"A step closer to Italy," in today's photo, and increasingly off track in today's story. Read on.
une larme (larm)
: teardrop
Audio file: The captain of this ship's away, so your stuck with my sound recording today… Download MP3 or Wav file
D'ou viens ces larmes? Where do these tears come from?
A Day in a French Life… by Kristin Espinasse
There was once a time when I would wake up and know precisely where to go and what to do: go to your desk and write. For ten years a regular edition, a deadline, and an interactive readership structured my day. My job was to watch life unfold and then try to report back about it, with crossed t's and dotted i's and many experimental flourishes in between.
But for the past few months much of life's unfolding has slipped by, unreported, after I received a friendly gag order from my husband. I understand the need to keep quiet about a certain changement in our life, but this particular restriction has thrown me off course.
Increasingly weak-willed, I have begun to lose my sense of direction—along with the motivation to get back on course. Worse, there is a growing temptation to flounder. Lately, in between productive spurts, all I want to do is watch YouTube gardening videos and vegetate. Permaculture and permarest. Voilà, c'est tout!
This morning I woke up and wondered, What if I stay in bed all day? and so I looked over at my husband, who was reading the news and sipping the tea I'd brought him previously, and I said…
"Et si je restais au lit?"
"Of course, Chérie, stay in bed all day," Jean-Marc replied.
I thanked him for his blessing. Next, I got up, showered, and dressed. Sometimes all a wayward soul wants, more than a resting place, is the hope of a resting place.
I eventually found my way over to the computer, in time to set down these words. I can't place the tears, though.
***
And a question for you… From 2002-2005 this journal went out daily; in 2006 it became a "thrice-weekly" edition. Some say once-per-week would suffice. What do you think? Would you like to receive these updates once, twice, or "thrice-weekly"? Thanks for your feedback here, in the comments box.
French Vocabulary
un changement = a change
voilà, c'est tout = there, that's all
et si je restais au lit? = and what if I stayed in bed (all day)?
chérie (cheri) = dear
Down memory lane: me and Jackie in 2005. Jackie (now 14) and Max (17) get their braces off tomorrow!
Jackie, 7 years later. Smokey says : I'm putty beneath your arms!
Jackie, walking away. Smokey, "What, no more putty? How about my washer-dryer impersonation? Wait! COME BACK, my Princess!"
Changing subjects, I had the chance to visit George Sand's jardin in Nohant (in the Indre department of France). I even swiped a few seeds, collecting them ever-so-gently, hopefully unnoticeably. This yellow flower is the "achilles" flower.
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Kristi,
I love the idea of a goal of 2 or 3 writings each week, when it is possible. That would be a goal–and I think that goals and deadlines have helped you be productive in the past. Two or three a week is a frequency that allows you to be timely about events and issues in your life. We appreciate that you share it with us.
But take time off when you need to–for travel or when something else has a primary spot in your life for a bit. We don’t want you to be tortured.
With a big “changement” coming, I don’t know whether the ease of of your writing will be affected. Do what seems right.
Bonjour Kristin,
Please will you excuse my grammar intrusion again: Instead of ‘si je reste au lit’ when you express an idea starting with ‘et si….’ you need to use the IMPARFAIT tense. Here is the correct way: et si je restAIS au lit!
If you like my facebook page: frenchclass Martine Baboin
you will have access to lots of help with the French grammar. You can also follow frenchclass on twitter: frenchclasstips
I love your stories and the emotion you put into them. I can almost be there with you when I read them. It saddened me to read today’s story and sincerely hope that you’ll be back to being your self soon. Your unhappiness is very real and hopefully you’ll discover its source and find your way back to happiness and well being. Whenever you’d like to write will be fine with me.
Today’s comments remind me how our words and actions can influence others in ways we never dreamed of. Think how happy the 7th grade teacher of Lee from Canada would be if she knew that the little poem she gave her pupil had been treasured all these years, to be recalled and reflected on in times of trouble. I’m going to remember that little poem too, so, you see, there’s a ripple effect. Same goes for your words, Kristen. While, alas, my memory has failed to absorb all the new French words, it has eagerly ushered in many of your little stories, and I reflect on them more than you can imagine. Such is the power of good, honest writing with the personal touch.
Dear Kristin,
,Just reading you words mad me cry.Nothing seems to harder in life than having the “rug pulled out under you”
When my husband died suddenly 2 years ago,I wanted to stay in bed for a year, with the covers over my head. I was fearful of doing anything.All activities were related to Richard, my husband.
Ever so slowly,life made me deal with moving from NYC to the South near my beautiful daughter and grand children.
