I'm having the time of my life with my wonderful mom! I love this innocent, serendipitous photo with Mom and her little fish purse. The sign says: "You are at the right place. Look no further." Vous êtes au bon endroit. Ne cherchez plus.
peuchère (peuh-sher)
: poor dear, poor thing
Peuchère is a Provençal expression of sympathy, used to indicate compassion for someone: Peuchère elle doit avoir mal au dos! Poor thing. Her back must ache!
Peuchère may also rank among the top Ten Things Not to Say to A Disabled Person. Can you list some others? Comment… or read on in the following story.
A Day in a French Life… by Kristin Espinasse
I was standing in the supermarket checkout line with my daughter when I saw a man approach in a motorized cart. A familiar dilemma returned: did I offer him my place in line–or risk making the man feel pitied?
Over the years I have struggled with the subject–ever since watching a man in a wheelchair open the door of his car (driver's side). A friend and I were across the street when we noticed the wheelchair-to-car transition–only each of us had a completely different reaction.
My instinct was to wait and see how the transition unfolded. If the man needed help, we could then offer it. But my friend fumed. "WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING HIM?" She shook her head angrily as she stood watching.
Her outrage made me feel ashamed. Had I not reacted fast enough? Would I have reacted in time? But I hadn't wanted the man to feel pitied. I hadn't been sure how to respond, I only knew I would be there if the man needed help. Meantime, the man managed to hike himself up into his car, taking with him the folded wheelchair. No assistance had been needed after all. But could the man's experience have been smoother had my friend and I intervened? Or might we have slowed or even put a snag in his familiar routine?
Fast forward ten years. Youtube. I happened upon a rant wherein a middle-aged man in a wheelchair complained about how people over-respond to his condition. "Can I get the door for you?" said the man (paralyzed from a bike accident), and the cynicism in his voice as he mimicked the modern-day good Samaritans made me even more uncertain of how to assist–or how NOT to assist–a disabled person. It seemed you were damned if you did, damned if you didn't. But how to get past the poor them/poor me (all I wanted to do was help) syndrome in time to help out when needed?
Standing there in the checkout line I tried to be discreet while figuring out whether the man-on-wheels needed help. The answer came swiftly and easily when I looked up and noticed the sign depicting a pregnant lady. Aha! This was the caisse prioritaire line. It would be perfectly normal for me to offer my place in line without making the man feel pitied. But the woman in front of me was about to fall into the same trap I had hoped to avoid.
"Peuchère!" she declared. "Il me fait de la peine!" she said, explaining why she had just given up her place in line, too. I wanted to shush her up so that the man wouldn't hear her "I feel so sorry for him!" remark… but who was I to shush another's expression of compassion? Her sympathy was sincere and mimicked my own sentiments as we watched the hard-of-hearing senior hand over his thread-bare change purse to the cashier so that the latter could fish out the somme due.
That's when we watched the cashier turn the purse upside down and shake it. Oh no! The man was 4 euros 36 cents short! Suddenly the "peuchère" woman went silent, opting to arrange and rearrange her pile of groceries along the tapis roulant. It didn't mean she was indifferent to the man's dilemma; she was probably doing what many do, French or otherwise: allowing the man privacy as he settled his finances.
But, given the purse's upturned state, it didn't seem likely that finances would settle on their own accord! I looked around nervously, and finally whispered to the woman ahead of me. "We ought to be able to rustle up the rest?"
The French weren't stingy, they just didn't seem to have the "pay it forward" reflex. "On doit pouvoir trouver ça," We've got to be able to come up with that," I hinted to the other customers in line. Next, I watched as wallets flew open and French fingers went to work rifling through the contents of their money purses. The collective reaction was so touching that I didn't notice, right off, how the contents of my own purse were as spare as those of the man we were trying to assist….
"Jackie!" I whispered, "do you have any change? I can't believe it," I said, searching through my wallet, "I don't have enough!" And there I'd gone suggesting that "we" pay the difference! Only, as things were, I'd given the job of debt-paying to the others in line! No matter how many times I rooted through the change purse, all I could come up with were pennies. The ten euros I'd been searching for was in my jeans pocket… back at home!
"No worries," the woman in front of me said. "I think I've got it!" I watched as she handed over enough coins to pay off the man's modest debt. I noticed the relief and happiness on her face. Whereas she had initially frozen up allowing the man to deal with his dilemma in privacy, she now had unwittingly experienced the "Pay it Forward" principle–and the good feelings it brings to all involved! The movement was gaining ground in other countries, but I'd yet to see strangers paying for strangers in France.
