I was listening to my car radio, as a French psychiatrist spoke about trauma. He mentioned three groups of victims.
The first are those directly affected (physically injured) by the event.
The second are those who witnessed the event.
The third are those who are aware of the event: you and I.
I don't know anyone personally who was in the attack in Nice. A friend of my daughter's lost her aunt. Typing those words brings a swift physical reaction, tears shooting to the surface of this vessel. It is a strange and mysterious vessel, sometimes out of my own control (tears, twitchings). We walk our vessels around, our souls nestled somewhere inside. Where? In our big toe? In the depths of a dilating pupil? Or somewhere in the brain where, like God beyond a cloud, I have always pictured this to be. (I don't mind if you think I'm naive.)
It is all un mystère. It is not vital to know our origin. We will go on breathing, hearts beating. Some of us search for meaning, knowing (or reminded by others) that we cannot know beyond what we see.
(Love being one exception.)
This brings us to another mystery: our emotions. How are we feeling right now? Numb, guilty, sad, angry, misunderstood, in love, in despair, confused? Do we want to eat? Shop? Sleep? Is it right, wrong on a day like today?
As France begins three days of national mourning, we are given a hint on how we should proceed over the next days: en deuil. Up to each one of us to decide what it means to mourn and how we will do it.
The radio psychiatrist I told you about went on to give advice about what to do after a traumatic event: Parler. Talk. This is what I am doing now. Thank you for listening. If you would like to talk, too, join us here in the comments box.
Amicalement,
Kristi
Picture of our dog and our precious daughter. I have learned over the past 6 months that words cannot always ease suffering. So I have narrowed down my words, to two in particular, and I believe these two words do help those experiencing despair: Hold on.
Thanks for sharing this post. This poem might be of help to you as well: Desiderata, in English and in French, click here.
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I agree. Love your people. Talk to them. Talk to new people, too, because you might just start loving them.
Kristin, your words brought back the memories of how I felt after 9/11 occurred . I could not hold back the tears which came often during that time. But talk helped and after a while, these uncontrollable tears stopped. I did not know anyone who actually was in New York and experienced that disaster, but what I did know was that things would never be the same. We experienced evil and sadly it continues. I pray everyday that God will remove terrorism from our world, so that we all can once experience joy in the entire world. God bless all the people of France who seem to be getting more than their share of this evil!
I have gone through the ‘stunned silence’ phase and have now talked endlessly to my poor husband about it. Round and round we go again and again. But you are right, we soothe ourselves by getting it out of our bodies. Living at the moment in Les Arcs, it feels very close. I like to be respectfully quiet too and just sit for a moment in the cool dark of the church.
Merci pour le message simple.
Although I live a long way from Nice- in the Dordogne- I have people who I maybe play Scrabble with on line and have never met- in USA- asking how I am, if I’m safe- this happened after the terrible tragedy in Paris.
Thank you for your words on here today.
I feel sad not only for what is happening in the world but because I have a disabled husband going through dreadful depression and I’m unable to help, I do what I can but its never enough
Merci Kristin. Tears welled up as I was reading, I am going to join up with a French speaking meeting group today to do exactly what you’ve suggested, talk and listen. And be with others similarly affected. Peace and light,
Yes, talk and talk even to those who we don’t agree with, and try to bring reconciliation and peace wherever we can. We have been reeling here with the mounting body count of young black men and some women dead at the hands of police, Orlando, Dallas…now Nice. Je vous embrasse fort,
Jo
I too was transported emotionally to 9/11 when I learned of the attack in Nice Thursday night. At times yesterday I was almost paralyzed … Losing a train of thought … Forgetting what task I was about to do. Talking last night helped me realize why I’d been transported emotionally to 9/11 when I was a witness working in downtown Brooklyn when the planes hit, walking through ash and pulverized glass and concrete. I wasn’t at ground zero but only 2 miles across the river so I was affected and still jump at loud noises and constantly look for exits when in crowds. Every work day I still travel to Brooklyn through the Prt Authority bus terminal and subway and have a mental map of escape routes if the unthinkable happens. In 2013 I spent 2 weeks on vacation in Nice. Our apartment was on the top floor overlooking the Promenade Anglais on the corner of Rosa Bonheur a small street leading to Californie. Yesterday I kept trying to image be how such a large truck could have gotten to the avenue abutting the Promenade and decided it must have been near the hospital. I read last night that was the attacker’s route. All of these attacks are horrendous. I think this attack hit me hard because of my knowledge of the city, my memories of the people I met, the shopkeepers who made my vacation so wonderful. So the words of the psychiatrist on your radio have helped me to understand how deeply my grief is for the people of Nice. Thank you as always Kristie.
