Postitano, Italy. Photo by Annwvyn.
Chapter 1: Positano, Italy – Summer 2002
We must bear with ourselves with patience and without flattery. — Fenelon
I am sitting on the floor of a luxury hotel room, tossing potato chips across the parquet tiles to my 9-month-old nephew, Payne. My sister and her husband are out for an early dinner, and I have offered to babysit.
With a squeal of laughter, Payne scampers across the floor to fetch another chip, pausing as he passes by a tiny glass flask. I casually reach for it, tucking the airline sampler bottle behind me and throwing out another chip to redirect the toddler's attention back to the game. I can think of no better way to pass the time; besides, this activity seems to be a hit!
I take a hit from the little glass flask, having twisted off the aluminum top. C'est l'heure de l'apéro, I reason, calling to mind my husband, who is surely having a glass of wine at this hour. And my sister and her husband would have sat down by now at the dinner table, with glasses of champagne. Yes, it was cocktail hour for everyone including me. So no worries!
Looking out to the balcony, I watch the sun begin to set along the Amalfi Coast. To the right, the hillside is peppered with spicy-colored villas ranging from pepper red to saffron yellow. A true artist would call it a "pastiche", but what did I know? Inside of me the poet's flame had gone out long ago.
Out in the harbor, yachts are swaying, very much like my steps as I stand up and walk over toward my bed. The sea breeze filters in from the open French windows, and I reach out to shut them securely before returning to my cot. I'll just have a little rest. Pitching the last potato chip far over to the curtains, I buy another moment of shut-eye as Payne sets out to retrieve the salty prize.
* * *
Waking to the sound of laughter I see my brother-in-law, Doug, through the slits of my eyes. He is shaking his head.
"She's smashed!"
"Doug!" my sister objects, silencing her husband. I watch as Heidi makes a beeline over to my bed.
"Well she is. She's smashed!" my brother-in-law points out. He's had a few drinks himself, and is ripe for an argument.
Heidi ignores him, kneeling down to have a closer look at me. Strings of pearls glimmer as the moon shines into the room reflecting off my sister. She looks so beautiful in a colorful silk dress. Her bright red lips are quizzing me.
Instead of answering, I'm shoulding: I should wear color, instead of black. I should buy some red lipstick! I should not have drunk those airline samplers!
The scent of Shalimar, our mother's favorite perfume, tickles the inside of my nose. I should buy a bottle of Mom's perfume, too! I think of our mother, who lives an ocean away, in Yelapa, Mexico. We haven't spoken for ages. There are no telephones in the jungle.
"Why are there potato chips on the floor?" Heidi's tone is part curiosity, part impatience. Her wheat-colored hair falls down her back, in waves. Doug tugs on a lock of it as he walks past to open the window.
"Smashed!" he declares.
A brisk stream of air rushes in to the hotel suite. A storm is brewing on the horizon and giant waves coming in from the sea are capped in white.
Suddenly the scent of my sister's perfume and the salty breeze sobers me. I sit up in bed as my eyes dart around the room searching for my 9-month-old nephew!
Payne's diaper is peeking out from the curtains, where he has finally managed to reach the last potato chip. My brother-in-law bends down, sweeping up the giggly baby. Plucking a few soggy morsels from Payne's lips, he offers his son a tender kiss followed by a mock scolding, "No more beer chips for you, Little Guy!"
"Not beer, it's vodka!" Heidi says, picking up an upended flask.
"Ah… Mother's Little Helper!" Doug chirps.
My brother-in-law's "drink teasing" always makes me wince. But it was true, after chasing children all day, I found it extremely relaxing at night to have a glass or two of wine–until I discovered vodka.
My stomach began to knot as I looked over at my sister. I hated to disappoint her and her husband, after they had generously offered me this retreat. And here I was tossing chips to an infant! It was so ironic, so out of character for me, the mother who insisted on nursing her own son for over a year. And to think, when friends so much as offered a fingerful of whipped cream to my own son, I freaked out. Only mother's milk would do for 12 month old child! But potato chips for my sweet nephew?
