Four years ago, I thought we had finally put down our anchor–that our grandkids would eat these figs that Smokey and I were harvesting here in the Land of Milk and Honey. Jean-Marc can better give you the reasons for wanting to move. Until then, today's letter answers some of those questions you may be having.
TODAY'S WORD: parvenir à une décision
: to come to a decision
ECOUTEZ – Listen to me pronounce today's word: Download Parvenir-decision
On n'est pas encore parvenu à une décision finale.
We have not yet come to a final decision.
Improve your spoken French. Try Pronounce it Perfectly in French or Exercises in French Phonetics
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE
Ever since Jean-Marc admitted that he no longer had the energy to farm and that he wanted to sell our vineyard and turn the page–and ever since my first reaction (Non!!!) I have been struck by the number of coincidences in favor of a move.
First, our children's response. "This place is too big for you, Mom. You don't want to live all alone up in this secluded area. And Papa is tired…"
Their last point is the only reason I would consider moving. The other points can be argued: our home is 180 square meters, or 1800 square feet. That's not too big, is it? As far as being alone in a secluded area–I'm too busy learning about permaculture–or natural gardening–to notice the downside of too much land. I may also have been too busy to notice how behind I've fallen on weeding. When I look out over the wild garden and see how unruly everything has become…a greater realization comes to mind. Apart from several technical decisions to do with planting the vines, Jean-Marc and I now know what went wrong with our property and our home: we spread ourselves too thin. We never got the help we needed. And we are not in our 30s anymore.
Imagine two middle-aged people stepping out of their hillside farmhouse each morning. Jean-Marc heads down to the vines, spends hours watering amidst the heatwave. I grab my broom and begin emptying the house of so much trekked in dirt. Looking up, I get distracted by the spiderwebs (which somehow make their way back inside each week) until I see an overflowing bowl of kitchen scraps, pick them up and take them up to the orchard and vegetable garden, behind our mas….
There at the base of the forest, my eyes dart left and right, making sure a family of sangliers, or wild pigs with sharp horns, isn't noshing on our saffron ready to charge at me for surprising them all. Coast is clear. I begin to pull weeds, harvesting berries as I go for a "breakfast on the run". I've forgotten my pruning shears, way back at the house, so make a mental note to cut down the overgrown fennel–until I see a tree that desperately needs watering. But Jean-Marc has the main hose….
Off I go to another project, hanging out the laundry. I trek back down the hill, stopping inside the house and trekking in more dirt. Filling the laundry basket, I head back out to the line, and hang it all to dry. My eyes sweep over "Kristi's vineyard," planted on the terrace below my clothesline, by Jean-Marc and Max's friends two years ago. The ground is parched and several vines have shriveled up. I hurry to the house, grab a 10-liter watering can and return to the lower terrace to dart from one thirsty vine to the next. The sweaty effort is a drop in the bucket.
This brings us to our faulty planning and to biting off more than we could ever chew. If we were to start over again, I would have grown my own garden organically–from the front porch outwards. Instead, I have peppers down in Kristi's vineyard, blueberries over by the new deck, and–continuing up to the forest behind the house–a sprawl of other plants and pollinators–everything from avocado trees to honey bees (the hives, located higher up in the forest, are Jean-Marc's project).
My multi-level garden (sounds glorious but imagine a parched hillside) and our old farmhouse keep me busy with spurts of ineffective efforts, in spite of trying different schedules ("water and care for the front yard in the morning–and the back yard in the evening. And, for the farmhouse, thoroughly clean one room each day"). This all looks good on paper until things get into the way (or I get lazy).
A car with German license plates is slowly pulling up our driveway, attracted by the giant sign down by the side of the road ("Wine. Olive oil. Honey. CLOSED"). I already know the question: "Can we buy some honey?" (or wine or olive oil). And my answer still hasn't changed, We're not ready yet. On a bad day I want to scream: Can't you read the sign. FERME. CLOSED! Instead I smile, and watch as the car tries to back out of our driveway, zigzagging back and forth, running over the prickly pear cactus and taking a few branches of lilac with it. A familiar scene that is, when all is said and done, comical to see.
