Smokey, illustrating today's story. Thanks for reading and sharing this post.
TODAY'S WORD: le singe
: monkey
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Les singes sont bien trop bons pour que l'homme puisse descendre d'eux.
Monkeys are much too good for men to have descended from them. -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
A DAY IN A FRENCH LIFE…
La Vie en Rose… rose as a monkey's nose!
I started my day with two swift emotional whacks. I tell you this not for sympathy, but because the alternative would be not to tell you, and then to write about something else (I'd planned to write a humorous essay about my fear of the telephone.)
Normally, I'd have gone ahead and written the light-hearted essay, just as so many of these feel-good posts have been composed: the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing the non-story, at those times, has helped me find my way back to emotional ground zero. More likely I have written because I have sponsors and the show must go on.
But I am still the ringmaster of my life. I choose which animals jump through which hoops. Or, as a popular saying goes:
This is my circus. These are my monkeys.
(Incidentally, it took me the longest time to figure out the meaning behind that one!) I think I get it now. Or at least as it relates to my current situation: helplessness. I am helpless in being able to help someone I love to wholly love herself.
(The tears just burst out. So the end of the previous paragraph seems to have hit the bull's eye!)
And I am helpless in getting others to understand me (same circus, different monkey). So without going into too much detail–and to sum things up: I woke up this morning in the same situation as most of the human race. And, seemingly, a little more helpless than the day before. But the question remains: how to pull ourselves together? How to show up for work (or school, or an appointment) in a million little tear-stained pieces?
I was about to give you the answer when I realized I have completely misquoted the popular "Circus – monkeys" idiom! — which should read the exact opposite of how I've quoted it! The original words are:
"Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
I guess I have remembered the quote in the way that it most speaks to me: All of life's problems ARE my problems. My family's problems… my friends' problems… the world's problems – these are my problems – these are my monkeys.
The answer, then, as to how to soldier forth, is this: Love thy monkeys! Listen to them, hold them, forgive them, assist and reassure them. And remember: you're a monkey too. So love you.
COMMENTS
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Great post. I am with you.
Hang in there dear Kristi, you are loved! We are in this together.
Warm hugs from Colorado, where it is cold and snowing like crazy right now.
Love you!
Marika
Le salon de leur appartement est grant comme un mouchoir de poche.
Que chacun dise sa pensee!
Everyone has monkeys and lives in a circus! Sometimes, it’s fun and amusing and then at this time of year, it is sad and lonely. My husband of almost 50 years passed away two years ago and the holidays beginning with Thanksgiving are unbearably painful. What to do? Push through the tears and heartache with faith that we are where we should be and we are not alone. Courage! And, most of all, blessings!
I think a lot of us are taking things one day at a time, one step at a time with all of the fear and insecurity present. There is another phrase that comes to mind in reading this…”out of my hoola hoop.” I struggle with that one!
Please know that I am sending you a warm hug from not so far away…and a kiss for the top of sweet Smokey’s head.
Hi Kristin,
Great post today! Hang in There!!! I think sometimes we are protecting ourselves and mainly our hearts when we think about something that is more light hearted or happier. It gives our minds a chance to process what we are going through. Don’t lose hope Kristin! I have never heard the saying “Not my circus. Not my monkeys” I love your last paragraph….so true!
I try not to worry too far out of my hoola hoop, but easier said then done cause I live in a big circus and care about all the monkeys there.
You seem to be in a pretty dark place, Kristi. In addition to all the (virtual) blessings and hugs sent your way, I hope you are getting the professional help you may need. Those monkeys won’t just start behaving on their own sometimes. Meanwhile, if you find writing these lovely little articles therapeutic, keep them coming!
Dear Kristi:
I am reminded of many idioms reading this missive. (I know, having been in a similar place as you are at the moment more times than is normal for one lifetime!) Three of them stand out the most, the last one is from my father, and I find it helped me immensely. Your situation and conclusions may be different, of course.
First, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”(Matt. 22:39) We can’t help or love others fully until we help and love ourselves fully, as you stated. Only then can we (I) give our (my) best to others.
