I would like to be more welcoming to strangers. And you?
inhospitalier (in os pih tal yay) adjective
: inhospitable
A Day in a French Life… by Kristin Espinasse
The French have a synonym for ingracious. They call it "uninhabitable" ("inhabitable") and I guess that sums up the way I seem to be: resistant to anyone taking up residence inside of me… which may explain the pains I take in putting up so many boundaries. But God gave me a hospitable "habitable" husband and a semi-public farm in which to daily test (or, rather, stretch) me. Only, progress is slow and I wonder when will I be able to offer an unexpected visitor a warm hello?
***
Seated at the picnic table under our shady Mulberry tree, I was eating lunch with Lou and the harvest crew when I noticed a car inching up our driveway.
The Unexpected Visitor! Who could it be? What do they need? And why haven't they warned before they've come calling?
A warning… It is now with ice pick eyes that I glare at my husband. There must have been advanced notice! Surely there was a warning! He just forgot to share it with me! Calm down. Never mind. The lesson is the same.
I felt a familiar inward growl growing from deep within: the piping up of my inner territorial troglodyte. Oh, cave dweller, it is so hard to learn lessons!
I hear the car door slam shut and gravel crunching beneath the unfamiliar one's feet.
"Who could it be?" my mind murmured on. There it was again, that grievous gargouillement... It wasn't my empty stomach smarting: it was the howling of an inhospitable house mouse, the one who'd rather run and hide, slipping through a crack in the wall and over to the quiet, predictable other side.
There, inside my little comfort cave I stare at a poster on my wall. It reads:
Be not inhospitable to strangers, lest they be angels in disguise.*
Dutifully, I recite the sage words over and again.
Be not inhospitable to strangers, lest they be angels in disguise.
Be not inhospitable to strangers, lest they be angels in disguise.
Be not inhospitable to strangers, lest they be angels in disguise.
It's no use. It is only in the doing and not in the "drilling in" that one begins to overcome.
The little house mouse inside of me turns and faces the entry. She stares stubbornly. Outside the crack in the wall there is light. It sends reassuring rays into her space. She can feel it on her timid toes. It is pulling her outward. To where? Heaven knows.
French Vocabulary & Notes
le gargouillement = gurgling, grumbling
*"Be not inhospitable to strangers" is a message found on the walls of the famous bookstore in Paris Shakespeare & Co. It comes from Hebrews 13:2:
Ne négligez pas de pratiquer l'hospitalité. Car plusieurs, en l'exerçant, ont accueilli des anges sans le savoir.
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Me too. I think I am what the French call “sauvage”. I really like to be alone most of the time and don’t get into the constant dinner partying going around me. I don’t blab on the telephone all day. I do have friends I like to see and I do like occasional visitors or going out…just not all the time.
Boundaries are important for me, and really appreciate visitors who let me know in advance in some occasions.But people in need and people I love are welcome anytime. Btw, I love the words ” Angles in disguise” ” Des anges sans le savoir” and thank you for that.
I also don’t like the unannounced visitor, but I extend it to the telephone. I often get in “trouble” with my wife when she comes home and there’s a message. “Why didn’t you answer the phone?” she asks, “because it wasn’t for me” I answer, “…but you could’ve taken a message” she responds, “but the answering machine took the message” I respond – not always a winning argument.
Just curious if anyone has an idea of why inhospitalier kept its “s” but hopital had some surgery (that circumflex, which I can’t reproduce)indicates an “s” was there at one time.
Kristin, this one hit home for me. Although I had a very public occupation (teaching high school) which I loved, I find that I prefer my own company and my own house, my own children,grandchildren, as I get older. I fight this inner man all the time by stayng in prayer, being active in my church and friendly to my neighbors. The surprise? With God’s grace, it works! I am finding balance! You will, too. P.S. That’s a favorite verse, and it too is true.
enquiring minds would like to know- so…. who was it???????
I tend to put heavy hospitable weight upon myself. I feel that all outward appearances surrounding the house – cleanliness of the kitchen, bathroom, laundry & yard – reflect upon me. Therefore a guest means work to me. I’m trying to ease up on this by telling myself that everyone lives with mess.
You probably need a space to go to in your home to get away, Kristin.