I heard my brother-in-law in the bathroom, changing Payne's diapers. His words echoed my thoughts:
"Mother's Helper! Your aunt had a little bit of Mother's helper tonight," he sang, tossing the diaper in the trash. Next he reached for a towel to begin cleaning the potato chips off the floor. He was more amused than angry. Payne was okay, he assured me. No harm done.
But what about my sister? What must she be thinking!
Looking me in the eyes Heidi shook her head and I felt my heart sink. That was it. I'd done it this time! I should have stayed home.
Heidi plucked up the bag of chips, reaching in, ever so gracefully, for the last one. Tasting it, she shook her head once again.
"Italian chips suck," she said, reaching over to ruffle my hair. "Couldn't you have at least bought American?"
* * *
Postnote: Ultimately, I decided not to go forward with the memoir. Here are two posts that hint at why:
1. L'Enjeu est Grand (The Stakes are High)
2. Le Piege (The Trap)
Chapters: click on the following links to read the other episodes
The opening quote, from the French 17th century thinker Fenelon, is from this book that gives me so much comfort and direction.
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Keep going. I look forward to reading your finished book. Keep us in suspense.
Keep going. I look forward to reading your finished book. Keep us in suspense.
Kristi – is that ‘THE MARK FORSTER’ in the comment above?
XOXO
MOM
Kristi – is that ‘THE MARK FORSTER’ in the comment above?
XOXO
MOM
What a great opening to chapter 1! I want to read more! If this book was finished and I found it at a book store, this first entry would make me buy the book.
I had no idea about your problem. My sister has struggled with the same thing. She hit rock bottom and lost custody of her kids. But after that she turned her life around. She has been sober for over 10 years and I am so proud of her. I think your book will give others the courage they need.
What a great opening to chapter 1! I want to read more! If this book was finished and I found it at a book store, this first entry would make me buy the book.
I had no idea about your problem. My sister has struggled with the same thing. She hit rock bottom and lost custody of her kids. But after that she turned her life around. She has been sober for over 10 years and I am so proud of her. I think your book will give others the courage they need.
Kristin, your honesty and candor really impress me!
It must have been so difficult to post this story to the world without knowing how people might react.
You seem to be surrounded by love and care, both in your family and in your large circle of friends. We rejoice with you in this story of healing and revelation!
Kristin, your honesty and candor really impress me!
It must have been so difficult to post this story to the world without knowing how people might react.
You seem to be surrounded by love and care, both in your family and in your large circle of friends. We rejoice with you in this story of healing and revelation!
Improve yourself.. improve the world.
If each of us would have dealt with our inner demons, enabling yourself (first of all) to return to a naturally healthy, radiant Yourself, and enjoy the purity of mind and body such purification entails — the world would be changed.
Love you, Kristi.
Improve yourself.. improve the world.
If each of us would have dealt with our inner demons, enabling yourself (first of all) to return to a naturally healthy, radiant Yourself, and enjoy the purity of mind and body such purification entails — the world would be changed.
Love you, Kristi.
Kristin, Re: self-editing of memoir writing – a little book The Memoir Project by Marion Roach Smith. BTW, read your Words In A French Life when first released (loved it!) and later forgot about the blog. So glad I discovered it again. You write beautifully. I currently travel vicariously through others. And, even though I have taken 3 years of French (1 year, 3 times 🙂 pourtant, je ne parle pas toujours du français. Thanks for sharing!
Kristin, Re: self-editing of memoir writing – a little book The Memoir Project by Marion Roach Smith. BTW, read your Words In A French Life when first released (loved it!) and later forgot about the blog. So glad I discovered it again. You write beautifully. I currently travel vicariously through others. And, even though I have taken 3 years of French (1 year, 3 times 🙂 pourtant, je ne parle pas toujours du français. Thanks for sharing!