I watched as the senior-on-wheels gazed up at his lovely benefactor. "You are an angel," he said to the woman. And by the way his face beamed with light you'd think he was the very same.
FRENCH VOCABULARY
peuchère = poor thing
il me fait de la peine = I feel sorry for him
la somme due = amount owed
le tapis roulant = conveyor belt, carousel
on doit pouvoir trouver ça = we should be able to come up with that
Discover more from French Word-A-Day
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It is interesting how different cultures react to the same situation. One area I’m uncertain of when in France is street beggars. In the States we frequently see signs not to give to people soliciting on the street but direct them to the facilities that can give them services. When I’m in France in the city where we have our apartment I see the same beggars in the same spots visit after visit, and see the French drop a couple of coins in their cup. It surprises me because I thought that France had a better support system than the U.S. So for me the question is “to give or not to give” on the streets of France. In the grocery store, however, I would have done what you did (but check my coin purse first!).
It is interesting how different cultures react to the same situation. One area I’m uncertain of when in France is street beggars. In the States we frequently see signs not to give to people soliciting on the street but direct them to the facilities that can give them services. When I’m in France in the city where we have our apartment I see the same beggars in the same spots visit after visit, and see the French drop a couple of coins in their cup. It surprises me because I thought that France had a better support system than the U.S. So for me the question is “to give or not to give” on the streets of France. In the grocery store, however, I would have done what you did (but check my coin purse first!).
Well Kristin .. you once again managed to make me cry AND laugh at the same time with THIS story. They say we entertain angels unawares from time to time .. I think you just proved it.
Well Kristin .. you once again managed to make me cry AND laugh at the same time with THIS story. They say we entertain angels unawares from time to time .. I think you just proved it.
Hi Kristin, I think that you were also an angel in this situation–the motivator and the one with the message. Thank you for the inspiration to be courageous in the face of the unknown or uncertain. Say “hi” to Jules.
Mary
Hi Kristin, I think that you were also an angel in this situation–the motivator and the one with the message. Thank you for the inspiration to be courageous in the face of the unknown or uncertain. Say “hi” to Jules.
Mary
You remind me of an incident I’ve never forgotten. I had a stopover in Germany and had to make a long distance phone call. Of course I had no German coins, and the operator wouldn’t take American money. A German woman I had never seen before reached in and handed me a handful of German coins to make my call, and left. I hope she reads this to accept my thanks.
You remind me of an incident I’ve never forgotten. I had a stopover in Germany and had to make a long distance phone call. Of course I had no German coins, and the operator wouldn’t take American money. A German woman I had never seen before reached in and handed me a handful of German coins to make my call, and left. I hope she reads this to accept my thanks.
The Bible indicates that angels sometimes appear amongst us unbeknownst. I am a firm believer that they do so in order to offer us the opportunity to be compassionate of strangers! You passed the test, if such it was, with flying colors!
The Bible indicates that angels sometimes appear amongst us unbeknownst. I am a firm believer that they do so in order to offer us the opportunity to be compassionate of strangers! You passed the test, if such it was, with flying colors!
Nice story!
“paralyzed” or “paralysed (Brit.), not “paralized”.
…”initially frozen up…”, not “froze up”
Nice story!
“paralyzed” or “paralysed (Brit.), not “paralized”.
…”initially frozen up…”, not “froze up”
My brother has been blind since birth. A few years ago I asked him my question about whether or not to offer assistance to a disabled person. His response was “Just ask them. If they do want your help they will say so and if they do not want it they will tell you. Simple!” I have followed his advice ever since. And it is interesting because I can never guess in advance who will be the person to accept my offer and who will not.
My brother has been blind since birth. A few years ago I asked him my question about whether or not to offer assistance to a disabled person. His response was “Just ask them. If they do want your help they will say so and if they do not want it they will tell you. Simple!” I have followed his advice ever since. And it is interesting because I can never guess in advance who will be the person to accept my offer and who will not.
I’m not sure of an answer to your question, but I want to tell you about my friend Lianda. Eighteen years ago, when in her 40’s, she suffered a stroke that left her entire left side paralyzed and blind in her left eye. After a month in the hospital, her friend Heidi showed up one day for a visit carrying a small bag. Lianda asked if she’d brought a gift and Heidi explained that she came prepared to shave her friend’s underarms … a task she could no longer accomplish on her own. Such love and tenderness chokes me up every time I think of it.
As for the man who was angry about people trying to help him, I think he was reacting to his own lack of acceptance of his situation. My friend made peace with her lot within a few weeks of the stroke; she never was angry at God or indulging in self-pity. When offered help she gladly accepts what she can use and politely and gratefully declines why she doesn’t need.
