“La Boucherie” in Pélissanne—Notice the lettering on this shopfront (can you translate the French?). I love typography and have always loved language even if I am still capable of butchering French. In today’s story, you’ll understand why…
For our True Crime readers: The Butcher of Paris I've not read the book (read at your own risk) but the title goes along with today's story 🙂
Today's Word: la cotisation
: subscriptions, dues; contributions (social security)
French Audio: Click the link below to hear Jean-Marc pronounce the French words in today's post. Then scroll down to the vocabulary section to practice your French comprehension.
Click here to listen to the French vocabulary
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE by Kristi Espinasse
After completing my tax return early this year it was time to celebrate at the beach with my husband and our dog in nearby Bandol. But the festive feeling dampened when, shortly after submitting ma déclaration d’impôt, I received a registered letter from the French IRS informing me my 2021 earnings were insuffisant.
Insufficient earnings? "What does the French government care if my earnings are lower than usual?" I asked my husband. Jean-Marc was perplexed, too, until he remembered our tête-à-tête last year when we sat down to figure out how I might be eligible for retirement benefits in France. (Turns out, I could use the points accrued in the States, adding them to the points I am finally accruing in France. But that was not all…).
"When you registered for French social security, one stipulation was that you earn no less than the SMIC (minimum wage) in order for your quarterly cotisations to be worthy of your future pension. According to les règles, if you do not earn the equivalent of the minimum wage you are either suspended from the pension points program or assigned another job.”
Assigned another job? But that’s crazy! For one, how am I to fit into a French workplace when I practically butcher the language? And two, I like working from home in my pajamas (teaching French…).
As for insufficient earnings, last summer’s sabbatical was to blame. Back then I justified the break: “most teachers have summer off…” Only I’m not a teacher, but a professional blogger "in the educational sector." Writing, like teaching, is a low-paying job, but for years I have managed to make a wage from blogging and, added to my husband’s, it was enough for us…but apparently it was not enough for the Powers That Be.
Speaking of The Powers That Be, isn’t it eerily Orwellian how the government in France gets to decide what job a future social security recipient will do from here on out? Then again, after so many government directives these past two years, it isn’t surprising.
WHERE’S THE BEEF?
A breakdown of my income shows that in 2021 I earned 15,140 euros (roughly 1400 less than French minimum wage) from my job as un écrivain. This amount includes my earnings from blogging, income from freelance writing, and author royalties (sounds impressive but for 2021 book sales I received a check from Simon and Schuster for a grand total of $138). As you can imagine, any plans to retire and live off royalties are as absurd as the government reassignment scheme I will attempt to explain next:
As per the 1999 "rematch program" the government reassigns workers to more gainful employment, as such, postal workers are becoming hairdressers (making for a choppy outcome if you’re the customer..), gas station attendants are now boulangères (bringing in more bread for a living…), and now a blogger is being reassigned as…drum roll…
“Une Bouchère.”
Blinking my eyes I reread the registered letter, which underscored my transformation from blogger to butcher as “the opportunity to carve out a better retirement.”
“Just who makes these bizarre ‘rematches’?” I asked my husband
“I don’t know,” Jean-Marc snickered. “Artificial Intelligence?”
That’s it! Artificial Intelligence- or A1 (like the famous steak sauce…) Oh là, my mind is already preparing…to prepare meat. But how can AI justify my not-so-meaty qualifications? I mean, apart from butchering la langue (tongue—an edible delicacy in France) aren’t I under qualified to work as a butcher? Come to think of it, as one who turns 55 this year…I join the ranks of older workers who are neither over- or under-qualified, but disqualified for most jobs.
But back to butchering, is this the French government’s idea of une blague? I mean, the only thing I could possibly butcher is an April Fool’s joke.
***
Voilà, dear reader. On this 1st day of April, did you fall hook, line, and sinker for the story? Or, as my husband said, was this one too far-fetched to believe, trop gros à croire? Let me know in the comments. And many thanks for reading and sharing this post.
As a final twist to today's tall tale, here's a local butcher shop that was transformed into an art supply store here in La Ciotat. (That's my mom, on her way out of the store with more paintbrushes.)