I have been a reader for several years , Kristin. I enjoy your vignettes about your French life very much. This through me for a loop. I am floored by your raw honesty. I am dealing with an adult niece who is an alcoholic …in the last year we have encountered so many moving & sad stories relating to this…Congratulations and thank you for sharing. It is wonderful to hear that it can work…I know how difficult it is to guard your sobriety in France…having lived there for 3 years I know how strong alcohol is a part of the culture…
Bravo! Bien Fait!
I have been a reader for several years , Kristin. I enjoy your vignettes about your French life very much. This through me for a loop. I am floored by your raw honesty. I am dealing with an adult niece who is an alcoholic …in the last year we have encountered so many moving & sad stories relating to this…Congratulations and thank you for sharing. It is wonderful to hear that it can work…I know how difficult it is to guard your sobriety in France…having lived there for 3 years I know how strong alcohol is a part of the culture…
Bravo! Bien Fait!
Thanks for sharing, Krisin. This adds a whole new dimension to your writing talent. Looking forward to each episode.
Thanks for sharing, Krisin. This adds a whole new dimension to your writing talent. Looking forward to each episode.
Kristin-
You may never see my comment– there are so many. And it doesn’t really matter. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and focus on you. You are a brave, strong woman. It takes guts to admit that you aren’t perfect, but none of us are. This “confession” only makes me admire you more. We all have weaknesses, skeletons, “fallings down” or however you want to put it. We are human. Be true to yourself. I wish you the very best. Write this book for you. I will read it and so will many others.
Much love sent your way-
Kristin-
You may never see my comment– there are so many. And it doesn’t really matter. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and focus on you. You are a brave, strong woman. It takes guts to admit that you aren’t perfect, but none of us are. This “confession” only makes me admire you more. We all have weaknesses, skeletons, “fallings down” or however you want to put it. We are human. Be true to yourself. I wish you the very best. Write this book for you. I will read it and so will many others.
Much love sent your way-
Kristin
I’m glad you’re writing this part of your life. I’ve been there. I know those feelings of shame and despair. I was trying to figure out how old you were when you quit. I went to my first meeting on my 27th birthday and haven’t had to drink since. Thank God! keep writing. It’s powerful.
Kristin
I’m glad you’re writing this part of your life. I’ve been there. I know those feelings of shame and despair. I was trying to figure out how old you were when you quit. I went to my first meeting on my 27th birthday and haven’t had to drink since. Thank God! keep writing. It’s powerful.
Dear Kristin, can it be the raw nerve you touch is a common one we all share? Reading all the comments, I find myself in tears. Who of us could write our story, pick up that gauntlet with such courage? Isn’t it easier for one to take beautiful pictures and write captions? Your brave writing is creating a community … touched, encouraged, grateful, so very grateful for even the slightest possibility of healing. Take good care. Merci.
Dear Kristin, can it be the raw nerve you touch is a common one we all share? Reading all the comments, I find myself in tears. Who of us could write our story, pick up that gauntlet with such courage? Isn’t it easier for one to take beautiful pictures and write captions? Your brave writing is creating a community … touched, encouraged, grateful, so very grateful for even the slightest possibility of healing. Take good care. Merci.
Kristin,
As a Californian living in Bretagne with my French wife, your writings have captivated me for a couple of years now. As so many others have said, your honesty and vulnerability are so refreshing. Your sudden revelations astounded me, and filled me with respect for you for your courage and humility. As a child of alcoholic parents and having lived through many nightmares, I truly empathize with your brave struggle and wish you all the best. I believe that your writing is bound to help you and give you the ability to stay on top of this awful disease. And you will certainly help others. Thank you for baring your soul, and stay strong. You’re blessed with a loving husband and family and you have so many loving readers–what a great support network! Bon courage!
Kristin,
As a Californian living in Bretagne with my French wife, your writings have captivated me for a couple of years now. As so many others have said, your honesty and vulnerability are so refreshing. Your sudden revelations astounded me, and filled me with respect for you for your courage and humility. As a child of alcoholic parents and having lived through many nightmares, I truly empathize with your brave struggle and wish you all the best. I believe that your writing is bound to help you and give you the ability to stay on top of this awful disease. And you will certainly help others. Thank you for baring your soul, and stay strong. You’re blessed with a loving husband and family and you have so many loving readers–what a great support network! Bon courage!