I try to treat all people, disabled or able bodied, the same. If they look as though they require assistance, I offer it. They can accept or decline. It’s all good.
Love you,
Jeanne
I’m not sure of an answer to your question, but I want to tell you about my friend Lianda. Eighteen years ago, when in her 40’s, she suffered a stroke that left her entire left side paralyzed and blind in her left eye. After a month in the hospital, her friend Heidi showed up one day for a visit carrying a small bag. Lianda asked if she’d brought a gift and Heidi explained that she came prepared to shave her friend’s underarms … a task she could no longer accomplish on her own. Such love and tenderness chokes me up every time I think of it.
As for the man who was angry about people trying to help him, I think he was reacting to his own lack of acceptance of his situation. My friend made peace with her lot within a few weeks of the stroke; she never was angry at God or indulging in self-pity. When offered help she gladly accepts what she can use and politely and gratefully declines why she doesn’t need.
I try to treat all people, disabled or able bodied, the same. If they look as though they require assistance, I offer it. They can accept or decline. It’s all good.
Love you,
Jeanne
I just arrived at my 89 year old Fathers home in Colorado for another all too short visit. Dad lost his eyesight to macular degeneration. He is so independent and possesses such an incredible spirit that I find myself being cautious to not over do the “helping” lest I overstep the bounds of helpfulness and enter the realm of perceived pity. Interestingly, I sometimes think I am the more handicapped as I cry inside for a condition my Fantastic Father seems to conquer with his “can do” attitude on a minute to minute basis. Merci, Kristin, for writing about this subject. Aloha, Bill
I just arrived at my 89 year old Fathers home in Colorado for another all too short visit. Dad lost his eyesight to macular degeneration. He is so independent and possesses such an incredible spirit that I find myself being cautious to not over do the “helping” lest I overstep the bounds of helpfulness and enter the realm of perceived pity. Interestingly, I sometimes think I am the more handicapped as I cry inside for a condition my Fantastic Father seems to conquer with his “can do” attitude on a minute to minute basis. Merci, Kristin, for writing about this subject. Aloha, Bill
My son (who turns 18 in August) was born without his lower right leg and he wears a prosthesis. Unless he has shorts on, you would never know it. He is not shy about his leg and is not offended by any questions or comments. It is interesting the reactions I see when people notice his leg. Some will look away, some will give a look of compassion, some (mostly boys) will say his metal leg looks really cool. I think the questions of the little ones are the most innocent and sincere, and when I tell them it doesn’t hurt at all, that’s really what they wanted to hear. I think the bottom line is we are ALL challenged in one way or another and we all appreciate a kind word or offer of help, but not pity. Whether we might accept that help is up to each to decide.
My son (who turns 18 in August) was born without his lower right leg and he wears a prosthesis. Unless he has shorts on, you would never know it. He is not shy about his leg and is not offended by any questions or comments. It is interesting the reactions I see when people notice his leg. Some will look away, some will give a look of compassion, some (mostly boys) will say his metal leg looks really cool. I think the questions of the little ones are the most innocent and sincere, and when I tell them it doesn’t hurt at all, that’s really what they wanted to hear. I think the bottom line is we are ALL challenged in one way or another and we all appreciate a kind word or offer of help, but not pity. Whether we might accept that help is up to each to decide.
My husband has been paraplegic for 12 years due to a spinal tumor and it was certainly an eye-opening event for both of us, to say the least. (We have been married almost 40 years). What we both have noticed is that pity is not part of the program. My husband drives, goes to work, is able to handle everything by himself while I take trips (to France!). He will definitely ask if he needs help, so no worries there. What is annoying is when people assume he’s housebound and should be pitied. He was at the grocery store one day when a total stranger leaned down to him, patted his arm, and said, “It’s good to see you out.” Ooof!
My husband has been paraplegic for 12 years due to a spinal tumor and it was certainly an eye-opening event for both of us, to say the least. (We have been married almost 40 years). What we both have noticed is that pity is not part of the program. My husband drives, goes to work, is able to handle everything by himself while I take trips (to France!). He will definitely ask if he needs help, so no worries there. What is annoying is when people assume he’s housebound and should be pitied. He was at the grocery store one day when a total stranger leaned down to him, patted his arm, and said, “It’s good to see you out.” Ooof!
What ARE the Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Disabled Person?
