you have enlightened me more than I could ever say. But, cherie, I am a bit worried about you. Listen to this grandmother as I tell you some things. Yes, your life is changing because of something we, your readers, don’t as yet know. But you are also in a transition time when your children are growing more and more independent and don’t need you as much. So it is good to step back and ask yourself what is best for you, both mentally and physically.
I have loved the daily blog, but realized how much energie it took from you as you raised a family. Three times a week has been absolutely wonderful. But now, follow your instincts, and do what is needed to eliminate those larmes. Take a break. Or maybe go to once a week writing, breaking loose occasionally to add one or more days.
Because I am being selfish, I beg you not to forsake the gorgeous photos. You certainly have an eye for capturing something beautiful and meaningful. Perhaps an occasional blog of photos with simple descriptions?
I send you blessings and best wishes for whatever direction you decide to go.
Kristin,
You’re an artist. Best not to structure everything so much — just go with the flow. Your emails will come as little unexpected gifts (hopefully not too few and far between…) I personally would hate to think that you’re dreading the process because you feel you have to give us what we have come to expect. Hang in there and know you’re loved.
Oh, and Mary Larson, that was a lovely poem!
Oh my! It’s late morning and I have had the opportunity to read all the lovely and encouraging comments from your readers. If it feels comfortable to drop back to once a week…do it. You can always increase your postings when inspiration dictates. I’m an artist and sometimes my paint brushes sit still for weeks then, suddenly, I grab one and the paint flows again. I love to read your postings, but know your followers only want you to be happy.
I only began following your writing in December 2011. At first, I wanted them to be less personal and more pedantic. Then I became drawn in by the artful descriptions of your life in France. I was seduced by the quotidien and thanks to you my love for the language grew. Thank you for that! Now, change is looming: keep looking for the path that gives your life meaning. Remember your “reach should exceed your grasp or what’s a heaven for”… Bises,
Dear Kristin: Select whatever schedule brings you the most joy and peace in your life. Your readers will be grateful for whatever you share with us. Diane
Write when you feel like writing, when you have the inspiration that moves you to share with others. I am just beginning with my own blog, and I’ve wondered if I will continue to have the inspiration and many “what ifs?” have crossed my mind. You have a supportive husband and family including your “blog family,” so I know you will be o.k. I love reading your writings, and I don’t expect a specific schedule.
Oh, I see. The clue is at the beginning of the post: “”A step closer to Italy,” in today’s photo, and increasingly off track in today’s story.”
It sounds like you and your family are moving to Italy.
Sounds like an adventure!
K.
Chère Kristi,
Je serai en Provence en automne…(Les Issambres) …j’aimerais beaucoup faire votre connaissance.
I would love to meet you if it can be arranged and taste your husband’s fabulous wine. I am sorry you are hurting or grieving over something—it is ok to take time off and cry. Rest. Take it easy. Watch a few silly movies. Go for a few long walks…just let someone else nurture you for a while..and you will see the sun shine again when you are ready. I have come out of a six month ordeal where out whole life was turned around and many emotional upsets and financial woes…I am coming out of it now and celebrate with throwing a great dinner party, Provençal style for some of my husbands new colleagues. The whole works with patés, and soups, tians, grilled meats and tuna, honey ice cream and candied rose petals, etc… ; it makes me happy to plan for it and to surprise others…it is my way of getting my groove back… Fell better soon!
Dear Kristin,
Like many here I began following your blog early on and have watched and enjoyed your photography and vibrant words. It even inspired me to start my own blog. I love that you have so much courage and could write about your sadness. You see from all these wonderful responses how much we truly understand and share about changes, fears, grace and making our way in this world with ease. I am with you finding your own way and time to write- because I know that part, the writing and expression is a solid part of you. Thank you for sharing this time of reworking, rethinking and possibly, probably, creative rebirth.
Carole, Denver
Let me join the stream of comments. Like others, I rarely comment, but look forward to your entries *VERY* much. Your previous comments about the upcoming news has generally been of a teasing quality, but today’s sadness was striking.
Without knowing what is happening, I send you wishes for peace . . . You need to do what is best for you, and only you know what that is!
Kristi – Forgive an old doc offering long distance diagnosis based on minimal information. Your post suggests minimal,early clinical depression, to me. If so, there are good treatments available these days and they are most effective if applied early.
There is no shame in seeking treatment for depression. As you see from the above comments, you have many people who love and support you. Get to feeling better as fast as you can. We’ll all do alright till you feel up to speed again.
Taking care of yourself is your first priority. See to it and you will certainly have complete success.
If this comment is off base – as I said, please forgive me. Warren
Kristen,
There are zillions of blogs out there, but yours is the only one I have ever subscribed to. I love your stories and pictures and hope you will continue with thrice-weekly updates. But if it’s stressing you out too much, do what will give you peace. And if that means cutting down on posting, then we, your loyal followers, have to accept it, but please know that I’ll miss the frequency! My best wishes to you and your family (and that includes les chiens!).
Hi Kristin. I would like to add my thoughts to the many love letters posted here on your blog. The joy that we collectively have experienced through your letters is all encompassing. You have reached each of us in some way. And we are happy to be on the receiving end of your lovely writing and beautiful photographs. I am grateful that you have been sharing your life with us all this time and hope that you will be able to continue writing your French love letters. What about once a week? You have a gift so please continue to share. Priscilla from La Nouvelle Orleans.
Our dear Kristin,
Feel this hug? Please know that you are so loved,and your gifted writing(and gorgeous photos!) so appreciated.
There with you in spirit,hoping to turn tears into laughter.We all feel down at times,(we’re human,after all!)and letting tears flow can be a great release.
In God Calling (my daily devotional),Jesus says that fresh air and sunshine are his greatest physicians.Dear friend,rest there awhile; He will lead you.
You’re in my prayers and my heart.
Love,
Natalia XO
Dear Kristin,
Thank you for your honesty. My own tears well up when I’m having my time with God in the mornings and I look to an empty green chair in my living room, and picture Him there watching me. Always tears.
I would like to hear from you once a week, if you still want to write to us. Somehow you make me feel not so alone. Thank you.
Joan