We all need more mudita! Mudita is the benevolent and altruistic joy that delights in the happiness and success of others. It is a sacred joy that finds its pleasure in the well-being of another rather than by feeding envious thoughts and jealousies concerning the other. To illustrate "mudita," we often give the example of parents, who delight in the progress and happiness of their children. (Photo from our marriage. I know, you've seen it many times!) I think marriage vows should include "mudita," don't you? Comments link at the end of this post.
DEFINITON FOR VICARIOUS JOY
"Mudita" cela veut dire "une joie sympathique, une joie bienveillante et altruiste qui se réjouit du bonheur et des succès des autres. C'est une joie sacrée qui trouve son délice dans le bien-être de son prochain plutôt que de nourrir des pensées envieuses et jalouses à son égard. On donne traditionnellement l'exemple des parents qui se réjouissent des progrès et du bonheur de leur petit enfants pour illustrer ce qu'est Muditā." –Wikipedia
ECOUTEZ – LISTEN
(Dear Reader, for today's sound file, you are stuck with me and my big American accent…as Jean-Marc is absent today! Here we go… listen to the definition (printed above): Download Mudita
Improve your spoken French. Try Pronounce it Perfectly in French or Exercises in French Phonetics
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE
Thursday, following his open letter about what could possibly drive us to abandon our dream-in-the-making, Jean-Marc and I read the blog comments. We read them silently. We read them aloud to each other. We read them over the phone to my father, my aunt, my mother. I whispered them to my dog, Are you up for this, Smokey? Will you be OK in cargo, headed to America…..
Though heartened by the enormous support, I knew all of the encouragement would only convince Jean-Marc to take that leap–a move I am still resisting, much like I resist party invitations. But isn't that just it? Isn't it time to open up and share life with others? I could stay in this isolated garden, write from a perch in my bedroom, and hibernate forever as a bear (so as not to say recluse)!
Speaking of bears, they frighten me and are beginning to serve as a filter as we note down possible towns to live in (I don't want to live in Bear Country. At the same time, bear country has all of the qualities I am looking for in a place to settle down! Will we ever settle down? On and on the mind goes during this potentially (we still could stay…) uprooting time, as we allow both excitement and fear to take over – – and when it does, we each retreat to a different room and find our peace, our internal compass. If only it would reveal the direction, NOW!
That afternoon, after being moved by an outpouring of support, the house was quiet but for a crackling fire in the living room. I went to look for my husband of 22 years and found him sitting on his grandfather's couch, one he had had reupholstered in burgundy velvet (the color of his future wine?) before we moved to the Côtes du Rhone. Here we are now in St Cyr-sur-Mer. Ten years and two vineyards later we are on the verge of a major life decision–leaving our authentic dream in which Jean-Marc would build a vineyard from the ground up…up into the hills over looking the sea of Bandol….
….and I would have the French farmhouse of my dreams–while another passion grew even beyond that: a wild French garden! This rambling garden (in which just this morning I pulled 6 earth-clad carrots) would offer more than quaint architecture, it would strengthen the foundation in my soul. So why do I keep mourning the loss of my garden when it is right there inside of me? Capable of growing wherever I go? I can plant it in a plastic cup and set it on the shelf of an Airbnb (in Portland? Will we go there?) or dig up a back yard of a home for sale (in Denver???).
Walking through our farmhouse the other day, looking for Jean-Marc, I found him there in front of the fireplace. He had a big bright look on his face as he stared at his computer. I wondered, What is he looking at? As I turned to see the screen I saw it - a giant Map of the States. And there, seated before the giant map , I now saw a young man, young as I was when I once sat before a giant map…of France.
Gazing at my husband, whose head tilted thoughtfully before the map, all of my self pity began to melt away. And I thought, After 24 years of living my dream in France, isn't it his turn now to have his own experience in a foreign land? Looking at Jean-Marc I could almost see a cowboy hat and chaps on the young man who sat considering the vast Map of America. A young man who had felt so very old only days ago.
