Four years ago, I thought we had finally put down our anchor–that our grandkids would eat these figs that Smokey and I were harvesting here in the Land of Milk and Honey. Jean-Marc can better give you the reasons for wanting to move. Until then, today's letter answers some of those questions you may be having.
TODAY'S WORD: parvenir à une décision
: to come to a decision
ECOUTEZ – Listen to me pronounce today's word: Download Parvenir-decision
On n'est pas encore parvenu à une décision finale.
We have not yet come to a final decision.
Improve your spoken French. Try Pronounce it Perfectly in French or Exercises in French Phonetics
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE
Ever since Jean-Marc admitted that he no longer had the energy to farm and that he wanted to sell our vineyard and turn the page–and ever since my first reaction (Non!!!) I have been struck by the number of coincidences in favor of a move.
First, our children's response. "This place is too big for you, Mom. You don't want to live all alone up in this secluded area. And Papa is tired…"
Their last point is the only reason I would consider moving. The other points can be argued: our home is 180 square meters, or 1800 square feet. That's not too big, is it? As far as being alone in a secluded area–I'm too busy learning about permaculture–or natural gardening–to notice the downside of too much land. I may also have been too busy to notice how behind I've fallen on weeding. When I look out over the wild garden and see how unruly everything has become…a greater realization comes to mind. Apart from several technical decisions to do with planting the vines, Jean-Marc and I now know what went wrong with our property and our home: we spread ourselves too thin. We never got the help we needed. And we are not in our 30s anymore.
Imagine two middle-aged people stepping out of their hillside farmhouse each morning. Jean-Marc heads down to the vines, spends hours watering amidst the heatwave. I grab my broom and begin emptying the house of so much trekked in dirt. Looking up, I get distracted by the spiderwebs (which somehow make their way back inside each week) until I see an overflowing bowl of kitchen scraps, pick them up and take them up to the orchard and vegetable garden, behind our mas….
There at the base of the forest, my eyes dart left and right, making sure a family of sangliers, or wild pigs with sharp horns, isn't noshing on our saffron ready to charge at me for surprising them all. Coast is clear. I begin to pull weeds, harvesting berries as I go for a "breakfast on the run". I've forgotten my pruning shears, way back at the house, so make a mental note to cut down the overgrown fennel–until I see a tree that desperately needs watering. But Jean-Marc has the main hose….
Off I go to another project, hanging out the laundry. I trek back down the hill, stopping inside the house and trekking in more dirt. Filling the laundry basket, I head back out to the line, and hang it all to dry. My eyes sweep over "Kristi's vineyard," planted on the terrace below my clothesline, by Jean-Marc and Max's friends two years ago. The ground is parched and several vines have shriveled up. I hurry to the house, grab a 10-liter watering can and return to the lower terrace to dart from one thirsty vine to the next. The sweaty effort is a drop in the bucket.
This brings us to our faulty planning and to biting off more than we could ever chew. If we were to start over again, I would have grown my own garden organically–from the front porch outwards. Instead, I have peppers down in Kristi's vineyard, blueberries over by the new deck, and–continuing up to the forest behind the house–a sprawl of other plants and pollinators–everything from avocado trees to honey bees (the hives, located higher up in the forest, are Jean-Marc's project).
My multi-level garden (sounds glorious but imagine a parched hillside) and our old farmhouse keep me busy with spurts of ineffective efforts, in spite of trying different schedules ("water and care for the front yard in the morning–and the back yard in the evening. And, for the farmhouse, thoroughly clean one room each day"). This all looks good on paper until things get into the way (or I get lazy).
A car with German license plates is slowly pulling up our driveway, attracted by the giant sign down by the side of the road ("Wine. Olive oil. Honey. CLOSED"). I already know the question: "Can we buy some honey?" (or wine or olive oil). And my answer still hasn't changed, We're not ready yet. On a bad day I want to scream: Can't you read the sign. FERME. CLOSED! Instead I smile, and watch as the car tries to back out of our driveway, zigzagging back and forth, running over the prickly pear cactus and taking a few branches of lilac with it. A familiar scene that is, when all is said and done, comical to see.
