I stumbled across this photo this morning. I think it speaks volumes after today's story, which is dedicated to my husband.
Today's word is an expression: l'enjeu est grand
: the stakes are high (there is a lot at risk)
Audio File: listen to me say this phrase Download MP3 or Wav
Je ne sais pas quoi faire. L'enjeu est grand.
I don't know what to do. The stakes are high.
All kinds of "steaks" or "enjeu" expression here, if you are looking to improve your French. If you are looking to relate to life… then please read my story, below. It's a follow up about the memoir I would like to write…
A Day in a French Life… by Kristin Espinasse
Do not allow yourself to get excited by what is said about you. Let the world talk. —Fenelon
Jean-Marc and I are lying on our backs in the dark. It is 5 in the morning and I've had insomnia for the first time in years. My mind is spinning after the recent revelations I have shared on my blog. But no matter the positive reception, no matter the encouragements, I can't help but fear what's coming next—if I go ahead with plans with this tell-all memoir.
The thought sends chills and I pull up the covers. "I feel hungover," I joke, turning to my husband. But just like the aftermath of a drinking spree, will I regret being so loose with my story? So much has already come out, in the previous posts. The sharing of my sobriety is detoxifying. There are cold sweats and headaches now, ten years after my last drink.
Jean-Marc laughs. "It's all that pastis you swallowed last night!" As he shifts beneath the covers, pockets of warmth are freed, enveloping me. With the warmth, comes a sense of security. It seems safe to broach a subject that is bothering me.
"There are a couple chapters we need to talk about…" I begin. Though I have gone over the sensitive material many times in my mind, I forget that Jean-Marc is hearing the chapter outline for the first time. So busy spitting out the controversial details, I am unaware of the growing silence in the room.
"If I could just get past these chapters," I conclude, "I think I can tell the rest of my story."
Jean-Marc turns over, his back is now to me. In 19 years of marriage, such body language is easier than French to interpret.
I quietly get up to make our tea, realizing that my number one supporter may no longer be able to cheer me to the finish line. Without him, I will not make it past chapter one. I won't even want to.
Stopping at the bathroom sink, I splash water on my face. Looking into the little mirror, I see scars all over: a huge "H" on my forehead, an "L" down my nose. Stitch, stitch, stitch. The latest one, a dent near the tip of my nose, tells of ongoing struggles.
Damn it! I think, shutting off the tap. He's still mad at me. But haven't I paid for my past follies? If my squeaky-clean daily living wasn't enough, I'd coped with skin cancer in the last year and a half. It is as though the recovery work that began in me a decade ago continues to push up "toxins"—to the very surface of my skin!
Climbing back into bed with the hot mugs, I hand Jean-Marc his tea, setting mine down on the nightstand beside a stack of notebooks. Slipping under the covers I still feel the chill in the air. I ask Jean-Marc what he is thinking.
"About a lot of things…" My husband's words feel condemning.
But what did I expect? I deserve the cold shoulder—I have put him through a lot. I will continue to pay penance for my actions, not because he asks me to—but because I need to! I will bring Jean-Marc his morning tea… I will write my stories, always focusing on the good things… I will wear sunscreen!
"Listen," I say, defensively. "I don't have to write this book. I can stop now, call it quits after those two chapters. I have received several notes… readers telling me that because of my coming clean, they are finally going to quit drinking. If writing those chapters has helped someone, it has been worth it. I need not go any farther!"
"But this book," I continue, "is not about drinking. As for the chapters I have just told you about, I don't have to include them. I can just omit the information and the story will be: "I got drunk, I fell down, I got sober, I started a blog, became an author, moved to a winery! stayed sober through that, and skin cancer—and lived happily ever after!
Re the controversial parts, I can drag myself over the coals sharing all my faults and revealing all my transgressions. And YOU can be the hero at the end of every episode, cheering me on and on!
But by not sharing the whole story, my behavior—recounted across those revelatory pages—won't make a lot of sense! All the colorful exploits will be taken out of context. Either I tell the whole story, or quit now.
The look on Jean-Marc's face tells me he's coming round… but just in case, I assure him:
Yes, I can just stick to blog-writing and keep typing these skipping-through-lavender-fields lighthearted anecdotes. And you can be the one who is always hiding encouraging notes in my robe pocket, gifting me with cherry trees," I say, referring to the opening chapter in the book that I still so deeply want to write.