Secondly, “We can’t help someone unless they want to be helped.” So we have to wait for them to ask. So, so difficult! Added to that, they have to do the work -sigh- we (I) can’t do it for them. And sometimes when I have tried to take their hand and lead them, I’ve stopped them in their own personal journey of growth, robbed them of their own ability to handle matters. Still, I do know how hard it is to stand by and watch a loved one go through that process and the feeling of helplessness that overwhelms.
Lastly, the one phrase my dad always used, and that has served me well as of late: “You’ll work it out.” That simple phrase shows confidence in our loved ones. It dignifies them. Usually that is the only thing that they need. (sidebar: if I asked my daddy for advice, then he would give it) But then being willing to accept that their course may be different from ours, just as every person is different, takes a great deal of self-control at times! As you expressed, the very best we can do for them is to be there for encouragement, support, and love.
So I agree with Marika, “Hang in there, dear Kristi,” … and as my daddy wisely would offer, “You’ll work it out.” 😉
Much love,
Alisa
p.s. And yes, I realize that whole big comment came across as “advice” that wasn’t asked for! lol It wasn’t intended as such… I was merely stating what has worked for me. There are many ways to handle things. 😉
Dear Kristi,
That whereof you speak is a really rough place to be. I have been there too…feeling helpless describes it perfectly. Being there can suck the life out of you and bring profound sadness. It tears the heart apart.
She will have to figure it out for herself. Someone else can offer love and encouragement but she will have to understand deep down inside who she is and why she is so important to others and how she brings value to this world. Pray that she has the strength to do so and have faith that she will get there. The joy in seeing that happen is overwhelming. It washes the sadness away and heals the heart.
If only life could be as simple as the love of a dog….sweet, unconditional and so very comforting.
As you taught us to say, tiens bon!
Dear Kristi,
Remember that you can’t help others unless THEY want the help.
What ever it is remember “You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.” No matter how hard you may want to. It’s really a Let Go and Let God situation. You can only do so much. Know that we are all here for you anytime you want to vent. Whatever you’ve been through we’ve probably been through it too! Your never alone.
Love,
Diane
Dear Kristi,
I enjoy the lighthearted posts but I really love the ones where you share your emotional journey. We have all been there and we all get through it one step at a time. Talking about it with friends always helps. What we can do when feeling helpless is just be there for each other (and give the monkeys a banana).
Thanks sweetie. It was eerily perfect. Im in.
I admire how you expose yourself emotionally. It’s a fearful thing to do. I wish you all the best in whatever your circus and your monkeys will bring.
I’m so sorry Chica! We’re going through the same thing here 1/2 way accross the World!
I’ll be thinking of you when my tears come, and know I’m not alone.
Thanks for writing from your heart. That pain of not being able to help another love themself is too familiar. It’s always supportive being reminded we are not alone in these struggles.
I am grateful for all the other readers who took the time to comment to let you know you’re not alone in this. Kristi, your story, as always, is brave and so very relatable! When I read the sentence about the person close to you whom you would like to teach to love herself, I felt a jolt. This is so close to my heart! How do we teach others to love themselves? That is one of the greatest challenges I can think of. Do we lead by example? Yes, we must, of course, but is that enough? All these questions lead into additional questions and we start to become tangled in the nuances. Your solution brings me comfort: Love Thy Monkeys. I am taking your advice to heart.
Have you ever read “A River Runs Through It,” by Norman MacLean?
i reread it when I was in a similar situation to yours, and at the point of despair. MacLeans’s words are beautiful and healing.
One of the many quotes I underlined through my tears:
“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them – we can love completely without complete understanding.”
― Norman Maclean, A River Runs Through It and Other Stories
Helpless is right. We are all helpless in many ways. But that is when the help comes.
Bon courage!
Kim
Love this post. Not sure which version of the quote to put on the door of my classroom…
When you have done all you can for someone, and have to wait in anxiety and pain for the outcome, music can help you escape (a little), and soothe your soul. Near Christmastime, I like Walking in the Air. Also Celtic inspired New Age music like Celtic Twilight. Be strong and keep loving.
