Dear Reader,
The regular edition of French Word-A-Day will return in a few days. Meantime, I've been trying to write a eulogy for my belle-mère without sounding too sentimental, too dramatic, or too poetic–but all of these things, from poesie to sentimentality, evoke the richness of Michele-France's life. This–and her humor, her stubbornness, and that charming gap between her front teeth (the French have a term for this: "happiness teeth" or les dents du bonheur)–only begin to paint of picture of our beloved, ginger-haired Pied-Noir (born in Meknes and proud of it. She was the daughter of an equally strong-willed mother).
Since losing Michèle-France on Christmas Eve, I have pinpointed just what it is that provokes each flood of tears, each hiccup of emotion, each groan in my throat as I toss in bed, walk past her apartment, or sit on a pew watching the curtains close in front of her flower-topped casket, as I did Thursday. It is the realization that there will be no more. No more "My darlings" (Ma chérie, she would say with such tenderness), no more visits to her little apartment up the street, no more shared yogurt cakes, no more "I didn't want to bother Jean-Marc so I'm calling you to remind him to…" no more attitude towards the nurses, sass towards the shop assistants as she limped into the store with the help of her cane and her granddaughter, no more intelligent jokes, no more beautifully painted-red fingernails, a string of gold rings (one from her son) below, no more Elvis, no more bodyguard, no more teasing me about her son's ex-girlfriends, and, I will admit…
NO MORE TAPENADE. You little rascal, I say to my belle-mère during another earth-to-heaven conversation. I've asked you for years for your tapenade recipe. And you went and took it with you!!
In a poignant send-off arranged by the crematorium, to the tune of Love is all we have left, the curtains at the front of the ceremony room open once again. My belle-mère's casket is gone and all that remains is a crown of flowers on the floor. I am stunned.
* * *
"I miss you so much it hurts," I wrote on Facebook, where my mother-in-law's account is still live. Though she struggled with technology Michèle-France did not let a learning curve keep her from keeping up with the times. Quickly overlooked by her Facebook friends (including some of you) were the gaffes she made (like using a photo of a stranger (you?) as her profile picture. And posting another photo–this time of one of my sponsor's luxury villas–to use as her cover photo). Her grandchildren (or was it my sister-in-law? for Jean-Marc had given up) eventually came to the rescue, helping her to find a suitable picture of herself to use as her profile (and the luxury villa was replaced by a more modest interior belonging to….my sister-in-law! This all could be explained by the following: while my belle-mère tried to conquer technology–she still couldn't figure out her smartphone camera, or else she might have posted a picture of her own lovely salon, or living room.).
My heart now in a brace, I clicked open Messenger to read over the SMS conversations we'd had over the years. Michèle-France's texts were filled with gratitude and those silly stickers she got me to use, too (do you know the one with the dog digging in the ground and retrieving the big I MISS YOU heart? She was telling us she missed us even before she left this earth).
Now it is our turn to feel the weight of her absence. How heavy it is! Heavy as all those buckets of olives we were planning to cart over to her little apartment when, last fall, she announced that she was feeling better–good enough to make another batch of tapenade. We never got to make that tell-all batch, in which the longtime mystery (those ingredients!) would be revealed. Instead, a bigger mystery has replaced it: Where in the world is my belle-mère? I've been looking for her everywhere–in the sky, in my dark room at night, in the intricate designs in the tiles on my bathroom wall, in the waves crashing across the shore here in La Ciotat, at the top of our cypress tree beyond a bent branch–surely she's looking down on me? I can hear her tender voice, Ma Chérie, Ma Chérie….
She is, I decide, in every particle in everything, everywhere and everlasting. She is as close as a memory…as far as the Heavens. Surely she is up there–waving her tapenade recipe, smiling with those charming dents de bonheur. There is nothing she would keep from you or me, least of all her generosity. In the coming year, I will be reaching, reaching high for those heavenly instructions. I will share with you anything I find.
Amicalement,
Kristi
My mother-in-law (those charming "happiness teeth"), my husband, and good ol' Mr. Sacks, who my belle-mère called "Monsieur Sacoche".
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Thoughts and prayers go to you and your family. Sharing in your sorrow.
Lindy
Kristi, My heart goes out to you during this sad time. What a lovely tribute you have written! My your sweet memories comfort you.
Elle reste toujours dans ton coeur, chere Kristi.
Our dear Kristi,
Your beautiful words and your love filled thoughts absolutely wrap themselves around our hearts.The courage you are showing now is beyond inspiration for all of us.
Always,our prayers are with all of you.
These Selected Verses from Ben Sira have so helped me to go on.
Fear not death;we are destined to die.We share it with all who ever lived,with all who will ever be.