"I told you," Jean-Marc mumbles, "write what you need to write."
Another period of silence passes in which each of us reaches for our computers and our tea, to surf the net, silently. Checking my mail I am struck dumb by a letter.
The forwarded email has accidentally ended up in my inbox. In the letter, someone I admire—who has also shown a lot of affection toward me—is telling another friend about the first two chapters of my memoir. Concerning the Prologue story, she writes:
This one is about her marking her 10th anniversary of sobriety. And, yes, if you read it and get the impression her husband is a jerk, he is.
I am stunned as I read my friend's words. I know she cares about me, but I had no idea how she felt about my husband! Farther down the email, I see the recipient's response:
I can appreciate what this woman went through to get where she is and should I assume that the rest of the manuscript details what it took for her (and out of her) to get where she is today?
They were talking about us—me and "The Jerk"! My heart fell as I began to realize the consequences of my sharing. Write enough about my husband—no matter how lovingly—and somebody out there is going to think he is a connard!
It occurred to me then that no matter how sensitively I told my story, I was putting my husband's reputation at risk.
"You have my permission," Jean-Marc said, setting down his tea. "I don't care what anybody thinks about me."
"But you should care. It might hurt you one day. Someone might mistake you for a connard!"
The more I thought about it, I realized what danger I was putting him in. Though a few illustrative sentences about Jean-Marc's behavior might balance out my own questionable behavior in one of the dramatic chapters, would readers be left with a bad taste in their mouths? And would that be what they remembered?
Only I will know all his proofs of love and the lengths he has gone to to pull us through.
Next I thought about the risk to my own reputation. Did I really want to be labelled? You know, she's an alcoholic… complete strangers would say. Should I choose to go ahead with my story, there would be other colorful labels that would crop up, too!
Having built up a blog in the past ten years, with supportive (and down right adoring) readers, do I want to risk off-putting any one of them with some tidbit from my private life?
I began to think about all of the people that would read my story, from my French aunts to my grandchildren to the lady at the flower stand, to whom I had given my card. Did I want them to know everything about me? What would be the consequences?
In ten years would family members look at me and say, "But Kristi, what were you thinking?"
Would my husband still be here?
Is it really worth it? Even if I were to work with an agent and a publisher—and be paid for my story—would it be, in the end, at my very own expense?
***
Monday morning now. My husband is laughing again. After a particularly painful weekend, he is back to his chipper, teasing self when I bring him his morning tea.
"Pray for me, that I might tell this story," I whisper.
"I already have," Jean-Marc smiles.
"Are you just saying that? You didn't pray!" I say, poking his side.
"Yes, I did," he pokes me back, and I'm touched, believing him.
***
My mom supports me, my sister too: "Call me every day," Heidi insists, encouraging me to tell my story, if it will help me. "I think it will help others," I say.
"You bet it will help others!" my sister agrees.
***
Post note: To my friend who wrote that Jean-Marc is a jerk. He has not seen your letter and I am not mad at you. I only ask that you will remember to withhold judgment. I want to tell my story but I am terrified of anyone judging my husband or myself, which will happen, I know.
Jean-Marc may not always be an angel, but he is my Prince Charming. His love has swooped me up, quite literally off the ground.
A final word: when I have my doubts about sharing my story, including the bad decisions I have made, it gives me great courage to know that readers are not judging me. I read every comment, here are just a few that speak to me, as I continue to weigh whether or not to share certain details of my story:
If it gives someone else the courage to make important changes, it will be worth it. Hopefully, it is therapeutic for you as well. There is no shame in past weakness overcome, or, at least held at bay. –Rob T
Kristin- You may never see my comment– there are so many. And it doesn't really matter. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and focus on you. You are a brave, strong woman. It takes guts to admit that you aren't perfect, but none of us are. This "confession" only makes me admire you more. We all have weaknesses, skeletons, "fallings down" or however you want to put it. We are human. Be true to yourself. I wish you the very best. Write this book for you. I will read it and so will many others. Much love sent your way- Teresa.
To comment on this story, or to read the comments, click here.
Chapters: click on the following links to read the book that I am currently writing
Jean-Marc (here with Tom Mann) will kick off his USA Wine Tour this spring. Check out his itinerary and see if he will be in your area. Click here.