Kristin, I love the way you write through your feelings. I think you are helping both yourself and others love all the monkeys, themselves included! Much love in this blessed Christmas season, when our Prince of Peace arrived to comfort and love us.
Tiens bons, Kristin. Tiens bons.
Kristin, you’re a lovely monkey xoxo
Chere Kristin, You are precious & priceless to your family & all your friends worldwide.You are strong, courageous, beautiful & talented. Everyone is drawn to you & the world where you are the center. I hope all that love & warmth gives you more courage, strength & creative energy, so you can radiate it back to us again. The Circus must go on for everyone’s sake. Judith in North Carolina.
Hi Kristi,
I was not familiar with either expression. But I think you have the sense the right( most helpful) way around. I am reading your post, awake in the middle of the night, anxious about a family member who lacks confidence in himself, feeling as if I have failed as a parent.
I will rise in the morning and face my monkeys with a little of your joyful attitude. Merci mille fois. Joyeux Noël.
We hear you, Kristi. We listen closely. We even try to read what’s between the lines (whether that’s a good idea or not). It is so universal to want to be loved and truly heard to the point of understanding.
A quote I found in my mail box this morning, seems apropos. “One must never be either content with, or impatient with, oneself.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Thank you also for your soothing photos. I hear you. Bon courage. Cyber hugs xoxo
Sending love and big hugs!
I’m a worrier and a expert problem-solver (because I give so much of my brain power to thinking about my loved-ones problems). The quotation from “A River Runs Through It” captures what I had intended to say. It has been only through much work on myself that I came to realize that I could not do the work that those I love were not willing or able to do themselves. I do NOT have to carry their load. What I can do is let them know as often as possible that I love them and am there — ready and willing — when they ask for my help. And for the times that they do ask, I have to remember that it is not my job to solve their problems but to be there to help them figure out what is best for themselves.
Bon courage, Kristin!
Hi again Kristi,
Have you seen the drawings and photos by Rafael Mantesso on Instagram of his dog, Jimmy Choo? We both know the healing power of dogs, yes?
Salut Kristin,
This time of the year many people experience what used to be called the “Christmas Blues”. “It’s all in your head . . . get over it” was the standard advice. NOT TRUE!
The medical community has determined the condition in many cases to be “Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) which is the result in physical changes in the body caused by the short days . . . . Google it.
I live in sunny Arizona and I have it this time of the year. Daily light therapy corrects my condition.
à bientôt
Dear Kristin,
My heart goes out to you as well as do the hearts of hundreds of your “lectures”. We each feel great fondness and love for you. My daughter-in-law was visiting over Thanksgiving and was trying to giving me instructions on how to use my new camera (one way to complicated for me) and her first words were:”We are just going to take baby steps at first”. When you think about it, this is good advice for so many situations.
Love and best wishes, Cynthia
You are a good monkey and so am I, je pense, donc, voila! Let it be!
Merci comme toujours!
My father used to say that the only good thing about banging your head against the wall is how good it feels when you stop. It all comes back to your serenity prayer. Bon courage! I love the comments today….
Someone once asked me if I could be with a particular problem for just an eyelash of time. That I could do. A day, or even a minute was beyond me at that point. Now it’s 24 years later, 24 years of transformation, problem-solving, and most of all (perhaps) learning to let go and let God.
“It all works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end,” is one of the phrases that helps me. Working the steps is also a powerful tool, b/c I’m truly powerless over people, places and things, but I can connect with a loving higher power and ask to be shown and guided. I often pray for that higher power to speak through me, and act through me.
It’s just too much on one’s own. Since I shattered my right leg, I’ve been on an unplanned journey. So many times when I’ve been out in my wheelchair alone and contemplated how I would get up a particular hill, someone simply emerges from the ethers and offers to help.
I hate asking for help. I have something in me that wants to do everything myself, not lose control (or the illusion of it). Just for today I can pray for the willingness to let all that go. Just that crack of willingness is often enough to let the light in so I can see again.
