Solitude revives the soul and the senses. Solitude is the crucible of the mind, the good is purified there; the fake evaporates there.
La solitude ravive l'âme et les sens. La solitude est le creuset de l'esprit, le bon s'y épure; le faux s'y évapore. Citation de Pierre-Claude-Victor Boiste ; Dictionnaire universel (1800)
Photo taken in St Cyr-sur-Mer, at our former vineyard (there were also these magnificent centuries-old olive trees).
la solitude
: loneliness
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE
by Kristi Espinasse
When it dawned on me that I would be spending two weeks alone on the eve of my 50th birthday, I began to fear the big D then the big L. I tried brushing off the wave of blues that suddenly cropped up. Would it grow into depression? Don't even say the word!
No, I don't suffer from depression, so chances are slim it would rear its ugly head. But what about Loneliness? I have never considered myself a lonely person – loin de là! But now that my kids are away — and my husband, too (only for two weeks), I sense a buffer has been removed from me and the world. This has got me thinking about the different buffers I've unconsciously put into place, over the years, that have protected me from…well, from what?
THE BIG VOID
As a newly-minted adult wine was that buffer. I quit drinking in 2003, at the age of 35, and threw myself into blogging for the next 10 years. I blogged 7 days a week, then 5, then three. Now I blog once or twice a week and try to be there as much as I can for my family. Family, unlike wine or work, is a positive and healthy buffer! (But is a buffer healthy?)
Now that my family is gone, I've caught myself searching for a new buffer. What about calling friends? Or setting some sort of challenge –like "every day I will take a new risk"? Try out that evangelical church up the street? or meet a stranger? (I went to the church's website and listened to one recorded church service…and knew for sure that I could not sit through an entire hour of preaching!)
I soon tossed out the idea about meeting a stranger every day or even calling a friend every day. This just wasn't me. I needed to accept this and "just be".
To just be… to be alone with oneself, this is to face that dreaded void.
It's only been a few days now but this time alone has made me realize that my life is like a hamster wheel, or what the French call Metro Boulot Dodo. As I take the opportunity to get to know myself better, I am careful not to tie myself into some kind of schedule (schedules can be a kind of buffer, can't they?)
Instead, I am walking my dog at odd hours. (Thanks to those of you who wrote in with tips on how to build back confidence after being overpowered by your dog. I bought The Gentle Leader collar and Smokey and I are making progress every day!) And just this morning, while out on a walk, I stopped by my favorite free book booth and met a Frenchman d'un certain âge, who was dropping off un roman. We chatted 5 minutes about everything from New York (he collects books on the subject) to the Cévennes (the topic of the book he was dropping off).
As we said goodbye and set off in different directions, I sensed we both enjoyed a new connection to the universe. No buffers necessary.
In case you missed the picture of the telephone booth repurposed into free book stand, here it is. Goodbye for now and à bientôt!
Meet Jean-Marc and our son Max in Texas and in Portland!
Houston, TX : December 13th at 7 PM
– Winemaker Dinner at Bistro Provence, 13616 Memorial Drive. Tel : 713-827-8008. Reservation needed.
For any questions, please call or email Jean-Marc at jm.espinasse@gmail.com
A book makes a wonderful gift, click here to order any title from anywhere (France, UK, and Canada readers can now access these book links.)
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Bonjour Kristi – I always appreciate some alone time and that’s why I often travel solo to France. I say that I’m alone, but not lonely!
Regarding the gentle leader – I had a sheltie once who used a gentle leader and it worked wonderfully. It took her a little while to get used to it though and it sounds like Smokey is doing great with it.
Bon courage with the rest of your solitude time!
Tish from Powhatan, VA
Bon anniversaire, when it arrives!
L.
you can be lonely in a crowd of people, yet feel content with your own presence in one room. inner peace and contentment does not depend on others; it may enhance it as long as you don’t lose your sense of self.
Creativity takes many forms – family , books, this blog. Paintings are my thing now. Maybe this time was a gift for your creativity regroup and expand again. Very thoughtful post. Thank you. Time for one more cup of coffee and then to painting.
Hi Kristi,
I used to hate being alone but now I enjoy it sometimes. I look at it now as time to renew and give myself a chance to be alone with my thoughts. I use the time to pray the rosary or I go out into nature and just sit somewhere with a beautiful view and let go of any of life’s distractions. It’s a time for me to be grateful and appreciate all the wonderful things I have in my life. Sometimes the silence and stillness is a great way to stimulate new ideas!
Good luck with the gentle leader! It worked wonders for my big Lab who was about 100 lbs and was hard to control sometimes! It takes awhile for the dogs to get used to it but it works great!