Your blog….was one of the nicer parts of the day. I would get up,make coffee and read my emails,pretty much your words were the
first ,three times a week
Part of me was jalouse that your life was in France.I wanted to go back again and live there.Then I remembered,it is just as hard in France dealing with the “everydays”
You give me a lot of joy.I hope that mean s something to you.
Mary Keates
Kristin
🙁
I am sad that you are sad..prend courage
I love your blog and will welcome your posts whenever arrive!
Kristin…follow your heart! Your posts brighten my days with their thoughtful musings on life. Thank you for sharing, but let yourself be free to do whatever you need to do for YOU and those you love!
Hi, Kristin. As much as I love your thrice and twice weekly posts, you must do what is best for you and yours, and if anything is left over for us, even a once-a-week post would be wonderful and much anticipated. Is young Max going into the Air Force? Is that what’s making you so sad? I love the photo of you & a much younger Jackie… you are both SO photogenic!
Bcp de bzu, Augusta
DearKristin,
Once a week blog is fine with me, though I do think of you in between your blogs.
Tears in the morning, hum? Well, things are changing for you as they do for all of us. The children are growing up, your life is changing too and perhaps it’s just one of those blue days that happen every now and then. It’s good to really think about what is the matter. Maybe some clarity will follow. But also, avoid any discussions with the children. Given your state of mind and their hormones, things could easily get out of hand.
Courage! Bette
Hey Kristin:
When I read your latest post I thought to myself, “My God, I feel the same way!” For years I have been the person driven constantly by the “To Do” list and now feel listless too. My personal favorite time waster/indulgence is reading especially about geology and dinosaurs.
I was lucky. This year after our yearly week vacation, I told myself, “don’t rush back to work the very second you get home.” That was back in June and slowly, slowly, day by day, I feel my inspiration return. Spending time away from negative people has helped a great deal too.
I’m realizing one very important thing. I MUST start doing more things that inspire me. I’m tired of giving my time and energy to people who disrespect me. I want to do things that I like. I think you should do that too. Think of the funnest thing you can think of for that day, and just do it.
Dear Kristin,
Even without a ‘French] word for the day, your ‘Word a Day’ is a wonderful gift. You have a great talent, which is yours, not ours, and you must care for it. Share it with your family, with us, with the world, in books, in blogs, in private journals – as you see fit – and as you feel like sharing it or not. It is your talent to nurture. We have been very lucky benefactors, but our ‘receiving’ and love of you and your writing does not make you a good writer – you make yourself a good writer. Hold on to your talent and yourself, and see what and how it evolves. Whatever you decide in the end, and whenever you decide to make a change, we are behind you 100%. Even if we never get to read another one of your wonderful stories (which has developed far beyond a ‘french word for a day’), we have all received a wonderful gift in our lives for having been able to read what you have shared over the years – and that is mostly, just yourself! Thank you – and, take your time – your skills are not going anywhere, even if they are put into a ‘holding pattern’ for a while. Take care of your gift, be gentle with it and yourself!
XXOO
Judi
Quelle magnifique témoignage que ces excellentes paroles de tous vos lecteurs!!! Qui pourrait jamais en dire autant ?
Tous ces gentils discours sont remplis d’affection, de sincérité, de bonté envers vous, Kristin.
Chacun et tout le monde ne vous veut QUE DU BIEN !!!
Vous avez un grand talent d’écrivain mais ceci ne remplit pas le porte-monnaie, n’est-ce pas ….?
Alors, dites-nous donc ce qui vous tourmente. L’attente est lourde.
Recevez tous nos meilleurs voeux de bonne continuation, en excellent santé, et que votre nouvelle décision soit la meilleure pour vous !!!!!!!
nadine g. Californie
Hi Kristy,
Now I KNOW your ‘changement’ will involve writing! I love receiving your happenings, but as a writer myself, I am in awe of the constancy of your work. When it becomes a chore, don’t do it. Write because you love to, not because you have to. I am happy to (reluctantly) receive a weekly missive. Your life changes as circumstances change (children growing up etc) and I don’t think we readers can demand more of you. We love you and love hearing from you and your stories have kept us going with the encouragement that we all face similar joys and obstacles the world over. Please, no more tears, you have already done so much for us. Now you must do what is right for yourself.
Love, Jan
Hello Kristi,
I’m happy with once a week or less often whenever you feel the urge. I write a blog at http://www.figureoutfrench.com and I don’t commit myself to a certain number per week or month. I write when I feel I have something I really want to share. Sometimes a month goes by without a post. I really enjoy reading your posts so I’ll look forward to them whenever. Bon courage!
Bonjour, Kristin!