“Toni Morrison said, ‘The function of freedom is to free someone else,’ and if you are no longer wracked or in bondage to a person or a way of life, tell your story. Risk freeing someone else. Not everyone will be glad that you did. Members of your family and other critics may wish you had kept your secrets. Oh, well, what are you going to do?”
― Anne Lamott
And to reiterate what John said above … you are blessed with a family that encourages you to share…and your readers are already proving that you are making a difference! Yes, bon courage!
“Toni Morrison said, ‘The function of freedom is to free someone else,’ and if you are no longer wracked or in bondage to a person or a way of life, tell your story. Risk freeing someone else. Not everyone will be glad that you did. Members of your family and other critics may wish you had kept your secrets. Oh, well, what are you going to do?”
― Anne Lamott
And to reiterate what John said above … you are blessed with a family that encourages you to share…and your readers are already proving that you are making a difference! Yes, bon courage!
Big hugs and thank you for trusting yourself and us with you open sharing. Always your fan.
Big hugs and thank you for trusting yourself and us with you open sharing. Always your fan.
Kristin,
For some reason I couldn’t open your blog yesterday, but finally got it today. You have out done yourself and I always thought that you were very open, but now even more so. I admire your willingness to give us the other side of Kristin. We will always suppose you and love you. You are a beautiful women …inside and out.
Kathleen and Dean
Kristin,
For some reason I couldn’t open your blog yesterday, but finally got it today. You have out done yourself and I always thought that you were very open, but now even more so. I admire your willingness to give us the other side of Kristin. We will always suppose you and love you. You are a beautiful women …inside and out.
Kathleen and Dean
I too admire you. You seemed to be so perfect. I wanted to BE you. But I know from experience that no one has a perfect life. I had an alcoholic first husband and I have it in my family. This is very brave of you to recount this sad episode. Thank God you are sober! It is definately tough to do and maintain,but so essential to a real life. I have been ill often and at one point had problems from prescription drugs due to no fault of my own. I only took what was prescribed……but I ended up becoming very sick mentally and put my poor husband through horrible times. I was not at fault-yet,I am amazed he stayed with me through it-because I was truly awful for two years. -I am now off all those medicines (benzodiazepines)and it has been over a year thatI am my old self. I am so thankful for every normal day. My family stuck by me and was there for me and are so thankful I am myself again. It was like a living nightmare. So I think you are amazingly brave. I only hope that writing about it will not retraumatize you and make it more difficult for you to enjoy your wonderful and deserved life now, to stay healthy and happy,and to write your beautiful,uplifting,if not confessional- true-life stories- which I love! Do what you think is best-but you do not have to go through it all again and it may not be the best thing for you. I feel that keeping thankful and positive and focusing on all my present blessings and how wonderful life is NOW helps me stay healthy. Just be careful. Do what you think is best,of course, though. Your accounts are very touching. People do need your peaceful,cheery,sweet and good stories of your life now,though. They are very unique in today”s world. Take care. Jeanne from LI New York PS I used to teach French, and have been to south of france many times and love it- and your blog! Really,thanks so much for it. My niece,daughter,husband and brother also speak French-my niece is presently becoming a French teacher and my daughter met her husband,an Englishman,in France while studying in Paris!