By now the illiterate visitors have mowed down the poor cactus and the lilac is but a shadow of what it once was. More help. Better planning. 30-year-old bodies. What else will it take to change Jean-Marc's mind and convince him to stay here ("The Land of Milk and Honey," as I called it when we moved here four years ago)? I'm no longer sure that convincing my husband is the answer. As for turning the page, Circumstance seems to be doing that for us.
First photo taken before the previous owner restored the mas, or farmhouse. Second photo taken at a wine-tasting here last year, when the lilac was in bloom.
RELATED POSTS: Click on the titles to read the posts
Is Jean-Marc Single? Can I Buy Your Home?
To Come to a Decision: On Turning the Page of our Vineyard dream. (Story here).
Moving to Mexico: To Fly with One's Own Wings. (Story here).
The Previous Move Which Brought us Here to The Sea near Bandol….
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I certainly understand the impact of age and what one can manage/enjoy. My husband is from a farming family where the younger generation (now all above 50 years of age) do not want to farm. Here in the States, they rent the fields to others to operate/take care of and those folks collect most of the profits but the owners do get a percentage of the take. Some of the renters do this working for/from several farms. Could you do that? As for the gardening, could you both then just turn your attention to this side of things? Not meaning to belittle the effects of aging as we are both in our mid-late sixties. I am retired, but I am just now experiencing the other side of not working….needing something worthwhile to do (while not a full time job). Best of luck in what you finally decide.
With all you have experienced and learned your next step should be fabulous!
Dear Kristi. I have been reading your blog for many years now, following silently along — grateful for your spirit, your art with words, your photos. Reading today’s blog has me in tears. Not from sorrow as much as from praise and grief — for all the life you live and all that you and Jean-Marc give. Just know that you have many supporters out there who care.
Chere Kristi,
Pray and take it one day at a time. There’s something about the ’50’s – you still can do some things but really not as well as ten years ago. we moved to a new house in our 50’s and never regretted it, but it sounded insane. We had paid off our first house – why on earth did we want to start over with a new mortgage? That was 29 years ago and I still love where I live now, especially since I have a few neighbors from back then. Living where you do is very demanding and you have to decide – Is it worth it? We all wish the best for you and Jean-Marc.
As I was reading your blog, I said that isn’t too much work, but then I realized that In between all of that gardening and laundry, etc. you have your writing and wine tastings and harvesting with many hands on board and making meals for all of them. It is a lot of work and I know that you put heart and soul into it – nothing less. Then JM is working in the vines, keeping them growing and the bees happy. What seems like a completely idyllic life is a very stressful life.
You will figure out your next episode in your lives. Listen to your inner being, to what God is telling you, to what your soul and spirit is saying and the JM and his concerns, ideas and wishes.
I am trying to get my husband to slow down, to sell our apartment house ( office building) and to work from home. He is 80 and has back, knees and leg problems and is always hurting, but he is so stubborn. The apartment building is for sale and we he had nibbles but no bites. I do the gardening, lawn mowing and general upkeep of the yard – one acre. I do the cooking and we share the dishes and laundry. I am retired, 68 and volunteer for several organizations. My feeling is that if you stay active, you stay young and so does your body, although sometimes I over do it.
You are both young, but you sound a bit burnt out and need a change. You will figure out the right move. You both have done so much. The wine is the best, your blog is super and I haven’t tried the honey or olive oil, but I am sure that they are also superb. You have your causes, no GMOs and organic farming and wines. That takes more effort.
Bon chance to both of you.
Kathleen
Kristy, Reading the thoughts of fellow readers encourages me to write and say a hearty ‘amen’. You have touched hearts around the world with your transparency, joy of life, and willingness to support your family in all ways. Whatever you and Jean-Marc decide, you know that your paper and pen friends will stay beside you and will strive to be the wind beneath your wings.
Oh my goodness, your description of keeping your vineyard and house going has me exhausted just reading it! In my 60’s now and a bit farther down the path of letting some dreams go and giving new ones space to appear, I can advocate for simplicity. It is a great gift to let go of some of the weights. I’m wishing you and Jean-Marc patience and clear thinking as you proceed. The decisions are not easy, but there’s much to be learned and enjoy as the path unfolds.
Our dear Kristi,
Your words today are so beautifully written that you have just touched our heartstrings and wrapped us in hugs.