And it occurred to me that instead of fear and regret I could now find my joy… in allowing Jean-Marc to pursue his own. And that by observing his delight in each new world discovery, I might be delighted too.
***
RELATED POSTS
If We Left France Where Could We Move? Click here
Is Jean-Marc Single? Can I Buy Your Home? Click here to read
To Come to a Decision: On Turning the Page of our Vineyard dream. (Click here).
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If you like the weather in Provence and want to continue working with world class wines, come to Eastern Washington state. The second choice would be right next door in Oregon where there three distinct wine regions from which to choose. With the airlines today, everywhere is close to your family.
Dear Kristi and Jean-Marc:
I love reading your blogs and I hope you do not mind, but I pray for you both every day. I know what it is to live with depression, and also of pulling up roots. I think this moving to America will be a grand adventure for you both. There are plenty of peaceful places to live in this country, and I think this might just be the ticket for y’all. I live in the Oklahoma City metro area, and if y’all ever come through here, please stop and say hi. I would be honored to buy you and Jean-Marc a cup of coffee, tea, or any beverage of your choice.
Dear Kristi,
I’m surprised to hear that you and Jean-Marc are considering a move to the U.S. I would have thought that was too far away from his extended family, but it is possible to fly back to France for occasional visits. And a purely selfish concern is that I will miss your fascinating and heartfelt stories of your life in France. Maybe, as others suggested, you should take an exploratory trip to the top cities/communities on your list before making a decision. Oregon has several communities with vineyards, for example: Willamette Valley in western OR known for pinot noir and an area in southern OR that has a similar climate to an area in Spain where the tempranillo grape is grown. Check out willamettewines.com and oregonwines.com. Montana is probably too remote from cultural activities and the weather can be extreme. (Before my nephew settled in Bend, Oregon, after growing up in Delaware, he lived in Bozeman one year. One day while he was snowboarding high on the mountain the temperarature plummeted so quickly that he got frostbite.)
Bonne chance!
Cordialement,
Lorena
Kristi,
I haven’t read all the replies, but I can see you are swamped. Still. I’d like to add my “two cents.”
I have lived in Geneva and have travelled all over France so I understand a bit of what you are facing. I understand that you’d like to be near family, so I held my silence until you wrote more about liking Portland, a great city with gloomy weather.
I do want to tell you about a little pearl of a place that I now live. If Jean-Marc would like to continue in the wine industry and you would like to bring your garden to America, please look into Sebastopol, California.
Sebastopol is a small town of 7,500, with an out lying area of 25,000 people. It is 65 miles north of San Francisco in the Russian River appellation in Sonoma County. It is very family oriented and artsy. It has been called “Berkeley in the country” and, as I’ve mentioned, is home to many. many artists. It is a treasure of a place. Sebastopol is very near to the larger city of Santa Rosa, which has it’s own airport with increasing numbers of direct flights to Phoenix, Portland, Seattle, LA, and San Diego. We also have direct bus service to San Francisco and Oakland Airports.
Look it up online and see what you think. If you or Jean-Marc have additional questions, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ve spent time in all the places you are contemplating and have relatives who either live or have lived in those cities. They’d be happy to answer your questions.
Oh, I forgot, we also have a Lycée in Santa Rosa!
Warm regards,
Anne
Oh dear oh dear! Just caught up on the last few posts. Exciting, scary, perplexing! Change is definitely in the wind, and I hope and pray that time and talk will help you work it out. Bon courage, whatever the decision!
Oh YES Kristi, I agree! Seek more adventures it’s so exciting to step out into a new unknown. You’ve lived the adventure of the vineyard and dream house in Provence. There is an Italian saying (I don’t know the French translation) but “Mangier vita prima che si manga” (“Eat life before it eats you!” ) X
Dear Kristi – How interesting that you mentioned Bozeman. My brother, his wife & 2 now grown children moved there 8 years ago. They have nothing but good things to say. A vibrant and active community (a college town), with close proximity to the Tetons in Wyoming (God’s country, in my opinion – my favorite place in all of the US) and of course Yellowstone. And your chocolate making friends are there, too (Chatelaine Chocolates?). Thinking about signing up for their France tour in May of next year. Great things are on the horizon for you and your family!!
