I was listening to my car radio, as a French psychiatrist spoke about trauma. He mentioned three groups of victims.
The first are those directly affected (physically injured) by the event.
The second are those who witnessed the event.
The third are those who are aware of the event: you and I.
I don't know anyone personally who was in the attack in Nice. A friend of my daughter's lost her aunt. Typing those words brings a swift physical reaction, tears shooting to the surface of this vessel. It is a strange and mysterious vessel, sometimes out of my own control (tears, twitchings). We walk our vessels around, our souls nestled somewhere inside. Where? In our big toe? In the depths of a dilating pupil? Or somewhere in the brain where, like God beyond a cloud, I have always pictured this to be. (I don't mind if you think I'm naive.)
It is all un mystère. It is not vital to know our origin. We will go on breathing, hearts beating. Some of us search for meaning, knowing (or reminded by others) that we cannot know beyond what we see.
(Love being one exception.)
This brings us to another mystery: our emotions. How are we feeling right now? Numb, guilty, sad, angry, misunderstood, in love, in despair, confused? Do we want to eat? Shop? Sleep? Is it right, wrong on a day like today?
As France begins three days of national mourning, we are given a hint on how we should proceed over the next days: en deuil. Up to each one of us to decide what it means to mourn and how we will do it.
The radio psychiatrist I told you about went on to give advice about what to do after a traumatic event: Parler. Talk. This is what I am doing now. Thank you for listening. If you would like to talk, too, join us here in the comments box.
Amicalement,
Kristi
Picture of our dog and our precious daughter. I have learned over the past 6 months that words cannot always ease suffering. So I have narrowed down my words, to two in particular, and I believe these two words do help those experiencing despair: Hold on.
Thanks for sharing this post. This poem might be of help to you as well: Desiderata, in English and in French, click here.
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“What the world needs now is love, sweet love” I send my love to France today.
Beautiful picture of your daughter, and poignant because through her connection you knew someone who was taken from the world, so it makes it indeed more personal for you and your family. This is when your daughter can become a person her friend can come to and parler. You have awareness that you are sharing with all of us and obviously with your daughter. I feel a connection to your kids after reading your book year and years ago, when they would laugh at your pronunciations etc. Take care over there.
My condolences to you, the whole country of France, and every other country impacted by this human disaster. Hugs <3
Kristi, I am so sorry for the pain that you and the entire country of France has experienced. It’s so earth shattering to everyone’s soul, but something so dear like the picture of Smokey and Jackie helps us all find calm and peace. Thank you for that. And know that we have all of you in our thoughts and prayers. xoxo
Viva, Nice. Long live one of the most beautiful cities in France. Courage, Nice. Our dear friends who live 5 blocks from the Promenade decided to stay home on the 14th, having learned that the restaurant they were going to on the Promenade had upped the ante for Bastille Day. Thank heaven, thank heaven. They are both still reeling from what could have happened. Anger, hatred, we have to keep it at bay, and yes, parler, parler, parler with everyone, Muslim and hose of all religions, white, black, brown, everyone.
Jeanette, I am so sorry to learn of your dear husbands passing. Sending extra love your way. Thinking of you.
I liked your comments today especially. It’s common knowledge now that talking to a friend is as therapeutic as talking to a professional counselor, and that’s backed up by science. Here’s what helps for me – retell the story over and over, but in a conscious way – notice how you feel inside your body each time it’s retold, and breathe into the area where tension is being held, then release it. My prayers are with the mourning.
I immediately thought of you and your family, even though I knew you would probably not be anywhere near Nice on 14 Juillet. I think meeting the Gideon Bible lady was a gift from God and a reminder that what we can do mostly is Let go and let God.
Thank you for this thoughtful post, Kristi. We are in Antibes for the month of July. Our teenage granddaughters are visiting from Toronto and loving every minute. We considered spending the 14th in Nice but decided to go to the beach here and then go out on a boat in the Baie de Cannes to watch the fireworks there. Thankfully.
We are talking and hugging and attempting to help this younger generation work through such a senseless tragedy. Sadly, this is part of the reality of today’s world and each of us must continue to do our part to help make things better. On Tuesday we will go into Nice and pay our respects at the memorial growing on La Prom.
Taking your advice, we are holding on.
Quelquefois, il n’y a pas de mots…
mais la lumière brille dans les ténèbres.
My heart, many of my friends, colleagues, our hearts are with you. That someone is so wretched as to need to create such harm is the human tragedy. I like and practice the ‘parler’. Mille Merci.