When we were facing a similar decision some years ago,a dear friend gave me an excellent metaphor:when you feel the ocean is too far,stop going to the ocean.I say metaphor because we weren’t going to the ocean but trying to manage a lovely park like property with an orchard that had become too much for us.
As much as we tried to focus on the positive aspects and our blessings of having had this place,our hearts(and bodies) told us it was time to start thinking of other options.
God shows us the way by closed doors as well as open ones.Perhaps He is already speaking to you,readying you for the next chapters of your lives.
You and your dear family are always in my prayers.
Love
Natalia. xo
Kristi,
Thanks for the wonderful tomato tart recipe. I gave it a try with our first harvest of tomatoes and it was so good. Hang in there as life often takes turns that we are not ready for but ultimately they work out for the best.
I hear you Kristi-
Time to think. And to that end I can suggest a very helpful downsizing book by C.J. Ware called Rightsizing your Life. It’s on Amazon.
It was helpful for me when I was tossing that idea around in my head and I was only one person who had to decide. This book helps couples make the decision and whatever the decision it’ will galvanize your method. It is VERY useful to read.
I am sorry to hear of your leaving of the vineyard as this was my husband’s dream only he had it too late, being 71 now, he enjoyed when I told him of your work. But I more than understand and am proud that you know when to quit. I look forward to the next chapter of your life and I know you will be sharing it with us here.
Thanks for all the past stories. More to come!
Jeanne
Hahaha … I understand, totally. Good for you for taking care of yourselves. We downsized to an 1100 sq ft house with a postage stamp yard. The big house with acreage is behind us and I haven’t looked back. Farming was a period in your lives and now you can look forward to doing something else … take time to dream it into reality. Best wishes for a happy future! We’ll be here, waiting to read/see the next chapter.
My family LOVED the tomato tart recipe! Thank you for sharing!!! Good luck to you and your family – things always work out!
Kristi and Jean-Marc,
I know that you both have thought and thought about your options. When God closes a window, He opens a door.
But….If resources are an obstacle (money) then there are lots of “crowd sourcing sites” now on the internet. This could provide funds for irrigation and manual helpers.
How about creating a coop org. so that members can ultimately share in the profits and share in work commitments. There could also be a B&B option. I’m sure that you have received business guidance and if the “usual, conservative” methods don’t work, perhaps the newest, creative sources would help!
However, if you are both simply too tired at this moment (depression does that) then perhaps it might help to share my experience: I am now 76 years old and at the age of 60, I realized that I no longer wanted to be at the losing end of economic cycles and crashes. I am an Artist and Mentor Teacher and both are impacted and first to be cut when economic conditions tank. Sooo at the age of 60 (yes, Sixty!!) I had saved money and took a year ‘off’ to study landscape design and sustainable gardening (very few knew “sustainable” then!) I’ll cut to the chase…..I was very Successful and was grateful that I could use my artistic gifts and my passion for plants, soil and environmental protection to EARN MONEY. I was very successful as a business and did lots of business ‘networking’. I’m not a type A personality so I didn’t want to create an empire, which was possible. In any event, I am now retired (I maintained one favorite client. The rest were sad to see me retire.) Dreams may change form. I found that the gifts that I was born with did no need to suffer the chopping block of defeat. Whatever you both choose,old dreams don’t die– when allowed to, they simply take new forms.
Oh Kristi, such a beautiful house you made there, and I’ve felt that I’ve been vicariously living that life from my US suburban home. But some days I can barely handle my little 10 ft.X 10 ft. garden plot and the bushes and pots around my house, so I truly sympathize with your plight. With three grown children long out of the nest, and having had to move our parents out of their own homes when they stayed too long, we’re thinking about our next move reluctantly. But it will give more freedom to travel and come back to places like the south of France. I’m sure wherever you end up, you will continue to have adventures and write beautiful stories with photos to match. Bonne chance!!
Kristi and Jean Marc, you have each other. Wherever you both are will be home. You have each other. If you move to a studio apartment you will have your lover with you. My husband passed away three years ago and I moved to a smaller townhouse. It is my house but without him, I am having a great difficulty making it my HOME. Now, I wish we had downsized together. We would have had more time for each other. You are indeed fortunate to have this decision practically made for you. Abraham Lincoln once said, “People are as happy as they make their minds to be.” I’m trying. I really am. You can do it. You have your lover beside you.