Hi Kristi,
I’m sure that your emotions will go up and down and be all over the place in this time of transition. I love how you saw something more for Jean-Marc and felt good about giving him this new opportunity. May God clarify and confirm His direction for you, and may you have patience as you wait.
HI Kristi, what a pleasant surprise to find you contemplating a move to the U.S.! I can’t be objective, in that it would be great to see you and Jean-Marc again sometime. But this is my offering- along with all the wonderful things stated before. There’s a narrow road to find for you as a couple, in which you are both “taken care of”, so-to-speak. I hope you two can find that road in which both your hearts can find a peace in the decision. When I remember, I will pray for that. My love to you both.
Joan
Bravo Kristi! Your supportive comment on Jean Marc fulfilling his on dreams do you credit. A real Mudita moment.
Dear Kristi and Jean-Marc,
Thank you for sharing your journey. I am compelled to wish you a grand and fulfilling adventure–and, I want to remind you that you are not old. I have seen a beautiful boutique winery grow in Miles City, Montana. The couple who craft it, in sub-zero weather, are older than you. They started the vineyard after retiring from a long career. (Look! http://www.tongueriverwinery.com) I leave you with these words by Mary Oliver, an 81 year old poet who, just a couple of years ago, started a new life by moving to Florida: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Best regards,
Dulce Maria
Thanks to you both for sharing such open, honest thoughts. JM’s letter was so well written and very moving with its candid and considered responses.
My first reaction to your idea of moving to the US was concern- too much to deal with at your age, readjusting to an American/Anglo culture and of course leaving a beautiful part of the world, family and sunny climate.
Interestingly, over a couple of days ( and avidly reading all the blogs) I found myself changing views. I live in the “New World”- Melbourne, Australia and if this were 20 years earlier I would have recommended moving here.
Having only ever visited France (our daughter spent a year on exchange in Lyon) and the States, I can offer some generalisations garnered from an affection for both countries. I now think a move to the US could work well for this next chapter of your lives.
Both countries have beautiful places and offer the potential for new gardens to acquire or establish. With research and maybe a trial, you may well find in the States warm, open and friendly people who will embrace your franco-ness.
The new world does I think offer greater opportunities. I get the sense that Europe is struggling and life is more constrained with obligations and restrictions, upheavals and conflict.
I believe JM can adapt if you find a community with sympatico people. Reading between the lines, he is indeed looking for a complete change. Mind you, a clement climate is important – as you get older it is harder to deal with extremes.
Of course a new place and garden in France could work well too. But for your children, I think the States might offer a better future- despite the current political concerns, lack of gun control and healthcare.
As well of course, there is the easy access to Mexico too.
Very best wishes and look on it as an exciting time- empty nesters do have the ability to reinvent themselves! I am sure great adventures lie ahead and you will weather them well – after all, the matrimonial sea has its ups and its downs wherever you may be.
good morning from new york’s beautiful hudson valley ~ i just read “is jean-marc single?” and had a good laugh at the title alone. but reading jean-marc’s reasons made so much sense to me. here’s a little story: my dear husband (deceased in 2009 ~ he was FDNY, and a first responder on 9/11/01 ~ 8 years later passed from a world trade-center cancer) and i realized our dream of buying a funky old (1851) farmhouse in the beautiful hudson valley, where we went from a NYC postage stamp of property to 2.6 acres!! all we wanted to do was to garden until we couldn’t walk any more. BUT, we were already 52 & 53 when we did it, and after spending many days and weeks and months working on the house and property, fully motivated by love and vision, we HAD TO ADMIT that we were no longer 20 or 30 and we were TIRED. at least my darling man was able to enjoy our little bit of paradise for three years before he became ill, and for that, i will always be grateful. i can so relate to what you both are feeling. the dream is powerful and cherished, but the body betrays!! KNOW THIS: wherever you end up you will make a beautiful life ~ your artistic and earth-honoring souls will always provide that. just remember if you are seriously considering colorado ~ WATER is a resource they are having trouble with…there’s just not enough of it in the southwest. and that may be something you’ll need to consider going forward. with best wishes to you both on your next adventure ~
We recently uprooted our life in NJ, having grown up there, worked there, married and had all my friends there. The winters finally got the best of us as we no longer had the strength or patience to weather the snowstorms. You may want to factor snowstorms(big ones) into your decision. So we came here to Ocala, FL and we love it. It is horse country so there are farms everywhere, sun every day, and lots of things to do. And it is cooler with less humidity than the south. Florida has some local wineries too. Having said that, we are prepared to leave the US if the election goes a certain way which scares us to death.
