"This one's for you!" (pictured: that's me with the cake, my husband, right, gets all the wine around here–even when we lived on a vineyard, where wine all but flowed from the garden hose.)
A (Very Special) DAY IN A FRENCH …by Kristi Espinasse
Yesterday a delicate and meaningful milestone quietly passed. Waking up, I searched for a way to respectfully acknowledge the date, lest it pass as another ordinary day. Quietly walking out to the bedroom terrace, I looked around at the countryside. As far as the eye could see, there was greenery: olive and almond trees, the forest, and the sea.
It was a relief to wake with a clear head and no regrets. Breathing in the morning scent, I closed my eyes. Now was the time. I offered up the simple acknowledgment, and thanks. There was a moment of complete and utter silence, and then seagulls cried in the distance. A train passed, blowing its horn. The neighbor's dogs barked. My robe sagged, and I reached down to tighten the belt. It was both an ordinary and an extraordinary day.
"You can take me to lunch," I hinted to Jean-Marc, both reminding him of the important date—and suggesting how he might help me to mark the occasion.
"How about with a big glass of cognac?" he chuckled.
"That is NOT funny!" No matter how many times I tell him that such jokes, given the circumstance, are in bad taste, he cannot help himself.
"OK, then how about a six-pack?" my husband continued.
"T'es terrible!"
"I'm very proud of you," Jean-Marc assured me, planting a kiss on my lips. His tenderness provoked flashbacks of years ago, when I would discover little notes stuck in a book I was reading or in the pocket of my robe.
"Çela fait dix jours. Continue, Mon Amour… That makes ten days. Keep it up, My Love," the encouragements read, and "Trois semaines! Fier de toi, Ma Chérie! Three weeks now! So proud of you, My Dear!"
The scribbled notes were encouraging but had I foreseen the future, I might not have had the guts to continue on the new path, not knowing that some of the rockiest parts were just around the corner. The hand-written notes would stop. The sores would begin to open.
A decade has passed and I am still on that fragile path; despite all the setbacks, I have never once veered off track. And even if I wouldn't be celebrating the 10-year mark with a glass of champagne, I was looking forward to eating out with my husband.
Only, when my daughter ran up, asking to bring a friend home for lunch, plans changed. Five months at the new school, and she, too, had passed a delicate milestone: the courage to invite a new friend home!
Well, at least I no longer have to fret about what to wear to the restaurant! The positive thoughts continued as I set about tidying the house, and preparing for my daughter's special lunch.
But as I hurried to fix up the house for our important guest, I felt a familiar rush of panic. There won't be time to finish the cleaning AND to get the meal started. Recognizing the anxiety—that old foe that I could not cope with ten years ago—I was able to put a stop to it. No, there wouldn't be time if I insisted on a perfect outcome. But there was plenty of time otherwise!
What was important, after all, wasn't how the house looked or what we ate, it was how our guest would feel. I wanted Jackie's friend to experience that good and cozy and welcoming feeling and to leave with a desire to return!
"Promise to come back and see us?" I said, kissing my daughter's friend goodbye after lunch.
"Oui!" came the shy response.
Noticing the look in the young lady's eyes it seemed a guardian angel was smiling back at me. If I had gone to the restaurant to celebrate and be pampered, I would have missed this heavenly encounter.
At the end of the day Jean Marc presented me with a gift. Gently tapping on the door to the bedroom, where I had been putting away a stack of freshly folded clothes, he curled his finger several times, signaling to me to follow him.
I was a little leery of whatever he was dragging me out to see. After polyester pajamas, discount branch shredders, and T-shirts I could never wear in public, I never knew what kind of gift was up his sleeves.
"Will I like it?" I asked, nervously, letting my husband lead me by the sleeve.
Opening the front door, I saw the little cherry tree posed just beyond the welcome mat, like a gushing guest. I looked closely at the delicate, leafless branches. The tiny buds were burgeoning.
"Congratulations!" Jean-Marc said. "I'm so proud of you!"
The burgeoning continued, inside of me, as teardrops surfaced like the little buds of the cherry tree. Fragile as its branches, my sobriety continues.
Update: February 3rd, 2019, I celebrated 16 years of sobriety.
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KRISTI DARLING,
I woke up several times last night thinking of you, your story, and all of the comments from our dear friends here at FWAD. I can’t imagine how you are feeling today –
I am thinking that I must get on that horse and ride with you through the clouds – protect you from the dust that gathers inside the clouds that will eventually reflect the brightness of your spirit…oh My God…I am crying out wanting to stand before you…but I know deep inside my spirit that I must step aside.
We are all going to have to step aside as your story unfolds. Yes, it’s going to be shocking…but we will all gain strength along this journey your are so bravely leading us on.
I am so thankful for the core of your friends here in the comments box…I wonder if they are thinking the same thoughts I am on the beginning of this 3rd day of your new journey.
