How to get to the heart of a matter? Begin randomly. Keep going till you've peeled back all the layers. Pseudo demonstration below.
coupable (koo-pahbl)
: guilty
se sentir coupable = to feel guilty
Audio File: Listen to Jean-Marc: Download MP3 or Wav file
La décision de placer la personne dans un établissement de soins est l’une des plus difficiles à prendre. Vous pouvez vous sentir coupable et juger que vous n’avez pas été à la hauteur pour prendre soin d’elle…. et vous pouvez avoir l’impression de l’abandonner. The decision to place the person in a care facility is one of the most difficult to make. You might feel guilty, that you haven't been skilled enough to take care of her… and you may have the impression of abandoning her.
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE … by Kristin Espinasse
"Random Things"
– Searching the glove pile, Jean-Marc and Max could not find matching pairs for this morning's chores. Le côté positif? Missing gants = many completed vineyard projects.
– Not counting spam, there are 733 unanswered emails in my inbox. Mea culpa.
– We now have a nifty net, or filet, catching all those figs that once bit the dust on our pétanque court. Bonjour La Tarte aux Figues!
– Changed mind and chose all of you for the ALS Icebucket Challenge.
– That cute wildlife visitor that appeared at the open window? The one with the adorable wrinkling nose? On closer look it was a giant rat!
– Il faut changer de lunettes. Time to change glasses.
– Email bankruptcy exists.
– Jackie's been gone a total of five weeks and two days this summer.
– Cleaning out my nightstand, found daughter's music box. Pulled the string.
– Mementos are the least filthy and take the longest to clean.
– Buying a pomegranate tree on a whim is better than "a new shoes whim."
– Do women justify more than men?
- Cette liste est ennuyeuse? Is this list boring?
– My mother-in-law's been in three care facilities since July 7th.
– In the beginning, I visited her often.
– Lately, less and less.
– (Çela fait huit jours…)
– I could go today…
– Bring her a magnificent pomegranate.
– Tell her
– Je t'aime
* * *
Braise knows a secret. Sometimes, when no glove matches are to be found, the guys wear the flowery ones.
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Hi Kristin,
Sounds like your mind is a whir with thoughts today. Maybe make a nice trip with Jean-Marc to visit your mother-in-law together. Maybe set a certain day or two a month to go by and cheer her up. How is she doing? I haven’t had to go through thinking about placing a loved one in a care facility. I know it is a hard decision but sometimes for the best. Your 5th random thing reminded me of a funny commercial
http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7T7b/sears-racoon
Hi Kristin,
Sounds like your mind is a whir with thoughts today. Maybe make a nice trip with Jean-Marc to visit your mother-in-law together. Maybe set a certain day or two a month to go by and cheer her up. How is she doing? I haven’t had to go through thinking about placing a loved one in a care facility. I know it is a hard decision but sometimes for the best. Your 5th random thing reminded me of a funny commercial
http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7T7b/sears-racoon
Go visit your mother-in-law, take the pomegranate and the music box. Tell her your love her.
Go visit your mother-in-law, take the pomegranate and the music box. Tell her your love her.
I’m sure that a few of those 733 unanswered emails are mine. Be careful what you wish for – lots of followers, lots of readers, lots of friends? We’re all super busy with our lives. I am hurt that my emails have received a “robo” response. I was in France earlier this month and was considering coming to the South. It would have been fun to meet. I wrote about a horrible experience that I had – I was mugged in Paris on the street (although it had a happy ending as I wasn’t seriously hurt and my bag was returned) and posted it on Facebook. We’re also friends on Fb and I was looking for a comment from you. For someone who has hosted Jean-Marc two years in a row in New York and stayed at your home in Ste-Cecile-les-Vignes, with heart-to-heart conversations about family, my feelings are really hurt that you’ve totally ignored me. I truly care about you and the family, Braise, Smokey, and read all your posts. There were so many coincidences that I wanted to tell you about, but you’ve been too busy for me. Or maybe you don’t have room for the friendship or no longer care. At least please reply.