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FRENCH VOCABULARY
la boucherie = butcher’s
la cotisation = contributions to social security
la déclaration d’impôts = tax return
insuffisant(e) = insufficient, inadequate =
tête-à-tête = one-to-one discussion
le SMIC “salaire minimum interprofessionnel de croissance” = minimum wage
les règles = rules
un écrivain = writer
la boulangère = baker
la bouchère = butcher
la langue = (double meaning: tongue and language
une blague = a joke
trop gros à croire = too far fetched to believe
I leave you with one last boucherie photo, taken while strolling with Mom in Brignoles, years ago. Corrections to this post are always welcome and appreciated. Merci d'avance.
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Very funny and beautifully written! ❤️ And yes, you did have me for a second there. 😃
Yes, you got me! Thank you for the chuckle, Kristi!
So funny! LOL! Could have believed it! 🙂 🙂 :). Great story Kristi!
Dear Kristi,
As I looked at the calendar yesterday and realized today would be the first of April, I instantly thought of previous entries of yours where I WAS fooled! And this morning when I saw FWAD in my inbox, I smiled, and looked forward to how you would fool us this year! Well done!
I believed you, even though I live in France! So gullible!
One does expect this kind of thing on the 1st of April … but, then again, classic French RED-TAPE could easily come up with this kind of scheme? Great read … merci bien!
Yes! You got me, but then I tend to believe whatever you have to say even after so many years.
Wow! I also believed this! haha.
Bonjour Kristi! Bien joué! You got me. Very clever and well done!
Hi Kristi,
Thanks for the laugh today! I also got a kick out of the last photo of the Boucherie Traditionnelle. Is the gentleman dressed for work in the traditional butcher shop! LOL
I found it totally believable – as practically everything government does seems like it could be brought to life on the stage of the ‘theatre of the bizarre’. the intrusion on our lives by government regulations and controls has spun out of control. Fortunately as an expat living in Turkiye I am not allowed to work here, so interference in our personal finances is never an issue. If I contribute to the local economy by paying for my utility bills, buying groceries and other needs at the shops – the Turks are OK with my presence and offer little to nothing in the way of intrusion. Living in a small village overlooking the Mediterranean Sea is rather akin to living on the far side of the moon to Turkish revenue officials. As for the Boucherie just drop them a note and inform them that you are a former mental patient with a history of violence and that having ease of access to all those knives just doesn’t seem like a good idea at all….
You are too good. This was too close to the bone …and entirely plausible.
You get me every year and I remembered the date this morning too.
Thank you for the laugh!
Damn. You got me! But the mind boggles … were there elements of Truth… and which elements…?! We shall never know. Ah life is indeed a divine mystery.
Dear Kristie, Hi I’m with you. I have enjoyed you for many years with a taste of FRance as well.. I think also you You are true blue. In that vein, here is another writer I’m loving reading and I think he might make money as a satirist, humorist and one never knows: Here is a commercial: His other books writings are equally witty/entertaining. (As a product of well educated son of famous parents, he did them proud I believe as a writer.
“A rollicking good time, Christopher Buckley has transported his signature wit and irreverence from the Beltway to sixteenth-century Europe in The Relic Master” (GQ). This epic quest, “as rascally and convivial as any that Mr. Buckley has written” (The Wall Street Journal), is filled with fascinating details about art, religion, politics, and science; Vatican intrigue; and Buckley’s signature wit “holds the reader till the very last page” (The New York Times Book Review).
…and I was ready for it too!!! Nothing shifts me into Serious Mode like low income and social security. I didn’t even blink at the idea of a silly govt program. Free is good. Donations are good. Other blogs (or vlogs) I follow also have “patrons” who make sure the income is there. Like I said…Serious Mode.
Thank you, Meredith. I am looking forward to reading Christopher Buckley and appreciate the recommendation.
Good one, Kristi! Yet again! I was halfway through before I realized the date and your classic history of tall tales on April 1!
Merci pour le rire!
You got me! But then, I remembered other April Fools Days when you succeeded in getting me. You are a very clever writer, Kristi. Keep it up!
Pas de tout. Je me souviens le blague de catacombes. I fell for that one! This time, I was ready.
You spin the best April Fool’s stories. Thanks for the chuckle.
Every.single.year. Chapeau, madame.
You get me every year!
Hi Kristi. I admit after reading a few lines, I told Wendell it’s April 1!!! Great story though. Miss France so much. Hope to return soon!
Bonjour, Kristi – I believed every word! Sounds absolutely like something the French government would do! 😂😂😂😂😂 Bon weekend!!