By now the illiterate visitors have mowed down the poor cactus and the lilac is but a shadow of what it once was. More help. Better planning. 30-year-old bodies. What else will it take to change Jean-Marc's mind and convince him to stay here ("The Land of Milk and Honey," as I called it when we moved here four years ago)? I'm no longer sure that convincing my husband is the answer. As for turning the page, Circumstance seems to be doing that for us.
First photo taken before the previous owner restored the mas, or farmhouse. Second photo taken at a wine-tasting here last year, when the lilac was in bloom.
RELATED POSTS: Click on the titles to read the posts
Is Jean-Marc Single? Can I Buy Your Home?
To Come to a Decision: On Turning the Page of our Vineyard dream. (Story here).
Moving to Mexico: To Fly with One's Own Wings. (Story here).
The Previous Move Which Brought us Here to The Sea near Bandol….
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After 26 years in Paris, raising my daughter in an apartment I have worked so hard on, I too am making a decision. Amazing how all signs start pointing. I wonder where you are thinking of going, My dream was Avignon but not sure anymore….first I have to sell.
Wishing you new adventures….
Wow, I understand the getting older and too much work part, but from what you have said of your husband, I wonder if he can be happy without a vineyard. Or would you move to an already established vineyard? I always appreciate your honesty. It is easy for us readers to look at your home and your life and think it seems perfect, but your honesty always reminds us that that there are two sides to everything and that we all need to be content with what we God gives us and not long for what others have. I pray God gives you wisdom as you continue to make your decision,
I was 52 and my children grown when events conspired into a massive life change.Twenty years ago I could never have imagined my glorious life today! My story is in a memoir, Miracle at Midlife: A Transatlantic Romance, that will be published October 25th. I hope it will inspire you both to live with courage and joy and, best of all, integrity! Roni Beth Tower http://www.miracleatmidlife.com
A leap of faith is just that – jump over the obstacles and see where it takes you. That’s what I have done. At this point I am still thrilled that I followed my dream, but I’m enough of a realist to know that dreams can change and what seems grand today may seem too large tomorrow. You are blessed with a wonderful family (and extended family) who supports you and your dreams. You and J-M will be fine no matter where the next chapter takes you. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. Bisous!
Wow, I’m so sad to read of your struggle with your property!! I am about to move from Australia to the Aude region of France and am very glad we have bought a town house with a small garden as that will be more than enough for us in our 50s!!!
Faced as a new beginning, and you are too young to approach it otherwise, this will be yet another glorious opportunity. A challenge of the best sort. Wherever you land you will land on your feet, put down roots and cultivate a new life together. Bonne chance! Ronni
“As for turning the page…circumstances seem to be doing that for us.” Chère Kristi you are in my thoughts and prayers. Circumstances are making decisions for many of us. Whatever the next chapter, it will surely be an adventure. xoxo Cindy
I think life leads us where we need to be led. If we will submit and follow. When we bought our bed and breakfast, many circumstances colluded to make it possible. When it was time to move on 11 years later, we observed things coming together and followed. We now live across the street from one of our daughters and their 3little ones. Just be reflective and open to the universe and you will end up in the right place. Recall his depression earlier. He will find that which satisfies him. I believe this with all my heart.
What a beautiful home you brought back to life. You have the advantage of being prepared to acknowledge those aspects of your life which did not live up to your dreams. I have confidence that you will find a way which incorporates those things that you love, if you wish it.A knowledge and love of wine, for example, can be everything from a memory to a hobby to many different rewarding jobs.You have your writing, your wonderful photos, your style and gift for hospitality. Take a break, then take a decision. You have a couple of wonderful perceptive young adult children on your side also.