This story seemed so full of paradoxes to me! Here you are the intrepid photographer, who trespasses into her neighbor’s lives at will, yet you don’t spread the welcome mat at your own abode, even though, as a semipublic farm, it would seem to be a necessity?? My husband runs a fly tying shop out of our home, and I work from home via the internet. I am constantly being interupted during trout season to come out and show his flies. Strangers pop in and out all day and all of them have a story and want to talk! I enjoy the traffic and love to hear the stories. I think this has to do with our inner natures. I’ve been told I’m way too trusting and you and the other posters here are perhaps less so? This story really made me think, thanks!! I’ve always loved that particular bible verse as I believe the Lord uses us sometimes as his messengers. Sometimes I’ve felt a strong pull to reach out to a perfect stranger, I’m sure we all have. Perhaps Kristen, if you think of strangers as potential angelic messengers it will lessen the sting! Love your blog! Keep us thinking and on our toes! PS So who was the stranger???
Punch, this link will give you instructions on how to type accents on a PC:
http://french.about.com/od/writing/ss/typeaccents_7.htm
Any other OS, try looking here:
http://french.about.com/od/writing/ss/typeaccents.htm
Mon Petit Avatar, I definetely agree with you!
Some people need lots of company and seek out others. Some people enjoy solitude. It is good when you can finally accept yourself and not feel like you are bad because you are not one of the social ones. When you accept this, you will learn about so many others who share this feeling and that it is normal.
Sharon S.
PS. Just returned from spending three days in Paris alone instead of with my group. Loved every minute. Joyful even in rain.
Kristin — When my husband and I got married, his mother told mine, “I never knew who he was going to bring home for dinner!” This has been my life for 36 years and I am still at un certain âge often wanting to run for the hills. However… through the years I have learned a few self-talk strategies, among them taking a few deep breaths and reminding myself about les anges I have met through his open-mind-heartedness. Just last night in fact, an unexpected visitor joined us for dinner au dernier moment….and, of course, I loved him.
Thank you for this post.
I am right with you, Kristin! Every time life nudges me toward being more “out there,” more open to strangers, it takes everything I have to follow along. And life seems to nudge this way a LOT. It’s so nice to know (many) others feel this way.
Hi Kristin,
One of your (many) strengths: you can turn the tiniest of daily events into an engaging story with a valuable life lesson. Merci for this one.
Lynn
Hi Kristin,
INHOSPITALIER / inhospitalière means “pas accueillant” (‘not welcoming’)
Can this adjective be applied to you? Noooo… surely not! Can I think of you as “une hôtesse inhospitalière”? Not really! Is the writer playing a trick?… probably not! The truth is…
A rough, austere and dangerous area may be “inhospitalier/inhospitalière”.
A crumbling house may be “inhabitable” (deplorable living conditions. The people who live in it, (or the people who live in a beautiful house) may or may not be “hospitaliers” towards strangers who come unexpectibly and end up disturbing their life… Unfamiliar faces may not be welcome… Yes, this is possible…
Kristin, you certainly give us the impression your husband is “très vivable” (bon caractère, affable, courtois, facile à vivre) and surely très “hospitalier” towards visitors. I would rather believe your good nature makes you “une hôtesse très hospitalière”.
I think it is quite inconsiderate to turn up along your drive and at your door step without any warning or arrangement with you “au préalable” (‘before hand’). In this case, I certainly share the inward growling feeling when you heard the car of the unexpected visitor at a time when you were in good company and would have preferred not to be disturbed. I would have thought it didn’t take you long to disguise the uneasiness you felt at the time, with a sort of surimposed smile and a few words! Hmmm
What a (lovely) surprise for the reader! Here we are, gently introduced to this ‘little house mouse’ inside you! I visualised the scene as if I was reading a marvellous tale for children–and grown-ups! I wanted “la p’tit’ souris” to get quickly reassured and pull you towards the ‘unexpected visitor’, with a confident and genuine smile – the perfect hostess displaying her sense of “hospitalité”.
Was your “visiteur inattendu” an angel in disguise?
Hi Kristin, I can’t believe so many people feel the same way. I guess I am mostly with Karen, “the weight” of the outside appearances. Thanks for having this site.
Mg
Thank you for your thoughts on the “drop by” topic.
Newforest, thank you for more info on “inhospitalier” — and more 🙂
And to those who asked about who stopped by… yes, we will be meeting an angel soon!
I learned something refreshing about you with today’s story — you can be a masterful tease! Like Lorena and Holly, you led us on an increasingly curious trip and, aside from the wise Biblical quote, left us figuratively dangling! Perhaps in time you can rescue us by revealing whether the unannounced visitor was an angel or not, without telling his name.
