How to get to the heart of a matter? Begin randomly. Keep going till you've peeled back all the layers. Pseudo demonstration below.
coupable (koo-pahbl)
: guilty
se sentir coupable = to feel guilty
Audio File: Listen to Jean-Marc: Download MP3 or Wav file
La décision de placer la personne dans un établissement de soins est l’une des plus difficiles à prendre. Vous pouvez vous sentir coupable et juger que vous n’avez pas été à la hauteur pour prendre soin d’elle…. et vous pouvez avoir l’impression de l’abandonner. The decision to place the person in a care facility is one of the most difficult to make. You might feel guilty, that you haven't been skilled enough to take care of her… and you may have the impression of abandoning her.
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE … by Kristin Espinasse
"Random Things"
– Searching the glove pile, Jean-Marc and Max could not find matching pairs for this morning's chores. Le côté positif? Missing gants = many completed vineyard projects.
– Not counting spam, there are 733 unanswered emails in my inbox. Mea culpa.
– We now have a nifty net, or filet, catching all those figs that once bit the dust on our pétanque court. Bonjour La Tarte aux Figues!
– Changed mind and chose all of you for the ALS Icebucket Challenge.
– That cute wildlife visitor that appeared at the open window? The one with the adorable wrinkling nose? On closer look it was a giant rat!
– Il faut changer de lunettes. Time to change glasses.
– Email bankruptcy exists.
– Jackie's been gone a total of five weeks and two days this summer.
– Cleaning out my nightstand, found daughter's music box. Pulled the string.
– Mementos are the least filthy and take the longest to clean.
– Buying a pomegranate tree on a whim is better than "a new shoes whim."
– Do women justify more than men?
- Cette liste est ennuyeuse? Is this list boring?
– My mother-in-law's been in three care facilities since July 7th.
– In the beginning, I visited her often.
– Lately, less and less.
– (Çela fait huit jours…)
– I could go today…
– Bring her a magnificent pomegranate.
– Tell her
– Je t'aime
* * *
Braise knows a secret. Sometimes, when no glove matches are to be found, the guys wear the flowery ones.
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Lists & snippets are fine during times of duress. They still give an accurate picture of life as it is truly lived. Since there had been no recent updates on Michele-France, she had bee in my thoughts lately. Maybe when you visit you could do some patterning exercises with her, the first step to getting those muscles working again. Brahms’ Lullaby is so soothing that perhaps she would appreciate a music box filled with memories. Everybody & everything seems to be pulling at your heartstrings lately. We all go through times like that. Keep the faith. You are doing fine.
In the middle of the night I nearly opened a window to let in a raccoon on my roof thinking it was the cat.
Bad heart means I can’t accept your ice bucket challenge, but I can donate.
Lots of comings & goings in your house lately. And some lovely dinner parties.
Always happy my work gloves snap together.
Hugs!
Lists & snippets are fine during times of duress. They still give an accurate picture of life as it is truly lived. Since there had been no recent updates on Michele-France, she had bee in my thoughts lately. Maybe when you visit you could do some patterning exercises with her, the first step to getting those muscles working again. Brahms’ Lullaby is so soothing that perhaps she would appreciate a music box filled with memories. Everybody & everything seems to be pulling at your heartstrings lately. We all go through times like that. Keep the faith. You are doing fine.
In the middle of the night I nearly opened a window to let in a raccoon on my roof thinking it was the cat.
Bad heart means I can’t accept your ice bucket challenge, but I can donate.
Lots of comings & goings in your house lately. And some lovely dinner parties.
Always happy my work gloves snap together.
Hugs!
I agree with Barb – go visit your belle mere and take the music box. My mother forgot I was there after I left but she was always happy to see me and I know I went. Take her a pom or a flower – she will love it all. And please tell her we all say hello/bonjour.
I agree with Barb – go visit your belle mere and take the music box. My mother forgot I was there after I left but she was always happy to see me and I know I went. Take her a pom or a flower – she will love it all. And please tell her we all say hello/bonjour.
Kristen, sorry to hear about your mother-in-law’s recent health challenges.
I have lifted up your mother-in-law’s needs in prayer. I do not know your mother-in-law and her needs – but God does.
Additionally, I completed your ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with my wife’s assistance. Let’s just say that my voice went up a higher than a guys should when the cold water hit! Eh heh, I will not be sharing that video! I also nominated my daughter to take the challenge.
Thanks for teaching me a few more French words today.
Kristen, sorry to hear about your mother-in-law’s recent health challenges.
I have lifted up your mother-in-law’s needs in prayer. I do not know your mother-in-law and her needs – but God does.
Additionally, I completed your ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with my wife’s assistance. Let’s just say that my voice went up a higher than a guys should when the cold water hit! Eh heh, I will not be sharing that video! I also nominated my daughter to take the challenge.