Bewail the dead,hide not your grief,do not restrain your mourning.But remember that continuing sorrow is worse than death.When the dead are at rest,let their memory rest,and be consoled when the soul departs.
Death is better than a life of pain,and eternal rest than constant sickness.
Seek not to understand what is too difficult for you,search not for what is hidden from you.Be not over occupied with what is beyond you,for you have been shown more than you can understand,
As a drop of water in the sea,as a grain of sand on the shore are man’s few days in eternity.The good things in life last for limited days,but a good name endures forever.
Wonderful Michele France is sending you strength.
Please know our arms are tight around you.
Love
Natalia XO
… Kristi…. a soulfilled tribute to your belle mere. When you hold Jean-Marc… you are still holding a bit of her here on earth. Have no fear, she will be always, in the dishes she taught you and in the lavander you pick, the tomatoes you will grow. Always just there, beside you… quietly. Judi. Tallahassee.
What a lovely testament to the incredible person your belle mere had to have been. Only someone of infinite grace can leave such a hole in the hearts of those they love. Only someone capable of deep love can touch so many hearts. How lucky you all were to have one another. Blessings to you and your family. May you and your grief learn to peacefully coexist.
That was simply beautiful
What a lovely tribute to such a lovely woman.
Kristi, thank you for making this beautiful lady part of our lives, too.
Kristi, the depth of feeling which shows in all of your writings has never been more apparent than in your appreciation of your mother-in-law. You are an appreciator, which is why your readers love you.
Lovely tribute to an amazing and generous person. Thanks for sharing her with us over the years. Your tribute to her brought tears to my eyes, as I remember the loss of my mother 17 years ago, and of my dad just 2 and half years ago.
May she be for all of you in the beauty of the day to day, and hoping that tapenade recipe fall from heaven soon!
Bisous,
Jo
Dear Kristin,
I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I’m so sure it it very raw and painful right now but you all will learn to live with the pain.
Your description of your belle-mere’s “les dents du bonheur” reminds me that my father had the same and he was one of the happiest person I ever met. Now I know it was because of the space between his front teeth!
Thanks for that.
Best wishes to all,
Roseann
J’ai les larmes aux yeux:(
Kristy,
I am so sorry for you and your family. This post was such a beautiful tribute to a special person who you obviously loved dearly. She was lucky, to be so loved and to have such a loving daughter-in-law.
Take solace in that, the best gift that you could have given her.
Take care,
Melynie
She sounds like she was a wonderful woman. You show tribute to her well.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Thanks for your touching and excellent elegy…one day at a time the pain will ease.
Tears.
A beautiful and loving eulogy for your belle-mere.
Nothing can take your belle-mere from you, not even death.
dear Kristi and family, remember ….
Grief is the price of love ~~
Deepest sympathies to all Michele-France’s family.
Elaine
Your belle mere, and Jean-Marc’s maman became a beloved friend of your readers. Her wisdom, her quirks, and her smile will be missed by so many of us who never knew Marie-France face to face. She will be missed by many, and has left a part of herself with us through you. May she Rest In Peace and be remembered fondly. My sympathy to everyone in your family. Nancy Mulloy-Bonn
Dear Kristin , it is so beautifully written your post . You express so well the longing to see your lovely Belle – Mere . I feel for you lots of love Carole xxx
Chère Kristi,
Je suis emu d’apprendre la disparition de votre belle mere. Reçois mes pensées et mes plus sincères condoléances.
Votre belle mere vivra toujours dans votre coeur.
J’espère que ce track peut vous apporter du réconfort.
Sincèrement,
Marti
How beautiful! Your writing was so powerful today it startled me a little.
You wrote beautifully of your belle-mere. Mine died a month ago. She was only 97.
Kristi, my condolences to you and your family! I feel I knew your Belle Mere from the lovely writing of her and her life you have shared with us! Although I haven’t written much lately, you have touched my heart and I send you support as you pass the days ahead with your loss. I have a feeling that Tapenade recipe will appear one way or the other! At least I hope so!
Always best wishes, Georgia
What an amazing eulogy you have shared with us. Thank you! I’ve tried to write about Chris, and it is so difficult – there is just so much about the ones we love we want to say and share, and so many feelings and thoughts that keep our hearts and minds so active. I just try to focus on all the wonderful memories and times shared with my loved ones. I think you have captured so many facets of your very special belle-mere, I’m sure Jean-Marc, Max, and Jackie really appreciate your ability to put this down in writing. I am in awe! My warm thoughts are with you.
Blessings to you and your beautiful family. Xxx
Dear Kristi,
thank you very much for your moving words. I am touched by them. I would like to add that she is in your hearts, first and foremost. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.
Regarding family recipes, check her spice rack. Often times it is just one single secret ingrediant, which no one else adds.