I am so sorry that you are leaving your house and vineyards after all the love and care you have given them. But I am sure you are making the right decision. We bought our town house after seeing my parents gradually become isolated and unable to cope with their garden and the drive into town to shop, then slipped into old age and it became too late to change the course of their lives. Although I do sometimes miss living in the countryside, that is balanced by the joys of having time to paint, do yoga, see friends, go walking, lock up, and go and see family. Once you take the leap, I am sure life will present you with ideas and paths will open up for you to try out and take! Come and stay in my studio in Lorgues a few nights and see how it feels to live in a village! We bought it as a temporary measure, having sold our house with its huge garden. Then found we loved living in town, so bought a town house, something we never dreamt we would do. Anyway, sending you all the very best of wishes and bon courage Kristin!
OUFFF, such a lot of work!! How do you manage to keep on writing and letting me live vicariously from far away with all that is on your plate?! I am truly wishing you and Jean Marc much good energy in making your decisions. Thank you for all that you give to many! Take very good care.
Everything will work out. Take your time. You’ll know,
Many of us have had to make decisions like this at some point in our adult lives. The deliberation and limbo, for me, are the most painful aspect of such a major life change. Once you are in motion, you will both feel better. The kids, too. They always understand more than you think (as they point out). God will bless and keep you on the next exciting phase of your journey. Bon courage! Love, Angela and Bill
When we moved from our hometown and a house of thirty five years a friend said to me
“changes keep you young” I kept her quote in my heart to get me through and found
it to be so true.
You love the solitude and the water just not so much work. I get that!! I hope you figure it all out and find the answer that brings you the contentment you deserve. No grandkids yet! – so there’s still time to put your mark on another place or cut back on this lovely mas! All the best, always!
You, in your next venture will, once again, BLOOM where you are planted. I am convinced.
Always looking forward….you are in my thoughts.
All the messages you will receive are not mere platitudes…
Many who are older than you have been through this many times and we know that making (not delaying) the right decision is what makes the brow unwrinkle,
Also, say a “goodbye” as leave each room for the last time…thank it for all the vivid memories that pop into your head…turn …..and feel the house thanking YOU and Jean-Marc for giving it all the love you had when you had the energy to do it. With each house you have LIVED YOUR LIFE’S LESSONS. Much ❤️ and admiration !!!!!!!!!!
Thoughts of change…..more seeds that have been planted and need “water and time”. They will grow and lead you in one direction or another.
Know that you are not alone in this process. As you can see, many of your readers, myself included, are tending to the “garden of change”.
Bon Courage and Bonne Chance!
I, too, am considering a move, and understand the conflict. Roots and history on one side. Property maintenance, health and different desires on the other. Then how to make all things mesh and flow forward. And that is also a difficult part, using all the energy to look forward and not back. My heart goes out to you. Offering prayers up for all of you when I offer them up for my different, but similar, situation. xo
My heart goes out to you both as you make your decisions. My husband & I are in the same situation living in South Africa & planning to move to the UK to run a B&B – an exciting challenge! I wish you all of the very best but please don’t stop your blog, I enjoy reading about your adventures!
Dear Kristi,
I have so much empathy for your struggles with a major life-altering decision, especially when it is the end of a dream. I’m sure this is at the heart of Jean-Marc’s depression and angst; the struggle with giving up what he loves and knows for the reality of what the body can accommodate at this stage and the acceptance of that loss is soul-searing. It comes to all of us but it’s so difficult. Having spoken with a friend yesterday who is dealing with the same issue, it is fresh on my mind. Bob is feeling his age too much to continue in the business he and Julie have built together; he has no reliable help and the past two brutal Houston summers have taken a toll as have the rudeness of customers he strives so hard to please. They grapple with what the next stage of life will look like for them after some difficult past years for reasons of health and economic issues in our area.