The Willamette Valley south of Portland is full if wonderful small towns and lots of Pinot Noir and Chardonnay. Several French winemakers and wannabes. Veronique Drouhin has an estate there producing very nice red and white burgundies. If you visit the Portland area take the time to go a few hundred miles to the east and visit Walla Walla. It also is wonderful wine country with world class syrah, Grenache, Cabernet, merlot and other Bordeaux and Rhine style grapes being grown and wine being made. Again French winemakers and a fromagerie just up the road. A good restaurant scene and a university. The weather is perfect for a home garden and yes winters are cool and maybe a snowfall but much milder than anywhere in Colorado or Montana. And Washington state has no income tax. Good luck!
Rhone style not Rhine😀
I second that! You should look around Charlottesville and the surrounding counties. We have four seasons, but short winters and summers even after forty plus years I have never gotten used to. But then again you are living in a hot climate as well. Oh, but our falls and springs are truly amazing!!!!
How beautiful.
I enjoyed your story very much.
Lovely and inspiring post. I agree with comments that Jean Marc could be a blogger too! Like all your readers, I find it hard to resist jumping in with suggestions, so I will just stand by and appreciate the openness of both of you. I have a lot of life decisions of my own to make. Maybe that’s why your writing touches us(aside from being so good!): we all get to make big choices at several points in our life.
Thank you for the mudita explanation. You both seem to live with a sense of generosity and abundance. It reflects in your beauty as people.
I would of course invite you to Oregon where many are making wine in the Burgundian style. You could relocate, and still do what you love without the farming if you choose.
A prime example would be Domaine Drouhin and another vineyard for sale with just two acres, producing award-winning wines in the Burgundian style, Privé Vineyard.
And sometimes it takes hindsight to tell you!
Hi Kristi,
We all need more mudita in our lives! Wishing you and JM all the best as you make the hard decision of where to go next in your lives! My son and his new bride will be finding out next month where they are going next. When you are in the Army…home is where the Army sends you! He is hoping for Fort Lewis, Washington!
Bonjour Kristi,
I have followed you(your blog)for several years now. At this time I am the most enthralled with your blog as it is in so many ways a parallel to my life, my husband! We have been married 23 years this October 30th. We have moved A LOT! My husband can not stay still; there is always another project to conquer! Since you are still in the research stage of future locations, I would advise you and Jean-Marc to check out the Santa Ynez Valley located on the Central Coast of California. It is a 40 minute drive to the beach and Santa Barbara. It is full of world class vineyards (I am sure your husband has heard of it) producing fabulous grapes that win over Napa, Ca. Aside from the vineyards, it is a rural horse area with very low housing density. We have what they call a Ranchette: 20 acres for peaceful & tranquil living, horses, cows, & plenty of space for gardens! The weather is the big draw. Basically, it is always sunny, charming, western, & quaint. Before you make your final decision for your next ‘stop’, consider looking at Santa Ynez. If you want to contact me privately, please let me know as we would love to show you around. I can forward you more information. Amilecament (sp?), Liz p.s. I am NOT a realtor! Hee! Hee! I just identify! p.s.s. Bozeman is beautiful but very, very cold, & you cant have a 12 month garden!
