Plumbago and morning glory flowers draped over the hilltop village of La Cadière d'Azur. One of the things to love about le littoral is the abundance of flowers. The French call plumbago La dentellaire du Cap, or simply la dentellaire, for its ability to soigner les dents or treat toothaches–but don't take my word for it!
Ever heard of someone who broke up with a friend over politics? Today, read my story… and thanks for forwarding to a friend!
rompre (rompr)
: to break up, to interupt, stop
rompre avec son (sa) petit(e) ami(e) = to break up with one's boyfriend or girlfriend
rompre avec son (sa) meilleur(e) ami(e) = to break up with one's best friend
rompre avec quelque chose = to break away from something
rompre le silence = to break the silence
rompre le pain = to break bread
rompre la monotonie = to break the monotony
Audio File : listen to Jean-Marc read the list of expressions, just above:
Download MP3 or Download Wav
A Day in a French Life… by Kristin Espinasse
Day before yesterday, while Jean-Marc and the neighbor were felling a few fire-hazardous pines near our new house, I began to think about some longtime friends and to puzzle, once again, over our unexpected estrangement.
It happened over politics, though I suspect the break-up began with the tree we cut down in our back yard (adjacent to my friends' yard). I never wanted that tree to be felled, but when it was declared a hazard ("If a branch broke off of that dying tree," another neighbor warned, "it could kill a kid!" That is all it took for me to agree to have the tree taken down.
My dear friends, a married couple, were physically ill over the tree-felling episode, which they witnessed from their back porch. An arbre is a sacred entity, and it must have been heart-wrenching for them to see that tree come crashing down. But it would have been even more traumatic to me to see one of its heavy branches come down on my children who played beneath it each day.
Around this time the French elections were underway and my dear friends, who are a married couple, were busy rallying for Ségolène Royal. These expats had even drafted a letter to the politician in which they proposed a detailed strategy that, should Mme. Royal heed the instructions, would help her win the upcoming election. When my friends forwarded me the letter via email, I read it, surprised by their moxie to go telling a French president elect what to do! Next I thought, good on them! for exercising their freedom of expression and for believing that they had the ability to effect a change in this world. I should exercise such precious freedoms too!
Newly inspired, I tried to respond to their forwarded letter, only it was hard for me to put my thoughts to words. The truth was, I knew so little about politics, in spite of getting an earful each day from my husband (anti-Ségolène) and again from my friends (super-pro-Ségolène!).
I thought to keep my reply simple, hoping both to encourage my neighbor to exercise his rights (and his wife's)… while not drawing too much attention to my own ignorance vis-à-vis the political debate). Here's the entire word-for-word response that I wrote:
Dear A,
I think your letter was helpful to Madame Royal and you have given some very good ideas. (Next I quickly changed the subject…):
It was nice bumping into you the other day while out on a walk. I will miss walking along that scenic path and the scent of the garrigue here in the Var!
My best to Z.
Love,
Kristi
A few days later I received a surprising and disturbing response:
Dear Kristi,
I have received your email in which you try to give the impression that you support Ségolène.
Whom you support is your business. It is not my concern.
But when your daughter told us yesterday, when she and [name withheld] visited us, that both you and Jean-Marc support Sarkozy, it showed a certain double-faced nature, which didn’t come as a surprise.What really disappointed me greatly is when the two girls started arguing the case for waging wars. “Having wars is good, so long as it does not take place in France.” That is what my ears heard. When I heard that my heart fell. That someone so young can make such a statement shows that they have been badly brought up, lacking any ethical and moral sense, showing no lack of respect for life.
With kind regards,
A
Reading the letter I was amazed. So many strange accusations and unthruths (No! my 9-year-old daughter was not out touting war! (She happened to be out looking for candy, which these neighbors and good friends took delight in giving her.) No, she would not have said both my husband and I were for Sarkozy (an impossibility!).
No, no! no! Rereading the letter I was struck by the sentence "that is what my ears heard"… Could it be that my neighbor was so caught up in the current politics that when a couple of 9-year-olds stopped by… they sounded to him like a team of warmongers?
I had to respond to the accusations, but I could hardly type the first word, and the second word is completely missing as you'll see…
Dear A,
I disheartened by your email.
As for the other harsh words, I am speechless.
I am not a Sarkozy supporter, for the record.
Reading your email and the accusations, my heart has fallen as you say yours has.
Kristi
But the final words from my dear friend took my breath away:
Dear Kristi,
Please understand that I’m not angry with you.
The reason why I’m writing again is out of concern for your mental health and welfare generally.
Honestly, I don’t see one Kristi. There are two Kristis in one physical body, one Kristi who is totally unaware of what the other Kristi is thinking, feeling and doing. In medical jargon this condition is called schizophrenia. It affects thousands of people in varying degrees. If you don’t put the matter right now, it might get aggravated in the years to come. So I suggest you consulting with a reliable English-speaking psychoanalyst, I say English-speaking because that’s your parental language, not French, and all your earliest impressions are tied up with your first language. I realise that such psychoanalysts would be difficult to find in France, so you can try elsewhere.