Next time you have a week or so by yourself, come visit me and we can go hiking! 🙂
Pretty tough on yourself, aren’t you, dear lady? Lots of rules and plans and speculation? Alone can just be ALL ONE. Working from heart not head. Being at peace in each moment within the carcophony of everyday life. Maybe…let up on yourself a bit?
With a day taken up with Kine 4 times a week ,exercises at home & shopping, alone time is a positive bonus .I ‘m in a course of re-education after a back operation & my goal is to walk normally again Everyday I must have a walk too .
The fortnight will go quickly .Enjoy your ‘me ‘time !
I would look at this time on my own as a chance to catch up on all the reading I never get to do, but that’s me. Is there something you are always meaning to do, but never seem to have the time when family are around? Go for it, Kristi-it’s not being selfish, it’s taking care of you!
Bon courage!
Hi Kristi. Gentle leaders are great, an even better one is the ‘canny collar’. It is from England. I like it as the leash comes from the top of the neCK. Rather than under the chin. A word of warning, my dog Sophie learned to back out of the collar. When she wanted to chase a bunny, she would sit, look at me, tug, and pull out . So, don’t try to pull him forward if he is sitting. Sophie weighs 80lbs! Alone does not have to mean lonely. Merry Christmas from Dallas.
Lovely reflections in this post, Kristin! Sending you a hug – from someone else who is often alone (work is my buffer). Over the years, I’ve actually come to embrace it!!! xxx
Empty nest is not easy for anyone. Enjoy your beautiful time. I started volunteering at a horse rescue here in Taos-who would have thought shoveling manure amidst 28 horses, donkeys, & 1 goat would be fun! Those of us volunteers enjoy the animals, the comradeship (is that a word?), & the therapeutic programs. Nature has also helped me alot, since I live in such a beautiful area-as you do. Make the most of your alone time, whether it be reading , eating out, or just relaxing.
I come to think of the 2 years and 9 months I spent here alone in our old house only to se my hubby for a long weekend once a month (he kept working in London ‘to keep me in the lifestyle I had be one accustomed to’ he said…it was tough in an old house where things did not work…the renovation and the rest, I could go on and on.
Eventually the lovely Max, our Golden Retriever, after puppy classes, vaccinations and the rest, arrived back with me in Provence in mid March 2015, just 4 1/2 month old and full of life, so I had my lovely companion…so when asked ‘do you speak to your dog’ I think you know what the answer is!
Having said that I have always enjoyed my own company, just as I love being with friends and also meeting new faces. I am guilty of watching TV, but I read, I create ‘things’, head full of ideas, and I listen to music a lot of the day, and completely guilty spending time on FB, Instagram and Pinterest.
Then the summers have become very busy, guests non-stop, especially this summer, but that was what we set out to do, and we are glad to say we have succeeded.
If you dog is taking you for a walk, rather than the other way round, we swear by the Halti as well as the Halti lead. Max (he’s c50kgs) is a completely different dog when he wears this, when we are out and about people and markets, he walks very slowly no problem, if he does not wear, boy does he often take us for a walk. You can order it or these via Amazon. We were given these by friends in OZ, who trains puppy’s, so have to assume they know, and we would not be without it.
Hope you will come by one day?
Lis x
While you and Smokey are on your own, you’re certainly allowed to rethink the pleasures of meeting up with old friends for a long lunch or a hike…or for company on the new adventures you’re trying out!
Kids have flown the nest….home alone….I reached that at 68 when we moved to a different country…France…Who am I? How to be out and about? I ended up writing down a list of my interests–not my kids’—and set out on Associations’ Day (first Saturday of September) to find a group. It worked and I have met a like minded group and am enjoying getting to know them and working on projects with them…while improving my French listening skills!
Bonjour, Kristi,
I loved the gentle leader. My 70 lb. golden retriever, Tomasi. Giovanni Albinoni (aka Albi) thrived with it. We went for many walks around the neighborhood without a single dislocated shoulder, elbow, or wrist joint. This was a great innovation because Albi was always tempted to take off after a squirrel, a garbage man, another dog, or any one of the numerous delightful distractions we encountered on our walks!
How resourceful of you and true to your calling as a writer to use your alone time to catch up on some reading. As I age I find I am attracted more and more to nonfiction and inspirational literature. It would be great to read your review of the book, ALONE.
Turning 50 is the perfect time to embark on a study of self in the Buddhist tradition and begin a practice of meditation. You will understand better what you have already discovered, that busyness and fretting in all forms are a distraction. As it has been said, the only way out is through. Namaste.