I am just trying to breath – call me Honey – I am wide-awake with all kinds of thoughts running through my mind.
I am shaking my head – and my heart is pounding – you have always been so full of surprises – and so underestimated in life…but not to me. I have always known you were special. I love you my precious Angel.
XOXO
MOM
KRISTI DARLING,
I woke up several times last night thinking of you, your story, and all of the comments from our dear friends here at FWAD. I can’t imagine how you are feeling today –
I am thinking that I must get on that horse and ride with you through the clouds – protect you from the dust that gathers inside the clouds that will eventually reflect the brightness of your spirit…oh My God…I am crying out wanting to stand before you…but I know deep inside my spirit that I must step aside.
We are all going to have to step aside as your story unfolds. Yes, it’s going to be shocking…but we will all gain strength along this journey your are so bravely leading us on.
I am so thankful for the core of your friends here in the comments box…I wonder if they are thinking the same thoughts I am on the beginning of this 3rd day of your new journey.
I am just trying to breath – call me Honey – I am wide-awake with all kinds of thoughts running through my mind.
I am shaking my head – and my heart is pounding – you have always been so full of surprises – and so underestimated in life…but not to me. I have always known you were special. I love you my precious Angel.
XOXO
MOM
Please keep writing the memoir. And thank you.
Please keep writing the memoir. And thank you.
I thought so much about all of these posts over the past 24 hours. Thanks to Jules for saying what I was thinking: “Now your writing is really going to heat up.” My thoughts exactly. To be completely honest and to expose the fiery kernel in your soul it takes guts and courage. You’ve it it, girl! Thanks to J-M for his encouragement.
I thought so much about all of these posts over the past 24 hours. Thanks to Jules for saying what I was thinking: “Now your writing is really going to heat up.” My thoughts exactly. To be completely honest and to expose the fiery kernel in your soul it takes guts and courage. You’ve it it, girl! Thanks to J-M for his encouragement.
Thank you for sharing this most important anniversary with us, your readers, allowing us to celebrate with you. There is no shame or stigma attached to the courageous and ongoing effort at taking care of yourself one day at a time.
BRAVO!
Thank you for sharing this most important anniversary with us, your readers, allowing us to celebrate with you. There is no shame or stigma attached to the courageous and ongoing effort at taking care of yourself one day at a time.
BRAVO!
Congrats on 10 years. I was raised by adictive personalities, and every so often I would slip out as a teen ager to attend meetings of AA to try to learn ways to cope with my parents issues. They never stopped, but I learned how to live my own life walking with trepidation through theirs. Glad to see you are charting a positive path!!
Congrats on 10 years. I was raised by adictive personalities, and every so often I would slip out as a teen ager to attend meetings of AA to try to learn ways to cope with my parents issues. They never stopped, but I learned how to live my own life walking with trepidation through theirs. Glad to see you are charting a positive path!!
I will add my support and congratulations to this long list of admirerers whom you’ve gathered through the years. We are all proud of your accomplishment and wish you many more happy and healthy years! With love….
I will add my support and congratulations to this long list of admirerers whom you’ve gathered through the years. We are all proud of your accomplishment and wish you many more happy and healthy years! With love….
I have been reading from the beginning of your blog and somehow I never realized this part of your story. What an accomplishment. It surpasses everything. Never doubt that you are strong- so very strong. Just imagine what that cherry tree will look like in 10 more years. 🙂
I have been reading from the beginning of your blog and somehow I never realized this part of your story. What an accomplishment. It surpasses everything. Never doubt that you are strong- so very strong. Just imagine what that cherry tree will look like in 10 more years. 🙂
Such honesty beautifully and simply written.
Such honesty beautifully and simply written.
A simple smile and a thank you for sharing. You inspire me.
A simple smile and a thank you for sharing. You inspire me.
Thank you for your honesty! It is difficult to write from your heart as you do so beautifully. I greatly appreciate your courage and congratulate you on the wonderful life you have created.
Thank you for your honesty! It is difficult to write from your heart as you do so beautifully. I greatly appreciate your courage and congratulate you on the wonderful life you have created.
Happy 10 years! I love the blog and the way you write. Someday I hope to visit beautiful France. I love seeing her through your eyes but would like to have my own take a peek too!
Happy 10 years! I love the blog and the way you write. Someday I hope to visit beautiful France. I love seeing her through your eyes but would like to have my own take a peek too!
What a life of beautiful adventures sobriety has given you.
Congratulations on 10 years!!!! You are brave and strong.
What a life of beautiful adventures sobriety has given you.
Congratulations on 10 years!!!! You are brave and strong.
Kristin, you are a gift that keeps giving. I feel honored by your trust in all of us and and would admire you even more now- had that been possible!
Kristin, you are a gift that keeps giving. I feel honored by your trust in all of us and and would admire you even more now- had that been possible!