Kristin thank you so much for your heartfelt searching. I happened to be in Cipieres, above, way above Nice the week before this and just flew out and back home. France has borne so much suffering. You reach and query with words,beautifully. I after the event this past November painted a picture to express my feelings. I don’t wish to advertise it. But if you would like to view it . You can see it at my website mentioned below. It also has a reference to “holding on”, coincidentally.
Mystics suggest your soul rests within your heart. My brain and heart concur with that sentiment.
Black Lives Matter is a movement among those who understand that they are not being treated fairly. As the mother, it pains me to see the sons of other parents having to fear this kind of uneven handling by police. 99.9% of police are giving, generous, brave and fair. In some cases, yes, force is necessary. But in many other cases it is not. The leaders of Black Lives Matter are not violent. They are good people that are asking for change. It’s important for us to have compassion for those less fortunate, and for those who so bravely protect us.
Absolutely beautiful Kristi….LOVE TO YOU! Eileen Burns
I cried instantly when I heard the news——Promenade des Anglais—–there were several summers that we were
hanging out there, when my girls were little; in the 70’s and 80’s. I am very worried for France, for my daughter who lives in
Barcelona, and for us here in the States.
Such a senseless tragedy! We never made it to Nice but promised ourselves next trip to France was going to include a lot of days along the coast. Unfortunately, together, we won’t be making any trips since Chris’ passing last October. I may have to make a single sojourn. I feel so sorry for the people of France, the Nicois, the family and friends of all the victims, and I am praying for those still in dire need of medical help. May we all still find our hearts open to one another! I’m trying to keep my aching heart open to the good in the world – and reading your writing helps me. Bless you and your family!
May I also offer my condolences. I lost my dear husband last October to a massive stroke. He had been very healthy. I’m still in shock and “in loss” but I’m mostly moving forward. Not always easy for sure. We, too, were planning another return to France, even talking about moving there for a year, just the day before his stoke. Nice was to be on our itinerary of travel first before settling down.. Not to be. Just wanted you to know you have some company. You wrote a lovely note here! I agree with you about Kristi’s writing! Bisous, Judi
Your words, as always, are wonderful. And it doesn’t diminish them to repeat the old saying “a picture is worth a thousand words”. There are times that are just so devastating there’s no way they can be expressed in mere words; your beautiful image expresses the sadness we all share in a way no words can capture. The sole person with her best friend reminds us that in the end we all face this tragedy alone.
Hi, Jeannette,
I have been a reader of French Word-A-Day for some years, and just saw your post. I wanted to convey my sympathy and support to you following the death of your husband. In spite of the tragedy in Nice, I think and hope that your memories of good times there with him will shine in your memory. I have an idea of how you may be feeling, because I lost my husband to cancer and three weeks later came September 11 – it felt as though I’d lost him thousands of times over. I wish you all the best, and will pray for you.
Sincerely,
Marianne Rankin
The barbarians that commit these atrocities have all too often targeted France because the French are the polar opposite of them. These sub-humans possess absolutely none of the traits that make France a great nation – culture, intelligence, class, humanity, generosity and dignity. Vive la France
Cher Kristin,
Yes, it is important to talk, to comfort one another, and to know we are not alone.
We are all French right now.
The world is saddened by the events in Nice, by the irrational hatred being expressed in horrific and tragic ways. May the world somehow find a way to end this nonsense so that we may all live in peace.
Sincerely,
Tom
Dear kristi, we,your readers, want so much to reurn the love you send to us; it falls like an unending ubiquitous gentle rain. We
will hold on! I think the photo is perfect for these times. Comme toujours!
Thank You for “Parler,” Kristi. I can only hope that our world leaders Parler too! Your post brings to mind the “Sermon On The Mount”:
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
……
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.”
Shalom!
I felt as if I’d been hit by a “stun gun” when I read about the events in Nice. Yes, we need to hold on and focus on the positives we have in life. Not be dragged down by the insane. Your words, Kristi, help us all. Thank you for this post.
Our hearts are saddened and disturbed by all the recent violence, each person’s reaction unique and personal. I do know that hatred and anger merely add to the level of negativity. I choose to fill my own heart with love and caring, and let it drive out the fear and sadness. I visualize healing for those left behind without loved ones. And while I hope for justice for the wrong doers, I also pray that they also be healed. It must be terrible to live with so much hate.