Dear Kristi,
This post moved me to tears. What a beautiful example of love, commitment and devotion. Jean-Marc’s post on his Mas des Brun page was also poignant and insightful. I have faith that you both will work through this and will be all right…
When one dream ends another begins. We have lived around the world, on three different continents. We have fantastic memories, we have had sorrow and joy everywhere, we have loved so much. Travel, living in different countries and experiencing different cultures is enriching, it allows us to live life to the full and to appreciate so much more of what is around us. Don’t look back, look forward, it’s another adventure, embrace it, we have, our children have and I believe all of our lives are so much the richer for it.
I know you have millions of comments here and you don’t need mine, but on the surface it seems crazy to me for you to pick up and move to the States. Your husband is so deeply French — I can’t see how he would prosper in an all-the-time American environment. Even though he’s visited often. And you should give up your whole identity in your business, your blog/newsletter, your accompanying books and advertising income for an experiment like this? Scary to me, and seriously related to his depression issues — i.e. “if I can only get away from here and start over” but depression comes with you. I have a 91 year old husband who has sunk into depression and anxiety after a bad fall and possible head injury. we HAD to move in the middle of it all, not a move we wanted to make. Now we are settled and comfortable but is he better? Not really. If you sell, give the U.S. a try for a few months before making any permanent decisions. Once you pack up and make the big leap it is so difficult to go back both financially and emotionally. And America may not be the all-in answer for you. Give it some serious thought before making any firm decisions. Good luck.
Oh, how I love this update, Kristi! I have been sworn to secrecy by mon marie and have been quiet about our upcoming plans, but I just want to say that we are in a very similar situation at this time. Life has so many wonderful adventures to offer us! We’re often too worried about making the wrong move, but I think that, as cliche as this may sound, the only wrong move is the one guided by the decision to stay put due to fear and worry.
Oops, that should say ‘mon mari.’ 🙂
I think a road trip of America (as suggested above) is a GREAT idea. It will give JM a taste of the flavor of the different parts of the US, to find the area that speaks to him. I am reaching a point where I feel I have worked very long and hard all my life and it’s time to ease off the work and move towards those things that I enjoy (like travel). I sense that maybe JM is near that place, too. He has worked so very hard, maybe it’s time for a little less work and a little more fun? Amen to that! I know that you will create a loving home wherever you land. And maybe being nearer your family at this time in your life is a good thing, too. Trust that He will steer you to your next adventure. Be still and listen. <3
Two years ago, P and I were in the same position you and JM find yourselves now. We sold our home of 20 years, not knowing where to go….we prayed, pondered and packed, ending up where we are now. We could not be happier or even more at peace….I am convinced you will land right where you are “supposed” to be!! xox Patti
You will make your own happiness wherever you go. Thanks for sharing the voyage. And I loved Muriels’s bear story.
I wish I could recommend my state (Illinois). It’s home, and it’s where my peeps are, so I stay, but I can’t think of one reason why someone would voluntarily move here to start a new life. On the other hand, we love Wisconsin where the grand-kids are…
I agree with Dawn, although I would also suggest northern California as a possibility, around the area of Sonoma, where vineyards also abound and the coast is wild and rugged and beautiful.
Merci beaucoup! You have explained your situation most clearly Your writing skills are similar to Kristi’s __ excellent, a mon avis). Following a buyout two months ago, last Thursday Nancy’s employment was terminated; the new owners are corporate and it was a cost saving decision. Nancy worked for and with the previous owners 32 years. Eighteen years ago, while working her regular job, Nancy helped write regulations and policies, interviewed prospective residents, and related jobs preparing to open an assisted living facility. It has been her “baby” and mission 24 hours every day of her life since it opened. She was given no notice. She donated a full day of work to insure her residents a bit of help in the transition and can”t stop worrying about them. She was like a mother to each and everyone of those under her care. She is grieving now but already has been busy tackling the consequences. Like you two, she is strong, intelligent, and multi-talented — she will eventually come out of this with flying colors. Keep in touch and our love to you, Kristi, et ta famille.