Thank you Kristin. I live very far from Nice, in Reunion Island but when I turned the radio on at 6am, just after waking up,I felt so deeply hurt, so deeply sad, I couldn’t help crying. I discussed this horrific tradegy with my students and we all felt so helpless, not being able to show and give our support, show and give our love for real to all those suffering, over 10,000km away. So deeply sad… but yes, you are right : “Hold on” is the only way to go.
It is good that helpful advice is broadcast. I lived in NYC, and worked in the financial district, on September 11, 2001. I believe the Public Service Announcements were helpful to the city. Reminding us what was normal – feelings, reactions, thoughts – in an abnormal time. I felt for those in New Orleans, who were disbursed after Hurricane Katrina, and probably did not have the opportunity to benefit from the same type of valuable information. Comfort each other. Talk as long as you need to tell the story. 🙏🌎
Kristen, as always your beautiful words are such comfort as we mourn wth Nice and all of France.
Thank you
Marcia Stoub
My first reaction was to say to myself, “not again!” My second reaction was, “When will this madness ever stop?”
My dear friends in Nérondes told me that the the Vice Mayor lost his son in Nice on the 14th. I didn’t know him but the little town is very dear to me. Last night all the residents put a candle in their window. My home is approximately 9000km from there but a candle in my window was burning last night too.
Last November my daughter was locked in her office and hiding under her desk when the shooters attacked her office compound in San Bernadino, CA. We were terrified and all we could do was wait to see if she was going to be okay. We came to the realization that no one is immune from this type of an event. We were so re-leaved when we learned that she was safely evacuated from her office. In the aftermath out family became closer.
Perhaps the tragedy in Nice will have a similar effect and make the people even stronger than they are. My observation of the French is that they are very resilient. My deepest condolences go out to all the families and friends of those who were lost.
Good words … Talk. Hold on. Thanks for sharing! Reminded me that even I the hardest of times, ‘connection’ and ‘hope’ are 2 good gifts we can be thankful for. There is always something to be grateful for. Continuing to talk to God on behalf of our precious French friends and hang on to hope for all of us:)
yes. hold on.
First, thanks Kristi for your 14 years of work uniting us and making us closer friends of France. Second, patience and fortitude from here . . . we have been there. We are helping an immigrant couple with their English, and take comfort from their happiness that they have a chance. Our son is a diplomat in Sudan, working to see East African kids get the treatments for polio and malaria they need; he has helped thousands so far. So — each of us, back to work. There are more of us than them. — John
Your words echo what many of us are feeling – and reading these comments makes me realize that there is more kindness in this world than evil. I’m far away as well, in Canada – though at times like this, the world seems a bit smaller and I feel as if this has occurred to friends and family. The same day that we were watching the news of the attack, in this country we were awaiting to hear news of a missing five year old precious girl; her mother had been found dead in her home, the child missing. Sadly, the child was found dead – so watching the news was just gut-wrenching. It makes me feel a bit better to know that we are all grieving together. I too will place a candle in the window tonight; for everyone. Thanks for your words – blessings to all.
Well said, Krissy…in a time when it is not easy to know what to say.
I just continue to believe that good will triumph over evil, and that the more of us who think good thoughts, the better the world will be. It is hard right now, but I continue to hope.
Love to the niçois, and everyone else who is grieving in France, and abroad.
Sorry – I typed too fast, KRISTI!
