From time to time, I like to share this snapshot, taken in the Aosta Valley (Italy) during our 2007 family vacation. We were going through a particularly upheavaling time… when I stumbled across this hand-painted sign. It reads: "To live well: love well and let others say what they will". ("Pour bien vivre, bien aimer et laisser dire.")
Meet Chief Grape in California and Oregon soon! Check out some of the cities he is visiting on his USA wine tour, click here.
péter les plombs (peh-tay lay plohm)
: to lose it, to flip out, to go crazy; to get angry
A Day in a French Life… by Kristin Espinasse
I don't even know where to begin with this one. Perhaps with the action part:
J'AI PETE LES PLOMBS!!!
It's true, I lost it–blew my top! Went ballistic! HAD A COW. It happened Monday night, on returning from Avignon, where I had had three different doctor appointments. I suppose I was worn out from the pushing, pinching, and flattening–but perhaps more so from the driving and the waiting!
The driving began earlier in the day, when I needed to set off in one direction (to take the kids to school), before turning around and heading south, to the city. Manque de chance, because of unlucky scheduling I would need to repeat the aller-retour later in the day (heading north again, to pick up the kids, then south, for the final doctor's appointment).
At the end of the day, after so many hours on the road and in medical offices, I had but one burning desire: to arrive home, change into my PJs and crawl under the covers!
Driving home from Avignon, along dark and winding country roads, I nursed a comforting vision in my mind: I saw a hot cup of tea on my nightstand, my petit carnet, colorful pens, and my current favorite book of devotion. Only, a cruel irony awaited me: instead of spending time in soulful and spiritual renewal–the next moments would be spent paving the road to hell!
And so it was that I did not walk into the house and make a beeline to my room. Instead, I was met at the front door by my pleading daughter. Here follows a mini-dialogue of what happened next:
Jackie: "Mom, can you take me to S's house?"
Me: "What? When? Why? NO!" The idea of getting back into the car to drive through the dark to another town was downright painful.
Jackie: "But she needs me!" (insert bucket of manipulation and guilt)
Hit by the unexpected, my meltdown was swiftly underway. After the Who, What, When, and Pourquoi of it, I came to the conclusion that I just could not conclude! I was too tired, too fracassée to deal with what my street smarts were telling me were no more than adolescent drama and caprice. Only, my street smarts were worn out from the day; presently dumbness reigned–and it was dumbness that handed me the first brick!
Paving The Road to Hell
I became angry with the realization that, during the hours in which I was away for medical tests and rehabilitation, my daughter had been on Facebook, chatting with friends, getting involved in dramas and, before long, rescheduling my evening to include one final flippant foray back out into the night! No! I would not drive her to her friend's (all this sous prétexte that the friend was in need. In need my foot — or rather, my breast!, for a mammography was just one of the exams I'd undergone earlier in the day!)
FORGET IT!!!! I shouted, drowning out my daughter's protests, unwilling to be pushed (or flattened or pinched…) any further! But when my teenager continued to pressure me, something hit a nerve and got me seething!
"LEAVE ME ALONE! THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!!" I shouted. I was frustrated by the details of the current "crisis" and yet, deep down, my gut and Experience told me that the current adolescent dilemma was nothing serious. I would not have to drive my daughter over to her friend's! I had the perfect right to call it a day and get the rest my body needed–and not feel coupable.
Instead, my daughter persevered, citing more reasons why I should give in. And give in I did, only not in the way that she might have expected….
"QUIT. PUSHING. ME." J'ai hurlé. Next, I watched as a tirade of gros mots and insults leapt out of my mouth like dragon fire. I listened, astonished, wondering where, sur terre, such offensive words originated? (A telephone call to my Mom, later that evening, would reveal that the words were ancestral–and that my own mom was as astonished as I was, when, 30 years before, she listened to the same tirade fly out of her own mouth. To attribute these gros mots to our ancient kin wasn't so much a blaming…as it was a reclaiming: I claim these @#&! words to be my own grandmother's words! And, boy, it seemed she sure had a mouth!)