If I continue writing… I'll tell you the story of moving to a wine farm. Yes, I was tempted there. No, I never tasted so much as one drop of Jean-Marc's award winning-wine. I swear.
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Kristin, for what it’s worth, I love the expression, “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” Don’t know who said it but it’s very biblical.
Kristin, for what it’s worth, I love the expression, “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” Don’t know who said it but it’s very biblical.
Kristin, do what YOU feel is right. Pray about it. Go with God
and you won’t go wrong.
Kristin, do what YOU feel is right. Pray about it. Go with God
and you won’t go wrong.
Thanks, Katheryn! Your thoughts are so helpful, as were Wylie Goodman, Pat Cargill, and Ken Curtiss.
And all the in between comments, too! I have marked several of them. I cannot thank you enough, those who are reading this comment, and other comments, or taking a moment to share your thoughts. My own thoughts are getting clearer, and I think that after sharing the first three chapters on this blog, I will try to write the others in private. I am so touched and so encouraged by every word here. Thanks you!
P.S. I have never succeeded in writing more than a ten pages on my own, without you — the reader. I will be thinking of you as I try… stepping out on this path. Please pray that the words will come, without this thrice-weekly deadline that is this French word journal.
Thanks, Katheryn! Your thoughts are so helpful, as were Wylie Goodman, Pat Cargill, and Ken Curtiss.
And all the in between comments, too! I have marked several of them. I cannot thank you enough, those who are reading this comment, and other comments, or taking a moment to share your thoughts. My own thoughts are getting clearer, and I think that after sharing the first three chapters on this blog, I will try to write the others in private. I am so touched and so encouraged by every word here. Thanks you!
P.S. I have never succeeded in writing more than a ten pages on my own, without you — the reader. I will be thinking of you as I try… stepping out on this path. Please pray that the words will come, without this thrice-weekly deadline that is this French word journal.
Yes, please continue writing!!
Since beginning to follow your blog years ago, I have always felt fond of your family and I have appreciated every story!! I love how you honestly share the good and bad – the real version of life. Your recent chapters have been lovely and I look forward to many more!!
Yes, please continue writing!!
Since beginning to follow your blog years ago, I have always felt fond of your family and I have appreciated every story!! I love how you honestly share the good and bad – the real version of life. Your recent chapters have been lovely and I look forward to many more!!
Cripes! You could write a book using only the comments on this last sequence. About writing your tell-all-story Kristin, consider this before you do: it won’t be just about you, it won’t be just among friends and it won’t be anybody’s business until you make it so. It may be cathartic to write one’s memoires, but when it’s not written anonymously, it can do alot of untold damage to the intended characters of the play. I say continue with your blog stories tossing an antecdote or two from your past into the mix to spice it up. Even though many of us have come to admire you, most of us are NOT your confidants, just your enthusiastic readers. Think about it.
Cripes! You could write a book using only the comments on this last sequence. About writing your tell-all-story Kristin, consider this before you do: it won’t be just about you, it won’t be just among friends and it won’t be anybody’s business until you make it so. It may be cathartic to write one’s memoires, but when it’s not written anonymously, it can do alot of untold damage to the intended characters of the play. I say continue with your blog stories tossing an antecdote or two from your past into the mix to spice it up. Even though many of us have come to admire you, most of us are NOT your confidants, just your enthusiastic readers. Think about it.
So many poignant words and excellent points (I am answering these messages a little out of order…) Learning so much from both sides of the coin. As Mom always says, your readers are brilliant! So lucky and grateful for your care and concern. Thank you.
So many poignant words and excellent points (I am answering these messages a little out of order…) Learning so much from both sides of the coin. As Mom always says, your readers are brilliant! So lucky and grateful for your care and concern. Thank you.
I think you are very brave and enjoy your writings about France and your family. I admire that you have told us about your alcoholism and sobriety but do not feel that you should expose yourself any further. Leave people guessing and create some mystery – they don’t need to know details. As far as “helping” people , there is a lot of “help” out there if they are interested. Take good care of yourself and your family members. You are in good company – there are many alcoholics out there and they are often talented and people who are great fun.
I think you are very brave and enjoy your writings about France and your family. I admire that you have told us about your alcoholism and sobriety but do not feel that you should expose yourself any further. Leave people guessing and create some mystery – they don’t need to know details. As far as “helping” people , there is a lot of “help” out there if they are interested. Take good care of yourself and your family members. You are in good company – there are many alcoholics out there and they are often talented and people who are great fun.