Thanks for teaching me a few more French words today.
Our dear Kristi,
Another beautiful and touching post.We are so fortunate to participate in your life, especially when we see meaningful parts of our own (in my case,younger days) reflected there.
We were caregivers to my belle mere.It was very challenging but we’d always had a close relationship and I remember her speaking of how she cherished of her belle mere and her parents and did the best she could.This later gave me enormous comfort because she had travelled a similar road with the same feelings and understanding. .
Believe me,your dear Michele-France in her heart completely understands all and everything.Remember how she told you to go on and enjoy your day and bring her some macaroons next time?
The last thing she would wish for you is to worry about her.Perhaps she also traversed this path with her mom and belle mere.I almost think it is a rite of passage….. I just hope I draw from their example with courage and love.
You both are in my prayers.I know God will lead the way.
Love
Natalia XO
Our dear Kristi,
Another beautiful and touching post.We are so fortunate to participate in your life, especially when we see meaningful parts of our own (in my case,younger days) reflected there.
We were caregivers to my belle mere.It was very challenging but we’d always had a close relationship and I remember her speaking of how she cherished of her belle mere and her parents and did the best she could.This later gave me enormous comfort because she had travelled a similar road with the same feelings and understanding. .
Believe me,your dear Michele-France in her heart completely understands all and everything.Remember how she told you to go on and enjoy your day and bring her some macaroons next time?
The last thing she would wish for you is to worry about her.Perhaps she also traversed this path with her mom and belle mere.I almost think it is a rite of passage….. I just hope I draw from their example with courage and love.
You both are in my prayers.I know God will lead the way.
Love
Natalia XO
Sad but true == the more you two visit, the better your mother-in-law is likely to do. The elders seem to need our energy, our spark, to “jump start” them. I always hoped I could get my 3-time-a-week visits to my mother down to twice or even once… Never happened. I needed to know the staff, or more importantly to have them know me (and SEE me frequently), to be sure my mom was getting good care. I bribed them with bowls of candy or homemade cookies… Is there any place your mother-in-law could live that is quite close to you, to make visiting easier? I drove 45 minutes or so, but that’s nothing compared to the drive to Marseille that you described. Over the 6 years my mother was in care facilities in Vermont, I got to know her as a whole other person from the Mom I thought I knew. All those stories I’d never heard! Now, even 10 years after her death, I sometimes long to turn north when I leave home, to drive up and take her out for hot chocolate, to talk and laugh…
Sad but true == the more you two visit, the better your mother-in-law is likely to do. The elders seem to need our energy, our spark, to “jump start” them. I always hoped I could get my 3-time-a-week visits to my mother down to twice or even once… Never happened. I needed to know the staff, or more importantly to have them know me (and SEE me frequently), to be sure my mom was getting good care. I bribed them with bowls of candy or homemade cookies… Is there any place your mother-in-law could live that is quite close to you, to make visiting easier? I drove 45 minutes or so, but that’s nothing compared to the drive to Marseille that you described. Over the 6 years my mother was in care facilities in Vermont, I got to know her as a whole other person from the Mom I thought I knew. All those stories I’d never heard! Now, even 10 years after her death, I sometimes long to turn north when I leave home, to drive up and take her out for hot chocolate, to talk and laugh…
Such sweet and meaningful thoughts from Natalia, reflecting a place in life that comes to us at a certain age. And the other readers, all with their own poignant stories about their beloved parents. Many of them have brought tears to my eyes…
Michele-France has a challenge ahead. But based on what you have described as her sense of humor and what seems to be a pretty strong character, I have a feeling that she can overcome her present circumstances… it will just take time. The Mother’s Day story you posted when she offered Jean-Marc a belated birthday present was very touching… thinking of her son before herself. How to use that part of who she seems to be to motivate her recovery….perhaps the picture you posted of her and Jean-Marc could inspire her. It certainly inspires me… a mother’s love …what compares to that?
Keeping Michele-France in our thoughts and prayers ~
Such sweet and meaningful thoughts from Natalia, reflecting a place in life that comes to us at a certain age. And the other readers, all with their own poignant stories about their beloved parents. Many of them have brought tears to my eyes…
Michele-France has a challenge ahead. But based on what you have described as her sense of humor and what seems to be a pretty strong character, I have a feeling that she can overcome her present circumstances… it will just take time. The Mother’s Day story you posted when she offered Jean-Marc a belated birthday present was very touching… thinking of her son before herself. How to use that part of who she seems to be to motivate her recovery….perhaps the picture you posted of her and Jean-Marc could inspire her. It certainly inspires me… a mother’s love …what compares to that?
Keeping Michele-France in our thoughts and prayers ~
Dear Kristin,
I send you my best wishes for Michele-France. Do enjoy talking to her whether conscious or not as they told us when my mother was failing that a loved one hears us even tho’ they may not be able to respond. Glad to hear, though, that she is sharp as a tack!