I went into huge overwhelm yesterday and just sharing these ideas with you today is somehow helping me to come back into this moment and reconnect with my deeper self, the one that can count on a relationship with a higher power to heal all wounds.
I love Joan L’s father’s statement about hitting your head against the wall. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I needed to hear it too. And thank you, Kristi, for your honesty and willingness to let so many of us be part of your life….Bon Courage! Lorrie
You are a beautiful person Kristi, inside and out.
Your articles are so thoughtful and so well written. Honestly it’s a pleasure to read them–I look forward to them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us along with a little kernel of ‘French word of the day”. I wish you and your family a warm and happy Christmas. XO
My husband passed away in September and I think I know how you feel. It’s very difficult at times, and holidays seem to bring out an extra amount of sadness, but there is also joy in the season. It’s all a jumble. I think the holidays stir up a lot for many people. I guess it’s life, and we just need to be a part of it, and do the best we can!(sometimes, easier said than done!) Bon courage, Maxine – and the same to Phyllis and Kristi, to everyone this holiday season – and heck, let’s go for some courage (and love) all year round!
Dear Kristi,
You are such a good friend. I know your loved one must feel the power of your love. They are blessed to know you are in their corner, even if they are not quite ready to receive your help. Knowing you are there, I’m sure is very comforting. I just wish I was there to comfort you! Take care and wrap your arms around yourself and know it’s a hug from me to you! Love, Judi
A friend once told me and I sometimes forget to do this, well often, but his words of wisdom were to love your “monkeys” with all the tenderness you would show for a newborn baby. Thanks for the reminder today. <3, Lisa
Kristi – Merci beaucoup for today’s post. You have the answer, the remedy, right before you: true love, here in the form of that beautiful, faithful dog. Keep him and the feeling he engenders in mind. All will be well.
Kristin:
When you look at the World around you it sometimes seems as though we haven’t progressed much since our ancestors were swinging from tree branches!
I think the Christmas season may ramp up those feelings of doubt about the human race. It’s a good time to try to meditate and find a quiet space amidst the confusion.
Edie from Savannah
You are strong and wise beyond your years. Your writing proves both of my assumptions. You have connected with so many of us readers with this post – we all have monkeys and live in our own circuses. Feel our hugs and good wishes as you power through what ever it is. Feel free to write more about “it” as that is often very helpful. Even if you do not publish it. Many hugs, Nancy
Our dear Kristi,
What a beautiful and extremely moving post.
All the comments are wonderful;Chris Allin’s words especially reached out to me.(thank you,Chris!)
My only other thought is that we each are responsible for ourselves–outside of God,we are the only ones capable of reigniting that golden spark within our being.
Friends and loved ones may reach out with their hearts and actions,but bottom line is simply that if we don’t have the will and wish,it isn’t going to happen.
Last week we lost our dear 40 year old niece.She went from a sweet child to a physically ill, troubled woman plagued by alcohol.
All our wishes and love were not enough.
Helpless is a perfect description.
Our solace now is that at last she is at peace.
Oh,yes.Tiens bon.
Our arms are around you.
You are in our prayers.
We walk by faith and not by sight.God’s mercy is infinite.
Love
Natalia. xo
Natalia, my heart goes out to you over the loss of your precious niece. Thank you, and to all who have written in, for these words that connect us all.
This is sort of Latin >>>
Illegitimi non carborundum.
Don’t let the bastards wear you down.
Just sending another little hug from afar. In the middle of a busy workday, your post tugged at my heart half a world away (see how powerful you are, even when you are feeling helpless and blue?). I always rolled my eyes when my mom said “this, too, shall pass” at tough times, but of course she was right. Until it does, hug a pup and take some comfort from your readers!
behenille, that is so funny! My vote is to use
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Natalia,
I so understand where you are. Three months ago the same happened to my nephew at age 36 and I was the one that found him. He had been in the best place in his life, so it was especially difficult. Our love was enough as was yours, until something took over that even they could not control. I send you hugs from deep in my heart. Joie
Hugs….