Midsummer night in La Ciotat. Families at their pop-up picnic tables, people swimming into the night, and the historic shipyard in the background, beneath a mauve sky. I'm going to bottle up this peaceful scene and shake it out in bits–in the kitchen, in the bedroom–wherever there's conflict….
Two words today: gérer and débrouiller
: to manage and to sort things out
Audio File: Click here to listen to the following sentence
Il faut arrêter d'éssayer de gérer les gens et plûtot les laisser se débrouiller.
One must stop trying to manage people and, rather, let them sort things out.
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE
Andale! Andale! Ariba ariba! Along with the morning dew, a vapor of Spanish commands are rising from the studio below our bedroom. It's 6 a.m. From our open windows I recognize my Mom's voice and determine she is trying to get our golden retriever, Smokey (wanting attention after guarding by the foot of Mom's bed all night), to se casser (or, in kinder words, skedaddle!).
I jump up and hurry over to the stairs…when something stops me in my tracks: The realization that I cannot, I must not, continue to micromanage every family member (this being a message from ALL my family members–except our sweet golden…). No matter how tempting it is to assist, to sort out, to unravel their sticky situations, I have got to let my family–all three generations living under this roof–solve their own problems!
VAMOOSE! (Oooh, Mom is now desperate for slobbery Smokey to exit her room, pronto! I can just picture our 9-year-old golden, his head resting on the side of Mom's bed, drool coming out of his mouth. A near-death experience as a puppy means Smokey's tongue hangs permanently from the side of his mouth, causing him to drool excessively. Mais la bave n'a jamais fait du mal à personne! (A little spit never hurt anyone!)
Nope, not gonna help this time. Je ne me mèle plus! Je vais m'occuper de mes propres oignons! I'm going to mind my own business. Mom can handle a slobbery dog, my daughter can deal with her US passport renewal, my husband, brushing his teeth in the bathroom, will eventually discover his pillow is missing from his side of the bed. I need not call to him, "ton oreiller, tu l'as laissé en bas, devant la télé! You left your pillow downstairs, in front of the T.V." He'll figure it out himself tôt ou tard. What difference does it make whether I save my family a bit of time in the finding out and solving of things?
Besides, every time I step in to their situations, my intentions are seen as either nagging or bossy or–and here's the latest–"verging on bullying!")
Who me? A bully? That's almost as bad as the time my husband called me a pitbull! I admit, that one was hard to swallow! But, over the past 6 months, I've come to see (acknowledge? accept?) this tendency to badger my family until they understand my point. But perhaps there is another way?….
The way of letting go and letting others do as they will….
Leaving the stairwell this morning, I got right back into bed. As the floor fan whirled beside me (week two of the heatwave), I could feel a smile forming across my face as I listened to birdsong outside my window…punctuated by the screeching of a magpie and a new, cantankerous melody:
"Andele! Andele! Arriba! Ariba! VAMOOOSE!!!"
Haha! If it were me I'd tell Mom to try French or English (the languages my dog responds most to…). But that's the old me. The new me says nothing–and laughs more! Oui! La nouvelle moi elle dit rien. Elle rit souvent! And she takes the lessons, even those that are hard to swallow, in stride.
We may or may not be as others say we are (butterflies or pit bulls–or, more likely, somewhere in between). But in considering it all, in stopping to reflect on our own behavior, surely we grow.
SELECTED FRENCH VOCABULARY
gérer = to manage
se débrouiller = to sort something out for oneself
se casser = to get out of here
faire du mal = to hurt
la bave = spit, drool
se mêler = to meddle in, interfere in
s'occuper = to take care of
un oreiller = a pillow
tôt ou tard = sooner or later
le poulailler = henhouse, chicken coop
I leave you with a peaceful scene from our garden. Notice the top of the wooden stake. That's "Rusty", a turtledove that lives here. He loves our new chickens, follows them around, wanders into their pouilailler, and helps himself to dinner. "Help yourself"–a lesson we can all take to heart.
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Yes kristin time to let go the reins . As my partner’s Mum used to say ,’they are old & ugly enough to do it themselves !!’ I take it the chickens & Smokey have worked out a working relationship ?
Keep cool ! The temps are supposed to go down here on Weds ( I hope !)
This is a wonderful topic. As women, we want to soothe other’s problems, but the advice to let others fend for themselves, is a good one.
Hi Kristi,
It’s hard to keep quiet and not say anything though isn’t it? I am a bit like that too and I have to stop myself. I feel like I always have to fix things or help in some way. Sometimes it is just better to let things just be. 🙂
It is so hot here too! It was 35 degrees celsius here yesterday (95F)…..We are supposed to have another week of this! At least we have air conditioning to escape to!
Keep cool! Are you going to the sea every day?
A lot more French than usual in this post, awesome! You’re learning a great lesson and the entire family will benefit from your efforts. God bless!
You are so wise! What a great anecdote, too. I also loved the complete sentences in French.
As I have often heard lately. “They will figure it out” and “it’s not my rodeo”. In the end they will survive and just perhaps, life might be a bit easier for you. Let go, smell the lavendula. Ride the wind…..and remember. Doesn’t mean they still don’t need you, just in a different way.
Sometimes letting people make and learn from their mistakes is really hard. I do love reading Jules Spanish remonstrations to Smokey. I often revert to “Franish” here in Mexico. I’m trying hard to say something in Spanish when a French word or phrase flys out of my mouth. I have a feeling when I’m in Antibes next month the opposite will happen. Ni modo.