Another superb job, cher ecrivan; thanks tons. Beaucoup d’amour a tous!
PS
1) Top photo: “une marquise multicolore”. Lively and friendly colours of the glass on the top, with intention to welcome the visitors! (“visiteurs attendus -et- visiteurs inattendus” -> ‘expected -and- unexpected visitors’)
2) Sale online of Second edition of FWAD, Summer stories 2009: THE DISCOUNT.
I was very pleased to see a few days ago you managed to arrange the discount in two extra currencies, so, I immediately clicked on (£) and at the end, typed the code you provided. My order is on the way!
Excellent time to take advantage of the discount, so, mille mercis for all arrangements.
Bonjour Kristin,
I had a big smile on my face the entire time while reading your post this morning…
As an artist I am constantly required to meet and greet my buyers as they visit my studio and gallery here at my home.
Each time I hear a car pull up I get a little , defensive? inhospitalière.
I do expect a call first, but somedays I get intruded upon.
AS I grow older I am becoming more protective of my solitude!
I wonder sometimes how to make changes, and now knowing that I am not the only artist (person) who feels this way, gives me permission to be OK with it, however, to remember this important message ,
” Angles in disguise” do come by here often,they bring stories,and accolades, they buy my art and THAT allows me to visit France.
Good lesson today!!
Merci Beaucoup!
Marti
I think the ungraciousness within us is often a defense mechanism that goes back to our prehistoric roots; back in the “eat or be eaten” world. Some of us are closer to those prehistoric roots than others.
I spent a year in France shortly after WWII and, at that time, the French people were very cold to outsiders because of their experiences with the German invasion. They became that way out of necessity. Jean-Marc obviously has overcome this trait.
In today’s uncertain world, however, a little caution may be a prudent necessity.
Hi, Kristen
You have shared lots of stories of the many people who visit your vineyard, people you have befriended, cooked for, and made feel welcome, so I think you are very hospitable. I don’t like unannounced guests either, but love to share my home with guests who I have time to plan for. I too need plenty of time and space to myself, and that kind of personality is not much approved of here in the US. Is it that way in France too, or is there more acceptance of the need for privacy and solitude there? There are lots of folk tales about the disguised stranger who has the power to bestow gifts on the kind and welcoming person, which your biblical reference reminds me of. I guess all those stories contain a universal lesson teaching us the virtue of hospitality, an important virtue, since one never knows when it will be oneself in need of hospitality.
Hi Kristin,
This story appealed to me in a big way. I used to be the most extroverted outgoing person around. People called me the mayor. I lived in France for 4 years, and I had a baby, so ended up spending lots of time alone. At first it was hard, but I enjoy my own company, so I got used to it. My husband is an introvert, so maybe I picked up some of his energy. But, I find as I get older (and work full time with a 6 year old child), my need to continue my calmer lifestyle has continued on. I knew no boundaries, and am only really just learning how to set them now.
So, I find myself cringing when the phone rings, I decline big parties and reunions. I had many different circles of friends, that have dwindled down to a chosen few. Maybe I also find that I am tired of drama, and being extroverted had me surrounded by much. I just want peace and quiet now.
The weekends, I want to clean a bit, and spend time with my husband and daughter, and maybe see a friend here and there.
I almost feel like I am being intruded upon when the phone rings or the bell rings. How can someone change so much? I too leave the answering machine on, and call back when I feel like I am able to talk. I find myself not wanting to “chat” all the time like I used to. At 47, maybe this is a part of maturing and getting older, not sure. But, I do have to struggle now to find balance, and not alienate those that are close to me.
So, I guess you are not alone….. 🙂
This reminded me of an expression that I learned at a French language web site that I love and some FWAD fans might like too. The expression is “sans crier gare”, meaning without warning. Here is a link to an explanation of the expression, with sound files made by a native French speaker.
http://www.frenchetc.org/category/mot_du_jour/page/10
My pet peeve is drop in company. I like the house and inhabitants to look relatively tidy when people come by. Most family and friends know about this. One friend calls first–after she has parked in front of the house!
Kristin,
Thank you so much for your lovely site. I’ve enjoyed it very much, and I enjoy you. You make us all feel welcome with your wit and words. Isn’t it funny that I’ve never viewed you as “unwelcoming” in any way. I think we all can feel inadequate at times. Don’t dwell on it too much. It really is rude to come in “uninvited” and I’m sure that happens quite often in your life. As the old saying goes, “it comes with the territory”. You’re doing a good job.
