Solitude revives the soul and the senses. Solitude is the crucible of the mind, the good is purified there; the fake evaporates there.
La solitude ravive l'âme et les sens. La solitude est le creuset de l'esprit, le bon s'y épure; le faux s'y évapore. Citation de Pierre-Claude-Victor Boiste ; Dictionnaire universel (1800)
Photo taken in St Cyr-sur-Mer, at our former vineyard (there were also these magnificent centuries-old olive trees).
la solitude
: loneliness
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE
by Kristi Espinasse
When it dawned on me that I would be spending two weeks alone on the eve of my 50th birthday, I began to fear the big D then the big L. I tried brushing off the wave of blues that suddenly cropped up. Would it grow into depression? Don't even say the word!
No, I don't suffer from depression, so chances are slim it would rear its ugly head. But what about Loneliness? I have never considered myself a lonely person – loin de là! But now that my kids are away — and my husband, too (only for two weeks), I sense a buffer has been removed from me and the world. This has got me thinking about the different buffers I've unconsciously put into place, over the years, that have protected me from…well, from what?
THE BIG VOID
As a newly-minted adult wine was that buffer. I quit drinking in 2003, at the age of 35, and threw myself into blogging for the next 10 years. I blogged 7 days a week, then 5, then three. Now I blog once or twice a week and try to be there as much as I can for my family. Family, unlike wine or work, is a positive and healthy buffer! (But is a buffer healthy?)
Now that my family is gone, I've caught myself searching for a new buffer. What about calling friends? Or setting some sort of challenge –like "every day I will take a new risk"? Try out that evangelical church up the street? or meet a stranger? (I went to the church's website and listened to one recorded church service…and knew for sure that I could not sit through an entire hour of preaching!)
I soon tossed out the idea about meeting a stranger every day or even calling a friend every day. This just wasn't me. I needed to accept this and "just be".
To just be… to be alone with oneself, this is to face that dreaded void.
It's only been a few days now but this time alone has made me realize that my life is like a hamster wheel, or what the French call Metro Boulot Dodo. As I take the opportunity to get to know myself better, I am careful not to tie myself into some kind of schedule (schedules can be a kind of buffer, can't they?)
Instead, I am walking my dog at odd hours. (Thanks to those of you who wrote in with tips on how to build back confidence after being overpowered by your dog. I bought The Gentle Leader collar and Smokey and I are making progress every day!) And just this morning, while out on a walk, I stopped by my favorite free book booth and met a Frenchman d'un certain âge, who was dropping off un roman. We chatted 5 minutes about everything from New York (he collects books on the subject) to the Cévennes (the topic of the book he was dropping off).
As we said goodbye and set off in different directions, I sensed we both enjoyed a new connection to the universe. No buffers necessary.
In case you missed the picture of the telephone booth repurposed into free book stand, here it is. Goodbye for now and à bientôt!
Meet Jean-Marc and our son Max in Texas and in Portland!
Houston, TX : December 13th at 7 PM
– Winemaker Dinner at Bistro Provence, 13616 Memorial Drive. Tel : 713-827-8008. Reservation needed.
For any questions, please call or email Jean-Marc at jm.espinasse@gmail.com
A book makes a wonderful gift, click here to order any title from anywhere (France, UK, and Canada readers can now access these book links.)
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What about a little roadtrip…? There are so many interesting places in France that can be accessed by taking a train and then using local transport. Have you ever been to Le Familistère in Guise?
Jean-Baptiste André Godin in 1840 created a small workshop manufacturing cast iron stoves. Twenty years later, Godin became a remarkable industrial captain, head of major foundries and manufacturers of heating and cooking equipment in both Guise and Brussels. He initiated a massive experiment in socialism in Guise where he built the Le Familistère complex of foundry, living quarters and shops. Upon his death it was left to the employees who continued operating it for decades. It is an extremely impressive place to visit and to buy cast iron cookware that rivals Le Creuset, but at a fraction of the cost.
That’s just one of the many off the map places that can be found in France. (Hitlers WWII headquarters near the Belgian border is another where you can walk the grounds and visit an onsite museum with an exceptional video presentation about the French Underground during the war.)
Of course, hanging around the house drinking coffees and maybe doing little projects around the house can also be quite pleasant. The key is to enjoy whatever you choose.
