Readers call him anything from "Hunk of Burning Love" to "Chief Grape" (and some other things, read on…). Here is my husband in his vines, at this morning's unofficial harvest. More pictures will be posted, soon, at Instagram (see here).
A SERIOUS WARNING:
Today's story includes sensitive material (and the F word). Please do not be offended or sign off for this transgression. And if I have made a horrible mistake, in this emotional state, please allow a second chance just as you sometimes need one too!
la vendange (von-donzh) noun, feminine
1. grape/wine harvest or vintage; grapes (harvested); grape crop
vendanger (von-don-zhay) verb
1. to pick or to harvest grapes
Comme les vendanges, les amours tardives sont les plus délicieuses. / Like the grape harvest, love gathered late is the most delicious. –Jean Amadou
Listen to my daughter pronounce today's word & quote:
Download vendange.mp3 or Download vendange.wav
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE… by Kristin Espinasse
"Hostile"
In an ideal world, my husband would be married to a vigneron – or at least a woman who drinks wine. She would love the sun, love to travel and thrive on the unexpected.
I was once like that–back when Jean-Marc married me. Lover of wine, sun and travel. They say people don't change. But I did. Partly for the better. Partly for the worse.
Weeks like this one bring out the worst in me. The flurry of the unknown: the wine harvest and the house change-over (we are leaving our home to my brother-in-law and his family on Friday, while we go on vacation. But first, I would like to find all the cobwebs, the rings around the sinks, and the dustbunnies and remove them–along with all our dirty sheets–before my houseguests arrive to spend the day with us…lunch and dinner…and before my husband, our kids, our dog, my husband's bike and I leave them and pile into my brother-in-law's small car (we've sold ours) and drive through the night to the west coast (where we will pass the time until our rental home is available at 4pm (but where will we go for shade, and what will we do with our dog?)
I am nervous about finishing the housework, nervous about what to cook for family, Friday, nervous about the overnight drive (is it safe? Will we stay awake? and Friday's family lunch, dinner what will I make?). Each question is another tick in a time bomb.
Last night I exploded. And every deep-seated fear and insecurity inside of me poured out, onto my equally-riled husband. He was unable, then, to take me into his arms at a time when I needed it the most. (Well, would you hug a volcano? Would a volcano hug a volcano?)
This all reminds me of an upsetting email I received. David writes:
Your 'confession of being a recovering alcoholic seemed to fill in your pattern of hostility, to wit: that JM should change professions to become a winemaker could easily be interpreted by someone in my profession as being the ultimate passive aggressive act against you.
Your ambivalence re: writing your memoir on-line has been interesting to observe. You are 'in the weeds' and you know it, but haven't yet had the insight as to why.
IN THE WEEDS (OR AT LEAST IN THE SHEETS)
When I am done pleading with God, I lie there frozen, wondering. What will happen today?
Of course no one can know what will happen. I did not know, two days ago, that I would find another lump on my dog. I am helpless to change the course of life, but I am capable of standing up for myself and for others while innocents fall.
WARNING: HERE IS THE SENSITIVE PART
I will begin by answering David's email. And I am sincerely sorry, Dear Reader, if the following words offend you as they do me (and I pray my Aunt–or anyone she knows–is not reading):
FUCK YOU! You don't know my husband, or me, or my family.
Kristin
I was supposed to write about our unofficial grape harvest. But all of this was ticking inside of me. Everything is okay now. And if you were driving past our vineyard early this morning, amidst the leafy vines laden with grapes, you saw a man and a woman in a deep embrace:
"Désolé pour hier soir."
xoxo
Kristi
(not hostile. Only human)
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Good on you Kristen. That person is not worth a moment’s worry or concern. Have a wonderful vacation, do not dwell on it ever again, and we will send warm thoughts and prayers to all of you, especially Smokey.
Kirstin, I sat down yesterday in a coffee shop, with a few minutes to spare before my next meeting, and as I often do I opened your blog.
I have followed French Word a Day for years. Initially it was a way to keep up with my French. I’m not a great fan of social media. But something about you drew me in.
Your writing style, your beautiful photographs the very essence of yourself, your family and your life was laid out for me and I was beguiled by it all.