As someone who is constantly struggling with French bureaucrats, it had the ring of truth. I bought it hook, line and sinker.
Very amusing! As one who is already planning to move to France in 2 years (actually to retire with my husband) when I was reading your story, I was suddenly starting to worry that we could be “reassigned” since we’re going to be living off of simply our US Social Security. I checked.Fortunately, we’ll be collecting more than the minimum wage in France. Phew! But for a minute, I was starting to panic. Still enjoying your writing…for years. Happy April Fools Day!
Kristi, encore une fois,
tu m’as dupé !
Tax return early? No one I know does an early tax return! least of all me,,, Im lucky if I get it in by Oct 15, the extension date! One good thing about covid ( the only good thing aside from working from home…though 24/7 proximity to a fridge is not good) ) is that I had a extra few months. for my tax return. …so your story didnt ring true! Loved the idea of your being a butcher, were they telling you that you butchered the language??? . HA! ( yes, poisson d’Avril!) I have friends in La Ciotat right now, where is Jean-Marc’s wine shop? they are there for a month from SF… They are loving it!
I fall for your April Fool’s jokes every year! And ALWAYS enjoy them.
Yep, Kristi got me too. And I didn’t really question that the French bureaucracy would do such a thing!
You got me! It was very convincing if not a bit crazy!! Good work, Kristi.
Your story brought me the incredible gift of laughter on yet another very dreary Ohio morning. I felt a bit guilty at first, thinking this is no laughing matter, so I was greatly relieved to get to the end and find out it truly WAS a laughing matter-lol!! Happy April 1!
(I think it struck me so funny because my son and DIL just returned from a trip to Paris and he was telling me how much he loved the ‘laid back, unhurried & friendly lifestyle.’ He said, “I want to be an American Parisian.” Everything in me wanted to share a broader and perhaps more ‘realistic’ view of French life, so your ‘tale’ of French govt woes reaffirmed my ‘obligation to inform him’ in his naïveté-haha!!)
Ha! You get me every year! Well done!!
Well done….hook, line, and sinker!
I have heard you speak in a video and that was from years ago and you do NOT butcher the language.
You had me! Grateful it was a joke!
Happy April Fool’s Day,
Diane
No special comment on the blague, but I wanted to let you know that I went to a wine pairing dinner last night at Rendezvous (the sister restaurant to Bouchon in Asheville NC). They were pairing the wines of the Domaine Rouge-Bleu, and I was able to talk to Thomas Bertrand. Of course we talked about you and Jean Marc with Thomas and with Michel, the owner of the restaurant. Tout était tres agréable.
Yep, you got me!
Hi Kristi,
Yes, you got me again. I know it is April Fool’s Day, but I just let it pass. Great story and I wouldn’t put it past government bureaucracy to create something like that. You could write satire.
Thank you for the laugh. We need it these days.
Peace, Kathleen
😂. I was ready to be outraged, then realized it was April Fool’s Day. You do an amazing job with the French language & I admire you and all you have accomplished.
Tu l’as coince! Bravo!!
I too thought the tax administration had you until you said butcher. Lol. I thought the French thinking their cooking is the best, having to agree as a chef in French cuisine in the past, that they would want experience with butchering. It was a great April Fools!!
You got me the first few years I was following you but I am ready for you on April 1 these days. I loved it – you are very clever and a wonderful writer. I have your books and have enjoyed everyone of them. Happy weekend.
Oh my gosh!!! You get me every year! I was outraged reading about you going to the Boucherie. Then I remembered my granddaughter’s pranks this morning….. April 1st!🤦♀️
Happy Spring, Kristi.
Dear Kristi,
After reading last week’s story, I reminded myself to be prepared for your next post, Friday, April 1st. I told myself to not fall for whatever outrageous tale you had to tell.
And then I fell for it, yes, hook, line and sinker. It happens every year! You are so good at this…and I am so gullible.
Not this year! But it was probably one of your most believable ones.
You are so BAAAAD. We have become vegetarians after having read this, haha.
I totally fell for your story but it is truly believable!
I was ready this year because I have fallen for it several times in the past!
After saying Rabbit, Rabbit upon awakening this morning, my next thought was, “what is Kristi’s story going to be today?” Your French is at a very high level. You come across as very self confident. Pat yourself on the back!