Dear Kristin, I believe that anything could be done with Grace. And you have just enough of It to make anything you write into The Work of Art. Many Blessings and much Love to your graceful spirit!
Dear Kristin, I believe that anything could be done with Grace. And you have just enough of It to make anything you write into The Work of Art. Many Blessings and much Love to your graceful spirit!
Dear Kristen,
I am denser than most of your other readers so wasn’t “certain” exactly what you were saying at first, thinking that I had missed something over the years, and I do so appreciate your helping me with my French during this time.
Like many of your other readers, I feel you are brave to face up to your difficulties and DEAL with them. I have know a number of alcoholics…most deny that they are, and when they get older, their bodies tell them YES there is a problem. I was a bit surprised when one friend’s husband when he came to visit from out-of-town, flat out said, “I’m an alcoholic and can’t drink.” I certainly had no problem with his statement.
I am of the opinion, as far as “social” drinking, that one should do as one wants, and not feel “compelled” to join others in alcoholic, if one does not want to.
Also, I think that most secrets are insidious. If people were more open about this subject (and others), much miscommunication could be avoided. How can one truly KNOW a person if something important to them is never talked about? And, how can one understand certain behaviors, if one does not know the cause?
I wish you luck with your efforts, in all areas, and thank you again for sharing yourself and France with us.
Willette Windom (in New Orleans)
Dear Kristen,
I am denser than most of your other readers so wasn’t “certain” exactly what you were saying at first, thinking that I had missed something over the years, and I do so appreciate your helping me with my French during this time.
Like many of your other readers, I feel you are brave to face up to your difficulties and DEAL with them. I have know a number of alcoholics…most deny that they are, and when they get older, their bodies tell them YES there is a problem. I was a bit surprised when one friend’s husband when he came to visit from out-of-town, flat out said, “I’m an alcoholic and can’t drink.” I certainly had no problem with his statement.
I am of the opinion, as far as “social” drinking, that one should do as one wants, and not feel “compelled” to join others in alcoholic, if one does not want to.
Also, I think that most secrets are insidious. If people were more open about this subject (and others), much miscommunication could be avoided. How can one truly KNOW a person if something important to them is never talked about? And, how can one understand certain behaviors, if one does not know the cause?
I wish you luck with your efforts, in all areas, and thank you again for sharing yourself and France with us.
Willette Windom (in New Orleans)
The story of your struggle with alcoholism only makes you more endearing and authentic to me. As someone else said, it was easy to think of your life as “skipping through fields of lavender”. I would much rather read a blog/book about someone who has had real difficulties and worked to overcome them. Alcoholics (and those that love them – in fact everyone!) all have things in their past that they’re not proud of. You could look at this as your chance to make amends.
I have not always behaved my best with the two alcoholics in my family and that’s why I go to Al-Anon.
Keep up the great work! You have all my support and best wishes.xo
The story of your struggle with alcoholism only makes you more endearing and authentic to me. As someone else said, it was easy to think of your life as “skipping through fields of lavender”. I would much rather read a blog/book about someone who has had real difficulties and worked to overcome them. Alcoholics (and those that love them – in fact everyone!) all have things in their past that they’re not proud of. You could look at this as your chance to make amends.
I have not always behaved my best with the two alcoholics in my family and that’s why I go to Al-Anon.
Keep up the great work! You have all my support and best wishes.xo
I agree with what Kathryn Winslow has to say, and just want to add that whatever you do, you and Jean-Marc have my affection and support..
I agree with what Kathryn Winslow has to say, and just want to add that whatever you do, you and Jean-Marc have my affection and support..
Kristin,
I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I hope you do. I have been thinking so much about your chapter one and how much it touched me. The beauty in having the courage to show the most ugly part of ourselves. It inspires me.
I, too, tried to write a memoir years ago; however, I soon realized that I couldn’t. I couldn’t open up and be honest about myself and all that I’ve done. I can’t even think about a lot of it. And if you can’t honestly look at yourself and write it without judgement, there’s no point in doing it.
I admire you. You give strength to those of us out there who might have given up the dream of writing because of our fears. We might never write our stories, but perhaps, by seeing another fellow human bare it all, we can at least forgive and love ourselves, knowing that we’re all just doing the best we can.