-investors?
-selling some land?
-permitting the addition of a couple sweet cottages? (a loooog list of takers, right here)
-advertise “live/work” positions
-interns for work/study?
Listing the positives and negatives on paper helps me make decisions!
Yes, somethin’s gotta give! As this powerful panoply of caring and supportive comments proves, dear Kristi, we are with you and Jean-Marc on whatever path you next choose to explore. Again and again, I’ve relied on faith to carry on through unimaginable changes, heeding signs such as you’re noticing. There is no such thing as ‘failure,’ only shifting realities. Truth is, All Shall be Well, All Shall be Well, All Manner of Thing Shall be Well, as St Julian of Norwich assures us still.
In ’09, I renovated my sizeable old house of 33 years, expecting to be there all my days, puttering in the large garden I’d created. But by ’13, it had all become too much and I felt trapped and desolate … till I undertook a major move. Friends were astonished, some even protested. My dear old place itself ‘let’ me go, and it is being re-purposed by the new owners. The house is gone, and I am happy in my new digs in a new city.
Feeling stuck is no fun, ever, but whatever you decide to do will burnish your well-being. So great how waves of admiration and affection zoom your way from so many caring readers; we’re united! The bond we feel with you and your family is one reality that change cannot touch.
Halfway around the world I feel you.
I too have the exact, yes I mean the exact feelings as you about our property.
Hearing you say it aloud makes me think I should face the facts and remember what a friend said to me before a prior move, “yes you live in a great place and wherever you land next will be good- you’re not going to live somewhere bad”
But I’m still holding on because of the peace I find in the afternoon in my lounge chair with my two dogs by my side,a good book, sipping a mocha to get enough energy to complete the evening chores.
Maybe the answer is budget for that bit of extra help that will make it doable or is it move and start again on a smaller scale-but where?
Or is this thinking about changes just what life is and will always be-
A constant adjustment to changes that occur because you wake up each day.
Bonne chance in your decision- I for one will be following you to see where you land.
So sorry for the agonies you and JM must have endured in arriving at this decision. I have worried about how hard he, and you, seemed to have had to work to keep the whole project moving forward. (Possibly a trigger for his recent bout of depression?) Fortunately you are still young enough to be able to do many adventurous things just short of clearing and planting whole vineyards with the strength of your own backs. I know you will find that new undertaking soon, and only hope it will be as aesthetically and artistically pleasing as this one has been. And that you may have enough more spare time to be able to come and visit us in Aix/Luynes.
All the best. Robe-aire
Sometimes life helps us with making a hard decision. It might not be the plan you had expected, but it might turn out to be the best plan. It is not always easy to let go of the dream, but sometimes there is a new dream waiting just outside of your sight and you just don’t realize it yet. I am sure whatever direction you end up going, it will be good. You both work hard to make things work and this will not be an exception. I know the answer is out there for you…something smaller? something totally new and exciting? something that is totally unexpected? Starting a new story can be taunting at first, but like reading a new book, once you are into the story you end up being excited to turn the pages and find the direction of the new adventure. With the kids leaving home and growing independent, your lives are naturally changing. Embrace the changes. You will be fine. All the best in this next phase of your life.
My husband is nearly 80 and I am just a little younger. We are both active within physical limits and can look back on a life of many changes involving much decision-making. I have read a lot of comments about following your heart and I have something very practical to add to that. Pencil and paper! individually make lists of wishes, wants, pros and cons, what you each see yourself doing for the next ten years. Then hand them to each other for reading and consideration. Write notes and questions about each others lists. Wait a few days and then schedule a day to spend together discussing, dealing with the dreams and teasing out the realities of finances, locations, responsibilities, capabilities etc to set a plan for no more than 10 years ahead, could be 5. Being realistic is not giving up on dreams but it is a hedge against disappointment.
Kristin, You have already received so much excellent advice that I really don’t need to add more! I just want to wish you and your family the best as you search for your continuing path through life.