Your blog has enriched many dull moments. I have a house in France but the majority of the time I cannot be there. So to see your snippets of French life transports me from the dreary hum drum to somewhere that I would like to be. I suspect many of your readers feel the same. Some of them might feel a niggling, destructive sort of envy others, like me, are uplifted by your words.
It was with shock that I read your last post. I felt such a deep sympathy with you. We are women of a similar age and at a similar stage in our lives. I know a lot about you. You know nothing about me, except I can tell you this. Everything you have written resonates with me. I want the best possible outcome for you and your husband. This is a vulnerable stage for us both. We may act a little out of character but it will pass. This middle stage of life has been a shock to me, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional upheaval, the trauma the anxiety. I do believe that it will pass and my equilibrium will be restored.
You have shared so much, may I pass on this quote to you:-
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
All your readers have been granted, by you, a window into your soul. Take care. Measure what you reveal, trust those closest to you, like your husband, to offer honest support.
Your hurt was palpable to me when I read your words.
May I add that I think you are a writer. I think you might take all your ability and experiences and turn them into a novel. It is far more difficult and time consuming than a memoir but I think in the final analysis it would be best for you. And you can do it!
Thank you for the way you have enriched my life, and my French vocabulary.
God Bless you and yours,
Ali
How judgmental! Gotta feel sorry for him!
What an asshole David is! Enjoy your vacation with your wonderful family. Please keep sharing your life with your ups and downs. You’ll never know how inspirational you are. Sorry to hear about another lump on Smokey. Wishing Smokey a good long life!
Dear Kristin,
So many of the thoughts you express make me feel ‘normal’; feelings I may have and not be able to identify as easily and eloquently as you do in some cases, and others where your words resonate exactly with how I would handle things. Your humanity and relatability is what we love most and inspires us the most deeply.
Warm thoughts with you all on your vacation, and big hugs to Smokey!
Chapeau Kristen !
Je lis tous vos courriels et c’est toujours une plaisir de faire ca. Cette fois-ci, avec David… dans un mot… Parfaite !!! C’est bien dire.
Merci infiniment d’avoir partage votre vie en France avec tout. C’est super !
Tom M
The best way to respond to people like David is Not to respond.
Just ignore and forget.
Mohsen Badawy
Cairo,Egypt
Dear Kristin,
Please add my name to the throng of readers who admire, respect and care for you and were offended not only by what David wrote but by the fact that he presumed to have some right to delve into such matters with you. By doing what he did, David revealed himself to be a person without insight or sensitivity.
The photograph of wonderful Smokey is priceless, and I am sending him bisous. Have a wonderful vacation, Leslie
There are times in life when certain words are perfect ones! Your reply to David was the perfect use of the perfect word: which can act as a noun, verb, adjective. Three cheers to you for using it as it is totally meant to be used. And eveyone of us who supports you should say to David “ditto, ditto, ditto!”
Well said Kristin!
Give the beautiful Smokey a pat from me.
What David sees as hostility I see as a cute everyday reality in a family’s life, and your profiting from ‘artistic license’ to make your posts so much fun and so readable. You sweet woman, you should not have to suffer thus!
As a life and motivational coach, I adjust my language and teachings according to the recipients/clients — some of them have heard me say: Do your best, and *U*K the rest ;)!! Oh, here’s that word again ;)… LOL
Bisous,
Kiki
Bravo bravo bravo!!!!!
Chèfe Kristen.
All of your readers here are so well-spoken. And their affection for you shines through. David is in the least a jerk, but if truly practicing psychology a dangerous man who could create much misery with his smarmy hostility. Your blog brings sweetness, tenderness, love, light, and understanding to our world. Continue and grow and be blessed.
Beautifully said, Tom! I echo these thoughts and words, Kristin! Judi (Lake Balboa)
Self righteous bastard……go forth and multiply indeed!
Dear Christine,
you have always only come across as a sweet lady with great taste and a zest for life.
I must admit I don’t always read your full blog. Even so I have never sensed any resentment from you towards your husband or anyone in particular. It seems to me that you love him deeply and adore your way of life together.
Life is stressful at best and we all react according to our human natures too often. You both did the right thing to make up and apologise and can only learn valuable lessons from the experience.
Put Dave to rest…your life is public by your own choice – expect the odd unsympathetic reaction.