Be proud. All of us, ALL OF US, have done things that we’re not proud of. A true writer can go past the shame and look at our mistakes for what they are – just part of the human condition.
Good luck.
Kristin,
I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I hope you do. I have been thinking so much about your chapter one and how much it touched me. The beauty in having the courage to show the most ugly part of ourselves. It inspires me.
I, too, tried to write a memoir years ago; however, I soon realized that I couldn’t. I couldn’t open up and be honest about myself and all that I’ve done. I can’t even think about a lot of it. And if you can’t honestly look at yourself and write it without judgement, there’s no point in doing it.
I admire you. You give strength to those of us out there who might have given up the dream of writing because of our fears. We might never write our stories, but perhaps, by seeing another fellow human bare it all, we can at least forgive and love ourselves, knowing that we’re all just doing the best we can.
Be proud. All of us, ALL OF US, have done things that we’re not proud of. A true writer can go past the shame and look at our mistakes for what they are – just part of the human condition.
Good luck.
What has happened in the past is between you, your husband and God. God has forgiven you but it sounds like it’s time for you to forgive yourself. If writing helps you to that forgiveness of self then do it. You have millions of supporters out there that you don’t even know about. And yes, someone will read your story and will be inspired. I hope that by writing you are inspired to forgive yourself. You’re already an angel in God’s eyes…and a blessing to so many.
What has happened in the past is between you, your husband and God. God has forgiven you but it sounds like it’s time for you to forgive yourself. If writing helps you to that forgiveness of self then do it. You have millions of supporters out there that you don’t even know about. And yes, someone will read your story and will be inspired. I hope that by writing you are inspired to forgive yourself. You’re already an angel in God’s eyes…and a blessing to so many.
Ok, I have to confess I didn’t read every comment. But my advice is to not write about the dark parts. Confession, they say, may be good for the soul. But it is usually done to one entrusted (indeed, required) to keep our secrets. The anonymous mass of readers out here is not the same.
A widely esteemed figure out of US history sets an example you might want to follow. At times during the Civil War the generals on the union side were nothing less than incompetent. Lincoln was infuriated, and wrote blistering letters spelling out exactly what he thought. And how do we know that? Because he never mailed them, they were found in his effects after his death.
So at this point you are acting in the heat of the moment. People are criticizing your husband, you want to rush to his defense and acknowledge your failings. Please, take a moment. Write them down if you wish. Then set those chapters aside. For a year. For 5 years. Or, in my advice, forever.
Close as you may feel to your readership, as much of your time and heart that you pour into it, the world out there is not to whom family indiscretions should be told. And especially in this day and age, where a few strokes on the keyboard bring up just about anything. Is that the part of the legacy you want to leave to your children? If there are things they ought to know, that you want them to know, then tell them. Just don’t tell everyone else they’ll ever know.
“I can just stick to blog-writing, and keep typing these skipping-through-lavender-fields lighthearted 500 word anecdotes.” It tears at me to read this, a cavalier dismissal of something that brings a moment of joy and learning to so many. You have made a contribution, met friends thru your blog, helped make the world a bit brighter. Why is that not enough, why a need to air personal laundry? Its interesting that in our language we still turn to a French world to describe that peering into that which we should not see, the act of being a voyeur. Please, keep the curtain closed!
Ok, I have to confess I didn’t read every comment. But my advice is to not write about the dark parts. Confession, they say, may be good for the soul. But it is usually done to one entrusted (indeed, required) to keep our secrets. The anonymous mass of readers out here is not the same.
A widely esteemed figure out of US history sets an example you might want to follow. At times during the Civil War the generals on the union side were nothing less than incompetent. Lincoln was infuriated, and wrote blistering letters spelling out exactly what he thought. And how do we know that? Because he never mailed them, they were found in his effects after his death.
So at this point you are acting in the heat of the moment. People are criticizing your husband, you want to rush to his defense and acknowledge your failings. Please, take a moment. Write them down if you wish. Then set those chapters aside. For a year. For 5 years. Or, in my advice, forever.
Close as you may feel to your readership, as much of your time and heart that you pour into it, the world out there is not to whom family indiscretions should be told. And especially in this day and age, where a few strokes on the keyboard bring up just about anything. Is that the part of the legacy you want to leave to your children? If there are things they ought to know, that you want them to know, then tell them. Just don’t tell everyone else they’ll ever know.