I absolutely love reading your posts and I look forward to receiving them in my inbox thrice weekly! Being a Francophile myself, anytime I receive anything French, it brings a smile to my face.
All the best to you and I send well wishes your way, my friend!
My own quite considerable experience as a blogger (1.5 million hits a year) and newsletter writer is that it is much easier to do something every day than it is to do it three times a week or less.
As you mention in your article you used to have the structure, you used to know what you were going to do. Cutting the frequency may in fact have made writing the emails much more difficult for you.
In fact you have described almost exactly the sequence that I went through when I stopped writing daily. First the free flow of new ideas goes, then the sense of purpose, then the motivation.
Did I mention that I love your emails? So this advice isn’t entirely disinterested!
I have only discovered your blog in the last few weeks. I am trying hard to learn French and they are a great help to me as well as a great read to brighten up the day. I have just got home to England from my first ever visit to Provence –St Remy de Provence- and I am desperate to come back soon! The springtime would be lovely. I am sure as a writer it is your writing that will help you through the good times and the bad and maybe by feeling that you have to write will give you a reason to get up and also help you through the “wobbly” bits . How about writing down everything you would like to say just not publishing it? Write it all down on paper then burn it! By the way I bought both your books to catch up with your story and took them with me to read whilst I was in Provence . I REALLY LOVED THEM.
Lynne
When will we know your surprise? I hope you do continue your blog, even if it is only once a week. Whatever makes you happy, Kristin! I want you to feel more like jumping out of bed each morning – to do something you really want to do and not something you feel you must do! That can get old….
Sending you hugs!
Mary S
Dear Kristi,
Know that you are loved. . . from across the Atlantic.
Valérie
Je vous remercie beaucoup de toutes vos photos et mots. Je les lirais avec plaisir tant qu’ils arriveraient. Bon courage.
Dear Kristin,
Your words bring me a ray of sunshine whenever you post them. You have obviously blessed your many friends with your writing and touched their lives with your open heart.
I have particularly enjoyed the beautiful photographs bathed in beautiful pastels that bring a visual slice of French life to my computer screen here in the North Carolina mountains, so far away that it seems like another world.
Please take care of your heart and know that we all care deeply for you. Wherever you have been, I hope warm memories sustain you, and wherever you go, we are there with you in spirit and support.
Linda
This blog was very unsettling and disconcerting to me as the tone was so sad and I hate to think of you and your family sad. Please know your FWAD family is with you with hugs and positive thoughts. I’m most comfortable with you writing the amount you want to, but would certainly miss less than thrice weekly.
D’où viennent ces larmes? l’incertitude!
Qu’est-ce qui t’arrive, ma belle Kristin?
I love reading your writings, but it’s all up to you. I will always be there when the muse inspires you.
Et comme on dit, “après la pluie, le beau temps!”
Bon courage!
From the Dictionnary App for to inspire: to infuse (breath, life, etc.) by breathing. Take a walk in your fields with your valiant knight, Smokey. Over-stressed fields long to go fallow, to recover. Your readers overwhelmingly are encouraging you to do what you need to heal. You are overwhelmingly loved and appreciated. As I say to mon caniche when he’s worked very, very hard, “Go play!”.
No, no, no, no, and, NO. Don’t ration us more strictly, please. I so much look forward to your posts through the week. It feels like checking in with a friend and I’d miss you.
Of course we’d understand and support you, if you want to do it differently, less often, or occasional, or only books, or never again. It is definitely clear that the book plus the blog (not to mention the health issues, and the other parts of living a life that you write about) all in one year is pretty overwhelming.
But if you continue with the thrice weekly (at least most weeks) and some think less would be enough, they can hit delete. I couldn’t replace you with anything.
Best wishes for the decision and the process.
Life is all about change and growth.
I enjoy reading your news and once a week would be wonderful.
Make the changes you need for yourself and for you life.
I am happy to have discovered you along the way.
I thank you for each of your gifts. I wish you well in every season. And I wish you peace.
Kristin,
All you have to do is read all these posts, each one basically saying that your blog is YOUR blog. When it comes to writing, sometimes you have to stop worrying about what others think, or your style could be clouded over and replaced with a lot of what we see today, bad, stereotypical junk. Choose whatever time frame works best for you, because if there is a sudden bout of writers block you shouldn’t force yourself to write something you aren’t satisfied with. On a side note, remember through all this that faith in God can bring you past any major mountain in your life, because not even DEATH could stand before Him. Your writings are always so beautiful, and it would be a shame for you to push out something that may not be at its peak just because you have a “deadline”.
Of course I’m probably a bit too early to be trying to give someone else advice about life and writings… Just my thoughts 🙂
Embrace change… giving each moment up to life.