Look up St. Augustine’s most famous quote and you’ll understand your feelings and the desire to buffer the world. Restlessness, longing, part of the human condition, the search.
Hi Kristi,
The decade of the fifties were the best years of my life, without a doubt. I was in good shape, I had fewer responsibilities as my daughter had moved out, I had solitude which I enjoy very much, possibly because I spent a lot of time alone as a child, and I did all the things I ever wanted to do. I knew who I was by this point and knew what I believed and it was a wonderful time of health, strength, and creativity. Feel free to look foward to these wonderful years and enjoy them to the fullest. You deserve it!
Hi Kristi,
I was able to retire one year before my husband could. Our sons were both gone, so I had lots of alone time. Retiring forced me to find who I was underneath the buffer of being “Madame”. It was challenging. But a new me gradually emerged and I like her! It is a process and it didn’t happen quickly. I did make myself try new things and those opportunities brought me new friends! My time in France is my alone time now and I savor it.
Cate, I want to print this out and frame it! Such a lot to look forward to! Many thanks to you and to all who have left such thoughtful notes. They are much appreciated!
Hi Kristi,
I enjoy your blog so much! I have been reading it for several years now. One of my dreams is to live in France someday- to finally be able to use the French I’ve learned on a daily basis. You have mentioned your sobriety on many occasions, and I am curious what you do to help with your recovery? I too am in recovery, working a 12 Step program. I will have a year in January and am simply reaching out for any ideas or additional support!
Many thanks!
Our dear Kristi,
Today’s post is wonderfully thought provoking.And!As you always do,
once again you have really touched a chord within all of us.
My husband,Rod, was a commercial airline captain for 37 years I wish I could recount all the birthdays,holidays,family celebrations and the like that we missed due to his flying schedules and moving to new domiciles.
Sometimes you absolutely do need to pat yourself on the back and allow a rip roaring pity party;
then you must stop to look on the bright(er) side and find pursuits that YOU always wanted to discover now that you have time and mind focus to find pleasure in them.Pilots at that time had the third highest divorce rate because it could be very challenging –after having had to take charge of everything by yourself–,learning again how to share the responsibilities with your returning partner.(So happy we made it!)
You and dear Smokey are just a dynamic duo!Love the picture I keep in my mind of you both savoring long walks in glorious weather,appreciating all that nature has to offer.
Wishing you every blessing always.
Love
Natalia. Xo
Take the time for yourself. Take the time to spend with some friends….one or perhaps, a couple of them over for lunch, or a light dinner. Take the time to read. Take the time and do something special for yourself. Take the time now, because at the end of the two weeks that time will be gone. You don’t need buffers….they just get in the way. Neither your children nor Jean-Marc are in actuality buffers. Buffers are imaginary barriers that one places before them and they key word there is imaginary. There is space in your life to be alone and space to be with others. We all need the balance…….so enjoy the rest of this time. Remember, “la vie c’est bon.”
Dear Kristi,
I do not write replies often but I read your blog’s every post. If you would permit me to give some advice from a woman who has lost both parents, has no children. Do not fear being alone, or turning 50 or getting older. This is part of life, which, if we are fortunate, we embrace, and if not so fortunate, it means we have passed on. Take this time to decide if there are thins you want to do and them do them. Keep the people you love close to you and be there for them. Enjoy every moment of every day. I am one of the few Americans who knew who Johnny Hallyday was. He inspired me to learn to speak French. I only traveled to France when he was on tour, so I could see him. Take a page from his well lived life. Enjoy every moment because life is short. Do not waste a moment. Its gone in a flash.
Bravo for bringing up and facing what can be thought of as an uncomfortable subject. John O’Donohue the late Irish poet and philosopher and ex-priest said in an interview that I did with him before he died that the keys to a spiritual life are ‘solitude, stillness and silence’. You can read that interview on my website. There are also two audio recordings of it at John’s website, I believe. But the article is a melange of the two interviews
Bon Courage!
Diane Covington-Carter
I am close to your age and have often thought your same thoughts. I have finally learned that life constantly changes and just when we become accustomed to our situation, it changes again.
Life is full of activity around us, which we do not take the time to see. I started walking for exercise and realized it had allowed me to notice the life taking place around me. Walking has opened my eyes to neighbors I never knew,the different flowers growing around me, and animals of all sorts. I never really, really saw these things before I started to walk. Whenever I become depressed or lonely, I walk!
Cathy, I love this! Thanks. Wonderful points about walking!
Kristin enjoy that alone time. It’s a time when it is all about you and no one else. Do what ever it is you want to do!!