“I can just stick to blog-writing, and keep typing these skipping-through-lavender-fields lighthearted 500 word anecdotes.” It tears at me to read this, a cavalier dismissal of something that brings a moment of joy and learning to so many. You have made a contribution, met friends thru your blog, helped make the world a bit brighter. Why is that not enough, why a need to air personal laundry? Its interesting that in our language we still turn to a French world to describe that peering into that which we should not see, the act of being a voyeur. Please, keep the curtain closed!
“Always be yourself because the people who matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.” (Not original. I read it somewhere). I just hope others accept me as I accept them. All imperfect! It’s funny, but what comes to mind is how peaceful and beautiful you always look in your photos. I thought Jean Marc always with a worrisome expression. More than the responsibility of being the provider of a family but now, we know, as one who has the profession of his wife’s weakness. The same obstacle for both of you! Bless you both with love and understanding.
“Always be yourself because the people who matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.” (Not original. I read it somewhere). I just hope others accept me as I accept them. All imperfect! It’s funny, but what comes to mind is how peaceful and beautiful you always look in your photos. I thought Jean Marc always with a worrisome expression. More than the responsibility of being the provider of a family but now, we know, as one who has the profession of his wife’s weakness. The same obstacle for both of you! Bless you both with love and understanding.
Referring to the last “curtain” comment written by Mike:
There ARE so many types of curtains in theater (!)
http://www.beckstudios.net/theater-curtains.aspx
that we should not worry about the artist’s having too much exposure. Plus, I am sure Kristin knows which curtain to use at a certain time to keep her audience’s (and hers very own too) the most sensitive spots intact.
Referring to the last “curtain” comment written by Mike:
There ARE so many types of curtains in theater (!)
http://www.beckstudios.net/theater-curtains.aspx
that we should not worry about the artist’s having too much exposure. Plus, I am sure Kristin knows which curtain to use at a certain time to keep her audience’s (and hers very own too) the most sensitive spots intact.
Hi Kristi,
I want you to know that the posts about your memoir are the ones that I thought about later. They resonated more for me than anything else you’ve written, though I enjoy reading all your posts.
Seven things:
* Wylie Goodman’s comment is so spot on that I’d bet he’s a writer or other artist.
* The comments from people who say, “Don’t dwell on the past” do not understand the nature of being an artist. An artist is one who is brave enough to go down into the underworld and vulnerable enough to return and tell the story to the tribe. In all Joseph Campbell’s books and teachings, especially the amazing series, The Power of Myth, that is what he describes as the role of the artist (and shaman).
* Write a first draft leaving nothing out. As you rewrite, you will find ways to write about difficulties that are less hurtful to J-M and your family.
* In no relationship I’ve been in did any man understand what I needed as a writer, until I met and married Richard. As a poet himself, he respects the “alembic” that writers need. Under no circumstances (except something like a fire in the house), would we interrupt the other while he or she is writing. A door closed means “respect the alembic.” If you are married to a man who is not an artist, it’s a matter of communication, of conveying to him what it does to your focus to be called out of your alembic to take a photo of him, or any such thing that’s not an emergency.
* If either Richard or I write something very personal about the other, we each have the right to edit it. We rarely, rarely have asked the other to eliminate anything. But, for instance, if one of us writes a poem about the other’s childhood, we might say, That’s my story to tell. The emotional security between a couple is a key part of the alembic we protect.
* Whether you write memoir, fiction or poems, the muse decides on the genre. All three are revealing.
* You should DEFINITELY continue writing the memoir. It’s beautifully written and deeper than the blog. However, almost every writer who’s ever lived says that the stage of writing should be free of the editor, the critical judge, until you’ve finished a first draft. It’s clear from all the comments above that they’re all written with affection for you. But some are wise, some not. You don’t need to be trying to sort that out while you’re listening to the muse. Write without a censor, then return when you’ve finished a draft to see what should be included, what not.
Affectionately,
Kaaren Kitchell, another Arizonan who now lives in France
P.S. Check your e-mail for an invitation.
Hi Kristi,
I want you to know that the posts about your memoir are the ones that I thought about later. They resonated more for me than anything else you’ve written, though I enjoy reading all your posts.
Seven things:
* Wylie Goodman’s comment is so spot on that I’d bet he’s a writer or other artist.