You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you move boldly forward into uncharted waters, but waters that will likely prove life-saving and restorative. A small herb garden in a 10×10 raised bed in a metropolitan area works beautifully. 🙂
Amicalement toujours,
Micki
I too love your honesty.I love it.And yes I believe everything will work out for you:)
You have made one decision and are now in the midst of making another one. A difficult time to be sure. I think that once you know where your next adventure will take you you will become energized and prepare for the tasks ahead. Dreams don’t always turn out like we picture them and I am sure JM’s decision was hard fought. You are an amazing loving couple who will find your next bliss and remember the past few years as one step in that direction. Your legions love you, Kristi, and are cheering you on from the sidelines. Don’t forget to take us with you!!!
Depression is awful, but it comes and goes; it must be managed. I have run a seven day a week business since I started it in 1979.
I had many times of anxiety and depression where I just wanted to sell and walk away. But, I didn’t, and it has given me a very interesting life. I did hire the people I needed which allowed the business to grow and become successful. Someone told me when I started that I was not making a job for myself; I was running a business and if I was too busy scrubbing the floors, cooking, or selling wine, I would not be able to see what needed to be done. Why don’t you add a little more automatic watering each year and hire pickers.
Thank you for this post. Your sharing will help you through this difficult time. Accepting the need for change is not easy, but you will find the strength. Best always to you & J-M.
Sometimes, when we face reality and make a decision about our lives,it lifts a heavy weight from our shoulders. I certainly wish you and Jean Marc the very best in whatever you do in the future! May you find relief from any feelings of guilt and depression. May your next adventures be filled with love and joy!
Whatever you and Jean Marc decide to do, it will be okay. You’ve had a challenging but wonderful four years there, and it might be time for a new season. I can only imagine the decision is an emotional one, with many components. And, I’m sure you’re considering all of your options. At some point in the near future, you will know. And, leaving isn’t a failure, if that’s what you chose to do. As much as you both might love your home, without additional help, it will be a continuing struggle. The knowing will come. ❤️
Life marches to the rhythm of “I must begin again.”
A year ago we sold our large home and garden for a smaller house with a city lot to clear the path for me to teach painting in France more often. All my clients and friends here asked how we could possibly give up our wonderful home and garden. My response came impulsively: “The dreams of your forties become the nightmares of your sixties.” We’re at least a decade apart, but it sounds like the same story. Live in the moment and you’ll have no regrets.
Kristi,
Appreciate your honesty so much. I too am facing dramatic changes in my life. I’m reminded of all clichés like there is no constant in life but change. It is true. The unknown is scary. Sometimes I have to look at my own shortcomings and that is hard. I am facing a lot of financial hardships because of decisions and priorities I made earlier in life. But it does not benefit me to look back. I’m finding inspiration from all the comments here. No one lives a life free of adversity… many blessings are also in the mix. I want it to be easy but as most agree here, sometimes it is not. From a book I read many years ago there was a student/mentor scenario presented… the mentor tells the student ‘sometimes you must be in the dark’ and the student asked ‘how long?’ and the spiritual mentor replied ‘until you can see in the dark’… I’m glad I remembered that today. Best to you and yours; follow your inner voices and don’t compare your ‘insides’ to someone else’s ‘outsides’. Blessings to you.
….Dear Kristi and JM…Gerry and I are both 75 and have had so many life adventures which took us all around the world , with two kids. We ..made 18 moves in 55 years of marriage.. that is a lot by anyones measure. Each move was step up the professional ladder for him . He went first, secured our place, and I did the move and ‘mop up’. Each place, like Hong Kong, with a 4 yearly and a 16 year old, was very challenging to say the least! East coast, West Coast,
Hawaii and Alaska..Paris, France, …. each one new and each one an exciting adventure. I learned to ‘bloom where I was planted’ and would not change a minute of our lives together. Our final move was to Tallahassee, for his ‘retirement job’ which lasted 6 years, and allowed us to return to France for a month every two years! the kids seemed to thrive along the way. We think we were born nomads! So many good friends all over the world and so many great memories. We have been lucky in life as well, I beat breast cancer 9 years ago and happily plod along nowadays with a 30% heart. I believe in attitude 24/7! Anything else is self defeating. You two built a great life together there and another life will find you and you will move along to another place and time.. Have faith in yourselves and a little bit of luck and all will be fine… Life is nothing if not one adventure after another.. Carpe Diem, and may God Bless both of
you in million ways… bisons, Judi Dunn.. now in Menerbes, France and loving every single second of it!