Kind regards
A
No matter how many times I tried to find the words, I could not respond to my friend's letter. Sadly, I never spoke to the couple ever again.
The letter left me deeply thoughtful and somewhat agitated. Were there several Kristis? A tree-felling Lumberjack Kristi? A two-faced Sarkozy-Segolène Kristi? Or a multiple mugged People-Pleaser Kristi?
I don't know that I know who I am anymore than the next person does. Just who am I to know? I am both a very open and expressive public persona… and I am a fiercely private likes-to-live-in-her-own-room person, too.
I leave off, ironically, with a well known aphorism: Know thyself. Some say it means "to pay no attention to the multitude". This brings me a certain peace when it comes to hurtful name-calling.
***
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Mom, checking out all the succulents, or plantes grasses, growing in La Cadière d'Azur.
Jean-Marc left me a couple of sea oursins for lunch. "You sure you can open them?" he asked. I'm having doubts now… I should have paid more attention when he used the kitchen scissors to circumvent this prickly shell. Will take a stab at it soon… bon appétit!
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K — This wasn’t really a political parting of the ways, rather (via a sort of political catalyst) someone you believed to be a friend, a nice person, showed his true colors.
Painful experience, but you had no part in it.
Your neighbor’s behavior is weird and irrational — not to mention ethnocentric and condescending. Like know-it-alls everywhere, this guy thinks his “correct” opinion entitles him to be just plain rude! Politics, religion, child-rearing or any other opinion-generating topic, doesn’t matter, there will always be some bombast who delights in pointing out not only that we’re wrong but that we’re stupid and poorly-informed and unworthy.
Your restraint speaks more highly of you than any last word could (and I think last words rarely turn out to be as satisfying as they advertise while the script is playing in your head). Be of good cheer.
What an amazing story. I was gobsmacked. Like most of those who’ve commented already, I think you did the right thing by remaining civil but deciding to end the relationship.
Thanks for your blog – I love it and find you quite inspirational. Best wishes, Susan
My heart goes out to you, unfortunately because I too have had sad experience of losing friends. Truth is it is impossible to understand sometimes. My loss was friends that were expats with us in France, but the rompre happened after our mutual return to the states. I will never get it, but it is so sad. Stay away this is about them not you!
Dear Kristi,
Hello. I have been betrayed a few times in the past few years, and though it hurts, I have chosen forgiveness. That doesn’t mean that I trust them or even want them close. But when I am first aware that a relationship is impaired or seems to be in trouble, I run after peace with that person. I ignore slights and try my hardest to placate them. Now these former friends don’t sound like they really have a healthy friendship to offer you, but these might be the people who need your friendship the most. Even when people decide to give me a begrudging “pardon” for something that I didn’t do, I am so glad to have people at peace with me. I used to be a person who never really cared if i offended people, but I feel very differently now. I think that the Lord has worked this in me. Much love, Dianne
Very odd. Honestly, I’d agree with others that they come off as crazy neighbors. It’s especially odd that they reacted negatively when your email was so pleasant and complementary. It is hard to know what someone is thinking when they write an email and they assumed you were being snarky. A shame. The nonsense that follows (including her speculation that your daughter, at 9 years old, was divulging a family political stance) is pathetic.
Last July, a friend of mine lectured me for ten minutes in the midst of a dinner party on an issue on which we agreed, but she assumed because of my politics that we did not agree. It was egregiously pedantic and the steam coming from my ears must have been visible. I was offended enough that I nearly walked out and haven’t spoken to her since.
If the side I prefer wins, I will be tempted to invite her to the celebration we think we’ll hold, but that would be worse behavior than her lecture.
Dear Kristi,
Who is this person to diagnose a friend and neighbor? It is too laughable. She was being very offensive to an obviously caring and lovely neighbor. I am very glad she is
not your neighbor anymore and feel sorry for her new neighbors. You tried, Kristi, but she wasn’t worth it.
I am not worried in the least about your character, your mothering skills, and your psyche. Instead, I worry about individuals who fashion themselves as political consultants (in a country that is not their own, no less), psychiatrists, and child development specialists. I also suspect that they lack credentials in all of these areas. Had they expertise in these fields, they would know better than to consult, diagnose, and advise from afar. You are a smart and caring individual, and you do not need these people in your life. Bien à toi, Dorothy
Came here via the 10th anniversary post.
I have to say that the email system has caused as many problems as it has ever solved. It reveals some very nasty streaks in the human temperament and I am saddened that Kristin should be treated in this way.
Distressing as this may be for Kristin, imagine the torment that must continue in A’s head, quel cauchemar.
Bon courage chere Kristin
Oh, my, Kristi. I see why that was so disturbing! How random, untrue, and out of left field. Things like that do hurt. Obviously a true friend wouldn’t behave this way. I’ve had a few rough situations like this and found what works well for me is to pray for that person. It’s hard to be upset with someone when you’re asking God to be with them and show them His ways. Asking Him to help us see them as He does softens our hearts and allows us to move on as well.