* The comments from people who say, “Don’t dwell on the past” do not understand the nature of being an artist. An artist is one who is brave enough to go down into the underworld and vulnerable enough to return and tell the story to the tribe. In all Joseph Campbell’s books and teachings, especially the amazing series, The Power of Myth, that is what he describes as the role of the artist (and shaman).
* Write a first draft leaving nothing out. As you rewrite, you will find ways to write about difficulties that are less hurtful to J-M and your family.
* In no relationship I’ve been in did any man understand what I needed as a writer, until I met and married Richard. As a poet himself, he respects the “alembic” that writers need. Under no circumstances (except something like a fire in the house), would we interrupt the other while he or she is writing. A door closed means “respect the alembic.” If you are married to a man who is not an artist, it’s a matter of communication, of conveying to him what it does to your focus to be called out of your alembic to take a photo of him, or any such thing that’s not an emergency.
* If either Richard or I write something very personal about the other, we each have the right to edit it. We rarely, rarely have asked the other to eliminate anything. But, for instance, if one of us writes a poem about the other’s childhood, we might say, That’s my story to tell. The emotional security between a couple is a key part of the alembic we protect.
* Whether you write memoir, fiction or poems, the muse decides on the genre. All three are revealing.
* You should DEFINITELY continue writing the memoir. It’s beautifully written and deeper than the blog. However, almost every writer who’s ever lived says that the stage of writing should be free of the editor, the critical judge, until you’ve finished a first draft. It’s clear from all the comments above that they’re all written with affection for you. But some are wise, some not. You don’t need to be trying to sort that out while you’re listening to the muse. Write without a censor, then return when you’ve finished a draft to see what should be included, what not.
Affectionately,
Kaaren Kitchell, another Arizonan who now lives in France
P.S. Check your e-mail for an invitation.
Will the end of the tell-all be healing for you? Or will it just feel like uncomfortable
irreversible exposure? You don’t owe anyone all the details of your private journey. You’ve acknowledged 10 years of sobriety , and those
who can benefit from that inspiration appreciate what that means. People do judge & it does hurt. There is a case to be made for protecting the privacy of you & your family. You have to ask yourself what the urge to spill is really about for you before you decide what to do. Go slowly as you figure this out. Love to you, sweet soul.
Will the end of the tell-all be healing for you? Or will it just feel like uncomfortable
irreversible exposure? You don’t owe anyone all the details of your private journey. You’ve acknowledged 10 years of sobriety , and those
who can benefit from that inspiration appreciate what that means. People do judge & it does hurt. There is a case to be made for protecting the privacy of you & your family. You have to ask yourself what the urge to spill is really about for you before you decide what to do. Go slowly as you figure this out. Love to you, sweet soul.
Because I advocated strongly for your privacy
in my previous comment, I think in fairness I must tell you something. I am a writer wannabe
who is very inhibited by fear of personal exposure. So , my fears have actually held me back from expressing what I’d like to. Just to put my earlier remarks in perspective…
we have no idea what is right for another
Because I advocated strongly for your privacy
in my previous comment, I think in fairness I must tell you something. I am a writer wannabe
who is very inhibited by fear of personal exposure. So , my fears have actually held me back from expressing what I’d like to. Just to put my earlier remarks in perspective…
we have no idea what is right for another
Dear Kristin. I love your work and always find myself reading your releases even when I’ve told myself I’m too busy! It’s wonderful to see the community you have established here. And so human to have you share others’ reactions to you. It helps me remember that we all have people who judge us unfairly and sometimes it hurts. Thank you for sharing, I find it very encouraging. I also agree with the loving advice others have given you to take care of yourself. We will value even more those parts you decide to share. Sarah
Dear Kristin. I love your work and always find myself reading your releases even when I’ve told myself I’m too busy! It’s wonderful to see the community you have established here. And so human to have you share others’ reactions to you. It helps me remember that we all have people who judge us unfairly and sometimes it hurts. Thank you for sharing, I find it very encouraging. I also agree with the loving advice others have given you to take care of yourself. We will value even more those parts you decide to share. Sarah
Kristi,
Your honesty and soul-baring are touching. I would look forward to reading the book one day. But not here, chapter by chapter. I say get it all out and down on paper and then give it (and you!) time to breathe. Writing can be so very cathartic. Reflection and editing make it better.
Meanwhile, do keep keep us up to date!