Then, as my mother had done decades before me, I slammed as many doors as I could before ending up in my own bedroom, where I spit out several more 'ancestral' expletives. Next, I fell into bed, completely spent.
That's when remorse hit me like a gavel. Guilty!
Instead of reaching for my devotional, I reached for the computer and googled for an answer.
Google told me to apologize.
(You'd be amazed at what an internet search for "lost my temper with my 14-year-old" brings up!).
After knocking gently on my daughter's door, I entered and sat beside her on her bed. "I am sorry. Je suis désolée. Day-zo-lay! So sorry. Please forgive me."
I did not take back the punishment that I had given her earlier (she would still lose her computer privileges… for chatting (and thus getting us all into this mess in the first place!) when she should have been doing her homework). I may have been wrong in losing my temper, but my daughter would still have to respect my "computer" decision. As for me, I could still respect our mother-daughter bond, by asking for forgiveness for being in the wrong.
Finally, I put on my PJs, crawled under the covers, took a long sip of some hot tea… and cracked open my devotional. I am always amazed at the realization that, no matter how hot-to-trot-upon-the-spiritual-path I think I am, when all is said and done, it often seems I am no closer to spiritual perfection than when I first set out.
Comments Corner
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Post note: I saw the friend-in-question the very next day, and overheard the girls as they giggled about boys, clothes, and other fancies. I felt relief to be freed from any lingering doubt about whether or not I had made the right decision the night before.
***
French Vocabulary
péter les plombs = to lose it
manque de chance = unluckily
le petit carnet = little notebook
un aller-retour = roundtrip, a coming and going
pourquoi = why
fracassé(e) = shattered
sous-prétexte = under the pretence
un gros mot = cuss word
coupable = guilty
j'ai hurlé = I yelled
sur terre = on earth
je suis désolé(e) = I am sorry
My beautiful daughter, Jackie. She's fourteen going on forever. She is timeless and precious to me!
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I hope you rest in comfort knowing you made the right choices twice, no thrice.
Not agreeing to the ride to a friend, apologizing for using stronger words than you migh have usually used, and holding to the discipline for failing to do homework in the slot allotted for homework.
Pretty good track record on a day of driving and doctor appointments, I say.
Parents of teens have the hard job of always being the limits to their child’s world, no matter how many times or ways the child hits up against those limits.
No easy job, that.
My daughter and I had a difficult relationship from age 14 until 18. Later on, about the time she graduated from college, she apologized to me for her behavior.
Now she has two girls, three and one. I wish her luck because they are both adorable little firecrackers!
Hang in there, my dear! All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Lots of wisdom in these comments, and I concur, but I assume someone would talk about the etymology of the expression. Would the English “shit a brick” be an equivalent, or am I missing the etymological point?
Just returned from similar and exhausting seven hour roundtrip trip to find your story.
My first reaction was total empathy … I know just how you feel. My second reaction? I’ll be darned you’re just as human as the rest of us. We’ve all been there, done that, regretted the explosion, apologized and still stuck to our guns where it was important. I even once said how sorry I was about the way I expressed my anger and frustration, but meant exactly WHAT I said. Wish I’d not lost my cool and wish I’d chosen kinder words, such guilt. Drives us dippy. Thank heavens only temporarily … for most of us very rarely.
We are all indebted to you for sharing. And grateful for the reminders re cancer vigilance, screenings and awareness.
Ronni
Chère Kristin,
How many mothers and grandmothers around the world, have just read today’s post and smiled ruefully in complete understanding? Probably tens of thousands! I have had exactly the same experience. Recently I my son described his own melt down – it was a perfect reflection of me and of my mother before me. He has a 16 year old son, and he goes through many of the same challenges of parenting a boy who is so much like him!