I’m sure that a few of those 733 unanswered emails are mine. Be careful what you wish for – lots of followers, lots of readers, lots of friends? We’re all super busy with our lives. I am hurt that my emails have received a “robo” response. I was in France earlier this month and was considering coming to the South. It would have been fun to meet. I wrote about a horrible experience that I had – I was mugged in Paris on the street (although it had a happy ending as I wasn’t seriously hurt and my bag was returned) and posted it on Facebook. We’re also friends on Fb and I was looking for a comment from you. For someone who has hosted Jean-Marc two years in a row in New York and stayed at your home in Ste-Cecile-les-Vignes, with heart-to-heart conversations about family, my feelings are really hurt that you’ve totally ignored me. I truly care about you and the family, Braise, Smokey, and read all your posts. There were so many coincidences that I wanted to tell you about, but you’ve been too busy for me. Or maybe you don’t have room for the friendship or no longer care. At least please reply.
Hey, Kristin:
I agree with Eileen about the visits to see your beautiful belle-mere. It always “feels” like a cold thing to do to put our loved ones on a seeming “to-do list,” but the result is that they have something to look forward to, and we end up feeling less guilty, and everyone winds up feeling more loved/loving! Of course, the feelings of love have been and are always there, of that there can be no doubt! But scheduled visits and relaxed chats do help to alleviate the guilt– speaking from experience here 😉
As to the matching gloves dilemma, in our family it’s footwear. To avoid the constant frustration of frantically searching for matching socks, the girls in our family have adopted a new “fashion statement” of sorts– always wearing a mismatched “pair!” The individual socks just all go in a drawer after their trip through the dryer, and we just reach and grab two! It’s great for starting conversations, even with total strangers! It certainly facilitates one less aggravation and eliminates one more time-stealer from life. It’s actually quite FUN! Try it!
As to mind in a whir, we’ve all been there. Some actually live in that state perpetually. Yikes! As you’ve experienced, prayer does help. Also the thing you’re most excellent at, writing it out, as well as laughing at a lot (if not most) of it.
Give Marie France a hug for me! 😉
Alisa
Hey, Kristin:
I agree with Eileen about the visits to see your beautiful belle-mere. It always “feels” like a cold thing to do to put our loved ones on a seeming “to-do list,” but the result is that they have something to look forward to, and we end up feeling less guilty, and everyone winds up feeling more loved/loving! Of course, the feelings of love have been and are always there, of that there can be no doubt! But scheduled visits and relaxed chats do help to alleviate the guilt– speaking from experience here 😉
As to the matching gloves dilemma, in our family it’s footwear. To avoid the constant frustration of frantically searching for matching socks, the girls in our family have adopted a new “fashion statement” of sorts– always wearing a mismatched “pair!” The individual socks just all go in a drawer after their trip through the dryer, and we just reach and grab two! It’s great for starting conversations, even with total strangers! It certainly facilitates one less aggravation and eliminates one more time-stealer from life. It’s actually quite FUN! Try it!
As to mind in a whir, we’ve all been there. Some actually live in that state perpetually. Yikes! As you’ve experienced, prayer does help. Also the thing you’re most excellent at, writing it out, as well as laughing at a lot (if not most) of it.
Give Marie France a hug for me! 😉
Alisa
Love your random thoughts post, don’t we all do that ?
Lovely to read someone else’s thoughts.
Love your random thoughts post, don’t we all do that ?
Lovely to read someone else’s thoughts.
Dear Kristi: Sending you love & wish you loads of stamina ( physical & emotional). Please don’t be wounded by Ruth’s appeal to you at this time of great need by your belle mere & all of her children as they make decisions about her needs & care-givers. Ever since the first post mentioning your mom-in-law had lost consciousness I have been so impressed that you still carved time to write. Please take good care of yourself ( I am the daughter of a 92-year-old father in a memory care facility — and we are separated by the Atlantic Ocean. From time to time he thinks he is in a hotel & on vacation. Also each day when we talk by phone he is surprised to learn that I am married to a French man & now live in Paris !)