Good morning Kristin,
I am like you in this respect but I am also guilty of unannounced pop-in to friends I feel close to and then I bug them : ) I think a tiny little announcement is not all that bad…
xoxo
I, too, guard my little territory. But I’m learning to be more “in-the-moment”… practice is still needed.
I don’t like “drop-ins” either. Your story made me laugh because this morning I had an uninvited mouse in my summer house! The cat was in the dining room staring at something. When he suddenly ran to the French doors I saw a mouse between the door and the screen door! The mouse then hopped out through the torn corner at the bottom of the screen door that one of our cats caused when making a hasty entrance a while back! The uninvited mouse couldn’t get away fast enough!
Playing ‘catch-up’ the past few months. Re: Lou in earlier post, wonderful. A box containing letters from my grandmother to my mother detail her drive from New England to CA with grandfather; other trips solo during WW II at ‘a certain age’; suspect she was perhaps 5′ tall – never met. Role models for living life to its fullest.
As for today, it seems most of us struggle to achieve and maintain that delicate dance between others and self. Too much others, we lose self; too much self, we lose others. Setting limits even as we must stretch them. ‘Life’ is a moving target, isn’t it? Great post!
“Uninhabitable?!” You, Kristin?! I think not!! You have warmly and enthusiastically welcomed legions of strangers into your life and heart in a most intimate way. I suspect that some interpret that beaming warmth as an open invitation to stop by what some see as a monument rather than a home! I remember reading in one of Julia Child’s books that when she moved to the south of France her fans were constantly beating a path to her door unannounced. It is indeed touching and flattering and even humbling–but when so much of you is shared and open, it is important for us to respect and understand boundaries. Especially during this busy season when there are important things being attended to and dozens of details each day to wrangle!
I have no doubt that you were gracious and welcoming to the stranger. I can’t imagine you being anything else. And, actually, that’s when the real work on ourselves is being done–when we examine an impulse and move it in a gentler direction. That’s a good day.
Hi Kristin:
I am writing to tell you that I love your articles. It’s not only French that I learn. I also learn great lessons from your life experiences that you share with us.
Reading your articles everyday is my morning-cup-of-coffee.
Claudia from Toronto
I agree with Newforest..but consider this. Perhaps it was someone who was lost. Perhaps they were most trepid about coming down the road. It always helps to look at the other side also. There have been many a time that I have been lost in Europe as I am one who seems to seek out the “road not traveled”. And to this demise, I have been so thankful when someone has been kind enough to send me in the right direction. These are the people I remember quite well.
I like to believe every meeting is not Chance but purposeful. Who was the angel??!!
See! You has made us want more of your delightful writing!
Next?
Loretta Atlanta,Ga
I’ve never heard my own lifelong wary shyness better expressed than here, Kristin, right down to the horrors of feeling guilty because this ancient self-protective reaction is part of me. About 20% of humans are solitary sorts; as introverts by nature, we actually do very well in our quiet and valiant efforts to accommodate the more sociable majority, as you do so often.
Now a senior, I cheerfully declare myself a happy hermit to one and all, discourage drop-ins, let the phone go to message, rely on email, travel alone, & slip away from chit-chat marathons of any kind. Maybe because I’m usually warm & kind anyhow, friends old & new, family, and newcomers seem to take my natural reserve in stride, as well as this need for plenty of undisturbed alone-time.
Folks like us tend to strike a secretly heroic balance by giving our jittery inner wariness plenty of love & understanding — and lots of space to breathe.
Your superb sharing here shows how brave we are precisely whilst we seem to cringe: Yay for us offbeat “HSP’s — Highly Sensitive People”! If you like, take a peek at this site for sustenance:
http://www.hsperson.com/
Hi!,
I absolutely enjoy reading your Blog, I am from Jamaica, West Indies and now living in the United States, I’ve been studing French for the past four months, il c’est difficile, especially since there is no one I know of to practice with, your Blog helps! =)
quand meme, I agree completely with you I put up boundaires all the time even with friends, it helps me to feel a sense of control so I don’t loose myself, however people have mistook it for snobishness or pretentiousness, which is not at all what I’m about. So oui, I would like to know just when to relax my boundaries mais without letting out too much or letting in too much.
Merci for your Blog, I dream of France not only Paris but also seeing the country side =)
à la prochaine!