Much love to a beautiful, grounded, dreamer. 🙂
Tam in TX
Salut Kristi,
Just keep your feet firmly planted and walk away from toxic friends. Know that you gave them respect for existing as fellow human beings who were on the planet at the same time as you, but that you can no longer share your self with them. Your growth is in a different direction.
Amitiés,
La Lapine de Cleveland, OH
Dear Kristi-Not to respond to such a heart sinking person was the wise thing to do. I feel lucky to have been at your vendage, in St Cecile, on May 8,and I very much love you new “bout de ciel!” All the best to you and YOURS-Matilda At Superstition
Kristi, I feel the same way as Marguerite, so many posts said exactly what I would have. You should feel fully reassured that you are not the nutty one, and that sooooo many people know, admire, respect and love you, me included!
And again thank you for posting that terrible story, I’m sure it helped many of us realize in our own lives that it’s usually the accuser who has the problem… all my love and support xox Suz
ps happy halloween!
Kristi- I know this is late as I just had a chance to read this entry. After reading your blog for over a year now and meeting your husband in Boston, I have a tremendously hard time believing anything about you other than the kind, caring, thoughtful person that is portrayed in your writing. Sounds to me like the very odd & strange comments of a right wing extremist. Seems to be happening both in France and the US. Sorry this had to happen so close to your 10th anniversary. Please take a moment to enjoy the milestone, your new home and JM’s new mourvedre adventure. Meilleur Souhaits
Kristi: I am absolutely amazed by the brazen and ill informed note your ‘friends’ sent you. Wow! I am, however, also amused by the response, above, of one Gus Coulton (sp) and fully concur with his suggestion. The world is full of self absorbed people who become so wrapped up in their imaginary lives that they no longer have a full grasp on reality. Dumping ‘friends’ like that may be difficult but in the end will prove to be the best course of action. Take heart, continue your good works, and accept that all in this life are not as well balanced as yourself.
Barry
(a former military brat who once lived in Paris and completely enjoyed the experience)
Kristi, To quote your reader, Suzanne Dunaway, “If there is one thing I adhere to at this ripe age ,etc”.,She hit the nail on the head. It is the intolerance and ignorance of the less educated we have to try and contend with. My daughter is psyche’ nurse. I’m glad this woman isn’t one of her patients.
I have just received a venomous voice message from my neighbor and friend of over 20 years. There was no predicting the onslaught and nothing to do about the attack. It is the cry of someone who needs to be left alone with their vicious thoughts. Nothing of what your emailer accuses you of has anything to do with you except that you left, you cut down a tree and you are not suffering. They do not deal with the facts. With their emails they would like you to suffer.
Reading all the terrific posts I feel better. Your admirers and friends are wonderful.
Thank you for all the sunshine you bring to my life.
Kristi-
I waited a few days to respond because I was so outraged by the multiple comments and judgements of your “friend”. I think her remarks say more about her as a person and her lack of self esteem than about you and any misconceptions she might have about you. She appears prejudiced, unreasonable and egotistical in her assessments. I fear you might miss what you would like to think your friendship was versus what any future relationship might hold. Move on with no regrets.
Dear Kristen:
The British have a phrase, in the language of Middle French, that states: “Honi soit qui mal y pense.” Your friends are not only wrong about your and you family, their behavior towards you is poisonous and patronizing. Have pity on them for they have small minds and smaller hearts.
In admiration and friendship,
Shari
Dear Kristi:
Wow, you got a lot of responses from that post!
I think life is short and that sometimes
we just have to move on.
Take care,
Edie from Savannah
Kristi,
Jealousy is the motivating factor. You are successful and loved. Apparently the author of the letter is not.
Was away and didn’t read this mail until today. Don’t lose feelings and time with those so-called friends who display no kindness or tolerance for your views. The woman who wrote those mean letters is the one who needs the psychoanalyst in any language! I am appalled how she twisted your words to satisfy her mean spirit. Congratulations to you and your family on your move. Much happiness.
I’m having doubts now… I should have paid more attention when he used the kitchen scissors to circumvent this prickly shell. Will take a stab at it soon…
My mother warned me about people like your ex-friends.
Kristi, your friends are disturbed. There are many out there who are and politics seems to bring it out. There’s no sign of mental illness in your writings. I wouldn’t give that another thought. You’re terrific.
Yes, I have let go of some friendships – mostly acquaintances, especially over the last few years of political animosity in this country. It’s been ugly and I want no part of it but at the same time will continue to support what I feel is right. Times are a little crazy but there have been times like this over the years so I believe this too will pass.
Take care of yourself!
Yikes! That neighbor sounds totally nuts! Wouldn’t be a friend I would want.
Surely one can’t take to heart the words of a pop psychologist who doesn’t even understand the diagnosis of schizophrenia? She is laughable.
How can those mean people have the nerve to sign off with “kind regards”? Nothing kind about the venom they spat. Those are not dear friends and seem to me to be dangerous. Please try to forget them, they were never your true friends and are the ones that had a double face. Best to you and your lovely family.