It’s an upside down world we live in at present, and one would have to be catatonic to not feel great sorrow at times. And the more sensitive a person is, the greater the sorrow, but the greater the joy when that sorrow lifts. Yes, it’s a crazy ride we are on, and we must just hang on. One never knows what is around the next corner … maybe the sun will be warm on our shoulders, the wind will be at our back, and the ride home will be a little easier.
I am so sad. My husband and I were in Nice in May and walked along the Promenade. My stomach turned upside down when I heard about this horror just as it did when I heard about the carnage in Orlando, another place that I have been, Dallas where my brother lived, Paris that I love so much, and when the twin towers were hit–I worked in Manhattan then. I am sickened by this violence and disregard for life. Every day, at dinner I make a toast to world peace.
“I will lift up my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? The Lord, the maker of heaven and earth…” https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+121&version=KJV
Lifting the eyes up is an act of the will: when we’re downcast, it takes a conscious effort to look up, seeking something bigger than ourselves…something mountainous and marvelous and massive, something so big that it can bear our hard questions. King David screams out, “Where…? Why?…” and spends the rest of his Psalm reminding himself of the basics: God is better than me, He loves me, and His plan is a whole lot more complex than my petty vanity can grasp.”
It isn’t Mother Nature that the psalmist refers to, it’s the God of the entire universe, the God who made those starry nights when we go, “Wow, awesome!” the God who made the endlessly fascinating to-and-fro and sparkle and glimmer of the waves, the God who painted the flowers of summer and the leaves of autumn and who highlights His creation with winter’s hoarfrost–THAT is what King David may have had in mind as he did his own therapy, lifting up his eyes to the hills!
We live in a fallen, broken world, and that cry of “Unfair!” or “Why me?” or “How could God let that happen?” are all sighs of the soul that desperately longs for that perfection of the Garden of Eden; these sighs should lead our hearts, weeping and yearning, back into the arms of the loving Abba/Daddy, as Jesus called Him! (Oh, and let’s just forget about trying to understand–believing that our petty, finite minds should be able to grasp what the God of infinity has up His sleeve…talk about vanity!)
Your advice is very wise. Although some may say we’re just sharing our misery with others, it really helps to talk about things that bother us. Once we say them, they don’t seem to be as big anymore. Your comments gave me some peace and I thank you.
Kristin,
Thank you for your thoughts and sharing not just about national tragedy but also, and maybe most importantly, the everyday. You have touched so many people, so many you probably aren’t even aware of. I’m one of those.
Thank you, Todf
This time last year I stayed at Le Meridian, near where this unthinkable attack happened. Mentally I was there again yesterday and grieved as I could “see” the carnage behind my closed eyes. Is nowhere safe? What is the answer? We cancelled our Spring trip to Brussels just after the attack in March. Should we now cancel our September trip to Barcelona? NO! I refuse to allow those terrorists to win. We will go, with heightened awareness, and hope for the best. Bless you, Kristi, for always providing us with food for thought.
We visited our friends in Nice many times so are familiar with the scene of this latest tragedy. It’s so difficult to wrap our heads around these continuing horrible events. It’s like we third group members are, also, experiencing PTSD, of a sort. We feel fortunate to have internet connectivity so we can reach out to Nice, to Istanbul, to Paris, to California, and other places with “Are you alright? Sending love.” Trying to stay grounded, and be kind and compassionate to everyone.
Yes, thank you for sharing your thoughts Kristin. And I agree w/ Kate: we must believe good will triumph over evil. Sending prayers to Nice and all of France.
My husband and I always called Nice our home away from home. We love it, but most especially the people we came to know over our 11 trips there. My husband died May 27th, and he used to say to me during his illness, “lets go back there.” Thus the tragedy hit me doubly hard. The love of my life is gone, and the place that meant so much to us is suffering also. I have no answers for how to deal with this, but I do know that when I talk one-on-one with my good friends I feel better. It will never be the same, but one thing I can count on is your beautiful writing. I always feel I am right there with you enjoying the best France has to offer. Thank you.