As you & your family walk these next steps with your belle-mere .. Please be gentle to each other & your friends who will give you advice or step back to give you space . Hugs to you !
Dear Ruth : I am so sorry that you are hurt … Please reflect for a moment & reach out to others while your friend Kristi is trying to do all she can. Thank goodness you are OK after your bad experience . Bless you !
Dear Kristi: Sending you love & wish you loads of stamina ( physical & emotional). Please don’t be wounded by Ruth’s appeal to you at this time of great need by your belle mere & all of her children as they make decisions about her needs & care-givers. Ever since the first post mentioning your mom-in-law had lost consciousness I have been so impressed that you still carved time to write. Please take good care of yourself ( I am the daughter of a 92-year-old father in a memory care facility — and we are separated by the Atlantic Ocean. From time to time he thinks he is in a hotel & on vacation. Also each day when we talk by phone he is surprised to learn that I am married to a French man & now live in Paris !)
As you & your family walk these next steps with your belle-mere .. Please be gentle to each other & your friends who will give you advice or step back to give you space . Hugs to you !
Dear Ruth : I am so sorry that you are hurt … Please reflect for a moment & reach out to others while your friend Kristi is trying to do all she can. Thank goodness you are OK after your bad experience . Bless you !
Loved the random list; that’s life.
Think I’ll do my own list;
Maybe call it a poem.
PS. I could never answer 733 emails; any normal person would just give up and declare the bankruptcy; if someone else cannot understand the life transitions that are showing up in your daily list then they need to find more empathy for you and others.
Loved the random list; that’s life.
Think I’ll do my own list;
Maybe call it a poem.
PS. I could never answer 733 emails; any normal person would just give up and declare the bankruptcy; if someone else cannot understand the life transitions that are showing up in your daily list then they need to find more empathy for you and others.
Is this the first time we have heard about your mother-in-law in a care facility? Wonder how far away it is from you? Difficult transition for all concerned.
Is this the first time we have heard about your mother-in-law in a care facility? Wonder how far away it is from you? Difficult transition for all concerned.
Is this the first time we have heard about your mother-in-law in a care facility? Wonder how far away it is from you? Difficult transition for all concerned.
Is this the first time we have heard about your mother-in-law in a care facility? Wonder how far away it is from you? Difficult transition for all concerned.
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
Alisa again here–
I just translated “Çela fait huit jours…” It’s only been eight days since you last saw her? And that falls within your “less and less and less”?? I wonder, as does Jeanne, how far away she is. I know with my 80-year-old mom just next door to me that sometimes it can be four or five days between times when I actually go VISIT her. (Of course, we text and talk all day long every day and through a lot of nights– and a new arrangement soon to come where I stay a half-a-week with her every week…)
Point being, you are being a very attentive belle-fille. Pas de soucis, dear Kristi. 🙂 p.s. also agree with Oregonian living in Paris 100 percent. *bissous*
Alisa again here–
I just translated “Çela fait huit jours…” It’s only been eight days since you last saw her? And that falls within your “less and less and less”?? I wonder, as does Jeanne, how far away she is. I know with my 80-year-old mom just next door to me that sometimes it can be four or five days between times when I actually go VISIT her. (Of course, we text and talk all day long every day and through a lot of nights– and a new arrangement soon to come where I stay a half-a-week with her every week…)
Point being, you are being a very attentive belle-fille. Pas de soucis, dear Kristi. 🙂 p.s. also agree with Oregonian living in Paris 100 percent. *bissous*
Dear Kristin,
I’m so terribly sorry about your belle mere. My mother was 600 miles from me and others kept her family from visiting her (through legal channels). It was terrible. Phone calls until she was no longer able to speak on the phone were the best we could do.
You have my full empathy. It’s never easy. I’ll hold you and Jean-Marc in my heart and know that you will do what is right for you in your situation. Remember that your belle mere knew how much you loved her before she went into an altered state. If she is conscious now, she will welcome your visit. If not, it makes a visit so hard and so depressing. I totally understand that.