Savour it, let it evolve from the void in which it came. Picking, plucking and presenting only that which is so inspired to share. Sometimes more is said between the words.
We are all one.
Expecting the best for you….praying for you love, light, health, happiness and peace.
So sorry Kristin, and I hope all is well soon. A prayer that helps me through the hard times – “all will be well, all will be well, all will be well” Sent with a loving heart.
Max joining the military,
or Jackie leaving home,
one of them going to Italy?
Or, you are needing to write in another genre,
and wondering if you can keep up the blog, too?
I found that when I shifted from writing a twice-weekly blog to once a week, I could also write poems. And now, returning to fiction writing, I give myself permission to post on the blog whenever I want to. If that is what you are struggling with, you can do more than one kind of writing. Just follow the muse.
XO,
Kaaren
I just read your post and I am certain I can’t write anything that hasn’t been already said here in the comments section. BUT, I wanted to say that there are times when it can be very helpful to remove yourself (or be removed) from your regular cycle in able to awaken the senses to other interests that are suppressed by that cycle. To every thing there is a season. Let it happen.
I’b be happy with posts from you that are merely on a whim.
HUGS!!!
Well, Kristin, I’m very concerned. You’ve always been open about your joys and fears. So your reticence sounds ominous. I think your writing gives your life structure, clarity and strength. Unlike the other comments here, I’d ask that you return to your daily schedule, even if it’s just a brief report on the things you see. There’s something special to be experienced every day, and your journal chrystilizes that for you.
Dear Kristin, We love getting your blog. the email is a highlight of my day, BUT…, your health and happiness means much more to me than any blog. Please don’t put so much stress on yourself. Write only when and if you are moved to do so. I agree with Marilyn that maybe it is time for you to move on to something new, and put your energy into writing a novel, or some other creative endeavour. (Or perhaps just live your family life for a while.)
with love, bisous to you and Jean Marc.
Peggy
Hi Kristin
I hardly ever comment, because I too keep very busy, despite the fact that I am retired. Family keeps me busy most of the time, but they are very important.
As all your readers have already said, I appreciate whatever time you can spend on your blog FWAD. You are an inspiration to us all.
Thank you for your informative and heart moving writing. Please know how important it is to us readers and to your own family, that you take good care of yourself.
Gros bisous,
Diane d’Oak Ridge, New Jersey
Kristi,
This is your blog, so I say do what you want with it. =) I, like many others above, absolutely adore your posts. THere are some days that simply taking a moment to read your post keeps me going through my day and able to deal with what my life has thrown me. I only say that as in the way you support so many of us and help us through our ‘rough’ patches, know that your loyal readers will be here to help you through yours as well!
Your blogs, in my opinion, are the best out there (as well as your books!), and I will take them as I can get them. If what is right for you righ tnow is to do once a week, I will take it. If a year from now, you are prepared to shift back to thrice-weekly, I’ll take that. This is your blog, and I think you should be able to do ith it what you want, for sure.
That being said, if we all need something to ‘get us through’ in between your beautiful posts, we can go back to your wonderful books for our ‘fix’ of Kirsti’s life, until your next post.
Hugs.. sending you all the support possible through the internet! =)
Hi Kristin,
Once a week is fine. I get behind in reading what you send, and it piles up. I love reading them when I want to be cheered up. The pictures and stories are wonderful. God bless you!
I love your posts, and would like to see as many of them as you’re up to! I don’t think you have to set yourself to a certain number per week for your blog to remain successful. You can always throw extras in, and I’m sure that your readers will all be happy to see them!
The blog is your art form. You shouldn’t have to conform to a set schedule – it’s not the creative way. Do it when you are inspired – and only then. It really isn’t about what your readers want but what you want. Don’t let the blog run you.
Hi Kristin,
With some introspection you will know the right amount of blog time that works for you right now. That will be fine with me too. No pressure!! Please take care of yourself and family first. You have already given so much to your readers. Your faithfuls will be here… even if you write bi-monthly!
Tears are usually the known or unknown changes to come. Such is life. Your Joie de vivre will be found again! Trust the process Kristin.
Can you listen to Francoise Hardy’s recording of ALL OVER THE WORLD? (try youtube..french or english version) that is my gift to you. All the best.
I believe it should be “D’ou viennent ces larmes?” (plural verb to match plural tears)
Kristin, in the comments in earlier postings, both by you and readers, it seemed that a new “venture” was pending. There were many guesses, and initially, I had no ideas beyond the many that were posted. Recently I’d begun to wonder if maybe you were going to open a cafe at Domaine Rouge-Bleu, and having that responsibility would preclude spending much time on the blog. With a couple of later posts, as folks speculated more about a move, I began to wonder why (if that’s the case) the vineyard, which has made such great progress, might be handled differently (and I know Jean-Marc works exceedingly hard there and elsewhere promoting your excellent wines). With this post, I have become concerned – maybe something related to surgeries or other health issues for one or more family members, or something more serious than just a “change.” You all will be in my prayers.