As I’m reading all of the thoughts,suggestions and well wishes it really hits me how many people genuinely care for you and the journey you are on. I hope it warms your heart as much as it does mine to see that because you are willing to be so transparent you have enriched your life with people that are comfortable also being real.
I had to laugh at the hour long sermom that you couldn’t sit thru. I’ve been there!!! They are especially long in France. I always figured I must be a tad attention deficit. This is who I listen to at home, for what it’s worth. He’s extremely good, makes me think and makes his point in half an hour. The first time I heard him I listened to “The God I Never Knew”. I was hooked. Hope you take the time to try it out and that it will help fill some alone time.
http://www.theblessedlife.com/
Hi Kristi
I came from a large family where I was never alone. Then I married a military man and we were posted far away from my family. He was frequently away and it took me a long time to adjust to being on my own. Now children have flown, husband found a younger model and I have retired ……. those early years of getting used to being along stood me in good stead. I am totally content with my own company …. I do have a dog, so that gives me a structure to the day as well as long walks.
The telephone is a godsend. I can have long chats with family and friends as often as I like. I love my home and garden. I think it is important to love your space and make it as comfortable and cosy as you can! I am a bit like Mole in Wind in the Willows! Love my burrow! I often spend time cooking on miserable winter days, listening to the radio as I mix, blend and bake. Or curl up by the fire and watch a movie or read a book, take a nap after lunch, browse in a second hand bookshop …. the list is endless! Today I treated myself to a hot stone back massage at the local beauty parlour!
I used to wonder how my widowed mother could cope living alone and sitting alone every evening ……. and now my son probably thinks the same about me! Whilst I wonder how he can bear dragging himself out on cold winter nights to some party or social gathering, when he could be warm and cosy in his own home!
I am a real extrovert, but can be, no need to be alone to recharge my batteries and process my thoughts. Perhaps it does come with age ….. and practise. But you do not need to get used to being alone, it is only temporary – the lovely Jean Marc will soon be back!
My dog is dreadful on the lead, he is strong and a puller! My solution is to put him in the car and drive to a wood or into the country …… and let him off the lead. He will not run off and keeps checking back to see where I am. Walks are so much more enjoyable that way. Avoid urban walks is my tip!
Kristi,
For more than 30 years I have kept the poem Desiderata framed and hanging on my wall. After three very busy, active careers I am now retired, living alone, with no children and no family close by. At 70+ I am now completely comfortable being alone and picking up the many things I have always wanted to do. Friends and family are always there, but now I have time to reflect, to meditate, and to be still.
In the days when I couldn’t find a minute for myself this poem would calm and center me. Now it is my mantra.
“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
What, no visit to Bend, Oregon—in beautiful Central Oregon? We are about a two and a half hour drive over the mountain. It’s a resort community—skiing, fishing, biking, running, kayaking, hunting, rafting, etc. There are lots of festivals, lots of micro-breweries—lovely town, good bookstores, lots of restaurants. Wish he had a tasting scheduled for here! Maybe next time 🙂
Thanks for all the inspirations on aging from all those who replied. I have wasted the last nearly 10 years hating getting older and now turning 50 soon myself. It’s hard to have the body and sometimes mind change. I hoping one day to accept it. Reading these posts helps!
Kristin you aren’t alone. You have all of us!!!
Yes, I didn’t mention walking in my reply. If not walking, I do a bike ride. One can see and appreciate so much more when not in a 4 wheeled machine. Only rain will keep me indoors, and right now in New Mexico, we are in a drought. So walking it is! One more thing, having dogs means you are not alone.
Enjoy your 50’s. It is an opportunity to better known who you are and become more comfortable with who you are. You will make new friends. You have moved from a comfortable place to a new place. You will be loved and appreciated by many in this new environment. Be open to receive.
Tish, I would like to hear more about your travel alone. Please email me at
myoung4514@aol.com
Mary Young
Kristi, this post is very timely for me, though again I am reading your update a couple of days after its publication. I have been contemplating buffers as of late. I vacillate between going with the flow and planning ahead to protect myself from something that makes me nervous. You bring up an interesting point about routine or schedule as a buffer. I find solitude comforting, particularly amidst long days of family noise and a typical busy pace. It’s rare for me to be alone these days and that is why I cherish the opportunity when it arises. Too much alone time, and I might start to sink into loneliness.
Back in February 2016 you had a recipe for a 3 ingredient desert made with chestnut spread. I went to the archive but it won’t open and help
Thanks! And Merry Christmas from Arizona!