What ARE the Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Disabled Person?
ditto comment #2…laskin comment haha./ as to Kristin you are uhhh Vous etes formidable. You just top yourself writing over and over. Smiles and tears and reflection on your lovingkindness. We are all blessed by reading the French Word-A-Day angel. Look forward to your writing like my daily cup of coffee or 12 and anxious to get your next book. Your ‘critic’ Winn
ditto comment #2…laskin comment haha./ as to Kristin you are uhhh Vous etes formidable. You just top yourself writing over and over. Smiles and tears and reflection on your lovingkindness. We are all blessed by reading the French Word-A-Day angel. Look forward to your writing like my daily cup of coffee or 12 and anxious to get your next book. Your ‘critic’ Winn
Salut Kristin….. Salut Jules,
Looks like Jules is still checking her purse to find some coins in the last photo. Ha!
A little “only in America” trivia……Maybe it’s an Arizona law. The trail head near me for the Shaw Buttes Mountain trails has about 20 parking spaces . . . 2 of them are for handicap parking. It’s the law!
Many times there is a line waiting to park and the two spaces are open. I have a permit from when I had my knee replaced and I use those spots since it frees up the other spaces. Then I go do my 2-3 mile hike.
À bientôt
Salut Kristin….. Salut Jules,
Looks like Jules is still checking her purse to find some coins in the last photo. Ha!
A little “only in America” trivia……Maybe it’s an Arizona law. The trail head near me for the Shaw Buttes Mountain trails has about 20 parking spaces . . . 2 of them are for handicap parking. It’s the law!
Many times there is a line waiting to park and the two spaces are open. I have a permit from when I had my knee replaced and I use those spots since it frees up the other spaces. Then I go do my 2-3 mile hike.
À bientôt
This is certainly at the top of your huge mountain of great posts. The precision and variety of all the feelings and thoughts you express is so great, and what happened to you, being forced to accept that you were generous even without money, is some kind of philosophical justice! I really liked Cathy’s advice, too. ‘Oh! Treat them as if they were human beings?’ That’s what a lot of us forget most.I think most people freeze like a deer in the headlights. Merci, Kristin.
This is certainly at the top of your huge mountain of great posts. The precision and variety of all the feelings and thoughts you express is so great, and what happened to you, being forced to accept that you were generous even without money, is some kind of philosophical justice! I really liked Cathy’s advice, too. ‘Oh! Treat them as if they were human beings?’ That’s what a lot of us forget most.I think most people freeze like a deer in the headlights. Merci, Kristin.
Kristin, this has nothing to do with today’s post, but I just wanted to tell you that I receive “FRANCE TODAY” ~ have for years ~ and the new one which arrived a few days ago has Le Dernier Mot by YOU! How wonderful!! Congratulations for another lovely feather in your chapeau!
Enjoy your new neighborhood with your mom!
Kristin, this has nothing to do with today’s post, but I just wanted to tell you that I receive “FRANCE TODAY” ~ have for years ~ and the new one which arrived a few days ago has Le Dernier Mot by YOU! How wonderful!! Congratulations for another lovely feather in your chapeau!
Enjoy your new neighborhood with your mom!
My husband, who had polio at age nine, and used a crutch and cane or a wheelchair, often had to come up with an answer to “What happened to you?” that could allow the asker to save face and keep the interchange brief. The best thing to say to a disabled person is hello. What NOT to say is anything referring to the disability. And as your mother taught you, don’t stare.
My husband, who had polio at age nine, and used a crutch and cane or a wheelchair, often had to come up with an answer to “What happened to you?” that could allow the asker to save face and keep the interchange brief. The best thing to say to a disabled person is hello. What NOT to say is anything referring to the disability. And as your mother taught you, don’t stare.
Allen, thanks for the helpful edits. I will fix things at the next chance. 🙂
Diane, I need help with this list; already some excellent tips are coming in. I liked Merediths story about avoiding assumptions such as : It is good to see you out! So this will be no. 2 on the list.
Her words remind me of a documentary I watched about a woman with no legs. While out shopping with her husband one day another shopper looked down at her and said (of her husband): You are so lucky to have him! (Make this the no. 3 thing not to say to a disabled person). Thanks for offering more ideas for this list.
Susie, thank you for mentioning the column in Fance Today! And ,Jeff, if you are reading, I saw your note, too! thanks for the cheers. I am very excited to be writing the last page column titled La Dernier Mot.
Allen, thanks for the helpful edits. I will fix things at the next chance. 🙂
Diane, I need help with this list; already some excellent tips are coming in. I liked Merediths story about avoiding assumptions such as : It is good to see you out! So this will be no. 2 on the list.