Dear, dear Kristin
Your account sounds so much like our eldest daughter, now age 42.. She and her husband have a knack for finding houses that they are attracted to, for many different reasons. They pour their hearts and souls into the project, working on transforming the structure and surroundings into something beautiful. When they realize they bit off more than they can chew, at first they feel they’ve let themselves down, but they move on, sell, and…yes, find another project. To me it shows their creativity, persistence, and idealism. And that’s how I feel about you and Jean Marc. Life is to be enjoyed, so maybe you can scale down your dreams and find something on a smaller scale. Best wishes to you both. I think the before and after pictures of your “mas” are phenomenal!! You are a great team. Sending cyberhugs from Georgia in the U.S.A.
Dear Kristi,
To realize a dream is truly a gift. When that happens, I am convinced it becomes a part of who we are…forever. And as life circumstances change we may need to move on from that dream, savoring it while looking forward to another newness in our lives.
So much beauty emerged from your mas; the regeneration of the olive trees, the creation of the grapevine fields, sweet honey, gardens offering sustenance and glorious color. Yet behind it all, the burden of heavy toiling became evident. The hard part is knowing when to let go.
Reminded of the Serenity Prayer, I am wishing you and Jean-Marc serenity, courage and wisdom….
Go for it Kristi! Your beautiful mas was perhaps “of a time.” You gave it life. Whenever I’ve faced these decisions that have to do with major transitions, I always think of Gail Sheehy’s book “Passages” that I read years ago. Her theory is that we go through developmental stages all through our lives. It’s not just the “terrible twos” or the “tween” years, we humans are constantly evolving, reassessing. And she thinks that about every 5 years we face big questions about our lives. That would put you right in the time frame.
My brother has an expression: “Those who dare, win.” And you and J M have a track record of winning.
Change. Forward movement = life, inspiration, connection. Never doubt what your heart is telling you. xoxo Mary
I can understand how one would become depressed when faced with a seemingly insurmountable task complicated by external forces such as weather. Too much for anyone. There are so many wonderful properties all over southern France, and perhaps if you began looking at them, your imagination might take off in another direction. New purpose: new excitement and planning! Closer to Aix for example…It will all work out, and you may look back and say “we had some wonderful times in the farmhouse, but this is just so much better for all of us.” Somehow things do work out for the best in the long run of things.
We moved from our home to a sailboat! The adventure continues, and the change brings new friends, and a fresh way of thinking!
Live your dream! Bless you both!
I have often wondered why you did not have more free help in your adventure. Perhaps university or technical students earning credit for real life experience, and paying for the privilege. J-M and you have so much experience to share.
Or perhaps the dream has changed as they sometimes do.
Kristi, as many of the others have said, change can be good, and you, Jean-Marc and your family have been working hard to realize your dream of creating the perfect home, vineyard, and garden. To quote your words, “As for turning the page, Circumstance seems to be doing that for us.” I sense (of course, my senses might be completely off) that you and Jean-Marc have already made a decision in your hearts, and although the prospect of a change of lifestyle may seem scary, remember that changes do not have to be permanent. If a change of lifestyle doesn’t work out, there will always be other paths from which to choose. Life is filled with adventures that we may or may not be excited about, but I know one thing: When we surf along with the waves, without trying to fight the current, the experience might be thrilling, but it’s also much calmer and more enjoyable. I will continue to keep you and Jean-Marc in my thoughts.