And now I want to say how sad I was to learn of the passing of Breizh. She was one lovely dog.
Greetings, Lynn.
sorry – I meant Kristen, Lynn.
Hi Kristin, it’s like most of your readers say, your blog is something I enjoy, Reading. Their are aways some that are jealous, with low self esteem. Stay true to your self and beliefs. Marian
Enjoy your vacation and I look forward to hearing about it and enjoying your photos. 🙂
Kristen – you rock! Like you even more now! Go girl!
Brava, Kristin! Et bonnes vacances
Shake it off as the young girls say….you and your husband only know what is going on. I do want to comment about the photo. Your husbands arm looks like a wine vine…..what do you think. Be strong and don’t be ashamed to be angry. You have that right. Corky
I guess when you write about your feelings, hopes and dreams, opening up yourself and your life — often with a fair amount of trepidation in the telling — you become a bit vulnerable to whatever armchair therapist wants to practice analysis while he picks up a few French phrases.
Anyone married more than half an hour can verify that nobody knows what goes on in a marriage except the two people in it, and even they don’t always understand.
Anyone married more than half an hour and not yet canonized has probably called her husband a jerk under her breath and/or has been a jerk to her husband albeit now relieved she didn’t put it out there for public comment.
Anybody who doesn’t get it? Fuck him.
Your response couldn’t have been better. Short. To the point.
No one ever knows the intimate details of anyone else’s relationship. David doesn’t know anything.
This is your canvas, paint it as you will, and we are here to view the beautiful (and summarized) reality of life, with all of it’s hots & colds. Whatever you choose to share, we are here to enjoy.
Poor David. Let’s pity him, as he has put himself in a position to be so.
You rock, Kristi, girl! Keep bringing it on and keeping real!
Love to you from Half Moon Bay, CA
Annie
i had no idea. je t’embrasse très fort.
Having read your blog for years, I long ago decided you are a real sweetheart and that anyone who was lucky enough to marry you must be an ok guy! I’m a retired Lutheran bishop (not of the cranky bunch, however) who got elected to that position without being consulted. So when difficult congregations and clergy would get too much for me, I’d dig up a few of those Psalms that ask God just what the F. . . is going on and say, shaking my fist in the general direction of heaven (wherever that is), “You got me into this! How are we going to get out of it together?” Keep the faith and keep on trucking! Harold
Kristin,
I had to laugh out loud when I read your reply. The curious thing for me is why did David keep on reading, and reading… for several years? My goodness, when I feel that strongly about something I turn the TV off or find something else to read! I rather suspect David isn’t married, and that’s why he finds it difficult to relate. I cheer when you let your hair down and tell it like it is!
Please enjoy every minute of your vacation and don’t water those weeds!
Good for you! Your reply to David was simply perfect.
Bravo!
Dear Kristi,
From one neurotic to another: The first step is accepting yourself and others exactly as they are. For me what has been very helpful is meditation. Check out Pema Chodron. I think you will enjoy the wisdom she passes on as well as her humanity and humor.
I enjoy your blog and appreciate your vulnerability.
The French vocab is good too.
Big hug,
Karen
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍😏 Good on you Kristin. David is an eejit as we Irish say.
That fellow…David, needs major counseling himself. I would have responded to him, exactly the same way you did. You are an amazing person, beautiful inside/out.
You have more readers who enjoy your blog than JERKS like him full of
resentments and hate..
Marti
Sometimes the best answer is concise. (Smiling) Best wishes always to you and everyone in your family. Coming in on this post ten days later and reading through the responses has been an entertaining start to my day.
Kristin,
I have been reading your blog for years, and I have always seen your love for your husband and kids. I love the humor! Don’t pay attention to people like David. He’s not worth worrying about.
Sandy
One can only speculate on what David thought his comments would accomplish. Clearly presented in such a hostile and critical fashion, they could not have been intended to be helpful or supportive. David has apparently read enough of your blog to understand what you care about, what you might be sensitive about, and who you love. Most of us who have followed your comments see you as a real person with strengths and weaknesses – this is what allows your readers to feel that you could be one of our close friends, even though/if we have never met in person. The fondness expressed to you in readers comments might be the source of jealousy for someone who is emotionally limited.
Thank you for sharing your unique experiences with us. Please continue.