She is not gone. She is in your heart forever. Condolences to you and yours
Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute to her. Your writing so reflects our shared human experience and reminds us of what is important. This touching, expressive, so very human post is worth returning to many times as we remember those we have loved.
Kristi,
This is your Eulogy. Well said.
Kathleen
This is one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever written, Kristi. It is a sweet gift to your Belle Mere.
Bravo Kristi for the beautiful and heartfelt tribute. She must have loved you so…
Dear Kristin,
You’ve written a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your loving belle-mère. She knew how much you loved her, and she showed you how much she loved you, her son’s lovely wife, in simple ways like calling you “ma chérie” and making her tapenade for family dinners. Your “I miss you so much it hurts” made me cry because it reminded me of how I felt at my mother’s death 17 years ago. Keep talking and thinking about her, and hopefully the fond memories of happy times together will eventually overshadow the feeling of loss, and the feelings of gratitude for having her in your life will help you cope and pass on the love she gave.
Je t’embrasse ! – Lorena
Choose Joy. Everyday, make a conscious decision to choose joy.
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in] e.e. cummings
Kristi, my condolences to you and your family on the death of Michele-France. She will be with you always, most of all in your heart.
Kristin , What Lovely tribute to your Belle Mere. she is with you partout chaque jour Je suis sure xx
What a beautiful tribute to your belle-mère. I’m thinking of you. Much love.
“there will be no more.” No more in this life, but life is eternal, and you will see her again
Chere Kristin,
May her memory be a blessing to you and to all who knew and loved her. Thank you for sharing …and who knows, her tapenade recipe may be hidden somewhere just waiting for you to find it…
I never considered the gap in my front teeth an attractive feature; but now that you have written the French term “dents de bonheur”, I am rather pleased with my smile.
Please accept my condolences.
May she Rest in Peace until we meet her in heaven. Praying for you and Jean-Marc. She
probably left the recipe in a gift box somewhere for you! Peace Sister.
Marina Garcia
Dear Kristi,
As always, such a beautiful, heartfelt message, teary one too. May your mother-in-law’s generosity of spirit live on, carry this forward (and when you are ready good luck recreating her tapenade).
The loss is so great as our love is so great. Sending you a warm hug and prayers for your comfort. I love you.
So very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.
Beautifully written, Kristi! I wish I could have met your mother-in-law. So sorry for your loss.
Hi Jackie
Please extend our sincerest condolences to your family. I know the pain of losing parents, the mother and grandmother is so very profound. I am happy to know you were close to her and have many many happy memories to cherish forever❤️
Hope to see you and Max soon .
Please remember you have friends who love you in Los Angeles!
You will see her walking ahead or you will smell her or you will hear her voice unexpectantly.
I am sorry for your sadness. Joan
Kristi, how wonderful to discover this missed piece from the turn of this year — your richly evocative eulogy to Michelle-France. Fills my heart! I found it via the link in your new May 28 2018 “French Mother’s Day & J’ai la dalle” account of a typical reframed-on-the-fly Mother’s Day whereon the winds change ‘plans’! … and from there to here, “Les dents de bonheur”. Then in turn to one from almost eight years ago, “troisième âge,” in which another word portrait of this redoubtable, tender, and much-beloved woman conjures her still-living presence — always with you all, no matter what. Thanks to your timeless love’s fueling your expressive skills, dear Kristi, Michell-France is vividly with us of your cyber-clan too. (These stepping stones through a few past blogs bring her so close again that I can almost put my arms around her and feel her bristle with mock dismay.)
http://www.french-word-a-day.com/2010/08/enchante.html
Michelle-France — an ‘e’ eluded my fingers!
Thank you, Kitty, for your note. I am so happy you felt this connection. Yes, Michèle-France is vividly here, each time we remember her, each time the sun rays alight on her chair in our garden, each time we eat tapenade…
Thanks for the link to this post. I missed it and it helps me to deal with today’s post. I am sure you will find a way to create your own unique tapenade recipe and the memory of hers will always feed your soul when thinking of your dear mother-in-law.
Hi Kristin,
I just came across this post of yours in my inbox while filing my language learning lessons; it was one I hadn’t opened up before. I’m so sorry for your loss.
The title of the post jumped out at me being a dentist. What a charming expression.
What also jumped out at me, which I don’t have any other way of alerting you to than by public comment (which you, as the moderator, can choose not to approve once you read it, as it really isn’t a comment of general interest) is that you’ve misspelled “eulogy” in the title. It’s a small mistake and understandable under the circumstances where you were mourning. If I’d noticed it then I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but it’s been almost two years and I thought as a writer of published memoir you wouldn’t mind it now at this remove.
Thanks for finding sponsors to enable your language learners to subscribe for free to your blog.
Lesia
Lesia