Une immense tristesse. I woke up too early yesterday and today, feeling sad and disgusted with these horrors in the world. My heart goes out to the families and friends of the victims. Your words helped to ease the sadness and stress of it all.
As I was in Paris last November 13, I understand somewhat the insanity of the horrible tragedy in Nice. When the shock was somewhat worn off, the expressions of love and support from family and friends was vital. That is my wish for those who were touched personally by this tragedy. That love and support will enable them to go on in the face of this senseless brutality. My heart goes out to everyone in France, as that country that I love so much has seemingly been singled out for this madness… keeping in mind that no one is safe-certainly not those of us in the US. Many years ago on television there was an early morning tv show hosted by a man named Dave Garroway. He ended each show with one word-PEACE.
It is so true that to talk about the feelings which surge through us after such a tragedy is very necessary. Our rage , helplessness & sympathy & sorrow for those whose lives will never be the same again We have to continue though,because by so doing these people do not win.I watched the first night of the Proms on UK television last night . The Albert hall was lit in the colours of the French flag & the Marseillaise was played before anything else .The audience stood & applauded for several minutes after . Despite Brexit we still feel very close to our neighbours across the Channel
“My subject is War and the pity of War” – Wilfred Owen 1916
The world is at war, which is tragic. As I write this in South Africa, I want those who have lost loved ones to know that, like so many others, I share their grief, for in this age of instant communication, such tragedies are international. I hope that together we can find ways of stopping such atrocities happening anywhere in the world. We must insist that our leaders really lead.
Thank you Kristin, for what you have written encourages us to search our souls and in so doing to wish to comfort those facing loss
I just fell in love with Nice again last fall after not having been since 1982. I found a fascinating church with very modern-looking stained glass windows, a sweet pharmacy that carried the shampoo & sunscreen I like, a mythical, delicious little restaurant(La Merenda), the antiques market(where I bought torchons from the 30s). I had a swim at the eastern corner of la corniche, where a gaggle of pale, teenage boys suddenly jumped into the sea near me. I went to the Matisse museum up in the hills. This was all in one day. Everything unfolded in a relaxed way, as if by magic. I felt I was carried along by angels from one moment to the next.
Yesterday I found myself ferociously cleaning out a chicken coop. It helped my grief to put a small corner of the world in order. I can’t imagine the hatred in the truck driver’s heart. I too have felt road rage, though, and just cursed out some pedestrians blocking my bike path earlier in the day on Thursday. Yesterday I reflected on how that really does not help anything and resolved to de-escalate. This is not to compare my rage with his, but it is inevitable to try to think how we could do better in the world when it seems to be cracking wide open.
What would turn the world around?
I wish I could figure that out.
Thank you Kristin and so sad for your adopted country’s tragedy.
We do need to talk – but talk with – create those human bonds – the bonds to which to ‘hold on’. That is how we will get through – by holding on and talking with one another.
Dear Kristi:
Thank you for your simple message. I was born in France and am so saddened to see these acts of violence continue not only in France but throughout the world.
I am flying into Nice in September to visit France by boat. We must not let these
terrorists prevent us from living our lives and continuing to travel to France.
My heart goes out to France and its people. Stay safe.
Janine
I feel hurt to the core about these evil killings but in the midst of pain I do “hold on” knowing its God who holds me in His hands ❤️
Praying always🙏
and ……I have five words – Keep calm and carry on. Nevertheless, I feel so sad, not just for now, but for the future of our children and their children. Love conquers all, but how can we get that message through. ?
Yes, Kristi. Talk. Hold on. And I would add “act on what we can control — i.e., spread love.”
I am horrified at what happened — it has to stop! We are not living as God meant us to live, and we need to change that. My heart goes out to all good people and to those that are not living as God meant I feel sorry for you that you think you can do these things and in the name of God – oh that is surely never true. Stay Strong!