I too admire you. You seemed to be so perfect. I wanted to BE you. But I know from experience that no one has a perfect life. I had an alcoholic first husband and I have it in my family. This is very brave of you to recount this sad episode. Thank God you are sober! It is definately tough to do and maintain,but so essential to a real life. I have been ill often and at one point had problems from prescription drugs due to no fault of my own. I only took what was prescribed……but I ended up becoming very sick mentally and put my poor husband through horrible times. I was not at fault-yet,I am amazed he stayed with me through it-because I was truly awful for two years. -I am now off all those medicines (benzodiazepines)and it has been over a year thatI am my old self. I am so thankful for every normal day. My family stuck by me and was there for me and are so thankful I am myself again. It was like a living nightmare. So I think you are amazingly brave. I only hope that writing about it will not retraumatize you and make it more difficult for you to enjoy your wonderful and deserved life now, to stay healthy and happy,and to write your beautiful,uplifting,if not confessional- true-life stories- which I love! Do what you think is best-but you do not have to go through it all again and it may not be the best thing for you. I feel that keeping thankful and positive and focusing on all my present blessings and how wonderful life is NOW helps me stay healthy. Just be careful. Do what you think is best,of course, though. Your accounts are very touching. People do need your peaceful,cheery,sweet and good stories of your life now,though. They are very unique in today”s world. Take care. Jeanne from LI New York PS I used to teach French, and have been to south of france many times and love it- and your blog! Really,thanks so much for it. My niece,daughter,husband and brother also speak French-my niece is presently becoming a French teacher and my daughter met her husband,an Englishman,in France while studying in Paris!
Bravo for writing this – digging deep and revealing painful things about ourselves is what usually produces the best writing. You are revealing the “beneath the surface” truths of your life, and that is what truly draws the reader in. Your husband, if he truly is proud of you, should be supporting you all the way in including these chapters in your book. Stop offering compromises! If this was a story about his troubles with alcohol, that would be different and his permission would be needed. It’s not. This is YOUR story and it is important. Courage and blessings to you.
Bravo for writing this – digging deep and revealing painful things about ourselves is what usually produces the best writing. You are revealing the “beneath the surface” truths of your life, and that is what truly draws the reader in. Your husband, if he truly is proud of you, should be supporting you all the way in including these chapters in your book. Stop offering compromises! If this was a story about his troubles with alcohol, that would be different and his permission would be needed. It’s not. This is YOUR story and it is important. Courage and blessings to you.
Kristi, ‘Shoulding’ is on its way into the dictionary, which is after all a record of living language as it comes into common use. No definitions yet, as the context is enough for now, but there are more and more occurrences of it … still usually in quotation marks indicating it’s a kind of argot …
http://www.wordnik.com/words/shoulding
Since ‘shoulding’ is a new term, reflective of a new way of engaging with old negative habits that we now understand to be unhealthy, its evolution toward ‘official’ recognition is AS IT SHOULD BE!!
SO love and admire the new blogs; keep ’em coming.
Kristi, ‘Shoulding’ is on its way into the dictionary, which is after all a record of living language as it comes into common use. No definitions yet, as the context is enough for now, but there are more and more occurrences of it … still usually in quotation marks indicating it’s a kind of argot …
http://www.wordnik.com/words/shoulding
Since ‘shoulding’ is a new term, reflective of a new way of engaging with old negative habits that we now understand to be unhealthy, its evolution toward ‘official’ recognition is AS IT SHOULD BE!!
SO love and admire the new blogs; keep ’em coming.
The other day on Pinterest I read a quote that went SOMETHING like this….”I would rather be disliked for what I am than admired for what I am not.” I sure don’t live this idea of courage and authenticity 24-7, but I STILL do try everyday to become more of the person I would like to be….a little more loving, a little kinder and sweeter, a little more understanding, gain a little more knowledge of truth in many subjects and lots of other good things. People do change. You have certainly changed for the better, and I would love to read your story, because it is simply obvious that your entire life and all your relationships have become more wonderful than they were a decade ago. That is to be admired. You are wonderful, Kristin! If someone doesn’t understand your story NOW, perhaps they will LATER, because people do change (for better or not) Just do what you know is right. The consequences will follow. I expect most of it will be wonderful for you and all whom you love and who love and care for you!