Bon courage!
Kristi,
Your honesty and soul-baring are touching. I would look forward to reading the book one day. But not here, chapter by chapter. I say get it all out and down on paper and then give it (and you!) time to breathe. Writing can be so very cathartic. Reflection and editing make it better.
Meanwhile, do keep keep us up to date!
Bon courage!
Kristin,
If you write and publish this book I will buy two copies – one I will keep for when I am ready the other I will send to my ex-boyfriend, dearest friend and lover for five years, father to my only daughter, terrible alcoholic… for when he is ready.
Authentic words spun into the weave of the universe, bring light and truth to us all. You are a brave woman, inspirational mother and creative soul.
All my love and sunshine this night is yours
Kristin,
If you write and publish this book I will buy two copies – one I will keep for when I am ready the other I will send to my ex-boyfriend, dearest friend and lover for five years, father to my only daughter, terrible alcoholic… for when he is ready.
Authentic words spun into the weave of the universe, bring light and truth to us all. You are a brave woman, inspirational mother and creative soul.
All my love and sunshine this night is yours
Kristi, this is likely both a gender and cultural issue. Women find catharsis in sharing their woes and commiserating with one another, whereas men are much less likely to share such personal stories widely. Your husband likely feels shame to have such revelations made public, and shame is one of the most hurtful sentiments men can feel. You may need to finally come to grips with your previous alcoholic days, but you need to reflect on what such revelations will mean for your family – husband and children included. Your fears for their reputations are well-founded and you need to respect them. Furthermore, this is a cultural issue. We Americans are much more open about our past follies whereas the French are more reserved. The internet and blogs have opened up an unprecedented forum for self-revelation and often people go a bit too far. I completely understand your desire — no, deep need — to work through your past and move forward. But you might instead try a therapist and your best girlfriends. If you want to write a book — go for it! And twenty years down the line when your children and husband and self are that much further removed from the events, it might just be the right time to publish it.
Kristi, this is likely both a gender and cultural issue. Women find catharsis in sharing their woes and commiserating with one another, whereas men are much less likely to share such personal stories widely. Your husband likely feels shame to have such revelations made public, and shame is one of the most hurtful sentiments men can feel. You may need to finally come to grips with your previous alcoholic days, but you need to reflect on what such revelations will mean for your family – husband and children included. Your fears for their reputations are well-founded and you need to respect them. Furthermore, this is a cultural issue. We Americans are much more open about our past follies whereas the French are more reserved. The internet and blogs have opened up an unprecedented forum for self-revelation and often people go a bit too far. I completely understand your desire — no, deep need — to work through your past and move forward. But you might instead try a therapist and your best girlfriends. If you want to write a book — go for it! And twenty years down the line when your children and husband and self are that much further removed from the events, it might just be the right time to publish it.
Dear Sweet Kristi-Thank you for sharing your past with us. No condemnation or judgment here!! We are not meant to go this alone! I am convinced that God wants you to share your story with others so that they too will not feel judged and know that there is hope!! I’m so very proud of you! Keep up the great work. God will bless you abundantly!!!
Dear Sweet Kristi-Thank you for sharing your past with us. No condemnation or judgment here!! We are not meant to go this alone! I am convinced that God wants you to share your story with others so that they too will not feel judged and know that there is hope!! I’m so very proud of you! Keep up the great work. God will bless you abundantly!!!
You are a writer, Kristi, and these last 2 posts are perhaps the best I have read from you. Yes, it is best to live in the present and not dwell on the past OR the future, but in these recent posts you seem much more engaged in the present and in the process of writing than ever. So, for the sake of the writer in you, please continue. I do agree with Wylie that it should be done on your own terms and without a deadline, and perhaps you can share the process with us in some of your FWD posts, but not the details. Leave those for publication when you feel comfortable with the end result and you, and those that matter most to you, are at peace with it.
You are a writer, Kristi, and these last 2 posts are perhaps the best I have read from you. Yes, it is best to live in the present and not dwell on the past OR the future, but in these recent posts you seem much more engaged in the present and in the process of writing than ever. So, for the sake of the writer in you, please continue. I do agree with Wylie that it should be done on your own terms and without a deadline, and perhaps you can share the process with us in some of your FWD posts, but not the details. Leave those for publication when you feel comfortable with the end result and you, and those that matter most to you, are at peace with it.