Our children do not need us to be perfect. They need us to be loving, wise and honest. You are all of those things, and much more besides. So be gentle with yourself, and take as good care of you as you would have us take care of ourselves. (Isn’t this a sort of corollary to the Golden Rule?)
Be well and happy,
Johanna DeMay
Albuquerque, NM, where the Spring winds are going wild!
What a day!!! I so felt your need for the solace of your room! I too can relate, Kristi, though it was my beloved dogs I lost it on when I was over-the-edge stressed and wearing thin. Thank God for forgiveness and the promise of a new day. I so admire your authenticity and your courage. xoxo
Thankfully, perfection is a projection that we mistakenly sometimes think is what we are aiming towards. It is not a realizable goal, and the worst part of it is the damage we do to ourselves when we mentally beat ourselves up for falling short. Jackie learned an important lesson — trying to manipulate you did not work. This dance between Moms and their teen daughters continues – you are part of a huge circle of sometimes-exploding Moms. Sometimes it takes this explosion to get their attention and to stop what is happening.
Rest well. Love to all.
Yes, some days all we can do is survive, as we move from one obligation to another – it seems to be part of the human condition.
I do wonder, WHY does the French school system not provide transportation to school? Maybe you don’t have a 40-hour-a-week job outside the home (which doesn’t mean you aren’t busy), but some do; when would they take their children to school? And some families are probably more isolated than yours. I used to drop my son off on the way, and pick him up in the evening from aftercare at the school, but didn’t have to make two separate trips. That can eat up a lot of time.
I was once so mad at my son, about 12 at the time, that I took a long walk around the neighborhood. I’d never used any kind of corporal punishment on him, but feared that if I didn’t dissipate my anger, I might hit him (I never did). It’s good to cool off.
On a couple of other occasions later on, I overreacted to whatever the situation was, and apologized. My son commented not too long ago that I was a “decent parent” – not overly lax, and not tool controlling. Whew!
Jackie is gorgeous – and she will probably be glad to hear that I think she looks older than 14.
I’ve had parents say to me that once their children become teenagers, they are “virtually adults” and should be treated as such. We can loosen the reins, but they still need guidance, because of their lack of life experience. And from what I’ve read, the adolescent brain doesn’t function like an adult brain, particularly in the area where judgments are made.
On another subject: whether mammograms are recommended or not, I URGE any woman 40 or over (the typical baseline age) to get regular mammograms. The frequency could be every 2-3 years at 40, then annually after 50 or so. Tumors can be found which cannot be detected manually, and removed before they get larger and possibly life-threatening.
Anyone who has had radiation treatments, such as for breat cancer, will have a lifelong greater vulnerability to skin cancer, so it is essential to avoid intense sunlight, and to wear sunscreen.
Hi Kristin, Not to worry. Jackie is only doing what she must. And so are you….it’s better to be now than later. I hope the tea was great–this spiritual road that we are on is not down hill; but the growth does happen exactly when and where we least expect it. Be well. Mary
Sometimes situations just cant be avoided, but are best dealt with, and we’ve all learnt a little from your arduous day.
Your emotive writings have me in tears again! – first your dog, now your daughter!
My daughter is 5 going on 15. I breathe deeply. Alot.
I hope you slept well that night.
Best wishes
Hi Kristin—as you know from your own feelings and reactions and comments from your Mom, friends and all of us-I’m just adding to it/would like to reiterate that what happened–has happened with all of us!!!
The good thing is the ‘realisation and acceptance and apology’. You are already on
your Spritual path. Great!!
Take care.
Love, Rina.
Kristi…I raised 4 daughters and a son (he was easy compared to the girls as they seemed to turn into thoughtless alien beings at about 13–14) Many times I felt I didn’t even like them ,( but then they would say or do “something” to remind me that they were still “in there”) Between 16 and 17 the new semi adult emerged and a lovely new relationship developed. So , parents just have to wait for all that angst to pass (and it does)to meet their new “improved” daughter and in my many cases “friend”. Hang in there !!