Thank you! This was just what I needed to hear!
Good luck, Kristi, as the Dalai Lama says, Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
Jackie
What a good lesson for all of us. Merci!
Hope to meet up again when I’m back in the area. Carol
Not my circus, not my monkeys! I had to tell myself that frequently before I finally learned to detach! But it feels good to let them se débrouiller after so many years of trying to solve all their problems. You are practicing that wisdom perfectly. Félicitations!
Chère Kristi,
Bon conseil. Je ne oublierai pas cet nouvelle expression: “ Il faut arrêter de gérer les gens
er plûtot les laisser debrouiller.”
Mille mercis!
Belle journée.
Marti
I was once given a cow bell with a pretty red ribbon on it that said “BOSSY” ( from a dear friend). I though I was helping! What a sweet reminder to let others..just do it themselves.
Congratulations. Very happy for you. Love this post.
Love today’s post!
In a 12 step program you would hear, “hands off, pays off”. Always my go-to.
Bravo! T’avais transformee:)
From one bossypants to another, it’s hard to let go of the reins. But you write about it with such grace. I bet you’ll succeed!
Such a good reminder, thank you! (et merci!)
Don’t sweat somebody else’s small stuff!
My mom used to call me bossy Natalie so I’ve definitely been this way even when I was little. Thanks for writing about this topic today. It was what I needed to hear since my son is going off to college in a few days.
Bravo!
Kristi, you are absolutely doing the right thing! Very wise of you to realize you need to let others solve their own little problems and not interfere, but relax and enjoy family life. Good for you.
Regarding la bave–actually, I read a horrible story about it in the paper the other day. Fortunately, the problem is very rare. https://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/nation/the-shocking-reason-that-this-mans-legs-and-hands-were-amputated-a-dogs-saliva/
Our dear Kristi,
Your words hit very close to home!
As women(and especially loving our families)I think one of the hardest things to remember is that we have an
obligation to ourselves–and to keep remembering that,no matter
how crazy life can get.
So important and often so hard to do!
Love
Natalia. Xo
This post is one big gentle reminder to all of us, Kristi, cushioned by your
unabashedly candid reflections and priceless sense of humour. Merci!
I agree with your point as it relates to humans, and it is a timely reminder for me. When it comes to the possibility of Smokey’s feelings getting hurt by loud early-morning demands that he go away, however, that is a different story. Smokey, after all, cannot speak for himself in words and may need you to gently remind your mother that he is a tender sweetheart whom she should not push away by yelling at him (particularly in a language he does not understand).
Our Dad used to call one of my sisters “Lawrence Welk” — the band leader of old because she was always telling everyone what to do. It seems that sometimes we all want to be in control & lead “the band.” thanks for the reminder that we just need to let go. Et Merci, Norma in Texas
Live, Learn, Let Go, and LOVE!
The oldest child always has a “mothering instinct” whether male or female!!
There are exceptions to everything!!
As for poor Smokey, he is typical golden retriever: caring,nurturing, full of love,
and the inherent need for acceptance and love in return for his dedication!
I often have the opposite problem. I want to just let everyone do as they will, yet as a parent, this doesn’t always bode well. 😉 We all need to keep working to find the right balance between managing others and letting them figure it out on their own.
Thank you, thank you Kristin. What a wonderful reminder.
Please, more about the “new” way to support your site by check.
Dear Kristi,
I have spent my fair share of time over many years trying to fix things for my family members. At some point I was forced to focus on myself and discovered that everyone eventually did just fine on their own! What a revelation…it changed my world!
Once more you have taken us down a path that many of us can share as we walk it together…
Hi Kristi, This is amazing as I give toooo much helpful advice often. Thank you!!! I was just asking God earlier this evening what to do about this way I have, and He sent your story, I do believe!!!
God bless, C-Marie
Magnifique! Vous avez me gagner (won me over) avec ce morceau de sagesse! JamesO, Sonoma
Yes, please, more about the “new” way to support your site by check!
Hi kristie,
I am going to take your suggestion/realization today..all day..and see hoe it works.
PS…How do you pronounce CIOTAT?c
Ahhh, I could have written these words, for sure! I’m one jump ahead, my way would be easier, quicker, better….
So easy to just do it for others without getting them involved…..etc. etc. That tendency will never fade away but, like you,
I am trying to kill a habit (of 70+ years)!
Thank you for your beautiful honesty.
Leslie
I’m right there with you, unlearning the very same lessons! I’m the only one under my roof, but I can still micromanage from afar! This letting go allows us the time to focus on birdsong and frees our lips for more smiles and laughter. Beautiful, yes?!
Best wishes, dear Kristi, as we practice being mindful of our behavoir and trusting others to do the same. Hugs!
Bonsoir, Thank you for your lovely story and the garden picture. Joan
Who, moi? Control other people? I am behind everyone on this because I didn’t even consider that I was like that! I sure am! I have a friend staying at my place while I am away and I am dying to “help out” with suggestions, answers to problems he might have, etc. He clearly doesn’t need my help and I feel stumped!
On another note, I re-watched your Smokey and the yogurt cake video.
It is so light and perfect and delicious. And easy as pie.I had never made it in all these years. Thank you for your wisdom and yummy treat