Lighting a prayer candle in my heart for you.
xoxo, Micki
Dear Kristin,
I’m so terribly sorry about your belle mere. My mother was 600 miles from me and others kept her family from visiting her (through legal channels). It was terrible. Phone calls until she was no longer able to speak on the phone were the best we could do.
You have my full empathy. It’s never easy. I’ll hold you and Jean-Marc in my heart and know that you will do what is right for you in your situation. Remember that your belle mere knew how much you loved her before she went into an altered state. If she is conscious now, she will welcome your visit. If not, it makes a visit so hard and so depressing. I totally understand that.
Lighting a prayer candle in my heart for you.
xoxo, Micki
Dear Kristin,
Even your random thoughts offer us a glimpse into your life. They are probably all shared by your readers, except, perhaps, the fig net.
Either Braise and Smokey are real hams or you have a way of posing them for the cutest pictures. Or maybe both!
Parents and a care facility always seem to equal guilt, even when the placement is justified. We have been through it with three parents and are now going through it with our last. He just cannot live alone at age 94. In each situation, although there has been commitment and concern for emotional and physical well-being, we have been left with guilt and regret. Did we do enough?
Marie-France seems to be hanging in there…hope she is getting stronger every day. It must be very unsettling for her as no place is as comfortable as home. But loved ones do help~
Dear Kristin,
Even your random thoughts offer us a glimpse into your life. They are probably all shared by your readers, except, perhaps, the fig net.
Either Braise and Smokey are real hams or you have a way of posing them for the cutest pictures. Or maybe both!
Parents and a care facility always seem to equal guilt, even when the placement is justified. We have been through it with three parents and are now going through it with our last. He just cannot live alone at age 94. In each situation, although there has been commitment and concern for emotional and physical well-being, we have been left with guilt and regret. Did we do enough?
Marie-France seems to be hanging in there…hope she is getting stronger every day. It must be very unsettling for her as no place is as comfortable as home. But loved ones do help~
My lovely dad is in a care facility he is 97 and has dementia. He has only been in 5 weeks and some days are better than others. He too sometimes thinks it is an hotel and other days he pleads to go home. It is heart wrenching and especially so that when my mother who is 90 blind and deaf still goes to visit him and he sometimes doesn’t recognise her. they have been married for 65 years. I try my best but mostly it doesn’t feel enough. be kind to yourself I know how hard it is. Thinking of you all. xxx Julie
My lovely dad is in a care facility he is 97 and has dementia. He has only been in 5 weeks and some days are better than others. He too sometimes thinks it is an hotel and other days he pleads to go home. It is heart wrenching and especially so that when my mother who is 90 blind and deaf still goes to visit him and he sometimes doesn’t recognise her. they have been married for 65 years. I try my best but mostly it doesn’t feel enough. be kind to yourself I know how hard it is. Thinking of you all. xxx Julie
Wow time to step back, I think, and decide what you want to do and need to do and put aside all the guilt trips we all put on ourselves and others..Both of my parents have gone to be with the Lord..my Mother was in a care facility, her mind was clear and I enjoyed talking to her..my sister took her phone away, it was indeed a shame. My Father’s mind was not clear, he was at home with excellent care given by my step mother, I loved hearing his voice, his stories reflected the life he invented, all the lost dreams perhaps. It was difficult to call.I used to take Communion to people in nursing homes..they came in all varities, mostly they were glad to see me. The emails will wait. I agree going to see your mother-in-law would be at the top of my list, and with the music box and tales of her granddaughter growing up, that she will understand and appreciate, and maybe tell you stories of your husband growing up that you have never heard before. If she is a dog person tales of the dogs, maybe some pictures of all to leave with her. Stories of the garden and the missing gloves, tales of life that she can still be part of.