And if you should get a chance later on to post a pic of the fig catcher, I would love to see it.
Made a donation to ALS, but may opt out of the ice bucket. 🙂
Dear Kristin,
I send you my best wishes for Michele-France. Do enjoy talking to her whether conscious or not as they told us when my mother was failing that a loved one hears us even tho’ they may not be able to respond. Glad to hear, though, that she is sharp as a tack!
And if you should get a chance later on to post a pic of the fig catcher, I would love to see it.
Made a donation to ALS, but may opt out of the ice bucket. 🙂
I have been battling my guilt genes all my life. I never saw any good come of it with my mother, so I don’t want to carry it on. You love your MIL and she knows it. If you aim for one visit every week to week and a half for however long you have she will understand that the rest of the time you’re trying to keep all your balls in the air on the other day. Perhaps you could write her a note when you can’t come. Or print out one of your lovely photographs and scribble a line on the back (you could even do this when you visit so you’d have something to leave behind).
As for the e-mails, you don’t want to know how many I have. I can’t do the bankruptcy thing so I play the E-mail Game http://emailga.me/
Each day you just do what you can do. Cheers!
I have been battling my guilt genes all my life. I never saw any good come of it with my mother, so I don’t want to carry it on. You love your MIL and she knows it. If you aim for one visit every week to week and a half for however long you have she will understand that the rest of the time you’re trying to keep all your balls in the air on the other day. Perhaps you could write her a note when you can’t come. Or print out one of your lovely photographs and scribble a line on the back (you could even do this when you visit so you’d have something to leave behind).
As for the e-mails, you don’t want to know how many I have. I can’t do the bankruptcy thing so I play the E-mail Game http://emailga.me/
Each day you just do what you can do. Cheers!
Hi Kristen, I hope you will visit your belle-mere as often as you can manage it. Years ago, when my mother-in-law was in a nursing home (only a 10 mile drive)I visited several times a week. She was so appreciative…told me I would “have a star in my crown,” someday. Skipping ahead 30 years, my husband had Alzheimer’s, and after 5 years at home, my daughter and I could no longer care for him. Fortunately we found a care facility about 5 miles away. We went every day, one for lunch, and one for dinner, because he could not feed himself. My sons, too, went as often as they could. He is gone now, but we will never regret the time spent with him, and we have no guilt, knowing we did all we could.
I suggest you write one blog a week; you have to take care of yourself and your family, and your garden!
Hi Kristen, I hope you will visit your belle-mere as often as you can manage it. Years ago, when my mother-in-law was in a nursing home (only a 10 mile drive)I visited several times a week. She was so appreciative…told me I would “have a star in my crown,” someday. Skipping ahead 30 years, my husband had Alzheimer’s, and after 5 years at home, my daughter and I could no longer care for him. Fortunately we found a care facility about 5 miles away. We went every day, one for lunch, and one for dinner, because he could not feed himself. My sons, too, went as often as they could. He is gone now, but we will never regret the time spent with him, and we have no guilt, knowing we did all we could.
I suggest you write one blog a week; you have to take care of yourself and your family, and your garden!
Oh, the fear of moving when moving is essential to regaining muscle strength. I have been in that place, not quite as extreme but the fear I know. For me, it was a physical therapist with me who pulled me past the fear.
I had not understood what had hit me, flattened me, so I was afraid to move because I might start that enormous pain again. Not rational, but fear is not always rational. Slowly, in very small steps, my bravery returned as my focus was put on the future and not the still mysterious reason for the pain — and very practical small steps that I could do safely. I do hope your belle-mere can cross that bridge, too.
Oh, the fear of moving when moving is essential to regaining muscle strength. I have been in that place, not quite as extreme but the fear I know. For me, it was a physical therapist with me who pulled me past the fear.
I had not understood what had hit me, flattened me, so I was afraid to move because I might start that enormous pain again. Not rational, but fear is not always rational. Slowly, in very small steps, my bravery returned as my focus was put on the future and not the still mysterious reason for the pain — and very practical small steps that I could do safely. I do hope your belle-mere can cross that bridge, too.
We only can do what we can manage. You must take care of yourself during these stress filled days. Your ability to take time for yourself will give you energy for helping others. Even compassion and understanding take emotional energy. Sometimes we need the help of others to manage the stress. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Remember you are helping keep the “boat” afloat. If you break down things will only get worse. I feel like I am talking to myself…giving myself advice during my own stressful time. My favorite saying is, “be gentle with yourself”. Hope this helps.
We only can do what we can manage. You must take care of yourself during these stress filled days. Your ability to take time for yourself will give you energy for helping others. Even compassion and understanding take emotional energy. Sometimes we need the help of others to manage the stress. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Remember you are helping keep the “boat” afloat. If you break down things will only get worse. I feel like I am talking to myself…giving myself advice during my own stressful time. My favorite saying is, “be gentle with yourself”. Hope this helps.