Around 2006,I discovered FWAD through a link, which might have been from “A Word A Day.” It was love at first sight. It was thrice-weekly by then, and I’ve enjoyed every post, as well as cinema verite. From having created a very small website as part of an HTML course I took a couple of years ago, I realize how very much work is required for a blog, and the effort to maintain it, especially with such great features as photos, an audiofile, various links, etc. – no small effort.
It occurred to me that perhaps for financial reasons – putting the kids through college or other training? – you might need to take a paying job, which everyone understands is necessary. I’ve been happy for you that for some years, you were able to have a variety of experiences, including travel, and weren’t tied to the 8-to-5 grind.
Tears can come for lots of reasons, everything from fatigue to variations in biorhythms or chemistry to shifting schedules to changes, even ones we might be anticipating.
I will be happy to read the blog as often as you care to write it, and an occasional post would be a treat, compared to none. I think back to the things I’ve gained from it: more knowledge of French and French culture, a feeling of online community and caring, information about books I might want to read, recipes, etc. I’ve enjoyed the anecdotes, and occasionally thought to myself, “People are people everywhere, and the kinds of things described give me a sense of ‘this is real life'” – the feeling that sometimes odd events don’t happen just to me. Although we’ve never met, I feel that I know you, and have been please to make the acquaintance of Les Espinasse for the past several years, to sample the wines, and have e-mails I look forward to. I often read them late at night (such as this evening), and they are a calming and enjoyable end to my day.
Whatever happens, un grand merci for everything. And remember, if you get to the Washington area, look me up.
Beautifully expressed.
Not a year goes by when most of us aren’t overwhelmed at some point. Is it time to change direction? Focus on the wonders of your life. Take a break from writing your French Word A Day?
Spend some time by yourself. Think and dream. What is it you see yourself doing in an ideal world? Then do it. You can do anything.
I for one would miss you terribly and will hope you continue to keep us posted at least occasionally. On the other hand, I would rather know you feel fulfilled by what you do than pressured to do that which has possibly worn thin.
In whatever you do, I wish you much happiness and that you’ll keep in touch with us when your comfortable to do so.
Amicalement
Ronni
I agree with JolleyG, once a week would suffice. Your blog keeps me in steady touch with my French roots having left when I was 6 years old. Thank you
Dear Kristin, the summer before my daughter left for college,I cried every day. It was the end of the best chapter of my life. And I realized that suddenly I was among the oldest generation! New chapters unfolded, lovely ones, but never the same. C’est la vie! Enjoy every moment, each is a gift. And live for YOURSELF. Write when you can, s.v.p.
A bit too late but still I had to say that this post touched me…I have had similar experiences…sometimes I think that I cannot get over it but that I do eventually….you have the inner strength and the insight…eventually you will know where the changement is coming from…sending you big sisterly lovexx
I know I’m a little late to this, but I just wanted to put in my two cents. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your family. For me, and for all readers of your blog, your posts are delightful and welcome, but that pales in importance beside the need to take care of you and yours.
I hope you are going through a temporary depression that will lift. Whether it does or not, your first thoughts should be to care for yourself. We’ll be here when you are ready to resume regular posting; in the meantime, keep your eye on the ball.
As a person who has suffered from depression for many years, I know that sometimes, you need to take time for yourself and do what is best. As women, we are natural caretakers, except we often forget to take care of ourselves! If you decide to do the blog less frequently, take a break, or start a new adventure, it’s OK. I support you as I am certain other readers do. Bisous!
Dear Kristin, your blog is precious not only to me. I partake in your life and thoughts and I appreciated this right from the very start years ago, reflecting on how you cope with what life throws your way and what I learn from it and admire. If you feel it has become a chore to live up to your own expectations it is time for a change. Make it a once a week blog if you feel like it. Skip a week and make it a two-weekly posting. Or take time off and write at your pleasure, publish an e-book. We all have ups and downs – and tears are part of both, sorrow and joy! Wishing you all the very best and sending lots of love – ute
I greatly enjoy your comments and the French words that they represent. Your posts are part of the assignments that I give to my students. They are linked from my class website and become a part of our classroom activities from time to time. For that reason, I love the three times per week. However, I know that when change comes into one’s life that you have to grieve and do what’s best for you. Merci beaucoup de tous.