Wow time to step back, I think, and decide what you want to do and need to do and put aside all the guilt trips we all put on ourselves and others..Both of my parents have gone to be with the Lord..my Mother was in a care facility, her mind was clear and I enjoyed talking to her..my sister took her phone away, it was indeed a shame. My Father’s mind was not clear, he was at home with excellent care given by my step mother, I loved hearing his voice, his stories reflected the life he invented, all the lost dreams perhaps. It was difficult to call.I used to take Communion to people in nursing homes..they came in all varities, mostly they were glad to see me. The emails will wait. I agree going to see your mother-in-law would be at the top of my list, and with the music box and tales of her granddaughter growing up, that she will understand and appreciate, and maybe tell you stories of your husband growing up that you have never heard before. If she is a dog person tales of the dogs, maybe some pictures of all to leave with her. Stories of the garden and the missing gloves, tales of life that she can still be part of.
I like idea of pomegranate and especially the “je t’ aime” . I am a firm believer that, eventhough unconscious, people do hear us. U mentioned music box…took me back to when I was a young mother and sang that lullaby to my two boys…always put them to sleep.
Thoughts & prayers to all of you during this time of uncertainty & transition.
I like idea of pomegranate and especially the “je t’ aime” . I am a firm believer that, eventhough unconscious, people do hear us. U mentioned music box…took me back to when I was a young mother and sang that lullaby to my two boys…always put them to sleep.
Thoughts & prayers to all of you during this time of uncertainty & transition.
Sending big HUGS your way. xoxo
Sending big HUGS your way. xoxo
Dear Kristin,
My mom was in a care facility for 18 months. I was lucky to be close by. It is very hard —-I’m an only child and some days she didn’t know me. But we had tea, and talked a lot. I am forever grateful for the time I had with her. Whether she “knew” me or not, we always had a laugh & a hug!
Thanks for sharing and remember, all of us have been thru this or close to it. It is life. You are handling it with grace.
Be well
PS: I am in Oregon and I am so jealous of the “Oregonian in Paris” person!
PPS: I love the Sears commercial — she’s calling for the cat to come in — and a raccoon runs in. Just love it!
Dear Kristin,
My mom was in a care facility for 18 months. I was lucky to be close by. It is very hard —-I’m an only child and some days she didn’t know me. But we had tea, and talked a lot. I am forever grateful for the time I had with her. Whether she “knew” me or not, we always had a laugh & a hug!
Thanks for sharing and remember, all of us have been thru this or close to it. It is life. You are handling it with grace.
Be well
PS: I am in Oregon and I am so jealous of the “Oregonian in Paris” person!
PPS: I love the Sears commercial — she’s calling for the cat to come in — and a raccoon runs in. Just love it!
Putting a loved one in a care facility is one of the most difficult things to do. Be gentle to yourself, Kristin – prayers and kind thoughts are sent your way.
Putting a loved one in a care facility is one of the most difficult things to do. Be gentle to yourself, Kristin – prayers and kind thoughts are sent your way.
I second Barb, Faye and Karen from Phoenix.
Music also seems to reach those places that sometimes spoken words do not. While caring for my mother at home, we were fortunate that our local Hospice had a music therapist on staff that could visit her at home. My mom not only sang words to songs she sang to me in my childhood, but sang songs that I had no idea she knew the words to.
Often it can be difficult to visit because we don’t want to see someone we love in their current condition or see them (or so many around them) suffering. Depending on the distance, even a short visit may be appreciated more than you know. An idea: Write us twice, rather than thrice, a week for a while if you need to. I am sure your readers will understand.
Blessings to you and yours.
I second Barb, Faye and Karen from Phoenix.
Music also seems to reach those places that sometimes spoken words do not. While caring for my mother at home, we were fortunate that our local Hospice had a music therapist on staff that could visit her at home. My mom not only sang words to songs she sang to me in my childhood, but sang songs that I had no idea she knew the words to.
Often it can be difficult to visit because we don’t want to see someone we love in their current condition or see them (or so many around them) suffering. Depending on the distance, even a short visit may be appreciated more than you know. An idea: Write us twice, rather than thrice, a week for a while if you need to. I am sure your readers will understand.
Blessings to you and yours.