Her words remind me of a documentary I watched about a woman with no legs. While out shopping with her husband one day another shopper looked down at her and said (of her husband): You are so lucky to have him! (Make this the no. 3 thing not to say to a disabled person). Thanks for offering more ideas for this list.
Susie, thank you for mentioning the column in Fance Today! And ,Jeff, if you are reading, I saw your note, too! thanks for the cheers. I am very excited to be writing the last page column titled La Dernier Mot.
Good lessons and “paying it forward” always feels good! Enjoy your Mom. I’m visiting my daughter for a few weeks and it is always just the best. (She lives on East Coast and I on the West Coast). Happy. Birthday to Max and send Jules
to CA to visit me next- we ALL need a Jules in our lives!!
Good lessons and “paying it forward” always feels good! Enjoy your Mom. I’m visiting my daughter for a few weeks and it is always just the best. (She lives on East Coast and I on the West Coast). Happy. Birthday to Max and send Jules
to CA to visit me next- we ALL need a Jules in our lives!!
Can France Today be bought at news stands or subscriptio only?
Can France Today be bought at news stands or subscriptio only?
Kristin — do you remember the title of the documentary you watched?
Thank you for another thoughtful post.
Meredith
Kristin — do you remember the title of the documentary you watched?
Thank you for another thoughtful post.
Meredith
Sorry, Herm, I’m sure you don’t mean to be selfish, and you really believe that you are not depriving anyone who is disabled of a chance to enjoy this recreational spot and, okay, it’s parking for a trailhead, so why would anyone go there if they were not physically able to hike a trail? I don’t know the answer to that, but neither do you. I see your logic, but handicap spots are for disabled people, so there will always be one when needed by a disabled person. It’s a good law, even if it seems excessive to some people. And I wonder, is it true that “only in America” is there such excessive accommodation for the disabled?
Sorry, Herm, I’m sure you don’t mean to be selfish, and you really believe that you are not depriving anyone who is disabled of a chance to enjoy this recreational spot and, okay, it’s parking for a trailhead, so why would anyone go there if they were not physically able to hike a trail? I don’t know the answer to that, but neither do you. I see your logic, but handicap spots are for disabled people, so there will always be one when needed by a disabled person. It’s a good law, even if it seems excessive to some people. And I wonder, is it true that “only in America” is there such excessive accommodation for the disabled?
My husband has a prosthetic leg (above the knee). After his accident, he was in a wheelchair for a few months while he was waiting for his new leg. It was eye opening to watch how people reacted to him. Sometimes I did need help with the wheel chair and I didn’t hesitate to ask. Most people really do want to help, but don’t quite know what to say or do. I usually ask if I can help.
And joyeux anniversaire to Max!
My husband has a prosthetic leg (above the knee). After his accident, he was in a wheelchair for a few months while he was waiting for his new leg. It was eye opening to watch how people reacted to him. Sometimes I did need help with the wheel chair and I didn’t hesitate to ask. Most people really do want to help, but don’t quite know what to say or do. I usually ask if I can help.
And joyeux anniversaire to Max!
Hi Krisin,
Glad you are having fun with Jules! I think just ask the person if they need/want help. Sometimes it is just obvious when people are struggling that they would love help! Tara said that the French people in Antibes where she was studying would look shocked when she would allow older folks, disabled or someone with just a few items go ahead of her in line at the grocery store. She said they would thank her and thank her.
Hi Krisin,
Glad you are having fun with Jules! I think just ask the person if they need/want help. Sometimes it is just obvious when people are struggling that they would love help! Tara said that the French people in Antibes where she was studying would look shocked when she would allow older folks, disabled or someone with just a few items go ahead of her in line at the grocery store. She said they would thank her and thank her.
Maybe that person with the disabled placard can walk a bit down the trail if she arrives by car. Not all disabilites put a person in a wheel chair. I guess I wonder why so many healthy hikers are driving to a trail head.
I would put in that list, oh I get tired too, for the many disabling conditions that limit daily function. A very dismissive remark, that one.
Another spelling comment — so that the latter (not later) could fish out the somme due.
A good story about paying it forward. Glad you are enjoying your mother’s visit so much.
Maybe that person with the disabled placard can walk a bit down the trail if she arrives by car. Not all disabilites put a person in a wheel chair. I guess I wonder why so many healthy hikers are driving to a trail head.
I would put in that list, oh I get tired too, for the many disabling conditions that limit daily function. A very dismissive remark, that one.
Another spelling comment — so that the latter (not later) could fish out the somme due.
A good story about paying it forward. Glad you are enjoying your mother’s visit so much.