The other day on Pinterest I read a quote that went SOMETHING like this….”I would rather be disliked for what I am than admired for what I am not.” I sure don’t live this idea of courage and authenticity 24-7, but I STILL do try everyday to become more of the person I would like to be….a little more loving, a little kinder and sweeter, a little more understanding, gain a little more knowledge of truth in many subjects and lots of other good things. People do change. You have certainly changed for the better, and I would love to read your story, because it is simply obvious that your entire life and all your relationships have become more wonderful than they were a decade ago. That is to be admired. You are wonderful, Kristin! If someone doesn’t understand your story NOW, perhaps they will LATER, because people do change (for better or not) Just do what you know is right. The consequences will follow. I expect most of it will be wonderful for you and all whom you love and who love and care for you!
I take it this is non-fiction? This is good and cleansing to the soul. Keep up the good work.
I take it this is non-fiction? This is good and cleansing to the soul. Keep up the good work.
Not only have you dug deeply into your soul to expose the very private you, you have also scratched a layer off your engaging writing to reveal a writer of substance and true talent. Bravo! An observation if I may from family experience: One doesn’t always have to walk the long and painful road to sobriety alone. The fortunate ones have a Jean-Marc to be there every difficult step of the way, sometimes helpless, at times even angry, but always THERE even when they would rather choose not to be. The victory is yours, but the ones who make that journey with a loved one are to be commended for their tenacity and loyalty. Theirs has been a painful journey also.
Not only have you dug deeply into your soul to expose the very private you, you have also scratched a layer off your engaging writing to reveal a writer of substance and true talent. Bravo! An observation if I may from family experience: One doesn’t always have to walk the long and painful road to sobriety alone. The fortunate ones have a Jean-Marc to be there every difficult step of the way, sometimes helpless, at times even angry, but always THERE even when they would rather choose not to be. The victory is yours, but the ones who make that journey with a loved one are to be commended for their tenacity and loyalty. Theirs has been a painful journey also.
You bring new meaning to the word ‘honesty’. I so admire you for sharing your innerself and your struggle. Your courage helps me. Thank you.
You bring new meaning to the word ‘honesty’. I so admire you for sharing your innerself and your struggle. Your courage helps me. Thank you.
There is an old saying in America that has recently become a hit song, “What ever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” (Kelly Clarkson)
To reveal ones self is a most difficult task because of the pain it may cause others, but sometimes it must be done. You are on a journey that apparently must be taken. Hang in there..everyone is ‘rooting’ for you. It will all become clear when you get it done.
There is an old saying in America that has recently become a hit song, “What ever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” (Kelly Clarkson)
To reveal ones self is a most difficult task because of the pain it may cause others, but sometimes it must be done. You are on a journey that apparently must be taken. Hang in there..everyone is ‘rooting’ for you. It will all become clear when you get it done.
We all have things to deal with in our lives. You and your husband have the courage to speak out and offer the insights of your own problems in your lives today. I think you have the gift to write, share with humour, love, joy, laughter and tears. May you go with your heart and be guided by our sprits in ‘ Telling a story My Way ” God Bless you in this a new journey of your life.
We all have things to deal with in our lives. You and your husband have the courage to speak out and offer the insights of your own problems in your lives today. I think you have the gift to write, share with humour, love, joy, laughter and tears. May you go with your heart and be guided by our sprits in ‘ Telling a story My Way ” God Bless you in this a new journey of your life.
BRAVO !! I am the child of an alcoholic Mother, who never did make a recovery(and thus lived with guilt and torment all her life)How I used to pray that she would get help, but it never happened. You managed to grab the reigns and get the hell out of your nighmare!! I am so happy for you…and the book may help so many other people who are thinking of ,or trying to tame that horrible beast . You have done it and made such a better life for yourself and children (to say nothing of your husband)Go for that book …you simply MUST
BRAVO !! I am the child of an alcoholic Mother, who never did make a recovery(and thus lived with guilt and torment all her life)How I used to pray that she would get help, but it never happened. You managed to grab the reigns and get the hell out of your nighmare!! I am so happy for you…and the book may help so many other people who are thinking of ,or trying to tame that horrible beast . You have done it and made such a better life for yourself and children (to say nothing of your husband)Go for that book …you simply MUST