Kneeling in prayer with love, offering a little poem:
BLOOMING HEART (c) K. J. Laramie
Maneuvering through the veins of a leaf
growing toward the sun
My life is but a prayer for you
intricate lacework done
My heart blooms with the names of God
My mind listens with great intent
Speak through me
Do through me
Be through me
My waiting branches bent
My next door neighbor is a young policeman. He is also a loving husband to a kindergarden teacher father of an 18 month old and a 3 year old. We are used to hearing squeals of laughter and enjoying a house filled with light in the evenings.
Then the Black Lives Matter moved in with their hate because a policeman shot an armed black man after a call came into headquarters that an armed man had confronted someone in front of a convenience store. He was shot while reaching for the gun in his front pants pocket. Thee is a video of the gun being removed from the pocket after the man was shot. and, unfortunately, killed.
I do not believe the outcome would have been any different had the dead man been white, yellow or, for that matter, green. He refused to stop moving when told to by an officer of the law who was, admittedly, afraid for his own life. Statistics show that policemen are six and a half times more likely to be shot by a young black man than anyone else. That is not racial bias, just the truth.
Last week, following this shooting and subsequent events (“protests”) there was no laughter of children at play next door and their home was dark because my neighbors were forced to vacate their home when computer hackers got the names, addresses and phone numbers of the police in our hometown.
Our community has come together, offering the police food, drink and nap beds as they work 12 hour shifts in 100 degree heat. Obama invited leaders of BLM to the White House. Ca C’est coyon.
Fay Plauche’ Butler
Bien ecrit mom amie. 😢
Thank you, Kristi, for this timely reflection. Like you, I am an American married to a Frenchman. Your message- coupled with the thoughtful, illuminating comments from my fellow subscribers- offers peace and comfort. I consider myself so fortunate to be part of the FWAD Francophile community that you’ve created over the years.
On a happier note, I have just caught up on all of your posts. HUGE Congratulations to Max and Jackie, and to you and Jean-Marc, the parents who raised and educated such beautiful, talented, accomplished children!
Mon amie! Well written.
Dear Kristi,
You and I, and WE- are not alone. Your kindness and brave-sharing are acts of love!! It is a true honor to share this world with you, Jean-Marc, Max, Jackie, Smokey-Dokey, Braise, and your parents, siblings, and friends:) We all are, after all, passengers on the same bus – our universe:) God Bless you all, we send our prayers to you for peace and comfort.
Amicalement,
Shari – une amie que vous n’avez pas deja recontrer!
Poor France. I always appreciate the sincerity and authenticity of your blog and it is a good forum for us to process this atrocity. My husband and I walked along the Nice Promenade in May and in June so we go right back in our memories to the crowds of carefree vacationers. Every time something like this happens, we are reminded that life is precious and we are mourning this weekend, too.
Kristin:
More terrible violence in France and here in the US and now Turkey.
Makes it hard to listen to the news any more.
My son and his family are in France right now visiting her family in St Etienne.
We will Skype with them on Sunday and try to say something comforting in our
pauvre French.
The World seems very sad right now.
Edie from Savannah
I am so sad to see how much hate there is in the world. Then I remember there is so much love as well. We must continue to give that love and understanding out in the world. Smile at our neighbor, help someone in need and remember we are all one race, The Human Race.
I am sending big Hugs your way for comfort and thoughts and prayers for those families who lost loved ones.
Thank you for your comforting and wise words. A great sadness and anxiety settle upon all of us when something like this happens. When will it end? This we do not know, so to follow your advice is most helpful. My thanks, again
Endure, any way you can. Bless us all.
PREMIEREMENT, thank you for the Bikini/Psalm story! It was an affirmation for me to continue painting my usual themes of love, light, oneness, and peace. With a constant barrage of terrible news here (Florida, USA) and abroad, the challenge for an intuitive painter/poet to tune all that out is almost insurmountable. Meditation and prayer help, but your words of truth settled in my bones, echoing what has always been in my heart. I was about to destroy a canvas that I had worked on for months when I awoke and read about the lady under the shade tree sharing the Light! And then all the beauty and good coming from your readers? Extraordinaire! Ou sont mes pinceaux?
Deepest sympathy to the people of France and the whole world. Beaucoup de courage!
Love Love Love