Cathy,
I enjoy your column so much and want to give you an idea that will make walking with your dog more enjoyable.
I much prefer a Sensation harness (or something similar) to a Gentle Leader, and I think my 90 pound, muscular dog does, too.
It works as well as a Gentle Leader, but doesn’t involve ever twisting the dog’s neck.
Here’s a link. http://softouchconcepts.com
You can find them in pet stores here and also on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/SENSE-ation-No-Pull-Dog-Harness-Medium/dp/B0013JYDEG
Regards,
Barbara Robertson
Kristi,
I have a couple suggestions about loneliness with which fortunately I no experience but just empathy.
I would suggest 2 hobbies which are passions of mine. The first is photography and after being a professional photographer for almost 50 years, I am still excited and passionate when I discover a new situation to photograph. And I am excited when I see great photography in photo books, exhibits and even on the wonderful site Pinterest. The inspiration makes me want to grab my cameras and catch a flight to l’inconnu. You as a travel blogger are a photographer so why not do a book of your photos? Think of a series like windows, the door knockers of Paris or store fronts.
The second passion of mine is collecting which I have done since my college days in the 1960s. Through collecting in many areas of interest from antique shows and flea markets worldwide, auctions all over the US and on-line like EBAY, I have made many friends with the same interests and we have bought from each other and traded and shared many anecdotes on our passions. Perhaps you have already some items you collect. You would be fascinated with some of my collections: vintage hotel luggage labels, old hotel keys, travel posters, vintage luggage, travel photography and thousands of books on many subjects.
I would be interested to know if you do have the collection passion. If I lived in France, I would be traveling every weekend from one antique market to another. When I do visit friends in Paris, I always go to St. Ouen, Porte-de-Vanves and to the Anciens Papiers show.
With passions in one’s life, there is no room for loneliness.
Pace, salute e passione,
Jivago
Hi Kristin,
I really liked the concept of using things/people as a buffer. I think it’s a buffer from being “seen.” Once all my own buffers like my kids, my nursing career, were removed, who was left? I love solitude. It actually gives me more to offer the people I love.
So important to learn to be alone.
You wear it well and I am not one bit worried about you.You are lovely to be with:)
I learned..and it became a Godsend.
And even though I am w/ Jacques 24/7 now..we each have our own hobbies in our home that give us this zen time:)
I like that time to reflect..
You’re not 50 lol:) Not in my eyes.
Dear Kristi,
I just joined your “French Word A Day” and I love it; I also am happily married, in my fifties with precious “extra time” on my hands —and also blessed with two wonderful children who are now adult friends.
I would encourage you not to give up on “church.” You might want to spend some time learning more about God by investigating “One Perfect Life,” –the Christmas story –a special Christmas presentation by John MacArthur. It is on the “Grace to You” website and I think you can search for it easily.
May God bless you!
A friend from California
For my 30th birthday, a few years back, I treated myself to a solo trip to Paris, my favorite city. It was refreshing, a bit scary, a bit fabulous and very eye-opening. I wouldn’t have traded that for anything. Then, a few years down the road, when I traveled there on my honeymoon, I was all the more appreciative for finding myself before I found my partner.
Chere Kristin,
My son wrote a book about being alone: “Going Solo,” by Eric Klinenberg. He’s a prof of sociology at New York University and he explains the many advantages of being alone—temporarily as well as a long-term lifestyle. It’s available in paperback.
Because you have a large following through your blog, you don’t have to be really alone much. Just send your mobile phone number to some of your online friends and casual followers and invite them to video-call you on Facetime, Skype, Whats-App, or other such format. Lots of us would be delighted to chat with you. Please feel free to email me and I’ll send you details.
Bonnes fetes,
—Ed
I love to be alone, but I find that if I am getting overwhelmed with the Metro Boulot Dodo (thank you for the new phrase!), I also go for a walk. It’s not just keeping my now 51-year-old body in shape, but it’s also keeping my mind and emotions healthy too. It keeps me grounded and makes me feel refreshed again. It’s an opportunity to just let go of stress and observe the beauty around me. Let’s enjoy our 50’s, really be grateful for what we have, and embrace life!
Hi Kristi,
I am writing you again to encourage you to get in touch with Alecia Evans of Walk in Sync. I think you will find that her system will completely solve all walking, and dog relationship issues, with Smokey.
Best Wishes!