Chere Kristi,
As you can see, a lot of us can empathize with you as we’ve been there. The day my mother died, we were on the way home from the dentist’s and I told my husband we should stop by and see Mother. It was right on the way home. I sensed she was fading fast and talked to her and reassured her that God was looking forward to her coming home and she would see all her family and hear beautiful music, and I talked for about 20 minutes to someone who seemed unaware of our presence. She was 90 years old and had been in the facility for 5 years. The phone rang about 15 minutes after we got home. The nurse said that Mother had passed away. I will always give thanks for stopping by that day because I will treasure that last visit forever.
Don’t feel guilty when you don’t go, but make time to go often so you don’t miss that last journey with her. You are blessed to have her in your life. Don’t sweat the emails. Just keep on loving your family.
Chere Kristi,
As you can see, a lot of us can empathize with you as we’ve been there. The day my mother died, we were on the way home from the dentist’s and I told my husband we should stop by and see Mother. It was right on the way home. I sensed she was fading fast and talked to her and reassured her that God was looking forward to her coming home and she would see all her family and hear beautiful music, and I talked for about 20 minutes to someone who seemed unaware of our presence. She was 90 years old and had been in the facility for 5 years. The phone rang about 15 minutes after we got home. The nurse said that Mother had passed away. I will always give thanks for stopping by that day because I will treasure that last visit forever.
Don’t feel guilty when you don’t go, but make time to go often so you don’t miss that last journey with her. You are blessed to have her in your life. Don’t sweat the emails. Just keep on loving your family.
This is exactly how my entire summer has been! June, new granddaughter is born, the other two grandchildren (ages 4 and 1) spent a week with us. July, husband starts remodeling kitchen and mother is put in a rehab facility. August was company twice, car’s transmission broke, and I was sick for two weeks. I was going to say, “Really looking forward to September.” but I am just going to leave it at that.
This is exactly how my entire summer has been! June, new granddaughter is born, the other two grandchildren (ages 4 and 1) spent a week with us. July, husband starts remodeling kitchen and mother is put in a rehab facility. August was company twice, car’s transmission broke, and I was sick for two weeks. I was going to say, “Really looking forward to September.” but I am just going to leave it at that.
Kristin,
Our prayers are with Michele-France. My mother, who has a in-law next to us, has fallen quite often, but she has a pendant that she where’s to summon help. She has bones as strong as an ox,as she likes to say.
I hope that M-F gets over her fear of falling.
It sounds like you are doing the best that you can and I am sure that she knows that you care and will help in any way. Please realize that you can’t be every where and do every thing for every body.
Bon chance
Kathleen
Kristin,
Our prayers are with Michele-France. My mother, who has a in-law next to us, has fallen quite often, but she has a pendant that she where’s to summon help. She has bones as strong as an ox,as she likes to say.
I hope that M-F gets over her fear of falling.
It sounds like you are doing the best that you can and I am sure that she knows that you care and will help in any way. Please realize that you can’t be every where and do every thing for every body.
Bon chance
Kathleen
Kristin, I understand what you are going through right now because I took care of my father, mother, and both in- laws as long as it was humanly possible. Too long, as it worked out… Due to extreme exhaustion, I fell taking my mother in law to the bathroom, breaking two toes and snapping my spine and dislodging a meniscus from its proper place in my jaw. She was fine, but I ate through a straw for three months and had to go to a special pain clinic for them to discover the problem and straighten me out! So, dear, it is good to analyze our capabilities with humility. Many caregiving situations call for experienced help. Do not listen to people who see only their needs at a time when you are stressed as you are. Stay communicating with those who are positive and understanding.
So glad you had a good visit with Michelle-France. Please ask her threrapist if you can get her warm water therapy instead. The patient is put into a warm pool, and without the stress of gravity or the threat of a fall, they can gently be restored by a competent therapist!
Warm hugs for all.
Kristin, I understand what you are going through right now because I took care of my father, mother, and both in- laws as long as it was humanly possible. Too long, as it worked out… Due to extreme exhaustion, I fell taking my mother in law to the bathroom, breaking two toes and snapping my spine and dislodging a meniscus from its proper place in my jaw. She was fine, but I ate through a straw for three months and had to go to a special pain clinic for them to discover the problem and straighten me out! So, dear, it is good to analyze our capabilities with humility. Many caregiving situations call for experienced help. Do not listen to people who see only their needs at a time when you are stressed as you are. Stay communicating with those who are positive and understanding.
So glad you had a good visit with Michelle-France. Please ask her threrapist if you can get her warm water therapy instead. The patient is put into a warm pool, and without the stress of gravity or the threat of a fall, they can gently be restored by a competent therapist!
Warm hugs for all.