This is a difficult time for you and your family. And family must take priority. You have to have time for yourself, time to process and deal with what is going on. And it’s coming at a time when you already have so many other things going on. Now it’s time for you to concentrate on your mother-in-law and your loved ones and your own health. There’s a limit to how much one psyche can handle. What’s in your email inbox can wait. We all know you reveive hundreds and that you can’t possibly–and shouldn’t even try to–answer all of them. Don’t worry about them, or anyone who might question your priorities right now. Warmest regards to you and your family.
This is a difficult time for you and your family. And family must take priority. You have to have time for yourself, time to process and deal with what is going on. And it’s coming at a time when you already have so many other things going on. Now it’s time for you to concentrate on your mother-in-law and your loved ones and your own health. There’s a limit to how much one psyche can handle. What’s in your email inbox can wait. We all know you reveive hundreds and that you can’t possibly–and shouldn’t even try to–answer all of them. Don’t worry about them, or anyone who might question your priorities right now. Warmest regards to you and your family.
I thought the caption of Braise with the glove pile was going to say “Braise knows a secret. Sometimes, when no glove matches are to be found, she knows she must confess to where she buried it…” Our Golden Retrievers are always bringing us a single sock and expecting praise. Or, dropping them some place new….
P.S. I love the “list”. It’s poetic and funny.
I thought the caption of Braise with the glove pile was going to say “Braise knows a secret. Sometimes, when no glove matches are to be found, she knows she must confess to where she buried it…” Our Golden Retrievers are always bringing us a single sock and expecting praise. Or, dropping them some place new….
P.S. I love the “list”. It’s poetic and funny.
P.S. Please forgive me, Kristin, for referring to your dear belle-mere,
Michele-France, by the wrong name. The name Michele is, after all, one of my favorites…our oldest daughter’s middle name.
Let us know how she is doing. Our prayers are with her.
P.S. Please forgive me, Kristin, for referring to your dear belle-mere,
Michele-France, by the wrong name. The name Michele is, after all, one of my favorites…our oldest daughter’s middle name.
Let us know how she is doing. Our prayers are with her.
Oh, dear sweet friend, how you’ve been on my mind! Just this morning, watering one of my flower beds (our drought continues…) I thought of you as I spied a single, hopeful, crimson blossom on one short and sly hollyhock which had escaped the deer!
May your day hold some sweet surprise that brings a smile to your heart (other than a rat!).
Sending love and comfort your way,
xoxo
Oh, dear sweet friend, how you’ve been on my mind! Just this morning, watering one of my flower beds (our drought continues…) I thought of you as I spied a single, hopeful, crimson blossom on one short and sly hollyhock which had escaped the deer!
May your day hold some sweet surprise that brings a smile to your heart (other than a rat!).
Sending love and comfort your way,
xoxo
No worries, Chris. And thanks for asking for an update (indeed, thank you, all who have written with caring words).
Jean-Marc and I had a good visit with Michele-France. She is sharp as a whistle and has her signature good sense of humor. Sadly, though, she is immobile. After 7 weeks in bed she has lost muscle strength (she cannot walk at all). A few complications have hindered her from beginning physical therapy. Add to that a phobia of falling (she no longer has use of her left shoulder, so could not break her fall if needed), and her situation is not improving. She will need to get past her fear if she is to progress, otherwise the physical therapist wont be able to help (only 15 minutes a day devoted to therapy). Thanks for keeping Michele-France in your prayers.
No worries, Chris. And thanks for asking for an update (indeed, thank you, all who have written with caring words).
Jean-Marc and I had a good visit with Michele-France. She is sharp as a whistle and has her signature good sense of humor. Sadly, though, she is immobile. After 7 weeks in bed she has lost muscle strength (she cannot walk at all). A few complications have hindered her from beginning physical therapy. Add to that a phobia of falling (she no longer has use of her left shoulder, so could not break her fall if needed), and her situation is not improving. She will need to get past her fear if she is to progress, otherwise the physical therapist wont be able to help (only 15 minutes a day devoted to therapy). Thanks for keeping Michele-France in your prayers.