Hello Kristin,
Do you guy’s have a mortgage on the house? If you do, and you must work to pay it off, then Jean Marc need’s to man up. If he’s just tired and has no real health issues he need’s to KEEP WORKING!
If there’s no REAL need to sell and move other that being tired of his vineyard than you guy’s need to iron this out! Don’t overextend your financial position in order to appear that your part of the 1% crowd. Buckle down and work the vineyard and stop all the unnecessary trips that may be causing a financial burden.
If otherwise, this option is not feasible, then you must sell and move on, it’s just that simple.
May God Bless you and your family.
John P Senetto
From all of the wonderful letters written to you and Jean-Marc today about making changes in life, you can see that it happens to almost everyone during their lives. Whatever you two decide, with the support of of your family, friends and a multitude of folks (readers) who think of you as family, you will make the right decision. You have my sincere admiration and best wishes.
I am not sure you have seen the dedicated work both of these people have put into the place. It is not for lack effort for either of them. JM has taken on a job I believe at a wine shop to help the income. Kristi blog advertisers bring in some money. They have two kids in university at this point. When more money is leaving the house than is coming in it makes for difficult times. Just because someone has a dream does not necessarily mean that all of it will come true. You are not in their shoes.
Oh, I need one of those. Maybe the lovely sounding book, too.
OK…I feel better now that I replied to John P, above! What was I going to say? Decisions are sometimes difficult, but all of life is made up of decisions, whether it be the big one you two are facing right now, or the seemingly small ones as what to fix or dinner. Life is all about choices. I think in the end, the choice you want to make is the one that will benefit the whole family for the years to come. You want to be able to say, “yes, we have had a good life with a few bumps in the road, but a good one.” You may decide to stay, knowing that there will be hard work and that changes will have to be made. And you may decide to leave and find a smaller parcel of “the land of milk and honey”. But either way you need to embrace the changes, because either way there will be changes…and that is OK. Enjoy what you have now, and if you don’t enjoy it, change it. You will make the right choice. Remember “When it rains, look for rainbows, when it’s dark, look for stars.” hugs to you both, and Smokey.
Bonjour Kristi,
A mon avis on doit parler aux enfants plus souvent! The family that grows together, stays together. It will only be by talking and reflecting and then talking and reflecting some more that a really good transition will happen. At least that is my thought. You and
Jean Marc are no longer a couple; you are part of a family which includes young adults who love you. You might want to investigate
the possibility of tenant farmers for the vines if that allows you to keep the home and garden and pass it along to the children. Just
a thought. Whatever you decide it will be “right” because it will be made lovingly.
Bon chance,
Joanne
Kristi, I am awed by the wonderful advice and the love expressed by your readers. Between your own hearts and the good advice, you and Jean-Marc will make the decision that is right for you. If grape fields are not in your future, they will remain in your memories. There is just the right spot in the South where you can live new dreams without unnecessary burdens in your life.
Kristi, “Make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes”
I have found many places in life to apply this -after hearing it 40 years ago.
It is a gift to know when to quit a thing that is robbing you of your best life!
J-M has done so much, and you have supported him.
From -starting/operating/producing two vineyards, renovating two farmhouses, raising two children into great young adults -to sharing/documenting almost every day of this on your daily-thrice-twice-then weekly, blog! WE KNOW you have done amazing things, things that many could not do!
So “change-needed” is ‘in the air’. So when Everyone is “okay”- especially J-M, then move forward. TELL each other, and celebrate(!) WHAT a good job Has Been Done!
(MEN- everywhere- need to know that they CAN redirect their dreams, and lay down the weight with no regret!)
God is so bigger than any earthly circumstance. I am sure He is using your current circumstances to take you to a better place. So, dream the next dream, WHATEVER IT IS!!!
Prayers and love are surrounding you.
“make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes”.
You WILL be okay.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank You Dear Kristi’s Readers, for your sweet, meaningful and wise comments.
I will soon post the reasons which have lead me considerate such an important decision
With Love,
I see Sue Lennox replied in a comment. She put me on to your informative, touching letters which I have so enjoyed. We were both American Red Cross nurses and worked disasters out of Scottsdale where we live with our families
I am now 83 and so understand what you are going through though in different types of decisions. All I can say is this too shall pass. I firmly believe that we are guided in life and that you and Jean Marc will find joy in wherever you are for you are devoted to each and supported by a loving family.. May God Bless you. Fondly , Mary-Audrey
Changes & the decisions regarding them can be difficult but you must always do what is best for you & Jean-Marc. I will keep you in my prayers as you move forward & know you will find the answers you seek.