Everyone has had a say and many have offered you a place to rest and help make a decision. I have no such advice. My thoughts are simple. You will be together, the kids will decide where they will be…either with you or taking long visits. Depression is a serious problem and you will need resources to handle it. That is a major issue that will not go away for a while. This change might even make matters worse. Go to a place where you will be able to get support…….emotional, financial and social. Health care in the USA is expensive. This is a huge decision and taking your time to figure it out is a good thing. Remember you can always change your mind and follow another path. I have faith in you and your family that you will find a way to move your life to a better place. I hope you keep all of the rest of your settled friends informed as we have gotten very attached to you and your family. Take as much time as you can…..I have a feeling that you will do well and it will be a good thing. With much affection, Corky
I’m traveling around CO. now. Denver is big, busy and expensive according to my niece who lives there. Summit County has a long winter. Colorado Springs is in a pretty area. Take a look at Bend, OR. Bonne chance!
Bonjour!
I have also been enjoying your writings for a number of years and wish you all the best with whatever path you choose to follow.
We love reading your blogs ever since we visited you at your home for a wine tasting with Robert and Gilda Camuto in July 2014.
We left Texas for New York more than 10 years ago–that was my dream–and someday, I hope to follow my husband to a place of his dreams.
Please keep writing and we look forward to hearing where you end up.
Anita Kelso & Scott Edson
Dear Kristi and Jean-Marc,
I have followed your blog with affection and respect. I also enjoyed Dawn Johnson’s comment above. Like her, after a trip to France (Paris and Avignon, Arles, St. Maries de la Mer and Tavel), I also have created a small bit of France in my home. No pottager, but I put in an herb garden. and started my collection of French cookbooks which are an ongoing adventure as I learn new dishes.
As you face this new adventure, I would like to invite you to visit southern Oregon where the wineries are blossoming. It is really a lovely valley, this Rogue Valley, and I live in Medford near the center of it. While it is not as cosmopolitan as other places, there is a university and the world-famous Oregon Shakespeare Festival in Ashland 15 miles to the south.
What I would suggest is that if you consider the Pacific Northwest — anywhere from Washington State to Southern Oregon–you should be mindful of the weather. The southern third of the state is a bit like California in that it has rolling hills and oaks and mild winters. While we are an hour and a half from the ocean, the weather actually has four seasons, but never heavy snow — perhaps one or two storms in the winter but the snow is gone in a day or two. Around Eugene, there is also a good university, and another winery rich area–the Willamette Valley.
The reason I mention the weather is that here we get enough sunshine year around to avoid SAD (seasonal affect disorder) which arises from not enough sunshine throughout the winter. As you move north from us, the incidence of overcast winter days increases, along with the opportunity for depression in some people. who might be sensitive to this affect.
My husband Ean and I would like to invite you to visit us and use our home as a base from which to explore what the valley has to offer. It would be an honor to host you.
With all good wishes,
Susan Morrow and Ean Roby
You would be so welcomed in Oregon. Lots to see and do. Vines included. Direct flights to Denver and San Francisco (Mexico) If you don’t want Portland due to its size, try Eugene, 2 hours south of Portland.
Kristi,
I was also mourning for you the loss of the French life you dreamed of and built when you started talking of your move. And I was living that through you (as I thought that I might meet my future husband while living there, but he was waiting for me in New Hampshire … where I would meet him while visiting my family there). I love my life, but I miss France … and I felt sadness for you in this new development in your life. Until now. This blog post was so beautiful.
I wish you well on your new adventure. It certainly will be wonderful with your partner by your side, with smile on his face and sparkle in his eye.
What a beautiful post, Kristi. You are on the right track. A wise female mentor of mine once told me, ‘You CAN have it all. Just not all at once.’ You have had a wonderful life and raised two great kids in France, not to mention the amazing dream of starting a winery and becoming a widely-read writer. Now on to your next adventure! Keep us posted.