Anne (New Zealand)
Kristin, after 60+ years of observing and assisting people on their spiritual journey I’ve come to this conclusion: One is never “closer” to God than when one realizes how far “away” one really is.
I love the classic line from the movie “Rudy” when the priest tells Rudy, “I’ve been a priest for “x” years and I’m only sure of two things: 1) There is a God. 2) I’m not him.”
God Bless,
Wow! It is so good to know that we are all “in the same boat”! Thanks to all of you for the reassurance that I too am doing the right thing by keeping the punishment but apologizing for the “human” reaction when I peter les plombs!
Another WOW! for Jackie’s picture! She is an incredibly beautiful young lady, just like her Mama!
Hi Kristin,
It’s not only mothers who get that treatment from their teenage daughters! Your story brought back vivid memories of times (happily) long past to this father! And now a practical suggestion to avoid teens spending too much time on their computers: install some free software such as K-9 (Google it!) which not only protects them from unsuitable sites and unwanted intrusions from predatory strangers, it enables you to control and restrict access to Wi-Fi connections to a prearranged timetable.And its password protected! Keep up the good fight!
Terry (Saint-Remy-De-Provence)
PS still waiting for your visit!
Dear Kristi, I have not read any of the comments above (all great, no doubt) as there are only my words for you that burn to be sent.
You truly have a most beautiful essence (yes, flawed for being a human). I absolutely love today’s story, another example of your courage to reveal your imperfections and deep love for your family. It is why so many of your readers love you, feeling so close to you. Moi, aussi! A mon avis, c’est un echantillon de ton meilleur ecrit! Comme toujours!
Have started working on a small family reunion on the 27th of May, hoping to see as many of our descendants as possible. You (that’s plural) are invited.
It will be the best possible 85th birthday present — one or more Espinasses would be the live “frosting on the cake”!
Never too old to dream. Fred
P.S. Details joyously sent on request.
Dear Kristin,
There is another side to this. You had a very stressful day. The demands were many and the medical issues you’ve been faced with have had their own set of stressors. No wonder you needed your own space to cope with all that was going on for you! It would be a good lesson for your daughter to also understand that there are moments where life is not easy for her parents.
I grew up the second eldest (and oldest boy) of six. My dad had his first heart attack shortly after my first year of high-school. He was out of work for a long time and set the family’s financial future in peril. I don’t recall exactly how they communicated to us the situation, but it was easy to see the pain and anguish in my parents’ faces because they didn’t know how they were going to feed six hungry mouths let alone pay the mortgage. They were proud and strong but somehow life had hit them hard.
Somehow the message came through and somehow we all took it to heart. From oldest to youngest, we found ways to earn money to buy what we needed, including food for the family and our Catholic school tuition. Mom cashed in her insurance policy and was hired by our pastor to become the school secretary. I babysit two boys down the street and was hired as the full-time church organist at the age of 15 again through the grace of our kind and understanding pastor. We survived.
It wasn’t easy but we continued to rally because my dad’s illnesses continued to mount over the years. His was a sad and painful life (eventually a double-amputee secondary to Berger’s Disease, Addison’s Disease, prostate cancer compounded by struggles with alcoholism until finally he achieved sobriety 15 years before he died). He was a good man and taught us many good lessons. I continue to be amazed at the strength and wisdom of my parents as they endured the trials of life.
All this left an impression on my siblings and myself. While some families fall apart, ours became stronger as we came together to face our problems and help one another. That work continues to this day. It’s not been easy but we are the better for it.
So, dear Kristin, take heart. Use this as an opportunity to teach your beautiful children yet another lesson in life. They need to know that it isn’t always a bed of roses and even you and Jean-Marc as their parents, have vulnerabilities and sometimes need a bit of empathy.
One day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time, we live, we cope, and we love.
With warm regards,
Tom (Jersey City NJ)
You’re a special person. Thank you for this blog.
Hi Kristin,
We have all been there! Lovely photo of Jackie and yes, she looks way older than 14!