Susan Scott
I so agree with what you are saying. I am 74 and still have one very viable parent living. I have no children, I was a second mom to my sister’s kids. It is ok to be alone, but remember to keep those family and friends. To be alone does not mean that you are lonely. As I said earlier in a comment….keep a balance. When I was about 63 someone asked me if I wouldn’t like to go back to my 20’s….I said “no way”. At the time 45 was as far back as I would have liked to go…now…probably somewhere between 50 and 55, but I will take my 74 and run with it. And with any luck I will get 20-25 more years like my great grandmother, grandmother and father. The women in the family both side were strong….mentally and physically.
I too have a passion for photography….an amateur…but a good one. And a passion for collecting. Love garage sales and flea markets, but have found the internet to be too expensive. If in Europe I too would be canvasing the Brocante’s of France and at least the Flea Market in Arezzo, Italy. Kristi did collect old keys and she has produced some good photography. We need to encourage her in those aspects.
OK…second post because I have been thinking about this and reading other comments. Get that camera out, put it around your neck and take Smokey for his daily walks and just shoot whatever catches your eye. Or maybe pick a certain subject to photograph…..doors, windows(love to do this one). Gardens, people; look around and see that world that is not alone. Then take a couple of days and head somewhere else. Your photography is good….take the time now to play with it. hugs to the moon….joie
Hi there Kristi The Alone Girl !
I was an only child and my father left when I was 12.
After he was gone I realized the buffer that was there
was never really there.
My marriage ended before I knew why.
The buffer – once again – was never there.
Now, this only child, loves being alone. She meets
herself writing, painting, and others when traveling !
Perfect combination. Let’s not forget my dog Sibylia !
The friendliest dog alive who makes me feel important
because she is with me !
Most selfish person that I am I guess.
Blue Butterflies to you – Buffer-less Girl !
A friend challenged me to write The Paper Doll
and the Grapefruit Knife all in iambic pentameter !
It seems to add structure and not as difficult as I
thought. Tired it here as well.
Ellen, sending continued best wishes to you. As for what I do: continue to stay committed to my decision and turn everything over to God. If you have any other questions, feel free to contact me at kristin.espinasse@gmail.com
Missed a few sentences as I look back.
Hi Kristi;
George Moustaki has a song I always enjoyed: Solitude or Ma Solitude.
You can find it on the Internet.
Kristi,
We all assess our degree of loneliness and busyness according to what we have been used to. You have led such a busy and interesting life- with family, vineyards and your online blog and gorgeous photos. And you have recently moved house.You are such an attractive, graceful woman that people gravitate towards you. Always something happening! Perhaps inside yourself, ( you have described yourself as casanière, a home- loving person ( moi aussi!))there is a woman who has yearned to live more quietly, with more introspection. If so then you can embrace the times that you are by yourself as an opportunity to express this other part of your personality. Just a photo of toes ( and paws?) in the sand would be super!
Well said!
Never having been alone for long I doubt I have much to add to these wonderful posts.
Know that I truly appreciate your BLOG, your honesty, your joie de vivre.
Moustaki’s song is really good.
Amuse-toi! Bon anniversaire!
Dear Kristi,
I love the sentiment of your opening sentence…Solitude revives the soul and the senses. The older I get the more I treasure being alone. A bit unusual for a bonafide extrovert, but I do believe it has to do with age and coming to terms with self. As we work through the passages of life and the changes that come with that, there is a period of adjustment, hopefully followed by the comfort of where we find ourselves. Our soulmates may be experiencing the same, albeit at a different time and handling it in a different way. We are entering a new phase, having just lost our last parent (at age 97!). A time for personal reflection and contemplation. How I miss having our two cockers to hug for solace…
Bonjour !
I have been following your blog since I decided to immerse myself in the French language about 2 years ago. Now that I am in Paris , alone.. your article struck a cord.. I came to Paris for Chef’s school, around folks all day long.. however at the end of the day.. walking home alone, coming home to an empty apartment , eating alone.. took some adtjusting.. as I too have a family and a husband that I have never been apart from for this long ( one month). I have begun to embrace the “aloneness” , time for reflection and quiet. Family will start arriving next week.. with trepidation I wonder how I will feel when my empty apartment becomes full? I know it will be with mixed emotions as that means my school is over and I will soon leave France. Thank you for you lovely posts, when I get back to the US they will keep me in touch with not only France , the way of life here , but the time when I was able to be alone and just be me.
You are right to distinguish between “alone” and “lonely”. I live close to the sea and watching the waves is a solitude that I treasure. Do you know the English composer Vaughan Williams. He wrote a choral symphony called “Sea Symphony”. It uses the poetry of Walt Whitman. The second movement is called “On the Beach at Night Alone”. For me it is inspiring.