Such an encouraging post! Congrats for beating cancer and live well!
Thank you from Olympia, WA
The hard part is over—you have made the decision and now the planning for your next adventure can been. Where ever the next step leads you I’m confident that the two of you will find happiness and success. In any case, Kristin, you must continue to share your thoughts and photographs with your loving audience and the Chief Grape will find pleasure in some satisfying endeavor. Cheers to you both!
P.S. Any thoughts of AZ in your future?
Keep on writing, Kristi. You are always honest, always fresh and vivid in your descriptions, whether state of mind or heart or, as in this case, the day-to-day busyness that bedevils you and, I would guess, most of your readers. Just keep on gardening! That is always restorative.
Go forward & enjoy the next passage in your life…..Do not look back
except to say to each other- ” job well done “…..and together move
to your next adventure… Life is all about the next stop along the way
Thank you for this thought provoking essay. Good luck with your decisions.
I am reminded of this quote: “When I go out for a walk, there is so much that makes me happy to be alive. Breathing. Not thinking. Observing. I am grateful beyond measure to be part of it all. There are trees. Glorious and consoling. Changing with the seasons. Reminders that all things change. And change again.” Maria Kalman
Dear Kristi, This is just another stage in your lives. It’s good to change although none of us recognise it as that at the time.
Be brave and enjoy the change.
Whatever you do, if you consider carefully….as you do…..life and faith will lead you.
Angela xx
Kristi, we are all getting older, and I certainly appreciate exactly what you are saying. Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and your family at this time. Breathe deeply and pray — all is well. x/o Julia
I love transformation stories that win!! 🙂
No words of wisdom, life just gives us a new day; if we are lucky. Just relax and enjoy the journey. Be thankful you have a new day to look forward too.
Hi Kristi,
I can so relate to your story. Only you and Jean Marc can make your decision and always remember that God is holding you in the palm of his hands. Sometimes circumstances will be a big part of what decision you make. You have to ask yourselves what is important in your lives now and how much work do you want to be doing as you both get older. Do you want to be a slave to your property? We have been asking ourselves the same question. Do you have the means to hire garden/vineyard help? Downsizing is looking better and better to us! :-)…..Maybe having a smaller garden/yard, a smaller house, more time to spend with our families and traveling….etc. I’m thinking of you and Jean Marc as you begin a new chapter in your lives.
Dear Kristi:I have so enjoyed and marveled at so much love and devotion you and Jean Marc gave to each endeavor and I am certain your next move will be the same. Just know I want to follow you into the next chapters with love and prayer. Vivian
I love the picture of you and Smokey! As you know, Kristi, I find myself in a similar place. I am facing big decisions and health issues which have verified the necessity of such decisions. A common thread is that I am no longer in my forties. I don’t have the energy I had ten years ago. I believe no matter where we end up, we’ll find something to love there too. Thank you for sharing your story. I found such a bounty of wisdom in your devoted readers’ comments!
Yes, the tomato tart was delicious!
Oh yes! I so know where you are coming from. We have tried something similar in our late 60’s and it is too much. I hope you can stay in the area or even in your house if you want. Is it possible to rent the “farm” portion to a younger sole and let them do the work for a percentage of the harvest? At least until you can decide what you want to do next.
Kristi and Jean-Marc – I who am new to your blog am astounded at how many people from far and wide who have never met you care so very much and understand so well aspects of your situation. I hope you can both take some strength from this support and esteem. You touch our hearts. Bonne chance.
“Go with the flow” because life is about the journey, not the destination. A new horizon and measured challenge may be just the right thing for Jean-Marc’s wellbeing (and yours as well) . Leaving your ferme – a lifestyle not just a job, must be an exceptionally difficult decision to make. I am near retirement age and would love to leave my job, but I am to risk adverse so I stay to the detriment of my own happiness and health, which then impacts upon those whom I love …… if only I could practice what I preach! Bonne chance.