What terrible things happening to La Belle France and I grieve with you. Today in Baton Rouge, three police officers were killed. Where and when will it all stop. With prayer. Vivian
Hi Kristi,
I think we all feel the same way. Our world is in chaos and we feel helpless and sad about these types of attacks all over the world. People do rally together and try to help each other during these terrible tragedies. There was an American hit by the truck and someone took him to the hospital and he was trying to find out who it was so he could thank them. Like Fred Rogers said …. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
Kristi, your words brought me comfort. And I do not think you are naive! It is comforting to know that others are searching for God during these times. My heart is so heavy, yet I know that there is so much more goodness and love in the world than evil. Thank you for this posting, and for all who have left comments.
Kristin, thank you. I would like to add one more. Tell your loved ones that you love them. Love will always triumph over hate as light triumphs over darkness. xoxo Mary
“Talk” and “Hold on” are excellent pieces of advice. At this time, it’s important to remember to focus on messages of love. Too many people are discussing the ugly side of politics, and although it’s important to know the facts, it’s challenging to make sense of much of what has been happening in the world recently, to not get frustrated. So, I’m trying to make an effort to be more compassionate toward others and toward myself, reminding myself to be patient, to speak more slowly and mindfully, to turn the other cheek, to focus on the big picture, on LOVE.
So sad that there is so much hate in the world.
We cannot forget about all of the good people as we rarely hear about them.
People need to heal themselves and to stop the violence now.
Regards,
Christine
To cry is good. We feel pain, grief. We must not become immune to these atrocious acts. We try to not become numb to the weekly acts of terror that occur here in America, but it becomes harder with each event. Self preservation dictates that we compartmentalize these horrific crimes. My heart is with you, Kristi.
Add to everyone else’s my feelings of sadness, horror, grief, and a search for meaning out of the violence. Having brought students to France (including Nice) a dozen times, I feel especially sad that I may not be able to travel with students to France again. I will be back with my husband, but how can I assure parents that their precious children will be safe with me in France? Nice was always the best and most relaxing part our tour…. I am heartbroken…
I’m so glad that I chose to open this email for French-Word-A-Day today; I subscribe but seldom open it. What led me to open it today and to read Kristi’s sentiments? We share a collective unconscious as Jung described- it connects us all the world over and at the deepest level. I have been a Francophile since I was 14 – 43 years long – when I began studying French in high school and last week’s tragedy feels so ‘close to home.’ This year I have been imagining a trip to the south of France this summer, including Nice and Marseilles. Plans did not come together, so there but by the Grace of God I and someone I love could have been on the promenade on the 14th. However, the truth is, I love France, her people, her history, her bravery, courage and joie de vivre. I lost 80+ loved ones on Bastille Day and I am in mourning right alongside everyone in France for the next several days. Many thanks Kristi for providing a forum for us all to share, hurt, and heal together.
Bien dit.
Il est reconfortant de prler del la douleur en Francais……..
Hello Kristi,
I do so much appreciate your kindness in providing an open forum for us all to voice both our concerns, and emotions at a time such as this..There is comfort in sharing for us all. My heart goes out to all those who are affected by all of these recent tragedies. I don’t think that there is a single person in the US who cannot tell you both his/her location and the time when they learned of 9/11! We are a global family. When we weep, we weep together. We are all learning this, but at such a great cost!
Please let your dear husband know that ” holding on ” will bring benefits, and that the pain will lessen. And I sincerely hope that he understands that a loving, merciful God would have absolutely no part in such horrific acts ( James :13, James1:17)
My love to your whole family.
“Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called Children of God.” A commentary that I’ve just read said that the opposite holds true as well. The peace-breakers shall not be Children of God. May the Peace of the Lord be with all who mourn and are saddened by the events in France, America, Belgium, Turkey and all the places around the world where the inhumanity of man has inflicted so much horror and pain.
Thank you, Kristen. Of all of the expressions I have searched for to encourage personal strength in this extremely conflicted time, ‘Hold on,” is the first one that has brought a sense of calm to my nerves, grief and fear. And the other thing I’m going to do, just like your beautiful daughter, is hug my Golden Retriever, Beau. And whisper to us both, “Hold on.”
In processing the horrible event it gave me comfort to think of millions of people all over the world sending their love and thoughts to those involved personally. It is what finally helped me get to sleep.
It’s so horrible, what’s going on in the world. I have fear that it will be a very long time before this thing gets turned around, since a problem must be identified before it can be solved. It probably won’t be in my lifetime. I am 66.
Thank you. Your words always bring peace and comfort to me. I’ve been quiet lately, curious if my words are creating comfort or carrying on suffering. I have whittled it down to “thank you” “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. Now, I will add “hold on”. Hugs and love dear friend.