Every new beginning starts with an ending. Your new beginning is out there waiting for you and you WILL find it. Take care of yourselves and each other. That’s all that really matters…
When faced with many tasks since the death of my husband last year before Thanksgiving,I too well understand maneuvering between projects that lead one away from the plan. Also, does one move or stay. In my eighties with a fairly large house and yard, I have arrived at a realization that a bit of depression has hit. I am with Jules during her corner turning after John’s death. In some ways the new challenges we face force us into decision making we want to avoid.
Run don’t walk, to the new beginning. Love to your family.
Kristin, you mention that you have been struck by a number of coincidences. I remember hearing that a coincidence is a miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous. I like that. So go where He leads. There are many, many parts of this old world that are “the land of milk and honey!” Bloom where you are planted, as someone has said. I do have to say, for what it’s worth, that you both look very young. You still have other dreams ahead of you. Like a garden right out your front porch!
Yes, we understand. We didn’t move to the “farm” that we dreamed of, but our large house and garden look a wee bit tired these days. We did find what to go toward as opposed to what we are leaving. Give that approach a try and I believe you will be fine.
Joie de vivre is hard to come by when every day life tires you out. No matter how much you love a place when it wears you down the love starts to leave. It seems to me that you already know in your heart that it’s time. God leads through all of the circumstances in our lives and He’s there for you now. The right place for the next part of your life will be one that will bring the joie de vivre back into your lives.
Have faith. Everything happens for a reason. You will find your way through this I’m sure, and all of your readers will be with you, cheering you on, no matter what. Be gentle with yourself. Doors close, other doors open. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
Hi Kristi, from reading the other comments several of us are in the “same boat” so to speak. I have had the privilege of meeting you and your family and visiting your wonderful place. Is it possible to sell part of your property, keeping the part that makes you happy and would be more manageable? Lots of decisions are necessary as we “age”and finding what is right for you will take some time. Best of luck to you, Jean Marc, Max, and Jackie. Remember how much your readers care about you.
Simplify! Unburden yourselves! There is something about a child going off to school that changes everything. And it is a natural progression in life❤️ My husband and I had a beautiful garden that was time-consuming and extremely satisfying. Then, ultimately became too much and we weren’t willing to hire someone to keep it up. Empty nesters need change too🤗Bon chance👏🏻
Hi Kristi, I can feel the turbulence all the way over here in Washington! Never fear, you two will come to a good decision, one that works for you both and leads you into whatever lies ahead. I think it’s interesting that with all the things that become easier with the passing years, there are still new curves to be navigated and new challenges that we don’t expect and can’t anticipate. Maybe that just keeps things interesting. Whatever comes next, I’m sure you and Jean-Marc will figure it out, make a beautiful life from it, and continue to find happiness–just not always where you expect it! Take care of yourselves and each other, and please keep us posted.
Aging is such a thief of strength, ambition/motivation, learning, and interest in many of life’s challenges/opportunities; approaching age 90 it is easy to understand your situation. You and Jean-Marc can create many of the best of your years together following your passions and looking forward to becoming grandparents while travelling to endless places in your readings and geographic excursions, meeting interesting people, family, and friends. Whatever you decide, do not forget that you are loved by so many.
I so appreciate your honesty, Kristi. All the life lived in that house – the joys and the frustrations, the many adventures and visitors, the chaos of balancing family and self and a business, the beauty created and nurtured – this is all part of you, Jean-Marc and the kids forevermore. You bring it with you, wherever and whatever comes next. What a wonderful example to your children and to us – to reach, to try, to adapt. You guys are my heroes. I hope your next adventure brings you joy and satisfaction! Bon chance!
We all lived your life vicariously while sitting in our chairs sipping tea or coffee. We were part of your family. But we sensed the fatigue and the heat and the fact that it was no longer fun. We rooted for Mas des Brun, but it was not us putting in the heavy labor and worry. So, time for something new!
Please keep us in your lives, whatever is your next step. Much love and good wishes to you both.