I just happened to pop by..
LOVE your response.
In my next life..I will answer like that.
Affreux ce courriel que vous avez eu.
Courage..you are so loved..
Have been away so am late reading “Hostile”. For heaven’s sake do not stop what you do so well. You make us feel that your whole family are personal friends and that is a treasure of immense wealth.
Wow, I’m horrified at what he said to you! Don’t know where to start, there are so many thoughts that raced through my mind. How presumptuous and your reply was the only suitable one, really. Much love
Dear Kristi,
David was acting like a jerk. I hope he learns something from this experience, but if not, it is his loss.
There is nothing hostile about a person quitting drinking – it is something you do for yourself, for your health, and for your life.
Your readers can clearly see the affection you have for Jean-Marc, your children, the pets, and the rest of the family. That is probably why we have been loyally following you (some of us for years and years!).
Reading your blog over these last few years, I have detected nothing less than your sincere love for the “Chief Grape”. How very fortunate are you, your children, and your parade of loyal dogs to have such a man in your life. He inspires me to be a better husband and father.
We recently returned from France with friends. A few of those days were spent with our friend’s mother and stepfather, both therapists. Both with boundary issues, sadly I know this from experience. We were returning from a wonderful wine tasting with a vigneron, when I overhear them both creating an elaborate story/psych profile about this vigneron, her motives, her life, her husband’s life which I won’t repeat. I had about had it, and turned around in my front seat of the van, shot them a look and said, “Oh, so now we’re psychologizing the vigneron?” which they took as an invitation to further share, stunningly oblivious to how the message was intended.
None of it was real, none of it could be proven to be true in that moment, so it was essentially fiction, a spun confection of masturbatory opinion and ego. I’m reminded of Byron Katie and The Work’s first question: Is it true? Additionally, as it wasn’t positive, it was unkind and a veiled, gray form of violence.
I laud and appreciate your choice to write about what was up for you versus what you scheduled in your head to write. To be transparent and openhearted. In light of fabrication and gray violence, your response is concise. It will not be tolerated. I hope David reads these comments and recognizes who really is hostile.
My story doesn’t end well. My husband and I purchased a fantastic bottle of wine at that vineyard (already highly Parker rated); not available in the States. We shared with our friends how we were going to bring it home, cellar it for a couple years and then enjoy it, remembering our time with the vigneron, a smart, lovely woman and the excellent time we had in France.
One of the therapists, a functional alcoholic (sadly I know this from experience), took our bottle and drank it all without our consent.
I hope you’re enjoying your vacation. Savor!
Wow! I am late to the party (as usual) but why does he even read your blog? I began reading it because I love the French language, their culture, and the country. I read it now because I like you and your life. Its nice to hear about it. What a lonely person he must be to take the time to read a blog from a person he obviously doesn’t respect. Feel sorry for him because you and your family have many blessings and you realize that. Thats all that matters.
Darn. I thought I was going to finally learn the word in French! Silly me.
I missed this powerful entry and its superb comments five years ago in ’15, Kristi, when holidaying away from computers. Today, July 1/20 — La Fête du Canada, as it happens — following the newest 2020 chapter of The Lost Gardens, JM’s ‘Moving Mountains’, I’ve been revisiting your FWaD pieces of summer 2015.
Bowled over to catch up with your Espinasse-family turning points of that season — traumatic sea-incident and traumatic intrusiveness of a spiritually-impoverished ‘eejit’ reader’s projections. (Hope your apt D-response led him to face his Shadow and seek growth.)
Both those past shocks are so fresh and vivid in your words, that it’s with huge relief I reflect upon how well we’ve all weathered all our changes into our pandemic times of 2020 — and onward too say I with an admiring hug and a wry smile of recognition. Blessed be THIS moment, where we always have our precious being.
I am enriched always through your words shared within our holding circle here. Today, these ones about the secret briefly held back hit me spot-on: in response to the defensive words of family that, “Tu es emotive …”, you pointed out, “Yes, emotional. But with the strength to lift every lead-heavy hurt off of your heart for the rest of eternity. And that adds up to a ton of relief. So please accept it next time!” Brilliant and profoundly true true true.
YIKES!! Inner censor made me fingies goof — ‘your apt F-response’, please.