Fantastic beginning! You really had me hooked. Congratulations on 10 years and many more to come.
Fantastic beginning! You really had me hooked. Congratulations on 10 years and many more to come.
Happy ten years, and the many more to come! Your faithful readers salute you.
Happy ten years, and the many more to come! Your faithful readers salute you.
I didn’t know… but I offer you all the love and support anyone could give since my daughter celbrates six years this year. She lived 6 years in France and had her baby there. It wasn’t until she returned and I could help her when she asked for it that it all turned around. 10 years is fantastic I’m so happy for you.
Julie C
Literary Agent.
I didn’t know… but I offer you all the love and support anyone could give since my daughter celbrates six years this year. She lived 6 years in France and had her baby there. It wasn’t until she returned and I could help her when she asked for it that it all turned around. 10 years is fantastic I’m so happy for you.
Julie C
Literary Agent.
Congratulations and Bon Courage! But I can see that you already have bon courage. Keep it up and rejoice in what you have accomplished!
Congratulations and Bon Courage! But I can see that you already have bon courage. Keep it up and rejoice in what you have accomplished!
Congrats Kristin. It was a big step that you took….and look where it has led you! It is comforting to know that some as talented as you has doubts as well. I look forward to seeing yoour blog in my inbox for the next 10 years,
Congrats Kristin. It was a big step that you took….and look where it has led you! It is comforting to know that some as talented as you has doubts as well. I look forward to seeing yoour blog in my inbox for the next 10 years,
How brave you are. That’s all I can think.
Been reading your blog for at least 2 years, have never commented. But, today,I need to applaud not only your success with this issue, but your bravery in disclosure.
How brave you are. That’s all I can think.
Been reading your blog for at least 2 years, have never commented. But, today,I need to applaud not only your success with this issue, but your bravery in disclosure.
I offer you the sincerest congratulations on this milestone in your life, Kristi! The transparency and vulnerability that you have displayed in this eloquent, yet quite public, revelation of your private challenge took great courage. I pray that God will continue to lift you up each day, one day at a time. My mother’s heart was touched that you lovingly shared your milestone with Jackie. Her milestone is not so momentous in the grand scheme of life, but is so all-important to a teenager wanting acceptance from her peers.
Much encouragement in writing your memoir; we all support you and can’t wait to read it. Also, beautiful picture of you and Jean-Marc.
I offer you the sincerest congratulations on this milestone in your life, Kristi! The transparency and vulnerability that you have displayed in this eloquent, yet quite public, revelation of your private challenge took great courage. I pray that God will continue to lift you up each day, one day at a time. My mother’s heart was touched that you lovingly shared your milestone with Jackie. Her milestone is not so momentous in the grand scheme of life, but is so all-important to a teenager wanting acceptance from her peers.
Much encouragement in writing your memoir; we all support you and can’t wait to read it. Also, beautiful picture of you and Jean-Marc.
Kristin,
Thank you for all of the sweet stories of your life. As your life unfolds, there are even more things for us to identify with and things to give us inspiration.
May blessings continue for your family.
XOXO
Kristin,
Thank you for all of the sweet stories of your life. As your life unfolds, there are even more things for us to identify with and things to give us inspiration.
May blessings continue for your family.
XOXO
What a moving and important gift to yourself! Thank you for sharing your story. I think I can confidently say for everyone that we’d love to read more! To another ten years.
What a moving and important gift to yourself! Thank you for sharing your story. I think I can confidently say for everyone that we’d love to read more! To another ten years.
Congratulations Kristi and thank you for sharing with us. After all these years of reading your blog, I felt almost like I knew you and now you have added another dimension to the life you share with us. I feel priviledged to have found you.
Congratulations Kristi and thank you for sharing with us. After all these years of reading your blog, I felt almost like I knew you and now you have added another dimension to the life you share with us. I feel priviledged to have found you.
Dearest Kristin,
You are so very beautiful and brave. Sharing our difficulties, our trials, and ongoing struggles is a way of illuminating the places in ourselves that beg to be given voice. By doing so, you continue to take your power back from them. You give others the gift of deepening their love for you by being allowed to support you where they can. I wish for you every ounce of courage and strength that you demonstrate already… but for it to be multiplied infinitely. Bless you dear beautiful soul.
Robin
Dearest Kristin,
You are so very beautiful and brave. Sharing our difficulties, our trials, and ongoing struggles is a way of illuminating the places in ourselves that beg to be given voice. By doing so, you continue to take your power back from them. You give others the gift of deepening their love for you by being allowed to support you where they can. I wish for you every ounce of courage and strength that you demonstrate already… but for it to be multiplied infinitely. Bless you dear beautiful soul.
Robin
Congratulations on your ten-year anniversary, and Bravo for all it took to get there. You are inspiring your readers in yet another way!
Congratulations on your ten-year anniversary, and Bravo for all it took to get there. You are inspiring your readers in yet another way!